Anxiety Help - Journal

[boltnrun]

The Celexa caused very frightening suicidal thoughts, panic attacks, uncontrolled crying, and heightened anxiety. I could not continue to feel that way. When you're actually planning the details of your suicide it's time to stop the med. And I live alone so I have no one to lean on, plus I have to do my own groceryshopping and have to go to the laundromat. And delivery doesn't work when the first available time is a week away.

 

I too hope some other type of med will help without those scary side effects.

[reinventmyself]

The Celexa caused very frightening suicidal thoughts, panic attacks, uncontrolled crying, and heightened anxiety. I could not continue to feel that way. When you're actually planning the details of your suicide it's time to stop the med.

 

I too hope some other type of med will help without those scary side effects.

 

oh gosh Hon. . I am sorry.

[boltnrun]

oh gosh Hon. . I am sorry.

 

Thank you.

[Batya33]

The Celexa caused very frightening suicidal thoughts, panic attacks, uncontrolled crying, and heightened anxiety. I could not continue to feel that way. When you're actually planning the details of your suicide it's time to stop the med. And I live alone so I have no one to lean on, plus I have to do my own groceryshopping and have to go to the laundromat. And delivery doesn't work when the first available time is a week away.

 

I too hope some other type of med will help without those scary side effects.

 

I hope so too and I'm so sorry to hear this!

[boltnrun]

Long story short, regular doctor is putting me on Ativan on an as-needed basis and has referred me to a psychiatrist so I can be evaluated and placed on a more appropriate anti-depressant. We shall see.

 

Now that the horrible medication is out of my system I was able to grocery shop yesterday and I went for a walk this morning. Tomorrow is laundromat day.

[Seraphim]

Make it very clear your reaction to that SSRI. My body like my dad’s has very complex reactions to medications. My liver cannot process SSRIs and it becomes toxic to me.

[Batya33]

Long story short, regular doctor is putting me on Ativan on an as-needed basis and has referred me to a psychiatrist so I can be evaluated and placed on a more appropriate anti-depressant. We shall see.

 

Now that the horrible medication is out of my system I was able to grocery shop yesterday and I went for a walk this morning. Tomorrow is laundromat day.

 

I am so so glad and relieved you are feeling better and more yourself!!

[boltnrun]

When am I going to learn to stop trying to do things on Fridays?

 

Laundromat, some guy there kept grinning at me even though I look like hammered crap since I don't shower or fix my hair before going. Then I dropped my spray bottle of disinfectant on the floor so I had to throw it away. I broke the paper towel dispenser (although in my defense it's been broken several times before). Then when I got back to pick up my clothes that same guy had moved my laundry basket over so he could put his folded clothes on the same table even though the entire other half of the table was available and there were other unused tables. Just stood there grinning at me like he expected me to be happy he put his hands on my belongings. I just grabbed it, got my clothes and ran out of there.

 

Now the pharmacy...I had to go inside. They wanted to see my ID because it's a controlled substance. She wants me to hand it to her. I refuse and just held it up to the plastic. She tries to scan it but in this state if you don't have an ID or license issued by this state it won't scan. So she asked me to hand it to her and again I refused, so she typed in the number. Then she asked for my phone number TWICE because apparently she typed it in wrong. Then their stupid credit card reader asked me like five questions before it would accept my payment, then it errored out so I had to do it all over again. I told them their system sucked and left.

 

THEN, once I got home, folded my laundry and got into the shower, I was using the razor and reached behind me to rinse it off and sliced open my right thigh. Bleeding all over the place. I currently have four bandaids on it.

 

I just feel like giving up. I can't seem to do anything right today. And then I remembered the past 4 Fridays were crap shows too. I didn't plan to do chores today but because of the bad reaction to that stupid medication my errands got pushed back two days. Wednesday was supposed to be laundry day but I had to grocery shop that day.

 

I need to set an alert or something for each Friday reminding myself to just stay in bed or something because everything I try to do will go wrong.

 

My birthday is tomorrow. Supposed to go for a walk with my son and his spouse but they haven't confirmed yet. Certainly don't feel like celebrating.

 

I'm just really tired. Tired of being afraid. Tired of trying so hard to protect myself and having so many things go wrong. Tired of feeling like I'm the only one who's afraid. Tired of being envious of all the people who are just going about their lives normally while I cower inside my apartment, scared of everything. Tired of having nothing to look forward to. Tired of disappointing all the people who want me to start hobbies or get interested in something because I have no interest in anything. And especially sad for all the people who are suffering either from the virus or from having loved ones who are sick and sad for those people who are feeling the way I do or worse, because I know I'm not the only one who's fearful, anxious and depressed.

 

I honestly thought this virus would be well under control by now. Or at least there would be improvements in treatment and fewer people would be getting sick. I never thought back in March that it would be late July and everything would be so much worse. It's so unbelievable that people are prioritizing politics over health and safety and that so many people care so little for the well being of their neighbors. We've put way too much importance on individual "freedom" at the expense of caring about one another. Too many people just do not care about others.

 

I'm not completely hopeless because I see a lot of good too. I see a lot of people helping others and I think that's great. It's uplifting. I see a lot of wonderful young people. I have to believe there are more of them than there are of the selfish ones.

 

Sorry for the rant...

[Seraphim]

Well,I think there comes a time when extreme individualism is ..... ( fill in the blank)

[boltnrun]

Well,I think there comes a time when extreme individualism is ..... ( fill in the blank)

 

Deadly? BS? Infantile?

 

It's amazing how many full grown adults are throwing tantrums worthy of 3 year olds when being asked to wear a mask.

 

I wonder if in Canada people are pulling out guns or physically attacking store employees when they are asked to comply with the mask mandate. Because they are here!

 

I wonder what happened to the United States that pulled together after 9/11, the Boston Marathon bombing and the Route 91 massacre. I'm proud of THAT United States. The current one? Not so much.

[Seraphim]

Deadly? BS? Infantile?

 

It's amazing how many full grown adults are throwing tantrums worthy of 3 year olds when being asked to wear a mask.

 

I wonder if in Canada people are pulling out guns or physically attacking store employees when they are asked to comply with the mask mandate. Because they are here!

 

I wonder what happened to the United States that pulled together after 9/11, the Boston Marathon bombing and the Route 91 massacre. I'm proud of THAT United States. The current one? Not so much.

 

Unfortunately; in my province one man was shot dead by police when he drew a gun on police for refusing to wear a mask. A woman one town over from me was arrested for spitting on product a few days ago. But not very common though. My son got into it at the grocery store with two people over his shield. Some woman verbally attacked him for just wearing a shield. And our law states “face covering “ not specifically face mask. As long as it covers your nose your mouth and your chin. Which his shield does. So basically he told her ,”look lady I can’t hear you through that mask maybe you should take it off” all while holding a hand to his ear being a smart ass. 🤣 and then he defended the poor grocery store clerk who was getting an earful from somebody else. He told the person and knock it off and leave her alone. And then the guy sized up my son thought he was too big and didn’t bother.

 

So there are isolated incidences but I would so much less. I would say a lot of us trust our government more and just do what we are told.

[boltnrun]

Amazon delivered my packages to the wrong place. I have very, very clear instructions which the delivery drivers flat out refuse to follow with the exception of a very few. I almost always have to go running around the outside of my building looking for where they decided to toss my delivery today.

 

They are sending me an additional order to compensate me for my inconvenience.

 

People, it's not that hard! My building has FOUR apartments, find the right one!

[boltnrun]

I saw a good quote today on some graffiti:

"I'm not interested in competing with anyone. I hope we all make it."

 

Got cranky with a former coworker. She keeps messaging me asking about a supply order. I left that location 4 months ago and explained to her that I don't have access to any of their supply orders. So she asked me again today. I got very short with her, which isn't nice but when I already answered something I don't expect to be asked the same question again. She needs to ask the person who replaced me!

 

I feel like that cranky old lady on the greeting cards...that is totally me today.

[boltnrun]

My birthday today. My son, his spouse and my big brother are all meeting me downstairs for a socially distant, masked walk. My psychologist feels my isolation is impacting my anxiety exponentially. I have no one I interact with in person at all. That's not good. I am alone inside my own head and that doesn't help me get into a better head space.

 

I'm hoping to be able to move in with my brother in about a month, once he gets his personal situation figured out and settled. If I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel a month away I feel that will give me something to look forward to.

 

Also have some other changes in mind. More on that later.

[Batya33]

Happy Birthday! Mine is next month!

[Seraphim]

Happy Birthday !!!!

[dias]

Happy birthday :) Have fun :)

[boltnrun]

Thank you!

 

So we talked about a lot of things. First, my son and his spouse have offered to let me do my laundry at their home. So that is a big relief. Another thing is, I will be moving in with my brother and his son but he wants me to wait two months. That's longer than I was hoping for but at least I have that ahead of me.

 

However, of course they are not nearly as paranoid about getting infected as I am. My brother sat down on the outside stairs to remove his shoes and then sat on my fabric couch. I yelled (it sort of slipped out) and he said he needed to sit to remove his shoes. Then he set down his water bottle and walking bag onto the ground outside and set them down on my furniture once we were inside. When they were leaving he put his shoes on outside but then stepped back into the living room onto the carpet with his shoes on. He also repeatedly set his (used) mask down on my couch.

 

Sigh...I know these are all low risk things but they are things I absolutely never do. It's going to be a big adjustment moving into his house because I will have to get used to people who are not nearly as fanatical as I am. I will just have to learn to live with the way they do things if I am going to live there.

 

I sprayed my couch with Lysol spray and disinfected my bathroom (which they both used), so I'm waiting for the spray to dry before I sit back down.

 

We sat 6 feet apart and I kept my mask on although my brother and nephew removed theirs. I had windows open and a fan blowing toward them. They are both mostly working from home (my brother goes in about one day a week for a few hours) so they are not super high risk, but I thought it would be best to be safer since technically I broke the rules. We aren't supposed to have anyone over who does not reside in our own household.

 

We went for about an hour and a half walk. It was nice to be outside and to see family members even if I couldn't hug them. Nice birthday gift.

[Seraphim]

Just try and remember there is not one case of transference from a surface .

[boltnrun]

Just try and remember there is not one case of transference from a surface .

 

You are 100% right. Believe it or not, I had less of a meltdown than I would have had in the past. I apologized to my brother and nephew for getting upset with them.

 

My hope is with the therapy and medication I will stop being so obsessively fanatical about things like that and be less tiring to be around.

 

I am not moving in with them for 2 months, so I will take those 2 months as an opportunity to get better.

 

My son and his spouse actually invited me to move in with them. I declined because with the way I am now I fear I would destroy my relationship with them. Plus, their condo is pretty small and it would be difficult for them to have any private time with me there. My brother has 5 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms and two living areas so I could give them as much personal space as they need while having my own personal space. And I can help by cleaning and doing chores. AND, they have a backyard so I could garden!

[boltnrun]

I'm still a little bit mad at my brother for sitting on the stairs outside and then sitting down on my couch. Grrr. I'm trying to keep my home as my safe sanctuary and in just a few seconds he messed that up for me. He didn't mean to. And I know it's illogical, but knowing something is illogical doesn't mean it just goes away. I'm just sharing my thoughts here.

 

It is SUCH a relief knowing I don't have to go to the laundromat anymore. I probably will still need to go twice a month to wash sheets and blankets since the kids have small stackable machines but that's not nearly as bad as the one to two times a week I've been going.

 

My cousin and my friend have committed to checking in with me every couple of days. I think my friends and family didn't realize the extent of my anxiety and resulting depression, I think they just thought I was feeling a bit down. Now that they realize they have offered to step up and help. It's super nice of them to do that for me.

[Seraphim]

Did they get you your medication yet?

[boltnrun]

Did they get you your medication yet?

 

I just have the Lorazepam. Very low dose. 0.5 mg.

 

I will be calling the psychiatrist tomorrow to see about setting up an appointment with him.

[Seraphim]

I just have the Lorazepam. Very low dose. 0.5 mg.

 

I will be calling the psychiatrist tomorrow to see about setting up an appointment with him.

 

Do they want you to take as needed or daily ?

[boltnrun]

The instructions say both daily and as needed...I am taking it as needed.