Anxiety Help - Journal

[Batya33]

You know I'm glad people were open about how they are feeling on your company's facebook pages. That must have felt really validating!

[boltnrun]

You know I'm glad people were open about how they are feeling on your company's facebook pages. That must have felt really validating!

 

It's not actually the company's page, it's one that employees have set up. I am glad these pages exist because people feel more free to express themselves.

 

The company actually disciplines people if they post something they say is against policy even if it's on their own personal social media page. Of course, nothing confidential is allowed and we can't post photos that show processes or equipment. But these other pages are where people kind of let loose.

 

A lot of responses told this man to basically "suck it up" but really, if it was that easy I (and many others) would be at work like usual.

 

I was actually super productive today! I cleaned and cleaned! The Ativan is allowing me to be calm enough to get through my chores. I've even cooked! I haven't felt like cooking for weeks. All that's left is vacuuming and a few more dishes. And tomorrow I will be spraying my mattress, boxspring, carpet and couch to try to get rid of the bed bugs. It's a natural-based bug killer so it will be safe for my kitty. Here's hoping it will at least kill most of them.

[Batya33]

It's not actually the company's page, it's one that employees have set up. I am glad these pages exist because people feel more free to express themselves.

 

The company actually disciplines people if they post something they say is against policy even if it's on their own personal social media page. Of course, nothing confidential is allowed and we can't post photos that show processes or equipment. But these other pages are where people kind of let loose.

 

A lot of responses told this man to basically "suck it up" but really, if it was that easy I (and many others) would be at work like usual.

 

I was actually super productive today! I cleaned and cleaned! The Ativan is allowing me to be calm enough to get through my chores. I've even cooked! I haven't felt like cooking for weeks. All that's left is vacuuming and a few more dishes. And tomorrow I will be spraying my mattress, boxspring, carpet and couch to try to get rid of the bed bugs. It's a natural-based bug killer so it will be safe for my kitty. Here's hoping it will at least kill most of them.

 

I meant to write that -I understood it wasn't the actual page. Sorry!!

So glad you had a productive day -that must feel back to a semblance of normal (all relative right now I know!)

[boltnrun]

Thanks!

 

I keep hoping, hoping that somehow we can all pull together and do what we need to do to get this pandemic under control.

 

I saw a few minutes of a You Tube video filmed at my former city (a very, very popular tourist destination). People were absolutely crammed onto the sidewalk, many without masks, zero social distancing. And people brought their kids! I am so glad I moved away from there. The poor people who have to work serving all these tourists are at such risk every time they go to work. I sincerely hope things don't continue on the really bad trend they are currently on. Of course I stopped watching the video because I didn't want to upset myself.

 

Here's hoping things can get better...

[Seraphim]

I am glad you felt a bit better today!!

[boltnrun]

Thank you!

 

It's funny, but I think the Ativan is helping. I'm not in a constant state of "fight or flight" like I've been for the past few months. That was exhausting and discouraging. I really hope the antidepressant turns out to help and I don't have the same reaction I had to the other one.

 

I'm thinking I might ask my cousin if she and her husband and son would be interested in doing a house/apartment share with me. She has medical conditions and therefore is being very, very careful. More so than I feel my brother is. He isn't thoughtless or clueless but he seems to be quite a bit less stringent than I am regarding safety precautions. I will think about it for a few days and then maybe ask her. And I'll make it very clear that they should feel free to say "no" if they are not comfortable with the idea. I do know they struggle financially and splitting the rent with me could possibly make things a bit easier for them. And I love them, very much.

[boltnrun]

So because we all don't have enough to deal with, today was Bedbug Abatement day!

 

I stripped down the bed, took it completely off its frame, vacuumed the carpet under the bed, then sprayed the baseboards, around the windows and the mini blinds (gosh, I hate mini blinds...I always have. They look cheap and never hang evenly.). Then I sprayed the bed frame and turned it around because when I'd placed it before (the movers did not set up the bed even though they promised they would) I put the head side down by my feet. Then I sprayed the box spring on all sides and put it down (the right way around because, you guessed it, I'd placed the feet side where the head side should have gone). Then I sprayed the underside and seams of the mattress. I then let it all dry. Then I put a brand new zip up mattress cover on the mattress (instructions said two people were needed, but yay, I did it all by myself! Besides, I didn't have a second person.) and put the mattress down on the box spring (surprisingly, I had not placed the mattress the wrong side around!). I will next put a freshly washed sheet set on the mattress along with a freshly washed pillowcase. Unfortunately I do not have a freshly washed bedspread but I checked and checked and saw no signs of bugs anywhere on the blanket. I didn't see any on the sheets either but since I had clean sheets I figured I'd put them on.

 

I am going to be very discouraged if I wake up tomorrow morning with new bed bug bites. However, I do realize I will probably have to do this every couple of weeks in case some of the little effers survived the killing spree.

 

The only sign I saw of bed bugs (besides the bites all over me) was one dead bug and one shedded skin of a bed bug. It worries me because that means their nest is very well hidden. Hopefully all the spraying killed them.

 

And yes, I did use a pet-friendly spray. It's safe for humans and pets. It's essential oil based (thyme). I still made my cat stay out of the room even though she was standing outside the room whining to be let in.

 

Fingers crossed...I really feel like I don't need more things to deal with but the universe decided I needed bed bugs. I never have had them before but apparently it's enough of a common issue that there's even a full page discussing bed bugs in my lease!

 

Wish me luck that the bed bugs are all dead dead dead!

[Seraphim]

I really hope you got rid of those critters!!!

[boltnrun]

I really hope you got rid of those critters!!!

 

Thanks!

 

I realize bed bug bites are not at all dangerous. The worst thing that can happen is you scratch the bites and they get infected. Easily solved with alcohol or hydrogen peroxide, soap and water. But it's discouraging! I'm trying to get better and this is just one more thing to deal with.

 

I had strange dreams last night. One was about my ex (terrible person). Luckily dreams about him annoy me more than upset me. Then another one where I was walking around outside topless (strange for a number of reasons). Then while walking I ran into some neighbors (no idea who these people were, I never saw them in real life). So I tried to cover myself with my hands and for some reason they came into my house and one used the restroom, one took a shower and one started watching my TV. I guess I put a top on at some point. Maybe it's the Ativan causing the dreams, although I didn't take any yesterday. Weird!

[boltnrun]

Woke up to a new bed bug bite on my shoulder :/

 

I do know it's going to take more than one treatment to make them all go away. So I will repeat next weekend.

 

So, this might not seem like much but for me it was a major accomplishment...

I have been afraid of heights, specifically bridges, for decades. I would drive miles out of my way to avoid driving over a bridge. I had nightmares about them.

Well, this morning I woke up just sick and tired of this whole anxious life thing. I saw a video yesterday of a town I used to spend a lot of time in. It's right on the beach and absolutely beautiful. And I got angry that I was not allowing myself to enjoy this place that is only 30 minutes away. So, woke up sick and tired of being scared. I got dressed, took my dirty laundry down to my car, got my medication delivery out of the mailbox, then got my shoes and my "kit" (gloves, masks, wipes, paper towels, disinfecting spray), got into my car and off I went. First stop was the UPS store because I had to ship a package. Two clerks in the store, one other customer, front and back doors were standing open creating a nice cross breeze and the clerk that helped me was behind plexiglass. So I didn't feel like I'd been exposed to anyone, really. Then I got into my car and headed northwest. I had two options; drive WAY out of my way to get to the beach hiking trail I wanted to see, or drive over the gosh darned scary bridge. So...I drove over the bridge! I did it! You all have no idea how big this is. I never, ever could drive over a bridge and I did it! Two bridges actually! It was so great! I went to the hiking trail and walked for about 30 minutes, took some photos, then headed back. Drove over the two bridges again.

 

I know, this probably seems lame but for me it was huge.

 

I really wanted to buy some takeout from my favorite hometown Italian restaurant but I decided to save that for another day. Overcoming one phobia was enough for today.

[Seraphim]

You are doing so so awesome! Love it! We have two bridges here in town and to get to the other side of town you must use the bridge. My son hates bridges I’m not too fond but I will do it.

 

Which SSRI did they give you this time?

[boltnrun]

Thank you!

 

I know there are those who are vehemently opposed to tranquilizers (benzos) but I am miles ahead of where I have been for the past month. And no, I did not take the Ativan today. I knew I would be driving and I will not put others at risk by taking a tranquilizer on a day I plan to drive. And when I take it I do not drive.

 

The SSRI the doctor prescribed is Trazedone (generic for Desyrel) 50 mg. A kind of big white tablet. The psychiatrist said it's a low dose. I just received the delivery today so I will start it tonight. It says to take it at bedtime and with food which will be interesting since I never eat right before bed. My digestive medical conditions tend to be aggravated if I eat and then go right to sleep, but I guess I'll just have to eat something small.

 

I'm going to ask my cousin to check in on me over the next week or so. If I have another bad reaction I want someone to know. A few people have promised to check in on me but none of them except one has followed through, but I understand people have their own lives. But I will ask my cousin because I need someone to make sure I'm OK.

[Seraphim]

Hopefully, this one works better for you. I know people everywhere despise benzodiazepines but it works great for me. Give it a try though because different things work for different people . I know for me my doctor said my liver just can’t process them.

[Seraphim]

How did the first try of medication go?

[boltnrun]

How did the first try of medication go?

 

I took the first dose about 12 hours ago. I'm just feeling a bit groggy. The first med took about 3 days for the bad side effects to start. I'm hoping it doesn't happen again. I can handle a bit of insomnia and some grogginess, but the suicidal thoughts and huge increase in anxiety and depression can't be tolerated.

 

I really hope it goes well. I had such a good past 3 days and I would hate to take steps backward.

 

Good news today, my disability pay FINALLY got approved. So I should be seeing some pay in a week or so.

 

Thank you for checking in on me :)

[Seraphim]

I took the first dose about 12 hours ago. I'm just feeling a bit groggy. The first med took about 3 days for the bad side effects to start. I'm hoping it doesn't happen again. I can handle a bit of insomnia and some grogginess, but the suicidal thoughts and huge increase in anxiety and depression can't be tolerated.

 

I really hope it goes well. I had such a good past 3 days and I would hate to take steps backward.

 

Good news today, my disability pay FINALLY got approved. So I should be seeing some pay in a week or so.

 

Thank you for checking in on me :)

 

You have been doing well I hope this one works.

[boltnrun]

Today I went grocery shopping. This grocery chain used to be great at social distancing, one way aisles, limiting capacity and checkout lane control but all that was discontinued about two months ago. So now it's a free for all. Masks are required but that's a state mandate not a store mandate. And the store is large which helps to stay away from others. But it's a self-bagging store which I prefer, except they had all the open checkout lanes right next to each other instead of having every other lane open. So I was about 2 feet from the customer behind me and about 3 feet from the customers on the same lane. So I sent the store a message asking them to consider opening every other lane. They responded they would look into it but I won't count on it.

 

So far this medication has caused some grogginess, a bit of dizziness and nausea for a couple of hours after I take it, and it takes some time for me to fall asleep and I haven't been able to poop . But so far no bad thoughts. I hope it stays that way.

 

I really want to go to this wonderful Italian restaurant I've been going to since I was a small child to get takeout. I think I'll ask my son and his spouse if they would want to all go together. I know the owners and they are great people. And hopefully they are all healthy. I overcame one phobia this week so it would be nice to be able to get some takeout once in a while without freaking out about whether or not it's safe.

[boltnrun]

I'm applying for jobs. My psychologist and I have pretty much determined that returning to my current job just isn't the right thing for me. The job requires me to literally be in an enclosed space with a couple hundred people who are bunched together. For someone who has a fear of being around groups of people that would be equivalent to someone who's afraid of the ocean being dropped off in the middle of the Atlantic and told to swim to shore. I feel like I could handle being in a small to medium office environment where everyone has their work space (preferably not a bunch of cubicles smashed together in a room!). I'll lose my excellent benefits but hopefully I can find a job where there are decent benefits.

 

So far the side effects of the new med haven't been bad at all. Fingers crossed it stays this way and doesn't get worse.

[Batya33]

I hope you get the italian food!!! I love eggplant parm. My favorite place to get it is right near where my husband grew up and where we had our wedding lunch. But in my state now they're mostly clueless about how to make it properly - and really strange -I was getting it from Whole Foods and discovered there's something in their preparation that actually makes me ill. Sigh. Also love good pizza and veal parm and and and....

 

I'm so glad you will look for another job. I'm not overly anxious and I wouldn't work in that environment either.

[boltnrun]

I've been going to this restaurant since I was 4 years old (and trust me, that is a LONG time!). When I moved out of state that was one of the places I really missed. Their food is excellent; East coast style Italian, totally old school. I love pretty much everything they make. They have this amazing dish where it's eggplant parmigiana ON TOP of veal parmigiana. So delicious! And since it's located in a seaside town they also have excellent seafood dishes. Going there is hard because I want to order everything!

 

I've just had this mental block that prevents me from feeling safe ordering takeout. So many places here advertise they are reopened, yay! And then a couple of weeks later they are sadly notifying they have to re-close because a few of their employees tested positive for the virus. Temperature checks are all well and good but they do nothing to detect those who are asymptomatic or pre-symptomatic. And the whole routine of getting the food, taking it out of the bag and disposing of it, then transferring the food to another container or a plate and then disposing of the original container, then scrubbing my hands, all having to be done before I can even eat. It seems like way too much hassle. I want to trust this restaurant because I know the owners personally but the virus doesn't care if you know the owners.

 

My current company is under investigation in several states due to so many infections and complaints filed by the workers. I know for a fact (because I saw it with my own eyes) that they are only paying "lip service" to safety protocols and they are only pretending to enforce them. The work that is required cannot possibly allow for social distancing and safety protocols and they know it. They are at about 2000 employees with the virus and about 10 deaths. Not good.

[Batya33]

Oh! Please stop!!! I haven't had that veal eggplant combo in years. So awesome.

 

Also do you like rigatoni siciliana -baked rigatoni with eggplant.

 

The restaurants I do take out from so far have stayed open..... fingers crossed. In one case one of the workers coughed on my food and on the trays of veggies back on March 1. I remember because I went there after we took our last plane flight. I freaked out. Walked out and didn't pay -after offering to have him remake it -the non-cougher -but no. Then the place did seem to close for awhile but could have been lack of business since it's near office buildings that are closed.

[boltnrun]

I wonder if it's possible to "un-family" someone...

[Batya33]

I wonder if it's possible to "un-family" someone...

 

Love it!!! The term I mean. I've wanted to at times for sure. I'm sorry if family is stressing you.

[boltnrun]

Love it!!! The term I mean. I've wanted to at times for sure. I'm sorry if family is stressing you.

 

Fortunately they are not stressing me, but some of the things they post on social media are just nonsense IMO. I don't go on their profiles but their posts show up on my news feed. One of my cousins posted about how he's really sick of people complaining about being subjected to racism and racial discrimination and he wants them to shut up and quit whining. The problem I have with that is we are Hispanic (he is half Mexican-American) and his beautiful mother was herself subjected to racism and discriminatory actions and prejudices. I know because she talked about it. She's not living any longer. She was a wonderful lady. I just don't understand how my cousin could make a statement like that knowing his own family has been subjected to racial discrimination. So I unfollowed him. I'm not going to unfriend family members because despite the things some of them are posting I love them so I just unfollow them.

 

In other news, my psychologist explained this new medication I am on is an SSRI but has a different formulation, so that is most likely why I haven't had the horrible side effects I had with the other med. I am very grateful for that because that was awful.

[Batya33]

I'm so sorry about those posts!! Sounds so frustrating. And of course I'm delighted about the meds working better!