Is he losing interest?

[ander_]

Help please!!!

2 months ago I started talking to a guy online and we hit it off right away. With lockdown we have been unable to meet up but we have constantly spoke about finally meeting up, all the things we will be able to do together, he has spoken about us being a couple, we have had virtual dates (movie nights, zoom, phone calls) and he sent me flowers for Valentine’s Day!! I feel like things were going well and we liked each other as much as you can without actually meeting someone.

for about a week now I feel like things have been off - he takes longer to reply, all conversation about the future has stopped, he has stopped being affectionate and attentive with me and it just feels like he is no longer interested. I brought this up with him and told him I felt like he wasn’t bothered about me anymore and if he wanted to continue talking until lockdown ends and he replied that he just hasn’t felt himself since the news of the UK lockdown extending. I said his behaviour had upset me a little and he said maybe it wasn’t a good idea to continue with this if I was “getting upset over something that hadn’t even properly started yet” - I replied that I would’ve wanted to continue but it couldn’t be a one sided thing. He said lockdown had just been hard but he wanted to keep going with me - this confused me as 2 minutes previous he said it wasn’t a good idea!!

We moved on from this but things still feel off and I just can’t shake the feeling - why would he say he wanted to keep talking to me but still act like he doesn’t want to? I like this guy and when things were good with us I could see us hitting it off in person too but I don’t want to waste my time if he is going to ditch me!

[Molly-marie]

Hey, I hope you are ok.

This is a situation that I have been in myself in the past and it sucks. It feels like someone has stabbed you in the heart and all that hope about what could come just decimates. 
 

I started talking to a guy and I noticed that things were turning a bit rubbish, we were arguing like we have been married for years and I finally said to him that I didn’t like the disagreements and called it off. Lockdown is hard for everyone, but I personally feel as though he is mucking you around. In the first couple of months, people are on their best behaviour in relationships, and if this is the kind of communication that you are getting from him now, it doesn’t set a good precedent for the rest of the relationship.

I know that when I said something, I instantly regretted it and wish I didn’t, but I think it’s a good thing that you spoke up, you shouldn’t lose yourself in a relationship and feel like you can’t talk. He hasn’t been receptive to your concerns and that’s the problem here.

if I were you (which I was once), I would call it a day. Because soon it will be 6 months/ a year down the line and you will be feeling the same, and it will make the decision harder. 

[ander_]

Thank you so much. This is honestly how I feel - as though all the excitement and hope I had about us two has just vanished. I’ve told him my concerns and you’re right, he’s not done anything about it. I suppose better to end things just now than drag them on any longer. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, ander_ said:

 he said maybe it wasn’t a good idea to continue with this if I was “getting upset over something that hadn’t even properly started yet” 

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately it's easy to lose momentum if you never met.

He does have a point about having heavy relationship talks when you haven't even met.

Pull back from this. Don't overinvest.

[ander_]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately it's easy to lose momentum if you never met.

He does have a point about having heavy relationship talks when you haven't even met.

Pull back from this. Don't overinvest.

Thank you. I agree, it felt like it got too serious too quickly with someone I haven’t even met. But he was the one who initiated all the serious chat to begin with - about making me his girlfriend, meeting his friends etc. I think I got too carried away with it. 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, ander_ said:

Thank you. I agree, it felt like it got too serious too quickly with someone I haven’t even met. But he was the one who initiated all the serious chat to begin with - about making me his girlfriend, meeting his friends etc. I think I got too carried away with it. 

In the future, remember that this a red flag. 

Anyone who goes on about such things when they've never even met you is best avoided. 

[Andrina]

You called him out, when he owes you exactly nothing. You're not exclusive, obviously, because you've never even met. When someone starts drifting, you do the same. And if it's not enough for you, when you see a pattern you don't like, you cut off communication.

It's all fantasy before you meet someone. I did OLD for several years. I would get excited over photos and communication before meeting, but at the actual meet up, 9 out of 10 times, one or both of us didn't want to have a second meet up. 

If I were single, I'd probably take a break from OLD until meeting in person can happen. Because as you can see, you invest a lot into a fantasy and your expectations are unrealistic.

[SooSad33]

You started talking 2 months ago, so January?

Sounds unreal.  He went into this pretty hard & fast 😞 ..And now, it's leaning back again... What more is there to do?  Unless or until you meet?

Sounds like the excitement has eased off a lot... now boredom has surfaced.

Neither of you have met..yet.

And these lockdowns WILL affect many this way.... unless you can accept his 'change' lately, it will die.

IF you feel his interest is not there, then just stop interacting with him... See IF he reaches out to you first.  If not, don't be begging for attention..

BUT, the guy sent you flowers... less than a month ago.. That was nice of him.

I say give it a little more time... may not be all like what you've had up until now, but he knows where you are, and if he's still into you, he will show it.

 

[ander_]

41 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

You started talking 2 months ago, so January?

Sounds unreal.  He went into this pretty hard & fast 😞 ..And now, it's leaning back again... What more is there to do?  Unless or until you meet?

Sounds like the excitement has eased off a lot... now boredom has surfaced.

Neither of you have met..yet.

And these lockdowns WILL affect many this way.... unless you can accept his 'change' lately, it will die.

IF you feel his interest is not there, then just stop interacting with him... See IF he reaches out to you first.  If not, don't be begging for attention..

BUT, the guy sent you flowers... less than a month ago.. That was nice of him.

I say give it a little more time... may not be all like what you've had up until now, but he knows where you are, and if he's still into you, he will show it.

 

Thank you! After posting this today I pulled back a little and he phoned me just for a chat and then has asked if I want to do a virtual Netflix date tonight - I suppose this is good? 

[DancingFool]

14 minutes ago, ander_ said:

Thank you! After posting this today I pulled back a little and he phoned me just for a chat and then has asked if I want to do a virtual Netflix date tonight - I suppose this is good? 

Maybe, maybe not.

If I were you, I'd step way back and evaluate what you are seeing so far. Pushing along hot and fast is a huge red flag, so beware. Only taking an interest once you pull back....again....games and more red flags. Moody, hot/cold, inconsistent is hardly a prize catch.

If you want, you can carry on and see how it is once you can meet and date for real. But only do so if you can be sure that you will not get overinvested in this. So far, it sounds kind of messy. Personally, I'd be pretty turned off.

[Rose Mosse]

Is he doing all the initiating and calls/texts? At the rate he was going this is bound to exhaust anyone, even the most enthusiastic lover. I think both of you have a shot at this if you both allow things to slow down a little. If you like him, one or two texts here and there during the week is fine. I agree about not overinvesting. Be sure to keep up with your own hobbies and if you feel the overwhelming urge to keep checking in with each other, this is likely a sign that you both have gotten way too attached without having met one another yet. 

Resist the urge to keep checking in. I think it's counterproductive being so early. Rest assured you're both busy and have other lives. Put more trust in each other if you want to see this progressing. 

I don't see what's wrong with a virtual Netflix date tonight. Is there a reason why you're so anxious and passive? You may not be ready to date overall if you've just broken up with someone for example. You may not be into virtual movie dates and that's fine too. You navigate this and call the shots as well. 

[ander_]

6 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Is he doing all the initiating and calls/texts? At the rate he was going this is bound to exhaust anyone, even the most enthusiastic lover. I think both of you have a shot at this if you both allow things to slow down a little. If you like him, one or two texts here and there during the week is fine. I agree about not overinvesting. Be sure to keep up with your own hobbies and if you feel the overwhelming urge to keep checking in with each other, this is likely a sign that you both have gotten way too attached without having met one another yet. 

Resist the urge to keep checking in. I think it's counterproductive being so early. Rest assured you're both busy and have other lives. Put more trust in each other if you want to see this progressing. 

I don't see what's wrong with a virtual Netflix date tonight. Is there a reason why you're so anxious and passive? You may not be ready to date overall if you've just broken up with someone for example. You may not be into virtual movie dates and that's fine too. You navigate this and call the shots as well. 

Yes, he initiates most of the conversation - he will send a good morning text etc. I completely agree, things were bound to tire out going so fast and intense! I think it’s definitely best to take a step back, thank you