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I (29F) feel responsibe for the demise of the relationship with him (30M).


deedee28

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I recently picked something up again with a guy I had a very strong connection/history with 2 years ago (it was a 6 month thing). We had been dating for the last month and it was all going great. However, although he always had some problem drinking, this time around I realised that this was far more serious than it was years prior. I am not an alcoholic myself (social drinker) and from this relationshiop, I've only recently realised that because my father was an alcoholic, I am drawn to wanting to help men like him and wanting their care and acceptance. We had quite a history where he was quite insensitive and careless towards me and much of our relationship consisted of him blowing hot and cold, leading to me getting quite reactive and clingy in response, however this time around he seemed to put up a good front making me believe he had completely transformed.

 

He just came out of a 2 day bender on booze and speed and the same behaviours had emerged as they did before and I tried to resolve it with him. Previously in the month we would resolve issues easily, because he was really receptive and wanted to make it right. This time around, he seemed to understand why I was upset, then would later retract it and say he does'nt know why I'm on his case and why I have to always overwhelm him with so many questions/problems . This went on for a long while and we were going around in circles, attempting to resolve it and talk it through. Then it all reached a head and he said he felt he had been interrogated for the last 10 hours and thought maybe I had 'gotten better' since we broke up last, but that I still have the same issues that lead him to break up with me in the first place. I broke into tears and was on the floor crying and in response, he got up, looked at me blankly and said he's going to clean his room and get some stuff done around the house. Suddenly something came over me and I was in an absolute rage. I looked at him squarely and told him I thought he was a wretched human being, that he treats women like and if he continues to live the way he does and treat people the way he does, he will end up living a lonely, miserable life and that I hated him.

 

 

I honestly felt so shocked with what came out of my mouth and I felt completely sick and angry at myself for saying these things to him. He looked so hurt and I was on my knees apologising to him non stop, telling him I didn't mean to hurt him and I wish I didn't say any of those things and I wanted to take it all back. He said that it was ok , that he was hurt but he doesn't think of me differently and the things I said were probably true. He then said he was going to go for a walk to go to the shops and will be back in 15. When he got back, he skulled down a 6 pack of cider in about half an hour and then began getting really angry and argumentative with me, accusing me of starting on him when I wasn't saying anything ( I was super quiet and passive during this time). All of a sudden he got so angry he told me he wanted me out his house. When I was packing my things to go, he told me that I am a miserable c**t and will be the one who ends up lonely and I'll have a hard time finding someone who will put up with me and my BPD (something I have been working really hard to treat for the last 2 years through therapy). He also kept on saying that I am the one who is wretched. He kept on repeating himself and I was in tears, telling him to stop saying these things to me and he said that if I'm going to dish it, I should take it and told me to off out of his life.

 

I tried to call him the day after to tell him I didn't want to end things on such bad terms and I was so sorry for the hurtful things I said. He then told me that if I was a man he would have kicked me in the head for saying what I said, but he didn't because he doesn't hit women. I tried to explain that I really wanted to be on good terms with him. He became more agitated and told me his other exes (all of whom he is close friends with) respected his space, never verbally abused him or overwhelm him with so many problems/questions, so I will never have that place in his life and he hung up.

 

I am seriously so ashamed and guilty for lashing out at him the way I did and how I overwhelmed him to the point that he lost all respect for me. I hate that he is going to remember me the way he does and I feel completely responsible for the demise of this relationship. If anyone is able to provide any insight and support to help me navigate these feelings, that would be really appreciated.

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This was a sad read. I would strong encourage you to continue with therapy, OP, to help you understand your unhealthy view of love and attachment to a relationship that was always going to go up in flames. This was dysfunctional on so many levels and I promise you it was always going to end badly.

 

You appear to already have some insight into this, given your acknowledgment of your tendency to seek out toxic men and you need for their approval. This was a continuation of the same cycle. This is a lot less about this particular man, and much more about you and your low self-worth. That isn't a criticism, to be clear, but an observation. People who love and respect themselves would not allow an abusive addict to remain in their lives, but I realize it's easier said than done when you're in the middle of the storm. You're feeling so awful now because you're inadvertently using this guy as a measuring stick of your own value and importance, and by extension, your feeling of being unloved. The problem is that you're seeking fruit from a rotten tree, if you see what I mean.

 

You mentioned you suffer from BPD and that you have been in therapy for it. Does your therapist know about this toxic relationship?

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He just came out of a 2 day bender on booze and speed and the same behaviours had emerged as they did before and I tried to resolve it with him. Previously in the month we would resolve issues easily, because he was really receptive and wanted to make it right. This time around, he seemed to understand why I was upset, then would later retract it and say he does'nt know why I'm on his case and why I have to always overwhelm him with so many questions/problems .
This is called trying to control while failing at it which has manifested in you being frustrated at your own failure to fix him.

 

You NEED therapy with a therapist proficient in codependency issues so seek one with knowledge in such, (continue on with your psychiatrist regarding your BPD) you also would do well with the help of a group (such as Alanon) to help you with your codependency. You might also try reading up on "Nurturing Your Inner Child" because its clear that you had little to no nurturing as you had to be the adult to your alcoholic father.

 

Stop worrying about what happened with the current alcoholic in your life and instead concentrate on getting past your codependent nature and how to learn to love and nurture yourself. You can't fix anyone but yourself so work on you and start to feel the relief of fixing someone that you have 100% control over fixing ~ yourself.

 

we would resolve issues easily,
No you wouldn't... all you did was postpone the issues for a wee while but they always came back.
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