Help hahahah in my feels rn

[boltnrun]

You can't "miss" someone if they didn't go away.

 

I don't "miss" a cheeseburger right after I ate one. However, if I haven't had one in quite some time I start craving one.

 

Make sense?

[ynk6]

Surprisingly, that’s probably the best analogy I’ve ever seen hahahah I did go away for about 4-5 weeks if that helps but I guess that’s not enough time 😂

[Tanzi]

Well, to be brutally honest, she won't be ignoring her feelings for you because there won't be any feelings for you - not emotional ones anyway. That's how she is able to move on.

 

If she does still have feelings for you then time apart will help them resurface.

 

It sounds as though she did love you and you were someone special to her - that will never change. As to whether she still does, well, that is something she is probably questioning herself. She's gotta work it out on her own.

[Tanzi]

You can't "miss" someone if they didn't go away.

 

I don't "miss" a cheeseburger right after I ate one. However, if I haven't had one in quite some time I start craving one.

 

Make sense?

 

Makes so much sense! We can all relate to that now.

[ynk6]

I think there are feelings and she’s trying to ignore them; she doesn’t want to be in contact because I think she’s trying to move from them 😂 ahhhh I guess I’ll give her the time and space to work it out by herself :/ I feel like my chances are v good tbh

[Tanzi]

Well, again, that could be a possibility given what went down with her dad and sister. I know you have made your peace with them but maybe she feels that things will never be the same between you all. Could be a deal-breaker for her.

[bluecastle]

Sorry you're hurting, confused.

 

I doubt this is what you want to hear—just bear with me a moment—but what strikes me about this thread is your certainty in understanding what she really feels, what she really wants, which also happens to be the same thing you want her to feel, to want. That's a headspace to try to avoid in a relationship, since it kind makes someone's individual life and story all about you and your story, which is a deeply frustrating and stifling feeling. And it's really something avoid in these moments. Not easy, I know. But a critical skill needed for connection—be it in this case, or whatever else the future has in store for you.

 

Personal example? I live with my girlfriend—she's like 20 feet away from me right this second—and I have no idea what she's thinking and feeling right now. I have a sense that she is feeling some stuff, partly because we talk, partly because we're decently tuned into each other's energies. Is it pandemic stuff? Protest stuff? Work stuff? Us stuff? I don't know! I'm here—literally, emotionally—if she wants to talk. I'm also here if she doesn't want to talk. But "here" is not hovering over her shoulder waiting and trying to manipulate her—I've been out most of the day, have plans tonight. We are two people.

 

And if she breaks up with me tomorrow, a hypothetical I'm not worried about but of course always a possibility, as you've learned? Well, that would be the exact place I'd be in, and hold, for as long as I could authentically. I'd be open to understanding her better, without having any control over whether she'd be open. I'd have no other choice, really, because I'd love her and want to be back with her.

 

What's clear is that what you are feeling right now is not what she is feeling. Repeat that to yourself a few times, get cozy with it rather than treat it as a threat or a verdict, or come up with a story that changes those facts based on social media, third party analysis, whatever. So, again: What she feels is not what you feel. What she wants, as you read this sentence, is not what you want.

 

Which, yeah, sucks. Get cozy with that too. At the end of the day the most certain thing here is that you have no idea which way this coin is going to land, save the fact that the odds in your favor are not great. You can read a zillion things on the internet, plot dates and times, turn Snapchat or whatever into tea leaves, but all that is just a way to deal with not knowing and to find some false sense of control. But since control is the death knell of connections, even hopes for reconnecting, this is a very good time to check that instinct and find comfort in all the discomfort.

 

So, yeah, give her space, per the above. And take space for yourself. If this door is open, for you, find a way to be comfortable with that, even if she never walks through it. Time tends to close these doors, or show that keeping them open was the right choice, far more than any chess move we can come up with.

[Billie28]

If she is not interested why not just block me and move on in life? her blocking then unblocking me a few days later just so i can see her post really does scream she wants my attention

 

She was interested , she no longer is.

 

The blocking / unblocking is just part of her grieving process.

Doubting herself , then waves of self confidence etc.

unblocking you was not necessarily to get attention from you. It was more likely a sense of missing you which is natural but then seeing aspects of your profile reminds her of why she doesn’t want to back.

 

People respond differently to break ups regardless of whether they are the dumper or dumpee.

 

For her it was distraction by attention for others. Some people don’t want any attention.

But she is doing for her what helps her to move on.

 

It seems you are stuck in one of the 5 stages of grief, that being denial.

What are you going to do , for you , to move past that stage?

 

That might be distancing yourself by deleting her on social media, deleting her number etc. Finding things to do on certain days when you would otherwise have been meeting her, filling the void by surrounding yourself with friends or taking part in hobbies / interests you didn’t have time for while in a relationship.

 

It’s definitely over between you two.

 

So, best of luck in finding a way for you to move on.

It hurts I know but you can move on faster like she has if you can figure out your way.

[ynk6]

Tbh i don't know what to think anymore - everyone is saying so many diff things about what i should do

[ynk6]

Is this you stating your matter of opinion as fact? Im not really in denial, I've moved past all that; I've been angry, I've accepted it but there's always a small part of me that has hope that she'll realise i made a mistake and we can be together hahah

[ynk6]

I get you haha but why are the odds in my favour are not great? A lot of people state their opinion as fact but what i really don't understand is that, maybe in next week, next month or next year she'll realise what we had, she cannot get w anyone else which in turn starts the reconciliation process. I read some threads before and to be perfectly honest, I've read how guys have cheated on their girl but somehow 9 months later reconciled. So i do feel my chances are v good, i might be an idiot or i might be smart, who knows

[ynk6]

Hi guys, it would AMAZING if i could get some advice, not just you lot telling me "its over" i don't really need to be told that xoxoxo i need advice on what to do next in order to bring her back to me lul

[Tanzi]

Hi guys, it would AMAZING if i could get some advice, not just you lot telling me "its over" i don't really need to be told that xoxoxo i need advice on what to do next in order to bring her back to me lul

 

Sorry to say ..... but you can't BRING anyone back to you or MAKE someone love you ..... they gotta do that all by themselves. To help them, the plan is very simple. You step right away and give them the space and time to realise that they either miss you or that they have made the right the decision.

 

No-one can state the odds on you getting back together. Right now she doesn't want to be with you, whether or not that will change is anyone's guess. Not even your ex knows that answer yet. Only time will tell.

 

What has or happened in other relationships has no bearing on your relationship, this is about HER and how SHE feels. No-one else and no other circumstance has any influence on that. You just gotta ride the wave and see what happens. You said it yourself .... she will either miss you or she won't. However, you stand a much better chance of her missing you if you disappear from her life and she has no idea what you are getting up to, who you might be with etc, etc.

 

So, in answer to your question, your next step is to do... NOTHING! Well, apart from filling your time with other things you enjoy doing to try to take your mind off things.

[Tanzi]

I know the above isn't what you wanted to hear. Believe me, that isn't what I wanted to hear when I first joined eNA .... many, many moons ago ... but that's what I got. Now, of course, I realise that it was the best advice I could have been given because it helped me face reality rather than wasting my time following steps 1-12 on how to get your ex back for God know's how long!

[ynk6]

Blue, i think that's the most helpful advice I've heard in weeks. I haven't really disappered from her life for more than 30 days since we broke up in Feb, i think that's the mistake i made. I didn't listen to the hundreds of posts on ENA saying NC works - for some reason i thought i was special and she would come running back a week later, i guess i was a little cocky tbh lul. She's always hated dating and never really done all the tinder stuff but seems like after we broke up, she's loving the attention she's getting from guys on social media and tinder. All i can do is wait i guess

[Tanzi]

The mistake is that you aren't really giving her a chance to miss you. She knows you are still there. She knows you still want her. That kinda helps her to move on knowing that.

 

Everyone thinks their situation is special and unique - I know I did but, regardless of the events that got us there, the emotions are the same.

 

Yes, you just gotta wait ... but try not to dwell on the situation. Try doing things that help take your mind off things. Go out with friends. Continue on with your life. Doing these things gets easier over time ... and in a few months when you have realised that it doesn't look like she is coming back, you will no longer care ..... and, who knows, the outcome may be different .... just don't put all you eggs in one basket.

[Wiseman2]

hahahahaa lol u r @ her mercy hahaha What's with all the netspeak and symbols?

xoxoxo lul

[ynk6]

I wouldn't say mercy; I've probably slept w over 100 girls in my life but this girl is the one i truly love hahah there's no one else id rather be w, i could be out dating so many girl at this moment but they don't have the same connection i do w her - this netspeak is how everyone talks nowadays looooool

[ynk6]

Yeahhhh i get you and agree completely - she knows im there no matter what.

 

Of course, I've seen a lot of stories on ENA over the past few weeks and people seem to get back together even after abuse, cheating etc so I wouldn't really count myself as downed and out but the common factor in those stories is that they all done NC for at least a month or two, gave their ex time to miss them and worked on themselves.

 

Its hard during lockdown, i can't bring myself to talk to other girls tbh, I just been enjoying time w mates and doing a lot of cardio/gym. I guess she'll only start caring when i don't

[Wiseman2]

haha lol haha. Have you read these especially item #6? : https://www.enotalone.com/forum/forum-rules.php

 

- this netspeak is how everyone talks nowadays looooool

[ynk6]

hahah oops, luckily its not really netspeak abbreviation - its more of an expression

[ynk6]

Blue, you mentioned earlier how she may feel that things may never go back to the way they were which is causing her to distance herself from me; she did mention that at one point, I know feelings change like the weather and she might change her mind about that in the future but

 

what does that mean? things can't back to the way they were; is it her just feeling like there's a certain awkwardness now, after everything that happened w her dad and sister?

[Tanzi]

the common factor in those stories is that they all done NC for at least a month or two, gave their ex time to miss them and worked on themselves.

 

Yes, it's the best thing for whatever outcome.

 

i can't bring myself to talk to other girls tbh, I just been enjoying time w mates and doing a lot of cardio/gym.

 

That's a good thing. Take some time out and just make it about YOU.

[ynk6]

You're honestly a god send, your advice isn't the basic but its genuinely helpful and makes me hopeful that no matter what happens, i'll be fine

 

I do think a majority of her negative feelings have passed over time, its been 4/5 months and she doesn't hate me anymore which a bonus and i guess it's only up from here

[ynk6]

Its nice getting this off my chest haha - it does hurt knowing that she was ready to go for drinks so soon after breaking up, literally weeks after breaking up and crying, she was ready to go on a date w some guy; does cause a lot of questions