Boyfriend watches porn and masturbate when I am right next to him

[lililand]

Hi, here it is: my boyfriend masturbates every day  in front of porn when I am right next to him,  for some reason it deeply hurts me. I am cool with the fact that he masturbate or watch porn on his own time. But when I am around  it hurts. When he start to watch porn and masturbate I sometimes try to participate or have sex with him. But he imediately turns the screen of his computer away so that the content of what he is watching is out of my sight and asks me to turn around. What hurts the most is that  he chooses porn over having sex with me ( I am a 25 yo attractive girl). I talked to him about it. He said that I was not open minded enough. That sometimes he just wants to masturbate, that masturbation and sex are two different thing that you cannot compare. That by masturbating and watching porn next to me he was just trying to be himself and that I should not try to change him. What should I do?

[cantalways]

In my opinion, it's reasonable to request that a partner watch porn in private if it makes the other feel inferior or upset in some way. In fact, from turning the screen away, it appears that he wants it to be private but just does wants to do it on his terms? It seems like an odd thing to be stubborn about and a very easy compromise. I'm a sex positive person and use porn myself. But a partner asking me to masturbate to porn in private wouldn't phase me.

Do you think this may be symptomatic of other problems—sexual and not—in the relationship? I'm getting that vibe from your post.

 

 

[lililand]

Thank you so much for your reply, this is so appreciated. What worries me the most is that he sometimes chooses porn over having sex with me. This worries me as none of the guys I have been with before did that. The rejection is also hard to accept. And finally I am a little worried that he is addicted to porn ( he watches it 2 times a day minimum) 

[Tinydance]

How long have you been together and do you live together? Personally I wouldn't like this behaviour either. I actually have no problem with my partner watching porn, and I watch it myself occasionally too. However if someone watches porn minimum twice a day and only wants to masturbate when their partner is actually there, to me that seems worrying. I think it either means the person is addicted to porn or they just don't want to have that intimate connection with their partner. I can totally see how it would feel like a rejection if your partner is masturbating and you get turned on and want to join in, but he doesn't want you to. I don't see what the point is to be in a relationship if he prefers porn and masturbating more than sex with his actual partner. Besides, if he's not even being considerate of your feelings at all and just says you're not open minded then he seems to not care how you feel at all? If he's not going to even try to understand how you feel then maybe you're just not compatible.

[Wiseman2]

You need to get up and leave when he does this. Stop trying to be "the cool GF" 

This has zero to do with openmindedness. It about rudenessi,insensitivity and disrespect.

Reconsider the relationship. It's eroding your self respect.

It doesn't matter what he's addicted to or not. He's cold and rude and sexually inept.

You don't have to put up with this. It's his problem, don't make it yours.

[SherrySher]

There is nothing about that scenario that is okay. He is degrading you and being completely disrespectful. That's gotta be some kind of torture, having the man you love, not only lusting after other women right in front of you, but masturbates to them.

Why on earth would you allow this?

Please get out of this situation and away from this man. That's not love and it doesn't make you "cool" to allow it and endure it. 

It's terrible and somewhat disgusting.

[MissCanuck]

He's being incredibly disrespectful to you by essentially rubbing your face in it and sometimes even choosing porn over you. 

I would not proceed with someone like this. Sorry. 

[lostandhurt]

The easy answer is:  If someone that supposedly loves you is doing something that makes you feel bad and you have told them and then they turn it back on you like you are wrong to feel the way you do then don't be around that person.  The short answer: Break up with him.

 His view of sex and intimacy is no where close to yours and from his attitude after you brought it up he is not going to change.

This will only get worse so how long are you willing to tolerate this treatment?  

I am sorry but he has chosen porn over you.  Time to end this.

Just remember this isn't about you, your body or how pretty you are, this is about him.

  Lost

[reinventmyself]

22 hours ago, lililand said:

The rejection is also hard to accept. And finally I am a little worried that he is addicted to porn ( he watches it 2 times a day minimum) 

This is a character flaw of his and not a rejection of you.

[lostcuz88]

Oh yah you need to let that little baby go.