My boyfriend rarely has sex with me and masturbates weekly

[Shysms89]

I don’t think a baby will change him so what you’re saying isn’t relevant

[Wiseman2]

When did he "change"? When you got pregnant the first time? When you moved in together? When you had a miscarriage? When you became pregnant again?

If you are able to pinpoint when/how his lack of interest started perhaps that's the first step in exploring it and may solve the mystery as to why he is losing interest in sex with you.

I don’t think a baby will change him

[Shysms89]

When did he "change"? When you got pregnant the first time? When you moved in together? When you had a miscarriage? When you became pregnant again?

If you are able to pinpoint when/how his lack of interest started perhaps that's the first step in exploring it and may solve the mystery as to why he is losing interest in sex with you.

 

Don’t think I ever said he “changed” how ever I did say I noticed when we moved in together , I noticed this pattern.

[bluecastle]

But this pattern did not emerge just because you moved in together, but because of the circumstances: unexpected pregnancy, unexpected miscarriage. Has he been able to talk you—openly, honestly—about how all that has made him feel? I'm imagining a parallel reality in which I found myself in his shoes, and in that reality it's not hard to imagine myself shutting down sexually.

 

When something we enjoy doing—like sex—leads to a number of life changes we did not want, the initial response, for many, is to stop doing the thing we once enjoyed. And when we have yet to establish an ability to communicate with another person in a healthy way, we will resort to communicating passively, which is what he's doing—what, in ways, you're both doing, with "sex" a substitute, I think, for some very real conversations you have to have with your vocal chords before you can get back in touch with your bodies.

[boltnrun]

My ex and I went at it like rabbits until I moved in (at his suggestion). He immediately shut down a lot of the sex. He, however, didn't really want me around all the time although he said he did. He enjoyed his freedom (for various reasons) and I cramped his style. After I moved my things in he asked me where I planned to sleep! He said he didn't want me in his bed every night. Well, why suggest I move in then??? Obviously he wasn't being 100% honest with me and who knows why, that's how he operated.

 

I agree with Blue that a conversation is needed. Ask him how he's feeling about the previous pregnancy and miscarriage and how he feels about you and now a baby being a permanent part of his life. He could be nervous about being a father or it could be something else. But talk to him! That's the only way to find out what's going on.

[reinventmyself]

I don’t think a baby will change him so what you’re saying isn’t relevant

Not sure why you snap back with sarcasm each time. You must just want to argue?

You came here asking after all.

I'm out.

[Shysms89]

But this pattern did not emerge just because you moved in together, but because of the circumstances: unexpected pregnancy, unexpected miscarriage. Has he been able to talk you—openly, honestly—about how all that has made him feel? I'm imagining a parallel reality in which I found myself in his shoes, and in that reality it's not hard to imagine myself shutting down sexually.

 

When something we enjoy doing—like sex—leads to a number of life changes we did not want, the initial response, for many, is to stop doing the thing we once enjoyed. And when we have yet to establish an ability to communicate with another person in a healthy way, we will resort to communicating passively, which is what he's doing—what, in ways, you're both doing, with "sex" a substitute, I think, for some very real conversations you have to have with your vocal chords before you can get back in touch with your bodies.

 

He’s happy about the pregnancy he says it and shows it. The miscarriage he was sad about because how excited he was about it in the first place.

[Shysms89]

It’s not sarcasm , I’m just letting you know thats not what I said. Saying “so you think a baby will change him? I never said that or thought that way.” It’s one thing to give advice and another to try to put words in someone’s mouth and try to be harsh about it. It’s almost as if you’re trying to make me feel bad. Anyway bye now.

[reinventmyself]

Saying “so you think a baby will change him?

I never asked that. Now your putting words in my mouth.

 

You came here wanting support regarding your bf's lack of interest in sex. Is this not a fair question?:

 

What effect do you think diapers, sleepless nights and car seats will have on his libido and your relationship as a whole?

[bluecastle]

Here's what I'm trying to understand:

 

Was your sex life ever good, by your standards of "good"? Not sure how long you were dating before moving in—two weeks? two months?—but you said back then it was at least more frequent than it is now. Aside from frequency, did you get the sense that you were on the same page, or were you kind of already thinking that he was a bit lazy in the sack?

 

I ask this because if it was once satisfying then it means something has happened to tweak that connection, to prevent it from continuing to blossom. In your case, of course, a lot has happened in a very short period of time, and I really don't get the impression that you two have figured out how to just talk about things. You make a pass, he pulls away—sure, you can keep subbing that in for a conversation. But the result is more tension, more disconnect, and more pressure on both of you—the stuff, basically, that is a surefire road to sexual dissatisfaction.

 

He was happy you were pregnant, sad when you weren't, is happy again that you are—cool. But, I'm sorry, that is the tip of the iceberg of human emotion. He can be happy and totally freaked out, for instance, but if he's suppressing those freaked out feelings he's going to struggle to connect, particularly if he has the sense that you may be leaning on sex as a way to quell your own freaked out feelings and just be happy.

 

These are the kinds of more nuanced, and productive, conversations that are pretty critical to romantic stability, and generally require a bit of a foundation to be able to take place. Not sure you guys have that foundation, but if you're interested in seeing if this can work, now is the time to see about building it.

[Honeycomb8]

I think it's time to get a new bf.

[boltnrun]

I think it's time to get a new bf.

 

Her pregnancy might complicate that!

[Honeycomb8]

Her pregnancy might complicate that!

 

Unfortunately she lost the baby. =/

[boltnrun]

Unfortunately she lost the baby. =/

 

She's pregnant again. She gave that info in this thread. Post #28:

"didn't mention, I am pregnant again just found out last month. "

[lostandhurt]

He is so used to getting off to porn he cannot perfom in real life or does not want to. You are trying to compete with fantasy.

 

Time to move on, there is no fixing this unless he admits he has a problem.

 

Don't feel bad, there is a post just like this once a week around here it seems.

 

Start looking for a place to live and then break up with him in the nicest way possible. He may cry, he may say or do things to try and convince you to stay but in time it will just be back to where you are now. He will be okay and you will be able to find a man that would rather be with a real woman instead of his hand...

 

Lost