Anxiety Help - Journal

[Batya33]

Thank you ladies.

 

I am trying very hard to be rational. But I keep coming back to "I FORGOT TO PULL UP MY MASK!!!"

 

I've tried many times before to do something nice for people and every single time something goes wrong. Why does there have to be an issue every time?? I feel like the universe wants me to lose my mind or something. Earlier today an entire glass full of water with red flavor enhancer in it just dropped onto my carpet. I hadn't even touched it or anything, it just fell onto the floor all on its own. I don't know what the H is going on here.

 

I have those days and situations as well. I get it and that tape going through your head about the mask - I know, it's so easy to go with that negative tape on repeat. I've felt awkward the last few months all the times I did not hold the door for someone to avoid getting too close and I say sorry when I can but I do put myself first and I don't want to be that close to another person or close to their pets, etc. given Covid.

[boltnrun]

I have those days and situations as well. I get it and that tape going through your head about the mask - I know, it's so easy to go with that negative tape on repeat. I've felt awkward the last few months all the times I did not hold the door for someone to avoid getting too close and I say sorry when I can but I do put myself first and I don't want to be that close to another person or close to their pets, etc. given Covid.

 

I'm getting a bit better.

 

I heard it's a "6-6" rule...less than 6 feet for 6 minutes. But no way was I there for 6 minutes and I was not less than 6 feet from them. Or I might have been less than 6 feet but not for more than a minute.

 

I cooked myself an early dinner and was able to eat. I must eat. I've lost 20 pounds, none of my clothes fit and I look skeletal. So I am trying to force as much food as possible down my throat.

 

As for holding a door for someone, I don't go anywhere so that hasn't been an issue! I don't get takeout food, the grocery store has automatic doors and the laundromat employees keep the doors standing open. But if I had to open a door I would be "rude" also! Sorry, not going to take a chance.

[boltnrun]

I got back this morning from my visit with my brother and his kids (with cat in tow). It was really nice to see them and to be around actual 3D people (other than my son, who I see weekly).

 

My brother is much less relaxed about things than I am, but he is being safe. He wears his mask and doesn't go to amusement places and isn't gallivanting around getting tattoos or going to in person sporting events. He does his shopping and errands and picks up takeout and goes into the office twice a week. My nephew is attending remote college. My niece has a fast food job so I guess she is at the most risk. I only got to see her for a couple of hours, though.

 

I think it was good for me to be around people who don't have the obsessive fanatical routines I have been imposing on myself. They don't wipe their groceries, they don't wipe takeout containers, they wear their shoes about 10 feet into the house instead of leaving them outside, they don't disinfect surfaces like doorknobs and light switches and countertops. I had to go along with it because I couldn't insist they follow my strict protocols. Some things were a bit outside my comfort zone but I had no choice, I just had to deal with it. I washed my hands often and didn't step barefoot onto the floor where they'd walked in from outside. And I ate the pizza my brother picked up from the local pizza place.

 

I'll be moving in there at the end of this month. I think it will do me a lot of good.

 

It was a nice visit. Kind of hated to come home.

[Batya33]

I'm really glad you found you could handle that situation so well!!

[Seraphim]

I think it will be a good step having people in your everyday life.

[boltnrun]

I love my brother dearly, but he always gives me the most useless gifts for my birthday and for Christmas. This year for my birthday he gave me a lava lamp. Yep, a lava lamp. Totally useless gift. So to be polite I set it up. Now that I'm going to be moving I am packing up my stuff. So I picked up the stupid lava lamp to put it back in its box. It fell apart and the bag the liquid was in also broke open, spilling the blue liquid all over my living room, my hallway and my kitchen. It even splattered onto my cat's food and water dishes. I just spent 45 minutes cleaning the carpet, the floors and replacing my cat's food and water. The liquid will not completely wash out of the carpet and my sink is still blue because it won't come off.

 

I got the stupid lava lamp and put it in the trash pile. I am absolutely furious right now. Why does he insist on giving me gifts that have no practical use?

 

I love him dearly, but I think I will ask him to stop buying me gifts. All they do is end up stuck in a drawer somewhere or in the trash.

 

Grrr....it's Friday!

[SherrySher]

He probably doesn't know what to buy and so he buys something on the spur of the moment.

 

Maybe request gift cards?

[Batya33]

I never like those kind of kitschy gifts or gifts that are just gift-ey if that makes sense. Sorry about the mess!!

[boltnrun]

I always prefer practical gifts. I would never get mad if someone bought me a toaster or an iron. I can use those things!

 

I give my kids a list of reasonably priced things I would like. I usually do that for my brother too (last Christmas I requested and received a blender). But since we haven't exchanged birthday gifts in several years I wasn't expecting one this year. And when left to his own devices he chooses useless items like the lava lamp, probably as Sherry said because he doesn't know what to get. The gift he got me the Christmas before is sitting in a drawer because I have no use for it.

 

I know he had good intentions. But that was an epic fail. I hope that liquid isn't a skin irritant because I got it all over my hands and feet. Yes, my feet, because it literally flew everywhere, like a blue arterial spray.

[SherrySher]

I'm just picturing what my brother got me in the past and yep, same kind of thing, stuff I wouldn't use.

 

Ugh, the mess sounds awful. :(

[Jibralta]

like a blue arterial spray.

 

lol.......

[boltnrun]

I have an interview scheduled (maybe?) for Monday morning.

 

The staffing recruiter asked me yesterday morning if I was available to interview for a long term (4-6 months) temp job that pays fairly well. I said yes. She said she would email me the interview details. Then I get an email from her saying she needs a reference from my former boss. Nothing about the interview. So I contact him and he gives her the reference. Still nothing about the interview. So I email her at 4:00 PM asking if the interview is on. She says yes, but the client is deciding if they want it to be a phone interview or over Microsoft Teams. So I say, I will download the app onto my phone to be ready just in case. She emails me the name of the company but nothing else. So I am going to just be up and ready just in case. But strange that I got no confirmation. And I know my former manager gave me a good reference so it's not that. Hm...

 

The company is very close to where I live now (20 minutes) but VERY far from my brother's house (one hour, 40 minutes one way) but I can make the commute work for good pay. I'm planning a house share with my cousins so if we do that the first week of December I'd only have the long commute for two months. I actually stopped applying for jobs because I wanted to wait until after I moved but this might be a good opportunity so I would like to at least do the interview and see if they like me. And the company's website looks good, plus it's very similar to an industry I used to work in so I think I would be a good fit. We'll see if the interview actually happens.

[Batya33]

I hope it works out!

[boltnrun]

I had resolved to at least get out of my apartment every day even if it's just to go for a short walk or for a drive. And now with the fires we are (again) advised to remain inside. The ash and smoke can do lung damage which in addition to being dangerous all on its own, can make us more vulnerable to Covid.

 

The planet does not want us going back outside! They say the pollution levels that had improved during the shut down are already back to pre-shut down levels. We poison this planet daily and then wonder why it bites back.

 

I am a huge sports fan so I am enjoying watching baseball, football, racing and hockey on TV. My brother does not subscribe to cable TV service so I will sign up for a sports streaming service so I can continue to watch. At least it makes having to continue to stay inside a bit more bearable.

 

Packing up my apartment! Maybe 25% done.

[Rose Mosse]

Rooting for you and hearing back on an interview for this company. I agree with you. I too haven't been walking outside as much but I'm working out at home and indoors. Packing (or unpacking) is good exercise too!

[Batya33]

Rooting for you and hearing back on an interview for this company. I agree with you. I too haven't been walking outside as much but I'm working out at home and indoors. Packing (or unpacking) is good exercise too!

 

Agree with all! Good luck!!

[boltnrun]

Thank you!

 

At least the temperature outside has become bearable. If it was like last week (102, 100, 97 degrees) having to keep all the windows closed would be unbearable. But the hottest day forecasted is Wednesday at 83 degrees. It's actually been a bit cold in the morning which is great. I had packed away my warm pajamas but I had to unpack a pajama top because the tank top I'd been wearing wasn't warm enough. And I can cook now without making my apartment hot and uncomfortable.

 

Mental note; do NOT overbuy groceries! I tend to do that and then end up with too much food. I'm only here for 12 more days so it doesn't make sense to stuff my cupboards and freezer and fridge.

[Batya33]

Thank you!

 

At least the temperature outside has become bearable. If it was like last week (102, 100, 97 degrees) having to keep all the windows closed would be unbearable. But the hottest day forecasted is Wednesday at 83 degrees. It's actually been a bit cold in the morning which is great. I had packed away my warm pajamas but I had to unpack a pajama top because the tank top I'd been wearing wasn't warm enough. And I can cook now without making my apartment hot and uncomfortable.

 

Mental note; do NOT overbuy groceries! I tend to do that and then end up with too much food. I'm only here for 12 more days so it doesn't make sense to stuff my cupboards and freezer and fridge.

 

I overbuy when I don't take the time to check what we already have!

[boltnrun]

I overbuy when I don't take the time to check what we already have!

 

And I overbuy even when I have a list (which I do have every time). I think, oh, I should get this and that and I might need some of that. Then I get home and think, when am I going to eat all of this? Plus, I buy too much of one thing so stuff sits in my freezer for months while I buy and eat other stuff. I'm trying to force myself to eat what's already in my cupboards and freezer because I have enough to feed myself.

 

My list started with 5 items. It's up to 20 items now...

[Batya33]

And I overbuy even when I have a list (which I do have every time). I think, oh, I should get this and that and I might need some of that. Then I get home and think, when am I going to eat all of this? Plus, I buy too much of one thing so stuff sits in my freezer for months while I buy and eat other stuff. I'm trying to force myself to eat what's already in my cupboards and freezer because I have enough to feed myself.

 

My list started with 5 items. It's up to 20 items now...

 

LOL yes -so like for example I like a certain brand of mayo, and the lowfat variety - they often don't have it so if they do then I buy two -like that. These random shortages have made me anxious about running out for sure.

[boltnrun]

LOL yes -so like for example I like a certain brand of mayo, and the lowfat variety - they often don't have it so if they do then I buy two -like that. These random shortages have made me anxious about running out for sure.

 

I wish that was all I did because that makes sense. But I buy like 10 dinner items when I only need dinner for a week. Twelve lunch items when again, I only need enough for a week. Then after I wipe everything I realize I can barely fit it all into my freezer or cupboard.

 

At least I'm not as bad as my brother lol. He keeps leftovers for MONTHS. His fridge is so overloaded because he refuses to throw anything away even if it's gone bad. He feels it is wrong to throw away food and says "someone might want to eat that! And I paid good money for that food!" Nope, a burger that's been sitting in the fridge uncovered for six weeks is not what someone craves for lunch! I do get rid of stuff if it's gone past it's expiration date or if it's not good any longer.

[Batya33]

I wish that was all I did because that makes sense. But I buy like 10 dinner items when I only need dinner for a week. Twelve lunch items when again, I only need enough for a week. Then after I wipe everything I realize I can barely fit it all into my freezer or cupboard.

 

At least I'm not as bad as my brother lol. He keeps leftovers for MONTHS. His fridge is so overloaded because he refuses to throw anything away even if it's gone bad. He feels it is wrong to throw away food and says "someone might want to eat that! And I paid good money for that food!" Nope, a burger that's been sitting in the fridge uncovered for six weeks is not what someone craves for lunch! I do get rid of stuff if it's gone past it's expiration date or if it's not good any longer.

 

Ugh -my husband keeps leftovers too long too but not that long!

[boltnrun]

Just finished the interview. I liked the people interviewing me and the company seems good. They are utilizing safe work protocols including temperature checks and only having about 10-12 people in the offices. The work seems interesting. But...I did have to be honest about how I would need to commute for a few weeks. The gentleman had mentioned how he didn't really want anyone to have to commute a long way, but I wasn't going to try to conceal that. So that may have taken me out of the running.

 

However, the interview made me feel like I still "have it". I have good skills and I feel like if this one doesn't work out, as long as a company is willing to interview me I would have a really good shot. It's just getting the interview that's the hard part. Out of something like 40 applications this is only the second company that wanted to interview me (not counting Home Depot, who keeps trying to push me into a lot attendant job. Nothing wrong with lot attendant but my skill set is beyond that and it pays poorly).

[Rose Mosse]

Good for you for being honest. Were they worried about employees being late to work or quitting mid-way in training or due to commute times? It's okay and standard for most employers to want employees who work relatively close by. I don't think it takes you out of the running especially if you show you're interested in the work and are open to relocating or you're always on time or early.

[boltnrun]

I just got back from the UPS store and the grocery store. I wiped down my perishables and put them away (non-perishables are still in the trunk of my car). I changed my clothes and washed my hands and forearms and used a makeup remover wipe on my face, but I'm trying really hard not to jump in the shower to wash myself and shampoo like I always do. Most people I know are not rushing into the shower every time they grocery shop or run errands and they are not infected with Covid. I am feeling some anxiety and am nervous to touch my hair or any part of my body that was exposed. And I am one of those who constantly touches her face and hair. I mean, every 15 seconds I'm pawing at my hair and my face, can't seem to stop myself. But my god, this has to stop. It's stupid to jump in the shower every time I run an errand, I am going through a ridiculous amount of clothes, using up water and shampoo and shower gel...it's just stupid. But I don't know if logic will override my fears. We'll see.