Is there something wrong with me?

[ForeverLearning]

I’m in a committed relationship with a man I love but I constantly crave male attention. I feel really bad about it but I’m almost addicted. When I get a text from a guy who I think may like me, I get excited and I entertain it. I never go any further than messaging them. My partner is fully aware of the entire situation, even the messages and is as understanding as he can be. 
So I’m wondering if this is something that a lot of people experience or am I just crazy? 

[Jibralta]

What happens if you stop doing it?

[ForeverLearning]

2 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

What happens if you stop doing it?

I feel unwanted or undesirable even though my partner gives me a lot of attention. I had a very absent father so maybe that’s why

[Rose Mosse]

I haven't felt this way in a happy relationship. It might be best to explore this professionally with someone. Your partner might be tolerant now but resentment can grow over time if this isn't what you both agree on in terms of your dynamic. 

[ForeverLearning]

8 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

I haven't felt this way in a happy relationship. It might be best to explore this professionally with someone. Your partner might be tolerant now but resentment can grow over time if this isn't what you both agree on in terms of your dynamic. 

Thank you. I’m currently in the process of getting professional help for it. 

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, Thatengineerchick said:

I feel unwanted or undesirable 

Just in this relationship or in general?

[ForeverLearning]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Just in this relationship or in general?

In general 

[Hollyj]

Is this part of the reason you continue the relationship with your mentor?

[ForeverLearning]

8 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Is this part of the reason you continue the relationship with your mentor?

I’d say so

[Hollyj]

I agree with the professional help.   The is not healthy,  I am surprised your partner puts up with this.  

[Batya33]

So you can have a feeling and choose not to react.  We do that every day especially as adults.  If I choose not to have the piece of dark chocolate I want I sometimes feel really deprived.  I've come up with ways to combat that other than having chocolate and I plan in advance what those will be.  Like, I drink water, or I do something distracting.  Whatever.  Messaging the man who gives you attention is just a short term bandaid.  You as an adult need to come up with alternatives you can do if you feel a certain way that do not involve a bad or sabotaging choice.  Yesterday I badly wanted to comment on an extremist facebook post by a family member.  I wanted to comment or message a different family member and get involved in that way. I knew I needed to stay in my own lane.  So -even though I really really wanted to act I did other things  -I messaged a friend who is a total outsider to the situation, I told my husband about it, etc.  I may even post about it here at some point as it's safe to do so.  Just like when you have that urge to message I did too.  But I balanced the upsides and downsides.  I am so glad I didn't because it feels clean, it feels right.  Even if it also means I had to put in effort not to.  

[ForeverLearning]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So you can have a feeling and choose not to react.  We do that every day especially as adults.  If I choose not to have the piece of dark chocolate I want I sometimes feel really deprived.  I've come up with ways to combat that other than having chocolate and I plan in advance what those will be.  Like, I drink water, or I do something distracting.  Whatever.  Messaging the man who gives you attention is just a short term bandaid.  You as an adult need to come up with alternatives you can do if you feel a certain way that do not involve a bad or sabotaging choice.  Yesterday I badly wanted to comment on an extremist facebook post by a family member.  I wanted to comment or message a different family member and get involved in that way. I knew I needed to stay in my own lane.  So -even though I really really wanted to act I did other things  -I messaged a friend who is a total outsider to the situation, I told my husband about it, etc.  I may even post about it here at some point as it's safe to do so.  Just like when you have that urge to message I did too.  But I balanced the upsides and downsides.  I am so glad I didn't because it feels clean, it feels right.  Even if it also means I had to put in effort not to.  

I agree. I do need to find distractions. I’ve gotten better about it but it still isn’t great. I keep myself super busy so I don’t think about it but they end up messaging me and I end up replying. Should I just block them and not talk to them at all? 

[Hollyj]

Of course you should block them all.   How would you like your partner to do this to you?  

There are many things that I want to do, but don't, as it is detrimental myself and others.   I think that you need to stop using your dad as an excuse for your behavior.  You are an adult an need to make the necessary changes out of respect to your partner, and yourself.  

[ForeverLearning]

6 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Of course you should block them all.   How would you like your partner to do this to you?  

There are many things that I want to do, but don't, as it is detrimental myself and others.   I think that you need to stop using your dad as an excuse for your behavior.  You are an adult an need to make the necessary changes out of respect to your partner, and yourself.  

They are important people in my life. Either through work or other parts. I don’t know if they have interest in me as none of them have told me. It’s just an assumption I’ve made.

 

I’m definitely not using my dad as an excuse as I’m getting help for this :). Everybody struggles with something. This is just mine and I’m dealing with it, as an adult. 

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, Thatengineerchick said:

I had a very absent father so maybe that’s why

I had an absent father, too. But I don't feel that way at all.

Are you impulsive in other ways?

Perhaps your current relationship is not meeting your needs.

[maritalbliss86]

44 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yesterday I badly wanted to comment on an extremist facebook post by a family member.  I wanted to comment or message a different family member and get involved in that way. I knew I needed to stay in my own lane.  So -even though I really really wanted to act I did other things  -I messaged a friend who is a total outsider to the situation, I told my husband about it, etc. 

See all of that is why I love not having social media ❤️ Less drama.

(I see Wiseman was confused by my reaction  I mean less drama in that not seeing the extremist post to begin with, and not having those intense emotions wanting to respond to it, is less drama overall for me as a woman.  Batya reacted very well!!!  But I feel like I avoid all of those negative emotions when I don't even have to chance to see a crazy relative's extremist post (and then want to process it with my husband or other people so that the emotions go away).  

A comparative example for the OP would be blocking any inappropriate men (if they are inappropriate).  That way she doesn't even see their messages, and therefore the intense feelings of wanting to reply would be avoided altogether!

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Thatengineerchick said:

They are important people in my life. Either through work or other parts.

I don’t know if they have interest in me as none of them have told me. It’s just an assumption I’ve made.

You can have both male and female friends, coworkers classmates, neighbors, etc. Are they flirting? Why assume males are after you, if they're not?

[maritalbliss86]

32 minutes ago, Thatengineerchick said:

but they end up messaging me and I end up replying. Should I just block them and not talk to them at all? 

If they're inappropriately messaging you and crossing a relationship boundary, yes, not talking to them at all would probably be the wise thing to do.

Think about if it was happening the other way...

What if your boyfriend said he just craves female attention and replies because he enjoys it and loves chatting up other females.  It would cross a relationship boundary at some point for you, where you'd probably feel very upset about it.  That's what you're doing to him. It's not fair, it's not right, and it's not just going to, "go away," if you keep replying to these other men.

You have to avoid responding to them (and choose not to).

[ForeverLearning]

9 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I had an absent father, too. But I don't feel that way at all.

Are you impulsive in other ways?

Perhaps your current relationship is not meeting your needs.

I’m not impulsive ways. My partner is great and supportive. I only say absent father on here but it’s much more complex than just that. 

[ForeverLearning]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You can have both male and female friends, coworkers classmates, neighbors, etc. Are they flirting? Why assume males are after you, if they're not?

They are not openly but I feel like that someone has to like me in that way it keep talking to me. Idk. Other mental issues I guess

[ForeverLearning]

2 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

If they're inappropriately messaging you and crossing a relationship boundary, yes, not talking to them at all would probably be the wise thing to do.

Think about if it was happening the other way...

What if your boyfriend said he just craves female attention and replies because he enjoys it and loves chatting up other females.  It would cross a relationship boundary at some point for you, where you'd probably feel very upset about it.  That's what you're doing to him. It's not fair, it's not right, and it's not just going to, "go away," if you keep replying to these other men.

You have to avoid responding to them (and choose not to).

Definitely it inappropriate messages (in the traditional sense at least). More of “how are you today?” “How is work? How is school?” 
 

He’s the one that encouraged me to get help, which I did. I have improved a lot in recent months but I definitely want to improve more. He’s supportive about it and truly understands the full extent of my history/trauma and why I am this way to beginning with. 

[maritalbliss86]

A general rule of thumb is that if it feels inappropriate to you (flirting or crossing some line), then it's probably good to honor those feelings and not respond.

[MissCanuck]

13 minutes ago, Thatengineerchick said:

My partner is great and supportive. 

Are you still in love with him? 

Where is your interest level in him at this point in the relationship? 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Thatengineerchick said:

More of “how are you today?” “How is work? How is school?” 
He’s the one that encouraged me to get help, which I did.

Your BF thinks these conversations with men friends, coworkers, classmates requires therapy? Are you sure he's not gaslighting you? 

[ForeverLearning]

@MissCanuck I still love him dearly. No doubts there. 
@Wiseman2 Not necessarily but he thinks it’s a problem how dependent I am on the attention. Or how much I feel like I need those messages.