Failed again

[Boo1986]

Well no I wouldn't put much stock in a near stranger who liked my personality - sure it's "positive" but I don't think that's a productive path for you -to hang onto those kinds of general compliments from near strangers. I also would limit venting to friends because it gets old really fast - be really selective about that IMO.

 

Instead of "I have a lot of love to give" -which is sweet but kind of vague - I would focus on what specifically you like to do, what specifically you like to contribute to friendships and romantic relationships because loving is giving. It's also a feeling but the giving part is much more important -and the specifics of the giving not "I have a lot of love to give" - I mean wouldn't most people say that about themselves? I would glaze over a profile that said that -it's so trite and overused. Get specific -put yourself to the test of what specifically you like to give, what you're good at giving. For example one of my new friends recently told me "you're a good listener because you ask good follow up questions". That was really helpful and lovely to hear because I really work on my listening skills!

 

When I was dating I was on the phone with a potential first meet. I had "call waiting" -I know old school -it was this guy I'd met once or twice who I really liked but who had basically not called in a long time. His voicemail was something like "I wanted to talk to you and explain to you why I hadn't called you again". I thought about it and since he was a near stranger I didn't bother calling him. I knew I hadn't offended him in any way so unless i needed to apologize why bother getting feedback from a stranger?

 

It's silly to think a therapist would tell you you are unattractive. A therapist might have you explore - whether you need to lose weight, whether you're deliberately making yourself unattractive like by not showering enough, keeping your hair unkempt/messy/wearing inappropriate clothing, etc. But no a therapist is not going to tell you you're ugly.

 

Yes this is true again, I can get specific about it, as i do know i have lots of good qualities also. I dont vent too much to my friends, just the same friends that vent too me.

Yes i guess feedback from a relative stranger doesn't count for much, unless it was really something specific I was doing wrong that could help in the future. Thank you for always providing such wise advice with little relatable scenarios, it helps more than you would know. As for the therapist, i just mean if they judge you dont have this body dysmotphic syndrome and that your concerns are valid how do they tell you that.

[Batya33]

Yes this is true again, I can get specific about it, as i do know i have lots of good qualities also. I dont vent too much to my friends, just the same friends that vent too me.

Yes i guess feedback from a relative stranger doesn't count for much, unless it was really something specific I was doing wrong that could help in the future. Thank you for always providing such wise advice with little relatable scenarios, it helps more than you would know. As for the therapist, i just mean if they judge you dont have this body dysmotphic syndrome and that your concerns are valid how do they tell you that.

 

I have no idea but I don't think therapists get into the subject of which physical features are attractive. For that you can go to a beauty expert/makeup/fashion expert who will guide you in how to make the most of your physical features. Even if your friends vent to you be extremely sparing about it. I've been on both sides of it. It's common and typical -and also boring and negative and limiting -because once one of you finds someone it becomes really one sided especially if that's been the focus of the friendship.

 

Yes-if you offended someone whether stranger or not it can be really helpful to know about it because we've all done so unintentionally and it stings to hear it but great for the future. I never ever needed the "you're SO amazing and have a great personality but I'm not ready for a relationship right now". To me silence was lack of interest. Silence was "closure". Unless we'd gone out more than a handful of times -like more than 5 or 6 - so that it made more sense to have an actual conversation.

[bluecastle]

People generally try to form bonds based on their current interests and obsessions. It's not even conscious. I spend a lot of time thinking about books and arts and writing, pursuits that are both personal and professional. Also travel and finding ways to get lost and found and challenged outdoors, through physical activity. So, on a date, I'll probably be a bit "eager" to touch upon these topics, see how they land, while also being curious about what consumes lights up another human being: the similarities, the differences.

 

The impression I get reading this thread, and others, is that your main interests and obsessions—the things consuming your mind and spirit these days—are your looks, how bad they are, what men think about you, why men either like you only for this or that. This is, being frank, tedious subject matter to discuss with a stranger—or, really, with anyone. It's a bit like going on a date with someone who is severely hung up about an ex: the energy is weird from the start, and, soon enough, out come the hiccups. Instead of talking about books or hikes, you're hearing about how awful he was, how hard the breakup was, and so on. It's what they are obsessed with, consumed by, and so it's the only thing they can authentically share, even indirectly. Understandable and human, of course. But it snuffs out potential for any kind of authentic connection, save with another person who can relate to that damage enough to find it interesting.

 

People who are moderately mature, multi-dimensional, and emotionally healthy don't really care all that much about looks. It's really that simple. They do care about attraction, but that's going to be unique for everyone. But looks? No. For instance, I've gone out with women who, by any standards, would be considered quite beautiful—model types, actress types. The ones where I get the vibe that they are super insecure about their looks, wondering what I (or the waiter, or the bartender, or...) think and so on? Yawn. Attractive as they may be, at that point all attraction is lost, which you see in even the most shallow-minded of pretty people, since they tend to hopscotch around from pretty thing to pretty thing, getting bored quickly. They too are searching for something deeper, richer—they've just got a mangled compass.

 

My point is: until you find a way out of this mindset you're going to find anything like authentic connection—the thing I think you want—next to impossible because the compass is mangled. To be consumed by surfaces in the way you seem to be and expect someone to want to go deep with you? How on earth could that happen?

 

I don't mean that to sound critical—I'm on your side here, and my gut tells me you're a pretty awesome woman who has found herself stuck in a very destructive mental loop. Your own depths are neglected, begging for nourishment. That nourishment is not going to come from a man. Maybe it starts with a therapist, and maybe a new one, but also? I would make it a point, at least once a week, to do something that is just for you. Might feel forced, at first, as getting back into anything does. Still, do it. A walk on the beach, a paddle out into the waves—I recall you also surf? Something, anything, that will broaden what's consuming you right now. It will change who you allow into your orbit, who is drawn to you, and who you are drawn to. It will change the tenor of these early dates, and perhaps your attitude about both connection and yourself.

[boltnrun]

You seriously think your therapist would say that?

 

What's the point of going to a therapist if you're going to hide things from them? How is that going to help you?

 

No wonder your therapist hasn't helped much, you're not telling him/her the truth!

[Batya33]

I like BC's take on conversation topics but I'll add there is nothing wrong with rehearsing in advance topics to bring up. One time that meant reading the sports pages because we met shortly before or after New Years and he was a huge college football fan. Another time it meant reading up on current events or the type of industry/profession he was in -and I wasn't fake about it - I only had the knowledge so I was prepared to talk about it and sure I told the sports guy I'd read up on it (this was a suggestion from a male friend of mine).

 

It's really important that the person you are with is well rounded and that you are too especially on a first meet so that it isn't too heavily laden with the "singles scene" or "woe is me it's so hard out there". On our second first date, my future husband and I came up with a unique twist on the holiday photo cards that are basically "see how cute our dogs and kids are" (we've since slightly modified that opinion) so that they could include more accomplishments than "see! we procreated!!". On our first date in the 1990s my husband asked me a very pointed and interesting question about why I chose my career. It was really important to him to know why but it also showed me he actually wanted to know interesting things about me. And he didn't realize there was a huge back story which I guess he enjoyed lol.

 

So i don't think it has to be autopilot where an inordinate focus on being single and unhappily single will rule the day or the date -but yes I agree that most healthy people look for someone who likes to talk and listen about a variety of topics (theater, travel and books are some of my favorites).

[Wiseman2]

Get to a doctor MD for a complete evaluation and a referral to a new therapist who specializes in Body Dysmorphic Disorder to rule that out or get it appropriately treated. Either way you are unhappy with dating, your therapist, your looks, etc so some appropriate support would help you.

 

Read up on it: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/body-dysmorphic-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20353938

 

i did read that link and have all of the symptoms. I'm scared to mention it to a therapist Incase she says " no you don't have that, you are just unattractive"

[Boo1986]

The impression I get reading this thread, and others, is that your main interests and obsessions—the things consuming your mind and spirit these days—are your looks, how bad they are, what men think about you, why men either like you only for this or that. This is, being frank, tedious subject matter to discuss with a stranger—or, really, with anyone. It's a bit like going on a date with someone who is severely hung up about an ex: the energy is weird from the start, and, soon enough, out come the hiccups. Instead of talking about books or hikes, you're hearing about how awful he was, how hard the breakup was, and so on. It's what they are obsessed with, consumed by, and so it's the only thing they can authentically share, even indirectly. Understandable and human, of course. But it snuffs out potential for any kind of authentic connection, save with another person who can relate to that damage enough to find it interesting.

 

People who are moderately mature, multi-dimensional, and emotionally healthy don't really care all that much about looks. It's really that simple. They do care about attraction, but that's going to be unique for everyone. But looks? No. For instance, I've gone out with women who, by any standards, would be considered quite beautiful—model types, actress types. The ones where I get the vibe that they are super insecure about their looks, wondering what I (or the waiter, or the bartender, or...) think and so on? Yawn. Attractive as they may be, at that point all attraction is lost, which you see in even the most shallow-minded of pretty people, since they tend to hopscotch around from pretty thing to pretty thing, getting bored quickly. They too are searching for something deeper, richer—they've just got a mangled compass.

 

My point is: until you find a way out of this mindset you're going to find anything like authentic connection—the thing I think you want—next to impossible because the compass is mangled. To be consumed by surfaces in the way you seem to be and expect someone to want to go deep with you? How on earth could that happen?

 

I don't mean that to sound critical—I'm on your side here, and my gut tells me you're a pretty awesome woman who has found herself stuck in a very destructive mental loop. Your own depths are neglected, begging for nourishment. That nourishment is not going to come from a man. Maybe it starts with a therapist, and maybe a new one, but also? I would make it a point, at least once a week, to do something that is just for you. Might feel forced, at first, as getting back into anything does. Still, do it. A walk on the beach, a paddle out into the waves—I recall you also surf? Something, anything, that will broaden what's consuming you right now. It will change who you allow into your orbit, who is drawn to you, and who you are drawn to. It will change the tenor of these early dates, and perhaps your attitude about both connection and yourself.

 

Hi, thanks for the feedback. I just want to make it clear my preoccupation with my looks is secretive to potential dates and ppl I go on dates with. I never ever ask them if they think I'm attractive or ugly etc ever. I act like a normal person and discuss normal topics such as travel, food, funny experiences etc it always usually carefree and fun conversation.

I know my compass is mangled completely. I'm just so frustrated at myself, I feel like what i want is attainable but at the same time so unattainable at the same time. I always do stuff for me, this week I've been surfing. Caught up with three groups of friends, been to the markets, been to the beach, caught up with family, so I do keep living my life.

[Batya33]

Hi, thanks for the feedback. I just want to make it clear my preoccupation with my looks is secretive to potential dates and ppl I go on dates with. I never ever ask them if they think I'm attractive or ugly etc ever. I act like a normal person and discuss normal topics such as travel, food, funny experiences etc it always usually carefree and fun conversation.

I know my compass is mangled completely. I'm just so frustrated at myself, I feel like what i want is attainable but at the same time so unattainable at the same time. I always do stuff for me, this week I've been surfing. Caught up with three groups of friends, been to the markets, been to the beach, caught up with family, so I do keep living my life.

 

I'm glad you're keeping busy. Finding the right match is easy for some, sort of easy for others, challenging for others. Not guaranteed at all. I think you're mostly getting in your own way and I see you changing your attitude and perspective - cool!

[Wiseman2]

You may think it doesn't effect your dating, but clearly it does. It would be a good idea to separate your dating experiences from the obsession. Keep in mind many people have one and done dates and find online dating frustrating. However, see a doctor to get evaluated so you can start feeling better in general.

I just want to make it clear my preoccupation with my looks is secretive to potential dates and ppl I go on dates with. I never ever ask them if they think I'm attractive or ugly etc ever. I act like a normal person and discuss normal topics such as travel, food, funny experiences etc it always usually carefree and fun conversation.

[Boo1986]

You may think it doesn't effect your dating, but clearly it does. It would be a good idea to separate your dating experiences from the obsession. Keep in mind many people have one and done dates and find online dating frustrating. However, see a doctor to get evaluated so you can start feeling better in general.

 

Yeh that is true I will have to keep that in mind for future dates, and I'm sure that will reduce the anxiety. This one just threw me alot because its like he changed into a different person overnight and confused me alot, but I have accepted it and have learnt my behaviour can also be confusing, so next time I will be impeccable with my word and not react out of anxiety. I will discuss with my dr/counsellor next appt. Thank you.

[Boo1986]

I'm glad you're keeping busy. Finding the right match is easy for some, sort of easy for others, challenging for others. Not guaranteed at all. I think you're mostly getting in your own way and I see you changing your attitude and perspective - cool!

 

Thanks, yes I'm putting in the work, i do not want to be in the same position in the same mindset in a year or so, I know i have lots to offer as you said maybe just more difficult for some to find that match but itll be worth it!

[Batya33]

Thanks, yes I'm putting in the work, i do not want to be in the same position in the same mindset in a year or so, I know i have lots to offer as you said maybe just more difficult for some to find that match but itll be worth it!

 

Yes of course you have a lot to offer the right person and offer whatever that is to those in your life who deserve it whether or not they are potential romantic partners.