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Dating has gotten so frustrating and challenging


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I guess this is more of a rant... I feel like dating has gotten to be SO challenging and the only way to do it these days is through apps (especially during the pandemic).

 

Most people on apps are either not over their exes yet or there’s just no chemistry. It’s always one person feels chemistry and the other doesn’t... I’ve been really struggling these last couple of weeks with this and I’m starting to get frustrated.

 

I saw a post online that hit me deep in the feels... basically along the lines of:

 

“Are you dating anyone”

“There’s one person I like and one that likes me... but they’re not the same person”

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I often found dating very frustrating and challenging over the 24 years I did so - when I wasn't in a serious relationship. Many years, many people, hundreds. Part time job at times! I can relate!

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Are you on general dating apps or ones that are more specific for same sex relationships? Two weeks is not that long, but the corona thing does make matters more difficult. Be patient, retool your pics and profile, screen well and use quality apps that maximize your target community

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I’m on hinge, bumble and tinder. I have pretty good luck with dates on hinge and bumble, tinder is just a sh*tshow lol.

 

I recently went on a date with someone that I was really into... it’s really hard for me to even really like someone to begin with. Great and hilarious texting convo and then also great in person as well, lots of laughing etc etc. so I thought we really had chemistry. Turns out, she didn’t feel any chemistry and I find out later she’s not over her ex. Agreed to be friends because I’m okay with that but already know that’s not going to happen, it’s just something we all say to cut the awkwardness.

 

Went on another date this morning... I’ve been dating outside of my typical type to put myself out there. Didn’t feel a connection at all with this person... back to the drawing board.

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It takes awhile to build a connection.

 

Are you emotionally available yourself? I ask as a lot of emotionally unavailable people tend to seek equally unavailable people for partners also and then wonder, unfortunately, why no one is sticking. Now's a good time to take a brief look at yourself and how far you've come in your personal life since your last relationship. Do you feel sensitive to others or how they think or feel? Do you judge people solely for their looks or mannerisms or how high or low their voice is or what clothing they're wearing? Do you have barriers intellectually - not able to connect with people who have different interests from you? I'm asking these questions not to annoy you because I know how hard it is to build that connection with someone.

 

Are you also putting a lot of pressure on yourself right now? Where's that pressure coming from? If it's loneliness, you'll have to fight through that and find positive and better ways to figure out how to be alone happily or check in with your friends and family. Love doesn't always happen even in the best of times. Now with 2020 the way it's been it's tough on everyone, not just singles.

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It takes awhile to build a connection.

 

Are you emotionally available yourself? I ask as a lot of emotionally unavailable people tend to seek equally unavailable people for partners also and then wonder, unfortunately, why no one is sticking. Now's a good time to take a brief look at yourself and how far you've come in your personal life since your last relationship. Do you feel sensitive to others or how they think or feel? Do you judge people solely for their looks or mannerisms or how high or low their voice is or what clothing they're wearing? Do you have barriers intellectually - not able to connect with people who have different interests from you? I'm asking these questions not to annoy you because I know how hard it is to build that connection with someone.

 

Are you also putting a lot of pressure on yourself right now? Where's that pressure coming from? If it's loneliness, you'll have to fight through that and find positive and better ways to figure out how to be alone happily or check in with your friends and family. Love doesn't always happen even in the best of times. Now with 2020 the way it's been it's tough on everyone, not just singles.

 

I’d like to think I am emotionally available but it is really hard to tell. I think I do feel sensitive to others and how they think/feel. I definitely understand someone not being over their ex as I have been in that position before and know what it’s like and how difficult it can be and I also get when someone doesn’t feel chemistry towards me because I’m in the position towards other people in other scenarios.

 

I definitely judge someone based on looks... that’s the problem with apps, it’s all about appearance. No one (myself included) gives someone’s personality a chance. I feel like if I’m not instantaneously attracted to someone, I write them off even though if the situation was different and we were in a friend group or something, there may be potential for feelings to grow. If I’m not attracted to them, I feel like I instantly don’t like their personality either and don’t want to even be bothered to see them/hang out again but I know this is wrong.

 

I live near a university so I’ve dated quite a few grad students/PhD students. All these types of people are so intelligent and motivated in what they do which I am extremely attracted to. Myself being a working professional right out of college, my job is not my life. I think I might come across as unmotivated when I talk about my work because

 

1. I honestly don’t want to bore the other person, I’d much rather learn about their studies because it actually interests me and I feel like going into the details of what I actually do is confusing and boring compared to the research they are doing

 

2. I think I have a bit of imposter syndrome when it comes to work so I try to downplay my skills a bit and even knock myself down a bit. I’m definitely working on this though

 

The pressure is definitely coming from being single for a while now. I have been stuck on exes in the past and I finally feel like I’m ready for a new relationship. Not to mention everytime I talk to a family member, they ask me if I’m dating someone. My grandma even said “don’t you think it’s about time to start dating someone now?”, the last time I spoke to her. Extremely irritating but I also feel like it’s time for me to finally meet someone.

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So you're talking about first meets that go nowhere -that's a very preliminary part of dating - and what you describe is really typical -kissing lots of frogs and the like - please don't overthink this. Seems to me your expectations from typing and talking are way out of bounds - I click with many strangers that way online -I am not trying to date but I do try to meet new friends -and in person even on a platonic basis can be a whole different story and/or the person just doesn't want to put in the effort to meet in person.

 

I was very very motivated about my work and studies. And -this is true too -my job was not my life -might you be stereotyping these people you meet a few times just because they talk about their work a lot? On my first lunch date with my husband one of the first questions he asked me was why I chose our career/field (same one) -it was important to him to date someone who was passionate about her work. He is passionate about his. Still is -he switched careers -but he is passionate about his work over 25 years later. Our jobs are absolutely not our lives. If you are truly interested in learning about what the other person is doing try to do that without playing the comparison game with your chosen job or stereotyping someone you barely know as having the 'my job is my life" mindset.

 

Of course everyone will ask if you are dating someone. Of course there always will be people who ask inappropriate questions. When I finally got married at age 42 and became a momma the next intrusive question was "when are you going to give him a sibling" -there will always be people like that. Brush it aside IMO like the annoying fly near my coffee right now.

 

Good luck. Head high!

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Well the good news is you don't have to do it. And that's not me being snarky. You're free to and in all reality probably should take a break from elective activities you find yourself not enjoying. Bringing a dejected attitude into your efforts generally doesn't bode well for either party.

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I’d like to think I am emotionally available but it is really hard to tell. I think I do feel sensitive to others and how they think/feel. I definitely understand someone not being over their ex as I have been in that position before and know what it’s like and how difficult it can be and I also get when someone doesn’t feel chemistry towards me because I’m in the position towards other people in other scenarios.

 

I definitely judge someone based on looks... that’s the problem with apps, it’s all about appearance. No one (myself included) gives someone’s personality a chance. I feel like if I’m not instantaneously attracted to someone, I write them off even though if the situation was different and we were in a friend group or something, there may be potential for feelings to grow. If I’m not attracted to them, I feel like I instantly don’t like their personality either and don’t want to even be bothered to see them/hang out again but I know this is wrong.

 

I live near a university so I’ve dated quite a few grad students/PhD students. All these types of people are so intelligent and motivated in what they do which I am extremely attracted to. Myself being a working professional right out of college, my job is not my life. I think I might come across as unmotivated when I talk about my work because

 

1. I honestly don’t want to bore the other person, I’d much rather learn about their studies because it actually interests me and I feel like going into the details of what I actually do is confusing and boring compared to the research they are doing

 

2. I think I have a bit of imposter syndrome when it comes to work so I try to downplay my skills a bit and even knock myself down a bit. I’m definitely working on this though

 

The pressure is definitely coming from being single for a while now. I have been stuck on exes in the past and I finally feel like I’m ready for a new relationship. Not to mention everytime I talk to a family member, they ask me if I’m dating someone. My grandma even said “don’t you think it’s about time to start dating someone now?”, the last time I spoke to her. Extremely irritating but I also feel like it’s time for me to finally meet someone.

 

Go easy with the online dating if you're finding you're automatically swiping left or right mentally. Take a break like the others have suggested. I don't think anything you wrote is wrong and I can relate. I think most people will relate to the frustration if they are open to a relationship but there aren't any suitable matches.

 

It won't be a magic equation but I can tell you that the more you focus on yourself and your own growth, the less and less finding the correct match will matter. That void inside you will complete itself in its own way - through your actions and your own accomplishments. I've never heard of an imposter syndrome until you mentioned it. Is there a reason for this or why you feel you don't deserve whatever credit you feel is due to you? Explore this. I think this could add to your peace of mind and bring you a lot of confidence and satisfaction in your life overall. Have you tried going to any work conferences or going out of your way for workshops or gatherings that are optional? Ie. meet and greets or after work socials? You don't have to overextend yourself or stay for the whole duration but it might help you feel more comfortable and connected to your profession or your career. It won't be just a job to you and you might feel comfortable joking about certain aspects of the work or commiserating with others about general topics. There's a human side to every career no matter how dry or boring it may appear on the surface.

 

Why not date others who are also working (not students)? You may be limiting yourself with just this area. Do working professionals intimidate you?

 

Do you go out often (not just with friends) but by yourself? I ask as this forces someone to usually form their own day, hear their own thoughts and gives a person a chance to create their own reality and life, form identities. I've met a lot of people just enjoying the town on my own. Very unexpected and enjoyable connections that turned into friendships over time. There's also something freeing about being comfortable with yourself just the way you are and being accepted by complete strangers whether it's a friendly hi or an invitation to go out or a random conversation. It's also humbling and inspiring because people see you only for you, without your group of friends. Welcoming that kind of friendly conversation and banter feels good. It's freeing and grounding at the same time.

 

I'm lucky and feel fortunate to live in BC (Canada). Restrictions are lowering here and there's plenty of opportunity to go out as a single person and meet new people. What is it like where you are?

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Sounds like this might be a good time to actually take a break from trying to date and work really hard on the self hate.

 

The whole "my studies aren't as interesting, my life is boring, I'm less than....." - you might have the most interesting life in the world, but your attitude will turn off everyone, including yourself.......

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I feel this and understand this so hard. I've NEVER been one to do apps but before I knew it, I moved to NY and have been on 10+ dates via apps,and have met a few cool people but only 1 that went on to me my bf. Everyone else I've ever met and have been romantically interested in I've met in person and it's just a whole different experience when you organically meet that person and build a connection. I ALSO agree hinge is the better dating app, tinder is absolute trash nowadays it's not what it was before and I would even go to say bumble is trash. Also any app you pay for I feel like more serious people are on there. But just keep your head up. I'm in the SAME pickle sis, and it's so frustrating as hell. I like this one guy have been talking to him for 3 months during the entire quarantine facetiming and everything and then this other guy I matched with asked me out even faster than he did. I'm mad confused.

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I'm with all of you. Things are tough already and the pandemic just added to it.

 

In the last month, I tried Match again which was a waste of time. I can't remember exactly how many messages I sent but it was in the double digits. However, I didn't get a reply to any of them. Let alone a profile view. These messages were not just a "Hey", "Hi", or "What's up". I asked them how their week was treating them followed by a question unique to their profile to start a conversation. The lack of reciprocation made me wonder if my messages were actually getting to them.

 

Then last night I looked at Hinge which I just couldn't stand. I don't think I had anything in common with about 99% of the many profiles I viewed. Everyone wants to go hiking, visit Machu Picchu, work out, and their pictures look like they are at a fashion show. I'm just not into any of that. Ended up deleting my account after an hour. Bumble is more of the same from what I recall.

 

Have any of you tried the Facebook dating section?

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I'm with all of you. Things are tough already and the pandemic just added to it.

 

In the last month, I tried Match again which was a waste of time. I can't remember exactly how many messages I sent but it was in the double digits. However, I didn't get a reply to any of them. Let alone a profile view. These messages were not just a "Hey", "Hi", or "What's up". I asked them how their week was treating them followed by a question unique to their profile to start a conversation. The lack of reciprocation made me wonder if my messages were actually getting to them.

 

Then last night I looked at Hinge which I just couldn't stand. I don't think I had anything in common with about 99% of the many profiles I viewed. Everyone wants to go hiking, visit Machu Picchu, work out, and their pictures look like they are at a fashion show. I'm just not into any of that. Ended up deleting my account after an hour. Bumble is more of the same from what I recall.

 

Have any of you tried the Facebook dating section?

 

I haven’t tried the Facebook dating section... I have a feeling it’s not something a lot of people in my particular age range go on. I find the most popular apps are bumble, hinge, and tinder. I’ve been on bumble and tinder for about 3 years now and just recently started using hinge since I moved to a new location. Pretty much 90% of the people I’ve met off tinder weren’t really people I’d like to date...

 

Good success for me on bumble and hinge though.

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I agree with the OP. I tried a couple of the free dating apps before and they were terrible (not the ones mentioned though.) The matches they gave me looked like a line-up of old, serial killers lol. Maybe I'm too picky, but if those are my matches, I'd just as soon stay single. I found that it just took up hours of time, flipping through the "matches" and hitting "no" for all of them. I don't know if the apps that cost money are any better, but I would hope so as you are making an actual investment.

The other thing I found, is that men do not take woman out on dates anymore. There really doesn't seem to be real dating, it's all just "come over and hang out" then they expect you to get physical right away. They don't offer to actually go out on a real date and do not seem interested in getting to know you as a person. I found this is true of both dating apps and guys I meet in life.

For the most part, it's all just too time consuming and expensive for me right now as I am very busy myself at the moment so I don't bother.

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