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Is there something wrong with me?


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I don't think it's healthy to ask or wonder if something is WRONG with you. I'm sure there is not. But these thoughts & feelings, that ultimately lead to poor behavior, can highlight that you have some work to do on yourself

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How about this. Instead of waiting for social interaction you initiate it?  Reach out to some of your female friends every once in a while. It would seem these men contact you more often so

See all of that is why I love not having social media ❤️ Less drama. (I see Wiseman was confused by my reaction  I mean less drama in that not seeing the extremist post to begin with, and not hav

I agree and it took me being honest with myself to even realize I was doing this. That in itself is a hard thing to do. But I’m taking steps to changing it and growing as a person from it. 

18 minutes ago, Thatengineerchick said:

I only say absent father on here but it’s much more complex than just that. 

 All problems of this nature are complex. That doesn't make them excuses. I think you understand that.

1 hour ago, Hollyj said:

The is not healthy,  I am surprised your partner puts up with this.  

I'm surprised, too.

5 minutes ago, Thatengineerchick said:

I still love him dearly.

 You may love him dearly, but do you respect him? Because what you are doing is very disrespectful to him

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1 minute ago, Jibralta said:

 All problems of this nature are complex. That doesn't make them excuses. I think you understand that.

I'm surprised, too.

 You may love him dearly, but do you respect him? Because what you are doing is very disrespectful to him

I do respect him and he respects my issues. Like I said, I have never said anything inappropriate to any of these men nor have I ever acted on it. Nor do I plan to. 

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2 minutes ago, Thatengineerchick said:

I have never said anything inappropriate to any of these men nor have I ever acted on it. 

But isn't the whole exchange borderline inappropriate? You are getting off on attention that you receive from men other than your boyfriend. Using it to feel desirable. 

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1 minute ago, Jibralta said:

But isn't the whole exchange borderline inappropriate? You are getting off on attention that you receive from men outside of your boyfriend. Using it to feel desirable. 

I guess but they don’t know that and I never say anything I would feel comfortable having my partner read afterwards. He’s fine with the interactions I have but not with how I feel about the interactions. And he only knows that because I told him. 

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9 minutes ago, Thatengineerchick said:

It’s fine I guess

So, is it safe to say you still desire him? 

Or is it a bit too routine?

I'm trying to piece together whether you're bored in your relationship. 

 

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1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

So, is it safe to say you still desire him? 

Or is it a bit too routine?

I'm trying to piece together whether you're bored in your relationship. 

 

Yeah I do but I’d say it’s more than about intimacy to me. I guess it’s kinda routine because we both work full time. He does a lot of things for me. We usually just enjoy each other’s company. 

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I second seeking prof help.

I feel you are either lacking, and/ or striving for an overly amount of attention & approval.

BUT, you have your partner... so you shouldn't have that 'need' for more attention.

Is an insecurity or something. ( Or a type of 'addiction'?. where you have it but 'need more').

Which is not normal, but a problem. - as mentioned, can become an issue w/ your partner, eventually.

If you can get in for therapy, dig deep and see IF it's something underlying (or not), at least you can work through some issue's and learn to either respond in a better way or feel better about yourself.

I do not have such a 'need' for anything like this... I am fine with myself & my life way it is. I have learned to accept who & how I am.  I learned new crafts/hobbies - of which I seek to learn more about life. (Maybe you can end up someway similar, to where you can revert your energy to something more wholesome/productive - not validation from other people- men).

Takes time, takes work.. but we can change.  :) 

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1 hour ago, Thatengineerchick said:

 I have never said anything inappropriate to any of these men nor have I ever acted on it. Nor do I plan to. 

Why does your BF need to know about benign conversations with friends, classmates or coworkers? Isn't that your business?  Make sure you and only you are controlling who your friends are and who you choose to speak with.

Perhaps you need to keep the conversations about usual everyday chitchat and not assume anyone is not coming on to you. It seems more like the problem is the BF. Your BF should not have access to your phone or private conversations.

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I am confused about the exact content of these messages.

Could you please provide some examples of what they say in these messages?  It would help us see if this is imagined or real.

 

 Lost

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10 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

I am confused about the exact content of these messages.

Could you please provide some examples of what they say in these messages?  It would help us see if this is imagined or real.

 

 Lost

Sure. We usually talk about my work, school or sports. A small example: 

Them: “How is work going? Do you like it? I’m sure it’s going great because your super smart”
Me: “Great. How did [insert large life event] go?”

Them:  “fantastic” etc etc

Nothing sexual or even inappropriate. It’s more them showing that they care by asking questions about my life. 

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6 minutes ago, Thatengineerchick said:

Sure. We usually talk about my work, school or sports. A small example: 

Them: “How is work going? Do you like it? I’m sure it’s going great because your super smart”
Me: “Great. How did [insert large life event] go?”

Them:  “fantastic” etc etc

Nothing sexual or even inappropriate. It’s more them showing that they care by asking questions about my life. 

Ok . Your BF doesn't need to nose into all this. You can have whatever good friends you want. This conversation certainly doesn't warrant your BFs suggestion that "you need therapy".

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Okay I see a subtle flirt in there with the super smart comment.

I take it you are an engineer?  That field is predominately male.  I happen to work with a lot of engineers and many of the men engineers are awkward and kind of different.  If you do work with a lot of men and are attractive you are bound to get some subtle flirting from time to time.  Harmless or not your need for it is what is troubling you.

Is it the social connection you crave?  When a woman texts you in a similar manner do you feel the same as when a man does it?

I am curious how you would describe yourself.  How do you see yourself physically?  Intellectually?  Character?  

This isn't a issue that therapy is needed for though.

Lost

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3 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Okay I see a subtle flirt in there with the super smart comment.

I take it you are an engineer?  That field is predominately male.  I happen to work with a lot of engineers and many of the men engineers are awkward and kind of different.  If you do work with a lot of men and are attractive you are bound to get some subtle flirting from time to time.  Harmless or not your need for it is what is troubling you.

Is it the social connection you crave?  When a woman texts you in a similar manner do you feel the same as when a man does it?

I am curious how you would describe yourself.  How do you see yourself physically?  Intellectually?  Character?  

This isn't a issue that therapy is needed for though.

Lost

You’re right. I’m surrounded by men constantly. I guess I crave the social connection because it’s a lot easier to get a man’s attention than a woman’s. I have female friends but they don’t message me as often or ask about mundane day to day things. 
I like the way I look. I think I’m smart and charismatic. I would say I have self confidence but there’s something about someone showing care about me and my life (I guess especially men) that makes me feel even better about myself. 

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2 hours ago, Thatengineerchick said:

They’re coworkers, friends, classmates, etc.

OK, but I don't give out my personal phone number to coworkers or classmates unless they are personal friends.

If these are your personal friends, then it seems you crave social interaction rather than inappropriate communications with men.

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Nothing wrong with that unless it supplants ANYTHING in your relationship.

You do not need therapy and your bf allowed his ego and jealousy get the better of him when he suggested it.  Is there cause for reflection like you are doing?  Absolutely but be mindful of looking to hard for problems.  If you look hard enough you will always find something...

So you are pretty and work with mostly men.  This is a recipe for guys wanting to talk to you.  I have a little idea that could help make sure all these men stay in their lane.  Whenever they ask how you are doing and throw in a subtle flirt just reply. "I am doing great thank you for asking. My bf and I just watched a good movie blah blah blah" or what ever you can do to insert your bf into the convo.  This will remind them that you are unavailable and to keep it friends only.

Lost 

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To me, it sounds like you're collecting a male harem. I work with mainly men, too. And we enjoy quick chats at work and I'm Facebook friends with some of them, but to my husband and I, it's overstepping bounds to give our numbers to anyone of the opposite sex for the objective of chatting   throughout the day with them.

Perhaps some couples are okay with that, but we're not. Since your mindset always goes to "I think this guy is into me," then the practice of giving out your number willy-nilly has to go by the wayside. If a guy asks for your number, you can say you and your bf have a rule against that. You can also explain that to guys who already have your number and block and delete.

It'd be different if you and your SO have in common group friends and you actually hang out with them. When you're young and not in a serious relationship, it's common to give your number to a great number of people, including the opposite sex. But as you're getting older and entering into more serious relationships, those youthful ways need to be left in your past, or you will be stunted in a stage where you have really short term relationships. Because no decent guy will accept you spreading your emotional time and energy into a harem.

You'll have to find other ways to feel of value without relying on male attention. Get a hobby. Learn to enjoy your solo time. Spend less time with your phone and make plans with girlfriends. They're more likely to be a bigger part of your life, and more long-lasting than these guys who will eventually find a SO that they'll turn their attentions to.

You say all these men are important to you. You're fooling yourself. You don't even know them well enough to know their intentions, so how can you know them well enough for them to be "important" to you? Time to leave these childish practices behind and only invest in appropriate relationships. 

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You're insecure and crave attention. 

My sister has been married for a long time and has 3 kids. 

I've noticed ever since she was in kindergarten that she always wanted to be popular, the center of attention, part of a clique throughout her youth and adulthood.  To this day, she is still narcissistic.  At social gatherings, she always wants the spotlight, talks about herself incessantly, flirts with men married or not and instantly accepts them (including strangers) as her social media friends despite her only chatting with them for several minutes.  

On annual Christmas postal cards, she portrays what a happy family she has while residing in a $1.5mil house in a coveted neighborhood.  It's all about impressing others ad nauseum.  "Look at me!  Look at what I have!  Aren't you envious?"

What she conceals is her husband is obnoxiously cruel regarding how he speaks to her, their children and others no matter who they are including relatives, in-laws and friends.  No one is spared.  He bounces from one job to the next because his colleagues look upon him with disdain and disgust.  No surprise there.  He alienates everyone.   

She has over a thousand social media "friends." 

People like her are lonely and insecure inside.  Her outlet is to fill that void by constantly calling attention to herself.  Her insecurity stems from losing her father at age 8.  I did, too yet I don't act like that.

I'm happily married with two great sons.  Life is economically stable and harmonious.  My husband is kind, empathetic and a fine example to our sons.  My needs are met.  I don't need more because I'm set and settled. 

Perhaps try to change your perspective on your life.  Don't waste your time and energy on contacts with others.  Concentrate and remain focused on your relationship, be happy and grateful.  Engage in other distractions such as what you enjoy whether it's outings, hobbies, cooking dinner with your boyfriend, exercise and the like.  Then you won't have time and energy for male contacts and hopefully, you'll lose interest in them so they can fade away from your life. 

Also, know in the back of your mind that those male friends are not impressive.  They're only demonstrating their social, best side to you.  They have bad habits, idiosyncrasies, foibles, selfish personality traits which you don't realize, unkind moments which you don't know about, can be obnoxiously rude, stingy, perhaps they're slobs in real life and all things you are unaware of because you do not know them to that full extent!   They conceal who they really are and will never let you know their dark side because they're stringing you along.  Never be naive.  Some people are very deceitful.  Beware. 

I'm nice to men from a polite, respectful distance and leave it at that.  I know my boundaries.  Think of it as less maintenance and suddenly having more TIME to do something productive.  Being chained to your phone or PC turns into a huge time trap. ☹️ Preoccupy yourself by becoming industrious and enjoy life instead.   🙂

 

 

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17 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

You're insecure and crave attention. 

My sister has been married for a long time and has 3 kids. 

I've noticed ever since she was in kindergarten that she always wanted to be popular, the center of attention, part of a clique throughout her youth and adulthood.  To this day, she is still narcissistic.  At social gatherings, she always wants the spotlight, talks about herself incessantly, flirts with men married or not and instantly accepts them (including strangers) as her social media friends despite her only chatting with them for several minutes.  

On annual Christmas postal cards, she portrays what a happy family she has while residing in a $1.5mil house in a coveted neighborhood.  It's all about impressing others ad nauseum.  "Look at me!  Look at what I have!  Aren't you envious?"

What she conceals is her husband is obnoxiously cruel regarding how he speaks to her, their children and others no matter who they are including relatives, in-laws and friends.  No one is spared.  He bounces from one job to the next because his colleagues look upon him with disdain and disgust.  No surprise there.  He alienates everyone.   

She has over a thousand social media "friends." 

People like her are lonely and insecure inside.  Her outlet is to fill that void by constantly calling attention to herself.  Her insecurity stems from losing her father at age 8.  I did, too yet I don't act like that.

I'm happily married with two great sons.  Life is economically stable and harmonious.  My husband is kind, empathetic and a fine example to our sons.  My needs are met.  I don't need more because I'm set and settled. 

Perhaps try to change your perspective on your life.  Don't waste your time and energy on contacts with others.  Concentrate and remain focused on your relationship, be happy and grateful.  Engage in other distractions such as what you enjoy whether it's outings, hobbies, cooking dinner with your boyfriend, exercise and the like.  Then you won't have time and energy for male contacts and hopefully, you'll lose interest in them so they can fade away from your life. 

Also, know in the back of your mind that those male friends are not impressive.  They're only demonstrating their social, best side to you.  They have bad habits, idiosyncrasies, foibles, selfish personality traits which you don't realize, unkind moments which you don't know about, can be obnoxiously rude, stingy, perhaps they're slobs in real life and all things you are unaware of because you do not know them to that full extent!   They conceal who they really are and will never let you know their dark side because they're stringing you along.  Never be naive.  Some people are very deceitful.  Beware. 

I'm nice to men from a polite, respectful distance and leave it at that.  I know my boundaries.  Think of it as less maintenance and suddenly having more TIME to do something productive.  Being chained to your phone or PC turns into a huge time trap. ☹️ Preoccupy yourself by becoming industrious and enjoy life instead.   🙂

 

 

I have no intentions of getting with these men romantically at all. I don’t even find any of them remotely attractive. I think as someone else said, I like social interaction. I think that’s what I crave. I’m a naturally social person and enjoy talking to others. I wouldn’t call that an insecurity per se. Though I agree I need more hobbies and opportunities to spend time with family and friends. It’s just been difficult with the current state of the world. 

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26 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

You're insecure and crave attention. 

My sister has been married for a long time and has 3 kids. 

I've noticed ever since she was in kindergarten that she always wanted to be popular, the center of attention, part of a clique throughout her youth and adulthood.  To this day, she is still narcissistic.  At social gatherings, she always wants the spotlight, talks about herself incessantly, flirts with men married or not and instantly accepts them (including strangers) as her social media friends despite her only chatting with them for several minutes.  

On annual Christmas postal cards, she portrays what a happy family she has while residing in a $1.5mil house in a coveted neighborhood.  It's all about impressing others ad nauseum.  "Look at me!  Look at what I have!  Aren't you envious?"

What she conceals is her husband is obnoxiously cruel regarding how he speaks to her, their children and others no matter who they are including relatives, in-laws and friends.  No one is spared.  He bounces from one job to the next because his colleagues look upon him with disdain and disgust.  No surprise there.  He alienates everyone.   

She has over a thousand social media "friends." 

People like her are lonely and insecure inside.  Her outlet is to fill that void by constantly calling attention to herself.  Her insecurity stems from losing her father at age 8.  I did, too yet I don't act like that.

I'm happily married with two great sons.  Life is economically stable and harmonious.  My husband is kind, empathetic and a fine example to our sons.  My needs are met.  I don't need more because I'm set and settled. 

Perhaps try to change your perspective on your life.  Don't waste your time and energy on contacts with others.  Concentrate and remain focused on your relationship, be happy and grateful.  Engage in other distractions such as what you enjoy whether it's outings, hobbies, cooking dinner with your boyfriend, exercise and the like.  Then you won't have time and energy for male contacts and hopefully, you'll lose interest in them so they can fade away from your life. 

Also, know in the back of your mind that those male friends are not impressive.  They're only demonstrating their social, best side to you.  They have bad habits, idiosyncrasies, foibles, selfish personality traits which you don't realize, unkind moments which you don't know about, can be obnoxiously rude, stingy, perhaps they're slobs in real life and all things you are unaware of because you do not know them to that full extent!   They conceal who they really are and will never let you know their dark side because they're stringing you along.  Never be naive.  Some people are very deceitful.  Beware. 

I'm nice to men from a polite, respectful distance and leave it at that.  I know my boundaries.  Think of it as less maintenance and suddenly having more TIME to do something productive.  Being chained to your phone or PC turns into a huge time trap. ☹️ Preoccupy yourself by becoming industrious and enjoy life instead.   🙂

 

 

I’m also the complete opposite of your sister, I’d say. I don’t have any form of social media. I keep to myself except for very few select people. Maybe that’s why I find it difficult to make friends. I hate being the center of attention but I do enjoy good company. 

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6 hours ago, Thatengineerchick said:

I’m in a committed relationship with a man I love but I constantly crave male attention. I feel really bad about it but I’m almost addicted. When I get a text from a guy who I think may like me, I get excited and I entertain it. 

Just to clarify.  I'm trying to figure out if you just crave attention in general, or ONLY from men.?  If any women text you, do you also get all excited about it?

When I see words like "crave" and "addicted" (to male attention), then I think it could be a problem. ... especially when already in a committed relationship.  Perhaps therapy would help to dig a little deeper to figure out WHY and where all this is coming from.

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