Relationship with stepmother ruining one with dad

[SherrySher]

No one said anything about manipulating or controlling. But if someone was being a jerk to my kid, my partner or not, I'd say something. I wouldn't watch it and let it go on.

 

I don't care how old you are, you still have a certain amount of responsibility as a parent.

[catfeeder]

No one said anything about manipulating or controlling. But if someone was being a jerk to my kid, my partner or not, I'd say something. I wouldn't watch it and let it go on.

 

I don't care how old you are, you still have a certain amount of responsibility as a parent.

 

We can view it that way for ourselves, but assigning 'shoulds' to anyone else is an exercise in frustration. It sets us up for an unsolvable equation. We don't get to control the level of responsibility alone else takes, but when we're willing to take on our own interactions as our OWN responsibility, that's where we DO have control.

 

The same Dad who's always allowed his flakey wife to run over him isn't going to suddenly step up and grow a pair today. So if the goal is to navigate yourself through a dicey relationship with another adult, then 'self' is the key word.

[SherrySher]

This is why on a forum we all have different opinions and OP gets to pick and choose which works best for them. :)

 

I personally feel that the Dad does have a certain amount of responsibility in speaking to his wife on not treating his daughter so badly.

 

But yes, this man hasn't exactly done much in the past so at this point, it does look more like, OP has to decide on how to deal with it personally, which is why I said that she should try her best not to react to the stepmoms fits.

 

It is a shame the Dad doesn't say something though.

[jimthzz]

Have you ever head of the term "religiosity"?

 

A lot of disturbed people resort to quasi-religious rituals in an attempt to calm themselves.

 

Your MIL sounds disturbed to me.

 

You issue is in taking it personally. Plus, you want your family back -- your father.

 

Well, even if she were out of the picture you still have to grow apart from your father. That is the way of things.

[DancingFool]

OP followed up with the fact that the MIL is diagnosed bipolar. OP needs to learn to step back and stop taking her behavior personally or trying to pick fights. It's really that simple.

 

If her dad is good with this dynamic and this relationship, that's his business and instead of judging him as a doormat or whatever, she needs to respect him and who he is in addition to loving him. A big part of love is accepting the person you love for who they are, not who you want them to be. OP being constantly combative and making everything about herself is not conducive to healthy relationships with anyone. There is also plenty of literature online where she can get educated more about bipolar illness and also how to interact with a family member who has it. It would go a long ways toward better relations all around.

[Jay98]

Thank you all for your replies. It's given me a lot to think about.

 

Wiseman2, I've been renting since I was 18 and have not been in the financial position to put a deposit down. It was near impossible to save £200 a month and house prices just climbed and climbed. When my stepnan passed away, my stepmum used some of her money from the will to give us a deposit. I am not ungreatful for this nor indebited - she made it clear with the solicitor that she had no claim in our home.

 

Dancingfool, thanks for your insight. I don't think I'm making this all about me though as even when things were good, my stepmum would FIND something to argue about, or a row between her and my dad turned to me for no reason when I'm minding my own business. She used to hate me spending time with my father too (randomly), I recall her slamming doors and saying I have 'sister syndrome' (whatever that means) when my dad and I were washing our cars together. This was made worse by the fact that I'd not long lost my sister to cancer.

 

It is hard when this behaviour can seemingly come out of nowhere and I do take it personally when she makes these sorts of comments, because how can they not be? Walking into my room for no reason to call me a b***h because I didn't get my dad a father's day present (I had no money!) is another one...

 

Yes, she has done amazing things for my husband and I. But how does that excuse being spoken to like this?

 

And no, I don't think not attending my dad's baptism was rude. He said himself he did it to make her happy (sorry but this makes no sense to me as he's an atheist too and would find the whole thing ridiculous otherwise - so to me going along with it all just. I don't even know). Doesn't mean I have to follow suit as some sort of 'domino' effect of making the next person happy. I didn't agree with it, could see my dad was roped in, and I had better things to do like lectures to attend that day.

[DancingFool]

I understand that she is erratic. What you have to wrap your mind around is that she is a mental patient. Literally all the crazy behavior, mood swings, crazy attacks, crazy name calling, anything at all crazy is her illness talking. I know it's not easy to deal with, but it's still not personal. Literally the mental patient is in today and when you see that, become scarce. When she is lucid, she is lucid and a different person, but when her illness strikes her brain, she is very much not in control of her mental faculties or behavior yet probably thinks she is being rational and normal.

 

This roller coaster ride is what your dad signed up for knowingly. Something attracts him to this dynamic. As for you, dealing with a mental patient means learning how to never take their behavior personally and also learning how to step away and have rock hard boundaries.

 

Debating whether something is excusable or not is what you can do to normal sane people behaving badly. This woman is a lot like being upset that a person in a wheelchair can't go skipping up the stairs with you. She isn't capable.

[catfeeder]

I understand that she is erratic. What you have to wrap your mind around is that she is a mental patient. Literally all the crazy behavior, mood swings, crazy attacks, crazy name calling, anything at all crazy is her illness talking. I know it's not easy to deal with, but it's still not personal. Literally the mental patient is in today and when you see that, become scarce. When she is lucid, she is lucid and a different person, but when her illness strikes her brain, she is very much not in control of her mental faculties or behavior yet probably thinks she is being rational and normal.

 

This roller coaster ride is what your dad signed up for knowingly. Something attracts him to this dynamic. As for you, dealing with a mental patient means learning how to never take their behavior personally and also learning how to step away and have rock hard boundaries.

 

Debating whether something is excusable or not is what you can do to normal sane people behaving badly. This woman is a lot like being upset that a person in a wheelchair can't go skipping up the stairs with you. She isn't capable.

 

Yep. ^^^This. If a bum on the street calls you a bum, how personal is that? When a crazy person acts crazy, it's not about you. How you choose to compose yourself IS about you, and if it helps to consider it a personal favor to your Dad every time you avoid arguing with cray-cray wife, then use that as your motivator.

 

Head high, and nobody is telling you that this is easy. It's just the right thing to do when your goal is to maintain your relationship with your father.

[abitbroken]

For the most part my stepmum and I are fine but there seems to be an undertone with her when I spend too much time with her and my dad. She can be overly nice (almost sickeningly so) or distant, rude and slips in snide comments now and then which totally throws me off. There is no consistency at all. I live with my husband but refers to her and my dads house as my 'home' which is there whenever I need it but she made me feel really on edge and unwelcome when I lived there...mostly through policing my every move, causing arguments with my dad over petty things (like where cutlery goes and in what order), and made it near impossible to have a life of my own with boyfriends/friends coming over rarely because the atmosphere when they did was so tense you could cut it with a knife.

 

you cannot compare your relationship to her now that you are a married person to when you were under their roof as a child. My parents and i have a completely different and close dynamic NOT living together. you can't pick snide remarks that were made when you were 16 and apply them to today. Today is today. If she policed you back then because there were house rules, but is more welcoming now - she is not a hippocrite. it was just a different dynamic then.

 

She marries and moves in with a guy who was previously married and it could be the house he and your mom lived in or if not, your dad is used to the ways of your mother and the way things should be arranged according to her. It can be tense when adult children live with a newly married couple, and she is still trying to assert/establish herself as the "woman of the house" and her way of snipping about where the cutlery goes could be an offshoot of that. I think she is trying in her maybe unusual way -- she is reiterating that this is your home/you are welcome here but on the other hand its really hard to put that into practice when the most recent addition to the family is saying that.

 

I would respect your dad's choice no matter how much you do not agree and i would not sit around their house for hours and monopolize their day. Instead, i would meet them/take them out for lunch once in awhile or plan a short outing, that way everyone is at their best and its successful.

 

Either your dad eventually will divorce her or you will realize that there is a dynamic there that they both thrive off of and you just accept that. She may not be your choice, but she is his.

[abitbroken]

 

It is hard when this behaviour can seemingly come out of nowhere and I do take it personally when she makes these sorts of comments, because how can they not be? Walking into my room for no reason to call me a b***h because I didn't get my dad a father's day present (I had no money!) is another one...

 

Yes, she has done amazing things for my husband and I. But how does that excuse being spoken to like this? .

 

She wanted you to respect your dad and no money is no excuse. you could have made something for your dad instead of purchased something or you could have repriortized your spending and got him a card with an IOU for lunch and hitting a few golf balls. Or getting up bright and early father's day weekend, setting a lemonade in dad's hand and mowing the lawn/doing all the yard work/pressure washing the house so he didn't have to.

 

you say she does nice things for you as a couple - and yet you keep bringing up what she did when you were a minor or young adult. Its totally not the same. She is not speaking to you that way anymore - its naturally to decide to hate a parent and think they an ogre or an evil stepmom but you have to look at it as your adult life is a clean slate.

 

I think my grandparents are absoliute saints and can do no wrong and far rainbows and mom says "well, you didn't grow up with them". She loves their company now, but they were loving but STRICT when she was a kid.

[abitbroken]

 

And no, I don't think not attending my dad's baptism was rude. He said himself he did it to make her happy (sorry but this makes no sense to me as he's an atheist too and would find the whole thing ridiculous otherwise - so to me going along with it all just. I don't even know). Doesn't mean I have to follow suit as some sort of 'domino' effect of making the next person happy. I didn't agree with it, could see my dad was roped in, and I had better things to do like lectures to attend that day.

 

But it was important to your dad. Maybe he is not a hardcore atheist like you think. Lots of people convert when they get married. I have attended weddings where i wasn't thrilled about the spouse (they ended up being okay). There are ways to disagree - to have a scheduling conflict without having a line in the sand. Dad did this willingly. I do think not attending if HE wanted you there was a bit rude and you made it about your stepmom vs about your dad.

[catfeeder]

you cannot compare your relationship to her now that you are a married person to when you were under their roof as a child. My parents and i have a completely different and close dynamic NOT living together. you can't pick snide remarks that were made when you were 16 and apply them to today. Today is today. If she policed you back then because there were house rules, but is more welcoming now - she is not a hippocrite. it was just a different dynamic then.

...

 

Either your dad eventually will divorce her or you will realize that there is a dynamic there that they both thrive off of and you just accept that. She may not be your choice, but she is his.

 

I agree. Holding grudges from childhood is not helpful to anyone, and neither is holding onto a view of yourself as a child. Part of adulthood is moving out of the home and assuming the role of a mature and independent adult. That means respecting the time and property and choices of a parent as theirs, not ours.

[abitbroken]

I agree. Holding grudges from childhood is not helpful to anyone, and neither is holding onto a view of yourself as a child. Part of adulthood is moving out of the home and assuming the role of a mature and independent adult. That means respecting the time and property and choices of a parent as theirs, not ours.

 

focusing on your own marriage is one of the best things you can do - spend time together, learn to fight fair to have a lasting, happy marriage. And don't forget to honor your father - don't create a rift.

[itsallgrand]

I'd imagine you'd be quite protective of your dad, and your relationship with him, considering what happened with your mom and the loss of your sister. Which I am so sorry for your loss.

 

And then dad chose another unstable partner, another person in his life and yours who is a source of chaos and confusion. It makes total sense that there'd be some knots to work out from that, because you didn't have much of a chance to just be and to recover and come to terms with the losses you have experienced in your life.

 

From my own personal experience, you are headed in the right direction by investing in yourself with therapy. The key is investing in yourself in all ways, building yourself up, and establishing yourself independently on all fronts.

As you do this, there will be some growing pains as you redefine important relationships on your terms and with new boundaries as an equal/adult.

 

I'd give myself whatever space is needed to sort it out. I'd start a tradition of some one on one with dad - he might not follow through, but you can initiate and try. Whatever it is you miss with him, you can try to create that in a fresh way.

With your step mom, I'd keep a wide berth for now. Doesn't have to be forever, but until you work out your feelings around all this and can see her without compromising yourself and long term goals in those relationships.

 

Don't give up. You can do this.