Feeling used and abused

[Jas76]

Ok, then all you have to do is stop hyper-focusing on her and her theoretical diagnoses. Try to go back to your life before it was interrupted by this tryst.

 

How was your life before her? Were you happy? Dating? Working? Socializing? Try to do a system restore with your spinning mind, back to the time when things were functioning better.

 

Yes, I think I'm a bit guilty of that.

 

Definitely not too happy before, as I suffer from depression. The facial pain (trigeminal neuralgia) also causes me a lot of misery and debility from time to time, though this hasn't been too bad recently thankfully.

 

Also not much dating before, and not working due to health problems, which has been the case for a few years. I often used to sleep all day because of the side effects of opiates. So, not much of a social life, especially now with COVID-19, which compounds matters.

 

A friend of mine actually broke ties with me, albeit for a few months, because I didn't show an interest in his son's birthday. He took major offence it would seem. He clearly wasn't very sympathetic to my chronic health problems, whereas as the lady in question seems to be very understanding, when she is not manic of course.

 

Avoiding contact with friends and taking part in fewer social activities is a symptom of depression. My other health problems and the side effects of medication (extreme tiredness etc.) make/made matters worse.

[boltnrun]

You admitted engaging with this woman exacerbates your mental health issues.

 

So why do you want to continue to engage? Because sometimes she was nice? You have to realize you'd be dealing with both the "nice" her AND the her who exacerbates your mental health issues.

[Jas76]

You admitted engaging with this woman exacerbates your mental health issues.

 

So why do you want to continue to engage? Because sometimes she was nice? You have to realize you'd be dealing with both the "nice" her AND the her who exacerbates your mental health issues.

 

Yes, indeed. That's the crux of the conundrum.

[boltnrun]

Well, if a food tasted good but made you sick would you continue to eat it?

 

You say you "love" her and have an emotional attachment to her. You realize that you are as attached to the "bad" parts of her as you are to the "good" parts. I'd wonder why I'm attracted to spending time with someone who treats me so badly.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Chronic pain sucks, especially when the cure becomes worse than the disease. Hopefully the TN is in remission. And yes covid is bad for everyone and makes already bad situations/conditions even worse.

 

There are things you can do however rather than focus on this woman. One is to make sure your TN and depression are managed to the best possibility they can be. Of course even in severe pain syndromes, opiates are only for short term use and are in themselves depressants. So find a good neurologist and psychiatrist to tweak your treatment.

 

Another thing, if it's helpful to you, is to start a recovery or personal journal here: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=64

 

At some level you realize perseverating on her issues is a distraction, albeit a nonproductive one. Human suffering is universal. You'll see that from the many journals on heartache, chronic pain, health conditions and life in general.

Definitely not too happy before, as I suffer from depression. The facial pain (trigeminal neuralgia) also causes me a lot of misery and debility from time to time, though this hasn't been too bad recently thankfully.

 

Avoiding contact with friends and taking part in fewer social activities is a symptom of depression. My other health problems and the side effects of medication (extreme tiredness etc.) make/made matters worse.

[Jas76]

Well, if a food tasted good but made you sick would you continue to eat it?

 

You say you "love" her and have an emotional attachment to her. You realize that you are as attached to the "bad" parts of her as you are to the "good" parts. I'd wonder why I'm attracted to spending time with someone who treats me so badly.

 

I see where you are coming from.

 

To use your analogy, the food only tends to make sick occasionally, and when it does, it makes me really sick.

 

I was hoping of finding a way of taming her bad parts, but sometimes think that is futile and I am out of my depth.

 

In simple terms, I really think a messy self-image, low self-esteem and vindictive nature are her issues, together with a tragic childhood. Not sure if there is a solution there.

[boltnrun]

I see where you are coming from.

 

To use your analogy, the food only tends to make sick occasionally, and when it does, it makes me really sick.

 

I was hoping of finding a way of taming her bad parts, but somethings think that is futile and I am out of my depth.

 

In simple terms, I really think a messy self-image, low self-esteem and vindictive nature are her issues, together with a tragic childhood. Not sure if there is a solution there.

 

You can't "tame her bad parts". For one thing, that would take a professional. And for another thing, wouldn't she have to admit she had issues? You say she has not.

 

There is a "solution", you just don't want to seem to want it. Stop engaging and find someone else to communicate with. Seriously, there are SO many people online right now who are looking for people to chat with. And many, many of them are perfectly nice people.

 

And you haven't addressed my question...what is it that makes you attracted to someone who abuses you? And not the tired "but she's not always mean!!" Because most people would have boogied after being talked to like that, no matter how lovely the person might have been before.

[Jas76]

Sorry to hear this. Chronic pain sucks, especially when the cure becomes worse than the disease. Hopefully the TN is in remission. And yes covid is bad for everyone and makes already bad situations/conditions even worse.

 

There are things you can do however rather than focus on this woman. One is to make sure your TN and depression are managed to the best possibility they can be. Of course even in severe pain syndromes, opiates are only for short term use and are in themselves depressants. So find a good neurologist and psychiatrist to tweak your treatment.

 

Another thing, if it's helpful to you, is to start a recovery or personal journal here: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=64

 

At some level you realize perseverating on her issues is a distraction, albeit a nonproductive one. Human suffering is universal. You'll see that from the many journals on heartache, chronic pain, health conditions and life in general.

 

Yep, it sucks alright, and yes, the side effects of medication are often worse than the pain itself. To make matters worse, opiates lose some of their effectiveness after a while too, as you have touched upon.

 

You're totally right about opiates and them being depressants themselves. How did you know about that? Have you been on them? They have really compounded my depression at times, as they really seem to mess with dopamine levels etc.

 

I tried to explore other medications, but the side effects there are just as grim, so I tend to shy away from that.

 

Indeed, COVID-19 has been an absolute nightmare.

 

I'll look at a journal, many thanks.

 

You're totally right about human suffering. It's quite a sick world we live in (one of the main drivers of my depression) and it sadly produces a lot of very damaged, cynical and unpleasant people. It also produces a lot of decent people, who learn from the suffering, and come out better people e.g. more emphatic and altruistic.

 

I'm so glad I found this forum though. The input has been extremely inspiring and helpful, especially during these times. It's been an absolute godsend.

[Jas76]

You can't "tame her bad parts". For one thing, that would take a professional. And for another thing, wouldn't she have to admit she had issues? You say she has not.

 

There is a "solution", you just don't want to seem to want it. Stop engaging and find someone else to communicate with. Seriously, there are SO many people online right now who are looking for people to chat with. And many, many of them are perfectly nice people.

 

And you haven't addressed my question...what is it that makes you attracted to someone who abuses you? And not the tired "but she's not always mean!!" Because most people would have boogied after being talked to like that, no matter how lovely the person might have been before.

 

Yes, I really don't see her seeing a mental health professional again, unless a miracle happens. Yes, she also seems to think that she is perfectly fine and seemingly infallible. I would argue that, in any event, at her age it is likely that she is pretty set in her ways.

 

I have noted that she went to the her GP to get some hormone treatment. It seems a hormone imbalance could cause mood swings etc., but I think her behaviour cannot be explained away by the odd mood swing. I sense there is something more serious going on there.

 

Yep, I know there are plenty of nice people around. I'm not a big talker when I meet new people in person (due to my difficult childhood I suspect), and my therapists says that studies show that women find this very unattractive (studies have shown that women almost universally find shyness unattractive in potential romantic partners). I have had this problem on many occasions before. For example, I went out with a woman and wasn't very chatty that night for whatever reason. The woman in question just very coldly ignored me after that, including one or two very pleasant text messages after the event.

 

Anyway, hopefully ongoing therapy will help with my shyness issues (assuming that is what it is).

 

Indeed, I told her exactly that - many people would have run a mile after her shocking outburst. I think telling her that the age difference and her skin was an issue for me during intimacy really triggered something profound, together with me telling her that I would like to keep things platonic (due to intimacy complicating things), and she was attempting to inflict as much pain and humiliation on me as she could from a distance.

 

I know all couples have heated arguments from time to time, but her behaviour that night was extremely shocking by anyone's measure.

 

So, my thinking is that if there is no intimacy and I keep her at a safe distance, there may be a way to keep her unruly and hostile behaviour under control, albeit for the most part.

[boltnrun]

"I know all couples have heated arguments from time to time, but her behaviour that night was extremely shocking by anyone's measure.

"

 

So you viewed the two of you as a couple?

 

And you still want to maintain a relationship with her knowing she is likely to be verbally abusive again. That's too bad, because you've said her verbal abuse exacerbates your mental health issues. But I presume you feel putting up with her abuse is the price you are willing to pay to keep her in your life.

[Jas76]

"I know all couples have heated arguments from time to time, but her behaviour that night was extremely shocking by anyone's measure.

"

 

So you viewed the two of you as a couple?

 

And you still want to maintain a relationship with her knowing she is likely to be verbally abusive again. That's too bad, because you've said her verbal abuse exacerbates your mental health issues. But I presume you feel putting up with her abuse is the price you are willing to pay to keep her in your life.

 

Not really, but as we got intimate we got pretty close to that.

 

I haven't really come to a firm conclusion whether she is worth the grief or there is any hope. There have been times where I've blocked her, then unblocked her etc.

[Capricorn3]

In simple terms, I really think a messy self-image, low self-esteem and vindictive nature are her issues, together with a tragic childhood. Not sure if there is a solution there.

This all kinda describes BOTH of you. Add to that depression, major health issues, therapy, mental health issues, etc etc on both sides ......... Tell me OP, does any of that sound like it would end in a happy, healthy, successful relationship for either of you?

[Wiseman2]

https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/opioids/signs-of-opioid-abuse.html

[MissCanuck]

Strangely enough I got a message from her today, essentially saying she hopes I'm okay. Not sure if this is because she has settled down after a period of mania and/or she is starting to feel remorse

 

Or whatever other man she was trying to manipulate got sick of her and she figured she’d knock on your door again.

 

Don’t be naive enough to assume that you’re the only man she has on her radar. People like her always have a back-up person in the works.

[Wiseman2]

It seems best to focus only on you. Your health. Your social situations. Your family. Your friends. Your finances. Your employment or disability situation. Posts about her are pointless and do not really support all the other issues you are dealing with.

[Jas76]

This all kinda describes BOTH of you. Add to that depression, major health issues, therapy, mental health issues, etc etc on both sides ......... Tell me OP, does any of that sound like it would end in a happy, healthy, successful relationship for either of you?

 

In some respect probably, yes. The main difference is that no matter how hurt or offended I am, I don't resort to dishing out the kind of abuse she has. I wouldn't dream of it in a million years, not least because I know I will almost certainly burn my bridges. This lady, however, seems to want to have her cake and eat it, so to speak.

 

The other key difference is that I have swallowed my pride and am seeking support for my clinical depression, whereas she seems to be in complete denial.

[Jas76]

https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/opioids/signs-of-opioid-abuse.html

 

Very interesting. I don't think I would describe my situation as an addition though. I generally only take opioids when I really have to.

[Jas76]

Or whatever other man she was trying to manipulate got sick of her and she figured she’d knock on your door again.

 

Don’t be naive enough to assume that you’re the only man she has on her radar. People like her always have a back-up person in the works.

 

Possibly, but I really don't think there will be many men lining up to romance her.

 

Whilst you mention that, when I first started speaking with her via Facebook, she said she has an interest in someone other than me, who appears to have given her the cold shoulder (no surprises there). Perhaps I was 'plan B'.

[Jas76]

It seems best to focus only on you. Your health. Your social situations. Your family. Your friends. Your finances. Your employment or disability situation. Posts about her are pointless and do not really support all the other issues you are dealing with.

 

Yes, I think there is some wisdom there. I am finding the whole things with her very emotionally and mentally taxing.

 

I've sent her a message recently stating that I find her overemotional behaviour very concerning, mainly because she is driving people away and ultimately isolating herself. I framed it as tactfully as possible, though there is a possibility of a further explosive outburst. If that is the case, she'll be blocked.

[Wiseman2]

Don't bother sending her anymore barbs about her behavior. It will backfire.

[boltnrun]

Your contact with her is an obvious attempt to keep her in your life. You're eating that food that makes you sick, knowingly and deliberately.

 

How is this going to improve your life in any way?

 

No one is going to look out for you except you, not in important ways. I'm puzzled why you keep trying to keep this abusive woman in your life. All you've said so far is she's not always abusive. Well, sometimes she is, so why sign on for more?

[MissCanuck]

Possibly, but I really don't think there will be many men lining up to romance her.

 

That’s why she targets men she knows she can manipulate and abuse. There’s a certain demographic she goes after.

[Jas76]

Don't bother sending her anymore barbs about her behavior. It will backfire.

 

She's responded by saying that everyone is getting a bit emotional due to COVID-19, which I think is a major cop out.

[Jas76]

Your contact with her is an obvious attempt to keep her in your life. You're eating that food that makes you sick, knowingly and deliberately.

 

How is this going to improve your life in any way?

 

No one is going to look out for you except you, not in important ways. I'm puzzled why you keep trying to keep this abusive woman in your life. All you've said so far is she's not always abusive. Well, sometimes she is, so why sign on for more?

 

She's not abusive about 90% of the time, and it during that time she's one of the most caring people I've met.

 

I guess I'm looking at possible solutions before giving her the cold shoulder.

 

She also know where I live, my e-mail address and my home phone number etc., so I'm trying to keep things amicable.

[Jas76]

That’s why she targets men she knows she can manipulate and abuse. There’s a certain demographic she goes after.

 

Could well be true, and I've very mindful of that now.