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Was I "love bombed"? Or something akin to that?


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Hi

So it's been 3 months since I split up, and I been on a path of loving myself again.

My question being, when I've reflected on what had happened in the relationship, I wish to know if she was in fact love bombing or something alike.

 

3/4 weeks in I was being called "husband material"

Before I'd even met her mum, she was claiming that her mum was looking forward to meeting her future son in law

 

5/6 weeks in I was her soul mate and she said I love you

 

Consistent praise and compliments, I always reciprocated them back, as at the start for example obviously when first dating, I didn't like use flattery, she did and I then followed suit as I felt I need to compliment her too as she has complimented me.

 

I got the odd surprise gift that obviously weren't expected and i seen it as a lovely gesture, maybe too soon though?

 

It did seem a bit much too soon, but I was in awe of her looks and charm.

 

But as soon as my own personal life boundaries if you will, came in IE I've posted on here about a wedding a was going before I met her and holidays I had planned with friends, she would start to question the relationship between us.

Would this be classed as a devalue? As I have my own life outside, and because she kind of didn't agree, she questioned my maturity, is that a devaluing way?

Also saying that I said too many insensitive things for her liking and that's not how she wants the relationship to be. I was unaware of such things as she never mentioned what.

 

I felt as though one minute everything was great, and then next thing there where questions of the future. Blowing hot and cold perhaps?

 

It is all irrelevant now as when the breakup happened I was called all-sorts of nasty names etc

 

Are these signs of love bombing? As to be honest I'm still wounded somewhat from the relationship, and to warn me for the future.

Thanks

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Who cares about the label though? It sounds like she was full on, you went along for the ride and very often in the beginning there are people who will act on their intense feelings/infatuation by expressing it to the other person and crowding them, saying a lot of things without backing up those things with actions. You seem to have a need to label and categorize when in reality many relationships don't make it past the 2-3 month mark - around that time the couple begins to get to know each other and know each other through real life situations.

 

For the future understand that you get to play a part in the pace of a relationship and you get to decide if the person has proper boundaries with you - you also get to decide if you prefer to have blinders on /look the other way because you're very sexually attracted or acting out of desperation. You can control you.

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Any time someone is coming onto you over the top hot and heavy like this, can be considered love bombing. H

 

However, not all love bombing means that the person is a narcissist who is now devaluing you. What it does mean 100% of the time is that you are dealing with someone who is emotionally immature and with that come consequences that you are experiencing. Turning from hot to cold quickly.

 

I prefer the what burns hot, burns out fast as sort of a cautionary saying to remember to ground yourself when you meet someone new. As Batya wisely pointed out, you also control the pace and need to judge when something is not right early on. Nobody can love bomb you without your permission. So the biggest lesson here for you is that no matter how hot she is and how attracted you are, pay attention to red flags and don't be so easily flattered. Keep at least one foot firmly on the ground.

 

You are hurt because you actually believed the bs and you believed because you wanted to despite your better sense. You better common sense would tell you that no stranger who's known you 4 weeks should be talking marriage. They don't know you and you don't know them. You were too thirsty and so willing to drink swill and convince yourself it's fine wine.

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She's very possessive/jealous and insecure. She lays it on thick to get you to stay, keep you interested in her...very toxic behavior. She suffers from separation anxiety/ issues with abandonment. It's possible a parent left her life early in her childhood or the like, etc. ..She gets hurt very easily/feels threatened, feels devalued and lashes out her discontent. She's the one that is immature, and being unreasonable. So Sir, I say you dodged a bullet. She is nut job city.

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Is it a possibility you're not ready to date? The reason I ask is people generally pay each other compliments and look through rose-coloured lenses when they're infatuated or in the first phases of getting to know someone. And for others this is a permanent state, their personality and how they approach people. An old friend keeps doing this constantly the moment I walk in the room. He's just a very pleasant and affectionate man. For your case, I think she was in the first flush of romance with you so take it for what it was. Generally after a period, we start to notice things about the person we're dating and the relationship can take a turn one way or another way.

 

What you can do in future is roll with it and learn to accept compliments and kind thoughts or words from others but try not to let it affect you so much especially if you haven't known someone for very long.

 

Later on, when the rose-coloured lenses inevitably fall off you can speak frankly and genuinely with each other, hopefully with some tact, about ways to improve as a couple or enjoy your time better together. You shouldn't be mum or mute when someone criticizes your hobbies, likes, dislikes or whatever makes you happy. Concerns and chats should be welcome because if you can't trust your partner to be your sounding board, that's half the fun taken out of it.

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I suppose we could put her behavior under the microscope and go through the checklist of buzz terms you found on the internet.

 

It's normal trying to make sense of things to a point.

But your energy is better spent trying to learn things about yourself.

 

Most people feel very uncomfortable with the type of attention you just described. After all there is no way she could have known you in such a short time to have attached such intense feelings and actions towards you.

 

What is it about that that didn't cause you concern?

 

Crude saying' people who are really hungry will eat just about anything

 

There are some valuable lessons here. Take some time to look at your participation in this. That's all you have control of.

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Is it a possibility you're not ready to date? The reason I ask is people generally pay each other compliments and look through rose-coloured lenses when they're infatuated or in the first phases of getting to know someone. And for others this is a permanent state, their personality and how they approach people. An old friend keeps doing this constantly the moment I walk in the room. He's just a very pleasant and affectionate man. For your case, I think she was in the first flush of romance with you so take it for what it was. Generally after a period, we start to notice things about the person we're dating and the relationship can take a turn one way or another way.

 

What you can do in future is roll with it and learn to accept compliments and kind thoughts or words from others but try not to let it affect you so much especially if you haven't known someone for very long.

 

Later on, when the rose-coloured lenses inevitably fall off you can speak frankly and genuinely with each other, hopefully with some tact, about ways to improve as a couple or enjoy your time better together. You shouldn't be mum or mute when someone criticizes your hobbies, likes, dislikes or whatever makes you happy. Concerns and chats should be welcome because if you can't trust your partner to be your sounding board, that's half the fun taken out of it.

 

I did roll with it and it was/felt great. As i never experienced it before i was hooked. I also gave compliments out also. What threw me was the way a certain thing she didn't like or agree with, she would immediately question it as i say hot and cold. It didnt make sense to me as one day she calls me perfect for example then the next it would be questioning maturity. Then when things were ok, it was back to "normal". I've certainly learned from this experience, as it felt like a whirlwind, because of the early marriage talk instigated by her, and because of how charming etc she was early doors, like everyone when first dating, i just rolled with it and said the same. when in reality, looking back i should have said well thats to early to be talking like that, which coincides with a reply from Batya33 about me also being in control of the pace of the relationship. When she said she loved me after 5/6 weeks, i personally didnt feel the same, but i didnt speak up, i thought it may have upset her if i didnt say it back, another learning curve.

 

Thanks for the input

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I suppose we could put her behavior under the microscope and go through the checklist of buzz terms you found on the internet.

 

It's normal trying to make sense of things to a point.

But your energy is better spent trying to learn things about yourself.

 

Most people feel very uncomfortable with the type of attention you just described. After all there is no way she could have known you in such a short time to have attached such intense feelings and actions towards you.

 

What is it about that that didn't cause you concern?

 

Crude saying' people who are really hungry will eat just about anything

 

There are some valuable lessons here. Take some time to look at your participation in this. That's all you have control of.

 

I have looked in self reflection to this and i just didnt speak up properly when i felt a bit uncomfortable about the pace it seemed to be going, i was looking through the rose tinted lens looking back now, so i have learned to well if it appears to good to be true, it probably is and to speak up and let my point be known, or walk away.

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I did roll with it and it was/felt great. As i never experienced it before i was hooked. I also gave compliments out also. What threw me was the way a certain thing she didn't like or agree with, she would immediately question it as i say hot and cold. It didnt make sense to me as one day she calls me perfect for example then the next it would be questioning maturity. Then when things were ok, it was back to "normal". I've certainly learned from this experience, as it felt like a whirlwind, because of the early marriage talk instigated by her, and because of how charming etc she was early doors, like everyone when first dating, i just rolled with it and said the same. when in reality, looking back i should have said well thats to early to be talking like that, which coincides with a reply from Batya33 about me also being in control of the pace of the relationship. When she said she loved me after 5/6 weeks, i personally didnt feel the same, but i didnt speak up, i thought it may have upset her if i didnt say it back, another learning curve.

 

Thanks for the input

 

Sorry to hear this. Yes, do take things in stride and feel more comfortable sharing your thoughts when dating. If someone appears too aggressive at the start it's not a good sign. It sounds like she had mixed thoughts about you. The early stages of dating should be enjoyable and fun where you are learning about each other in stages, not feeling threatened and confused often.

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Whenever someone is in love with you before taking the time to even get to know you very well, what should that tell you?

 

People with lousy judgment form fantasies 'about' people. They're trying to make their pictures happen.

 

The minute their 'love object' makes one (perfectly reasonable) move outside the scope of the fantasy, the bubble bursts, and they start whining, or leaving, or both.

 

This doesn't mean you should learn how to navigate someone's fantasy better--just the opposite. Get clear about who you are and what you want, stand firm with that, and screen people carefully as you get to know them. Over t.i.m.e.

 

From there, the relationship will either develop organically, or not. In most cases, we are NOT in true simpatico with someone--and that's just natural odds. But isn't it something you'll want to learn early?

 

Someone who doesn't know me can't possibly love me. Grasping that is the best screening device, because it allows you to recognize bad judgment rather than fall into it yourself.

 

Head high, and trust that the right person for you will view you through the right lens--not a fantasy.

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