Heartbreak

[Kclone]

I wasn't sure which forum to put this so I hope this fits here.  So here is my story.   I have been married since 1996.  My wife is a wonderful and delightful person.  Great mother, caring, stable, just lots of positives.  Despite that, I never felt consistently connected to her.   There was only so close we were going to get.  One of the main issues or wedges between us is our approach to sex and physical intimacy.  We are way different.  I am very sensual, interactive, and expressive.  She is more reserved, held back.   For example, I like deep passionate kisses, she doesn't.  Her style is a quick fleeting peck and then pull away.  This is just an example, but it's the same with pretty much anything with physical intimacy.  So me, always wanting more, wanting to get closer, wanting a deeper safer connection, became hurt, angry and resentful because we couldn't make it happen.  She was never mean, just kind of cold.  I tried several times to talk to her, find out what the issue is.  The cumulative effect rejection had an effect on me.  Even though I was married, I felt extremely lonely.   I didn't handle it well.  When I would try to talk to her I made mistakes in how I handled it and took pot shots.  For example I called her a fun hater in the sack.  Not constructive.  Anyway, things stayed like that until...

In February of 2019 my girlfriend from college reached out to me on Facebook.  Started innocent chat, then flirting, texting, and long phone calls.  We started meeting and fell madly in love again (I was with her for 2 in a half years in college).  It was so wrong, but I couldn't see it, she took away my pain and loneliness and gave me new life at a time when I needed it most.  It was amazing, she was everything to me.  This went on until Nov of 2020, we broke it off because I wouldn't commit.  I wanted to leave my marriage, but just couldn't.  I didn't want to break apart a family and hurt people.  I was heart broken but willing to move on and really try with the wife.  Through my relationship with my affair partner, I introduced her to my best friend Rob.  Rob's wife just died in April of 2020.  They became Facebook friends during the period I was seeing my affair partner.  One month after we broke it off, they started chatting.  He was hurting from the death of his wife and she was hurting from our breakup.  Well, they are now a thing.  I am shocked and stunned, and while I was doing well with getting through the initial heartbreak, this took me back to square one but with more pain added on.  The woman I loved in my life more than any other and my best friend?   Ouch!!!!!!!   

I know this is all my fault and take responsibility.  I know I probably deserve this because my behavior hurt my affair partner bad, and it was wrong to step out the marriage as it could have caused extreme pain to my wife and kids(ages 23, 21).   This situation is hard to accept, it hurts like a pain I have never experienced.  It hurt more than the death of my mother.  I have scheduled therapy but they way I feel now, I am having a hard time seeing away around future pain.  Will it ever go away?  Will I ever stop having feelings for my affair partner?  When will the jealous thoughts of my affair partner and best friend having hot sex and companionship together dissipate?  Please tell me it will get better.  I'm really hurting.  

[Wiseman2]

You need to consider marriage therapy or divorce. Your unhappy marriage is the root of all this.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Kclone said:

I am having a hard time seeing away around future pain.  Will it ever go away?  Will I ever stop having feelings for my affair partner?  When will the jealous thoughts of my affair partner and best friend having hot sex and companionship together dissipate?  Please tell me it will get better.  I'm really hurting.  

It will probably get better if you end your marriage. 

Why? Because then you will be free to pursue a satisfying relationship with someone else altogether, and won't be reminded of your own loneliness and boredom at home every time you think of this new couple. The things missing in your own relationship won't be such a stark contrast to what they are building. You will have the chance to find real happiness elsewhere and not be consumed by this anymore. 

 

[Tinydance]

But why stay with your wife if you're not even into her and you fell in love with another woman? Your marriage hadn't been going well for many years. I don't think you should worry about your kids because they're actually adults themselves now. They have a life of their own and are grown up and will probably handle it much better than you expect. You're not happy with your wife and that's why you had an affair. 

Unfortunately you can't really blame your college girlfriend for getting with your friend. She knows you're married and unavailable and you actually ended it. If you really wanted your college girlfriend then you should have left your wife for her, but you didn't.

[Andrina]

It likely wouldn't have worked out with your affair, because she is lacking in ethics. And believe me, the dynamic would have changed if you'd made yourself free. People like that often lose interest without the secretive intrigue.

I'd either divorce because you're more like friendly roommates. You can also choose couples counseling or a couples retreat, although you would likely have to reveal the affair, because it's not fair to your wife to keep such a secret from her. She shouldn't be asked to grow closer to you without being able to choose if she even wants to, when she has had a husband who has cheated.

[reinventmyself]

I read this same story often here.   A new poster posts a bleak outline of their marriage and how unhappy they are. And then, wait for it. . .

I suppose it justifies the following paragraph that they found someone who brings them joy.  As if because you aren't getting *it,  (or getting it according to your standards) you are somehow entitled to find it elsewhere.  I don't hear any remorse on your part, just pity that you bf has the girl now.

What happened in the space between the two?  I frustrates me that couples don't do the responsible thing and legitimately address the issues in their marriage before they open themselves up to finding a replacement while at the same time they are unavailable.

Sex is often a measurement of the health of a marriage.  The lack of is typically a symptom of something bigger.  Getting frustrated about the symptoms doesn't solve the problem.  What did you do to resolve it, other than make that snarky insensitive comment?  Did you consider therapy?

Zero sympathy for how things played out.  All that energy should have been put into the commitment you had to your wife and family.   You had an obligation to at least try to resolve things and then, if proven irrevocably broken, you end it respectfully and move on.

Zero respect for women who get in the middle of a man and is family.  

Play on the freeway?  Don't get surprise you get hurt.

[boltnrun]

When did your wife become disinterested in sex and intimacy?

How did she react when you told her you were unhappy and wanted to try to work on making the marriage better? Because of course you talked to her to give the two of you a chance to work together to improve the relationship. You didn't just decide an affair for your own gratification before trying to fix the marriage...right?

[lostandhurt]

I agree totally with Reinventmyself.

A whole paragraph of how miserable someone is in their marriage and the next sentence is: Then I ran into, or This woman at work, or An old gf and I became FB friends.  It is always some version of that lead in to them explaining they are cheating on their spouse.  They don't say cheating though do they?  Affair partner is used by you in this case.

To break this down you cheated on your wife of 21 years with an old gf from college, she wanted more but you didn't want to lose all your stuff/money in a divorce so you ended it and now you are heartbroken because she has hooked up with a friend of yours and forgotten about you. 

  Where is the love for your wife?  Where is the remorse? Where is the shame for cheating on the mother of your children, for the lies you told her your children and anyone else to cover your betrayal.   You may think I am bashing you but I am not, I am trying to get you to see exactly what you did, not what you wanted to see to make the cheating less of a thing.  Accept that you were a horrible person for cheating on your wife and also accept that the old gf willingly had sex with a married man.

  Will it get better?  Yes but you need to stop pining for your gf and turn your focus on either making your marriage way better or start working on getting divorced so your wife can one day meet a man that will accept her and not cheat on her.  You need outside help as you and your wife will not be able to figure out the unequal intimacy you describe by yourselves.  Talk to your wife about marriage counseling and see if she is open to the idea.  Make sure she knows that you are seriously worried about the future of the marriage without it.

 Right now she doesn't know you betrayed her I assume so don't try and relieve any guilt you may have by telling her just to make yourself feel better.  If you had unprotected sex with your gf and then with your wife you should at the very least go get tested for the full spectrum of STD's and if you have one you HAVE to inform your wife.  Otherwise she does not need that pain and betrayal.

  You should have divorced your wife and then started dating but you chose otherwise.  Chances are you are going to have to get used to losing half your stuff including retirement if you cannot make the marriage work but at least your children will not shun you for cheating on their mother.  

  Focus on fixing it or ending it, that should keep your mind off your gf.

  Lost

[SooSad33]

6 hours ago, Kclone said:

I tried several times to talk to her, find out what the issue is.  The cumulative effect rejection had an effect on me.  Even though I was married, I felt extremely lonely.   I didn't handle it well.  When I would try to talk to her I made mistakes in how I handled it and took pot shots.  For example I called her a fun hater in the sack.  Not constructive.  Anyway, things stayed like that until...

In February of 2019 my girlfriend from college reached out to me on Facebook.  Started innocent chat, then flirting, texting, and long phone calls.  We started meeting and fell madly in love again (I was with her for 2 in a half years in college).  It was so wrong, but I couldn't see it, she took away my pain and loneliness and gave me new life at a time when I needed it most.  It was amazing, she was everything to me.  This went on until Nov of 2020, we broke it off because I wouldn't commit.  I wanted to leave my marriage, but just couldn't.  I didn't want to break apart a family and hurt people

Well, there are hurtin people now, aren't there?  😞 

When I was in relationships, if it was falling apart for whatever reason, I did not cheat ( no added guilt).

If it wasn;t working, it wasn't working... I tried for so long- but all ended. (after my first break up)- I took a good 2 yrs on my own to work through all of my emotions & to heal.

As mentioned in previous responses 1) your marriage faults is what led to this ( you seeking it elsewhere)

                                                                  2) to have another woman intervene in a mans marriage.

This woman from your past (is an ex), and if it was either her or another woman you got involved with - I do not feel it was 'love', but more 'lust', You were getting what was lacking in your marriage - but 'sex' does not keep you together.... ( you were still stuck on your wife) *could not commit, could not leave your marriage*

Was a heck of an experience, wasn't it?  😞  .. All messed up inside?

YOU need help. For yourself & your marriage.  If anything, end it and get in for some therapy.  So you can begin to work through what the experience has done to you.

As for your ex... She has moved on.. sucks it's your buddy- but you have NO control over that. ( IMO, that probably won't work out either.. how she can be so hurt about your actions/ then onto your friend?  I bet she's just as messed.. *sigh*.).

Either way... now is the time, to work at moving on away from all of that.. to focus on YOU.

 

 

[Kclone]

 

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

When did your wife become disinterested in sex and intimacy?

How did she react when you told her you were unhappy and wanted to try to work on making the marriage better? Because of course you talked to her to give the two of you a chance to work together to improve the relationship. You didn't just decide an affair for your own gratification before trying to fix the marriage...right?

When.  Well we were never really approached sex and intimacy the same way.   As I mentioned above I'm more sensual, expressive and interactive she is more reserved.  For the fist 10 years of our relationship, the frequency was great, but there was anything else beside straight up sex.  No touching with a purpose, hardly any foreplay type opportunities. We never fadeout.   When the frequency stopped, it was like there was nothing else left. 

How did she react when I try to talk about it?  She would go into a shell.  I got very frustrated because I was trying to communicate.  A lot of the time when I was trying to figure it out, she would offer me sex on the spot, but that is just to kill the conversation.  I wouldn't do it because I was trying to figure out the bigger issue.   So yeah I tried to fix it, but I wasn't qualified.  As others have mentioned we should have gone to couples therapy.   That was the mistake I made and yes it's my fault I ended up in this mess and am hurt.   

 

I had my first therapy session this morning.  I think I have a good one, it went well and I feel good about.  

To everyone else, thanks for the honest feedback, I appreciate it so much.  

[Kclone]

4 hours ago, Tinydance said:

But why stay with your wife if you're not even into her and you fell in love with another woman? Your marriage hadn't been going well for many years. I don't think you should worry about your kids because they're actually adults themselves now. They have a life of their own and are grown up and will probably handle it much better than you expect. You're not happy with your wife and that's why you had an affair. 

Unfortunately you can't really blame your college girlfriend for getting with your friend. She knows you're married and unavailable and you actually ended it. If you really wanted your college girlfriend then you should have left your wife for her, but you didn't.

actually there is more and more coming out about how damaging divorce is to adult children.  So knowing that, it was definitely a consideration.

[Kclone]

7 hours ago, boltnrun said:

When did your wife become disinterested in sex and intimacy?

How did she react when you told her you were unhappy and wanted to try to work on making the marriage better? Because of course you talked to her to give the two of you a chance to work together to improve the relationship. You didn't just decide an affair for your own gratification before trying to fix the marriage...right?

over the years there were multiple conversation attempts.   They picked up in frequency before the affair.  I would ask if she was open to stuff, even something small like rubbing my arm a certain way.  She sometimes would say yes she is open to trying stuff, but then never follow up.  Then I would be disappointed.   I really fked up.  Like others mentioned, I should have suggested therapy a long time ago and rooted out or unearthed if it was healthier for me to stay or go.

One note on the person I had an affair with, she also wanted it over because it was killing her not living her best life by being with me.  She didn't want to be dishonest.  It crushed her at the end.   I suppose maybe we were in limerence, I thought is was deep love though.  Anyway, it's over.  I have yet another therapy appointment tomorrow.   I also feel the deep pain is severing a purpose, I know one thing, I am never doing something like that again.  There is to much risk for pain and hurt for everyone involved.  Lesson learned.  

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Kclone said:

 I suppose maybe we were in limerence.

Interesting choice of words. Where did you arrive at this conclusion?

However it doesn't solve the problem of your unsatisfactory marriage or the mistress's departure.

You seem to wish to stay married for financial reasons and convenience.

Your distress comes from no longer having your escapes and adventures combined with the security of marriage.

 

 

[Kclone]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Interesting choice of words. Where did you arrive at this conclusion?

However it doesn't solve the problem of your unsatisfactory marriage or the mistress's departure.

You seem to wish to stay married for financial reasons and convenience.

Your distress comes from no longer having your escapes and adventures combined with the security of marriage.

 

 

no the escape and adventure is absolutely NOT part of my distress.  There was a duality to what I was doing.  I loved being with the other, but a the same time it was extremely stressful and I hated the person I was being. There was no way it was going to continue any further, both of us were exhausted by the situation.  It needed to be resolved by either me leaving or staying but it was definitely time to get off of the fence when I did.   You are on point that financial reasons and my family and extended family, that whole network, was a huge reason I didn't pull the trigger.   Fear was another factor, fear of the unknown.  

Limerence