reinventmyself Posted March 9, 2020 Share Posted March 9, 2020 I'm trying to use sex to gauge his attraction to me. Is it not normal for women to want to have sex regularly? Unfortunately we can't help you gauge his attraction. Your needs are perfectly normal. That mere fact that he uses you in the morning to get off and seems to have no interest in seeing that your needs are met, cries crocodile tears when you try to talk to him and yet, changes don't materialize, suggests this is just not working. You can't fix it alone, he isn't trying. . so now what do you do? My guess is - the baby is what got you two living together before you were ready.. Now there is no baby to keep you together and though he may talk differently, his actions suggest he's checked out of the relationship. Link to comment
Shysms89 Posted March 9, 2020 Author Share Posted March 9, 2020 I don't know, it truly is a heartbreaking situation because everything else is perfect but that. And I know everyones saying he won't change, break up with him... Link to comment
Shysms89 Posted March 9, 2020 Author Share Posted March 9, 2020 I didn't mention, I am pregnant again just found out last month. Don't want to seem harsh but i do know a baby isn't enough to stay in a relationship Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted March 9, 2020 Share Posted March 9, 2020 How does he feel about this? Don't you think moving in pregnant-miscarriage-pregnant again is too much to soon in the span of one year and a bit overwhelming? How old is he? How does he feel about living together and instantly becoming a parent? I am pregnant again just found out last month. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted March 9, 2020 Share Posted March 9, 2020 Did he also want a baby? Two pregnancies in such a short time...both of them couldn't have been unplanned. Was he in on those plans? Link to comment
saluk Posted March 9, 2020 Share Posted March 9, 2020 Not mentioning you are pregnant again is a huge detail you left out. Whose decision was it to start having unprotected sex and trying to get pregnant after less than a year of knowing each other. Wanting kids in general is one thing, actively trying to get pregnant with a brand new relationship is something else. He's not good at expressing his feelings and you may not be a good listener yet. Communication skills can take time to build. Kids and miscarriages and living together is a huge strain on a relationship that has not yet solidified. (They are a strain on any relationship) Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 9, 2020 Share Posted March 9, 2020 I didn't mention, I am pregnant again just found out last month. Don't want to seem harsh but i do know a baby isn't enough to stay in a relationship You should never stay in a relationship for a child. It is not good to expose them to an unhealthy/unhappy environment. Have you considered couples therapy? Link to comment
jul-els Posted March 9, 2020 Share Posted March 9, 2020 I haven't read beyond the op, but the two of you aren't on the same page in terms of sexual desire. More importantly, he is disrespectful to you on this issue. You have tried communicating about it, but it seems pretty obvious it isn't going to change. It doesn't sound like this is something you will be able to accept or be happy with, nor should you. It looks like it's probably time to call it quits with him. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted March 9, 2020 Share Posted March 9, 2020 I didn't mention, I am pregnant again just found out last month. Don't want to seem harsh but i do know a baby isn't enough to stay in a relationship So, you are in a miserable relationship and decided to bring a child into the mix again? But why??? Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 9, 2020 Share Posted March 9, 2020 So, you are in a miserable relationship and decided to bring a child into the mix again? But why??? Exactly what I was thinking. Link to comment
Shysms89 Posted March 10, 2020 Author Share Posted March 10, 2020 Sorry to hear this. How were things before you moved in? Why did you move in so soon? He doesn't want to change. You need to reflect if you want to throw your life away on someone who rejects you sexually. Stop having "boring morning sex". Seems like the answer is quite obvious - end this misery and move on to dating someone who is more on par with you sexually. On a side note and a disclaimer as I'm not a guy, but what I understand is that for some guys, if they get too much into self help, actual sex becomes undesirable and doesn't feel good. What I'm getting at is that this is nothing to do with you, your looks, or what you are offering in bed. This is ALL him and if he wanted to improve his sex life, he'd stop the jerking off and give himself a chance to normalize for lack of a better word. He will cry and plead, but just like any other addict, he isn't actually willing to change and his addiction is his own hand. You didn't know him well enough at all before deciding to move in. Now you know the "real" him. It's up to you if you want a lifetime of sex his way, only when he wants it. Sorry, but I think it is time to move on. Were you using protection? I haven't read beyond the op, but the two of you aren't on the same page in terms of sexual desire. More importantly, he is disrespectful to you on this issue. You have tried communicating about it, but it seems pretty obvious it isn't going to change. It doesn't sound like this is something you will be able to accept or be happy with, nor should you. It looks like it's probably time to call it quits with him.[/QUOTyE] I can’t disagree with you Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 I’m not in a miserable relationship, can you read clearly? I did say everything else is perfect but the sex that’s missing. First you keep trying to tell me we can have aids and stds you’re going way off subject you seem a little crazy to me. I think that anyone who does not use a condom or plans a pregnancy with someone they have known a minute is crazy. If you are not on the same page sexually, it is huge problem in a relationship, as it can cause resentment and questioning of one's own worth. You would not have posted here in the first place if this was not a big issue.. Getting defensive indicates that you know there is truth in our comments. Good luck. Link to comment
bluecastle Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 Does he know you're pregnant again? Are you wanting to be a mother? Can I ask how old you guy are? Speaking generally, I think it takes about a year to have anything like a "real" idea of whether two people work together. Ideally, they've checked off some critical boxes early—are on the same page in terms of physical, intellectual, and spiritual chemistry—and then time determines whether those early sparks fizzle out or become a fire big enough to warm both people. How you two have gone about this? Well, it's kind of the opposite. You got pregnant quickly, and in response you guys went into full-on partnership mode when most people are still figuring out if they're compatible for dating, let alone partnership. Post-miscarriage, it seems you've had a good long stretch to realize you're not quite compatible on one very critical plane: sex. That you're now expecting again—well, not really sure what to say there, to be honest, since you're making choices to stay attached—for life—to a connection that seems to be lacking. What's the logic there, if I may ask? Does part of you wonder if a baby will improve things between you guys, since your relationship has been built around that idea right from the dating period? Link to comment
Shysms89 Posted March 10, 2020 Author Share Posted March 10, 2020 My pregnancy was not planned because if you read I said the doctor told me I would have complications trying to have kids hence why I lost the first one and when I planned to leave him for good I found out I was pregnant again. It happens no one is perfect and I’m sure you’re not perfect. I think it’s crazy you’re telling me I can catch aids ,he can get it in 3 months etc when I mentioned we both said we got tested and I even got tested for everything this month! I keep up with my health. Link to comment
Shysms89 Posted March 10, 2020 Author Share Posted March 10, 2020 I’m getting defensive because you’re jumping to all of the worst conclusions like oh he can have Aids etc not even knowing anything Link to comment
Shysms89 Posted March 10, 2020 Author Share Posted March 10, 2020 It was not a planned pregnancy, literally took me by surprise because I barely have sex with him. I was planning to leave him and even after I found out that was my plan to leave. I spoke to him peacefully about separating and the reasons why and he cried saying he doesn’t want to lose me, he’s always wanted to be a dad and I told him he’s a good person I wouldn’t keep the child away from him but the sex issue is not ok and he begged me not to leave him saying he will change but in these past weeks I noticed he still doesn’t try to have sex with me so I know he’s masturbating still. I would never be stupid enough to think a child can change a relationship. I do want to be a mother, didn’t think it would happen now. Link to comment
bluecastle Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 Tough situation, no two ways about it. I'm a bit confused about your last post, but are you saying he's aware of the new pregnancy? Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 I’m getting defensive because you’re jumping to all of the worst conclusions like oh he can have Aids etc not even knowing anything You are not hearing what I was saying. It is advisable to use a condom for three months after testing to determine that both parties are clean. Link to comment
Shysms89 Posted March 10, 2020 Author Share Posted March 10, 2020 Yes he’s aware and he said he was happy about it. He’s been very caring, making sure I eat well, making me healthy breakfast every morning, he’s been cleaning the house so I don’t have to since I’ve been feeling nauseous,I come home to my favorite flowers and a lot of other thoughtful and helpful things. He is a great guy it’s just the sex issue Link to comment
Shysms89 Posted March 10, 2020 Author Share Posted March 10, 2020 Well we are clean so thanks for your concern Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 I am confused, you did not plan to be a mother, but did not use protection before your first pregnancy? Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 Well we are clean so thanks for your concern That is good to hear. Link to comment
bluecastle Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 If you are planning on carrying the child to term, and hoping to raise the child together in a romantic partnership, I would say that now is the moment to try a few sessions of couple's counseling to see if you two can connect a little more genuinely. Not sure how old you are, but a lot of people would be seriously overwhelmed by all this: not just the new pregnancy, but basically the whole journey to this point. And many people, when overwhelmed, close off, shut down, lose the buzz. You guys have gone through events in 12 months that rock people who have been together for years and have a solid foundation and emotional connection. You guys don't yet have that, while having all of the super serious stuff. Whether that's part of the "sex issue" or whether it's just two people who don't really mesh sexually—well, a professional can help you get a clearer answer on that. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted March 10, 2020 Share Posted March 10, 2020 My pregnancy was not planned because if you read I said the doctor told me I would have complications trying to have kids hence why I lost the first one . So, you were proven fertile, lost a baby and still didnt use birth control? If the pregnancy goes to term you are now tied to.a man who isn't interested in meeting your needs. What effect do you think diapers, sleepless nights and car seats will have on his libido and your relationship as ass a whole? Link to comment
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