Boo1986 Posted January 7, 2020 Author Share Posted January 7, 2020 So for me there's a difference between parts to like and parts not to like and whether your values are compatible with his. I'll give you an example from the past so you know what I mean. In my early 20s I met a guy through a personal ad. We dated for a few years and actually got engaged. I was kind of naive and desperate to be married and he was Mr. Right on Paper. I was in college and was a student teacher in an inner city school. I was so passionate about my work there - I loved my students, I was so invested in trying to contribute. He knew this. The lead teacher let me be in the class photo. I showed it proudly to my boyfriend since he'd never seen the students. The very first thing he said was "look! there's one white kid!". (the class was all minority, we are white). That was his impulsive, initial reaction to his first time seeing a class of children I'd helped teach for 3 months. I wanted to throw up. No, I didn't end things then. But I never forgot. We laughed tons together, we had so much in common. This was over 30 years ago and had I been more mature I would have realized our core values were misaligned if he could say such a thing. Do you really want to be with a person who objectifies women to the extent that he wants to share with you - someone he's trying to impress -that he was charitable enough to let an obese woman chase him and have the benefit of dating him?? Thanks, that made me really think about it and the answer is no. Not that he is even interested in me but I did think about how id feel if I had to hypothetically introduce him to my friends and family and i would not be very proud, not due to his looks but as you said his values are vastly different to mine and we are a total mismatch. Thank you for providing the example :) Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 Thanks, that made me really think about it and the answer is no. Not that he is even interested in me but I did think about how id feel if I had to hypothetically introduce him to my friends and family and i would not be very proud, not due to his looks but as you said his values are vastly different to mine and we are a total mismatch. Thank you for providing the example :) Does being with someone who has handsome physical features make you feel "proud" to be with that person? Link to comment
Boo1986 Posted January 7, 2020 Author Share Posted January 7, 2020 Does being with someone who has handsome physical features make you feel "proud" to be with that person? Only if they had a good personality too match! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 Only if they had a good personality too match! Right so I would consider that this is one thing holding you back - you value looks beyond chemistry. Meaning you want arm candy- you want your partner to be a handsome/hot looking person to inspire you to feel proud to be with him. That severely limits your dating pool. Meaning, I can be attracted to men who are not conventionally attractive, who very few people would find attractive looking, and yet the chemistry is there and that's all that matters to me. As far as pride in appearance -yes I want my partner to be clean, dressed appropriately, carry himself with confidence, have pleasant body language/energy. I don't give a darn if anyone else thinks he is cute/handsome/hot. I cared about that a lot in my teen and early 20s. Which was too bad for me -glad I got over it. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 One of the most attractive men I've ever met was short, had long hair (something I'm not really into), hairy legs, zero fashion sense...but oh man, his brain! Sharp, witty, quick...this guy was amazing! I don't care about his appearance. You, however, seem abnormally fixated on looks. Mainly your own. Assuming a man doesn't like you because he didn't think you're pretty. What's the root of that fixation? Link to comment
Boo1986 Posted January 7, 2020 Author Share Posted January 7, 2020 Right so I would consider that this is one thing holding you back - you value looks beyond chemistry. Meaning you want arm candy- you want your partner to be a handsome/hot looking person to inspire you to feel proud to be with him. That severely limits your dating pool. Meaning, I can be attracted to men who are not conventionally attractive, who very few people would find attractive looking, and yet the chemistry is there and that's all that matters to me. As far as pride in appearance -yes I want my partner to be clean, dressed appropriately, carry himself with confidence, have pleasant body language/energy. I don't give a darn if anyone else thinks he is cute/handsome/hot. I cared about that a lot in my teen and early 20s. Which was too bad for me -glad I got over it. No way, i mean if I got a long with some one and they happened to be super attractive of course I'd be proud of that, but that would just be an added bonus. The last few guys I've met up with definitely wasn't for there looks. My two ex b fs that were classically attractive didn't have much else going for them (career wide, ambition wise) and had major insecurity issues and I realised I'd much rather someone the opposite. I am attracted to someone's personality first and foremost and believe the attraction can grow from there. Link to comment
Boo1986 Posted January 7, 2020 Author Share Posted January 7, 2020 One of the most attractive men I've ever met was short, had long hair (something I'm not really into), hairy legs, zero fashion sense...but oh man, his brain! Sharp, witty, quick...this guy was amazing! I don't care about his appearance. You, however, seem abnormally fixated on looks. Mainly your own. Assuming a man doesn't like you because he didn't think you're pretty. What's the root of that fixation? I get that and can relate! I also thibk attraction comes from the inside. I just always hear ppl say women are more attracted to personality and men are visual creatures and will marry someone cuz "they are pretty" and i know not all men are like this but some are. I dont know where the root of this came from. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 I get that and can relate! I also thibk attraction comes from the inside. I just always hear ppl say women are more attracted to personality and men are visual creatures and will marry someone cuz "they are pretty" and i know not all men are like this but some are. I dont know where the root of this came from. Who are these "ppl" you hear say that? Link to comment
Boo1986 Posted January 7, 2020 Author Share Posted January 7, 2020 Who are these "ppl" you hear say that? Guys i work with, guys on online dating sites, often if I'm with male friends and one has a new date the first and only question is "is she hot?", podcasts... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 8, 2020 Share Posted January 8, 2020 No way, i mean if I got a long with some one and they happened to be super attractive of course I'd be proud of that, but that would just be an added bonus. The last few guys I've met up with definitely wasn't for there looks. My two ex b fs that were classically attractive didn't have much else going for them (career wide, ambition wise) and had major insecurity issues and I realised I'd much rather someone the opposite. I am attracted to someone's personality first and foremost and believe the attraction can grow from there. Why would you be proud of being with someone who was super attractive?? What did that person do to be super attractive that warrants your pride in that aspect of the person?? Despite your comments about personality if you would be proud of being with someone who was "super attractive" then my strong sense is that plus your other fixation on looks is really getting in your own way and limiting your dating pool. I would be uncomfortable (but not a dealbreaker) dating someone or being involved with someone who would be proud to be with someone based even partly on their physical features. Link to comment
Boo1986 Posted January 8, 2020 Author Share Posted January 8, 2020 Why would you be proud of being with someone who was super attractive?? What did that person do to be super attractive that warrants your pride in that aspect of the person?? Despite your comments about personality if you would be proud of being with someone who was "super attractive" then my strong sense is that plus your other fixation on looks is really getting in your own way and limiting your dating pool. I would be uncomfortable (but not a dealbreaker) dating someone or being involved with someone who would be proud to be with someone based even partly on their physical features. Well I would like someone who takes pride in there appearance and would feel more proud then walking down the street with someone who dressed scruffy and unkempt. I dont go for people based on looks alone at all, but i have to find something about them physically attractive and cant revolt at the thought of kissing them etc. I dont think my fixation of what they look like is limiting me, more so worried they care what i look like. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 8, 2020 Share Posted January 8, 2020 Well I would like someone who takes pride in there appearance and would feel more proud then walking down the street with someone who dressed scruffy and unkempt. I dont go for people based on looks alone at all, but i have to find something about them physically attractive and cant revolt at the thought of kissing them etc. I dont think my fixation of what they look like is limiting me, more so worried they care what i look like. I agree. You said something very very different. You said that if the guy is super attractive that would inspire pride in you -you would be proud to be with him because he is super attractive. I wrote above that I also want to be with someone who dresses appropriately and is clean and carries himself well. But that is not what you wrote. At all. Of course physical attraction is essential. Very often it has nothing much to do at all with whether the person is objectively attractive or whether anyone else would find him attractive. My husband is short. So for many women he'd be out of the running in the "looks" department. I couldn't care less. Actually I do care because I happened to be attracted to men who were shorter than average. Which increased the dating pool for me. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 8, 2020 Share Posted January 8, 2020 Why do you interrogate them before meeting, during the meet then frequently cancel, stand them up or ghost if you know what you want? Instead of this description you seem to only agree to meeting weirdos losers and guys you're not attracted to. Is this like a popularity game for you? You get online, ask about your looks, your photo, do you look like your photo, etc. Why? Are you just using dating apps as sort of entertainment? This has nothing to do with scruffy vs good looking. You don't even want a date or bf or relationship. This has to do with using dating sites to weirdly reaffirm that you're attractive. If they mention it, you ghost. Score! This is a topic that would be a good thing to sort out with your therapist.I would like someone who . more so worried they care what i look like. Link to comment
Boo1986 Posted January 8, 2020 Author Share Posted January 8, 2020 Why do you interrogate them before meeting, during the meet then frequently cancel, stand them up or ghost if you know what you want? Instead of this description you seem to only agree to meeting weirdos losers and guys you're not attracted to. Is this like a popularity game for you? You get online, ask about your looks, your photo, do you look like your photo, etc. Why? Are you just using dating apps as sort of entertainment? This has nothing to do with scruffy vs good looking. You don't even want a date or bf or relationship. This has to do with using dating sites to weirdly reaffirm that you're attractive. If they mention it, you ghost. Score! This is a topic that would be a good thing to sort out with your therapist. I never ask about my looks or photos - ever!! When ppl have told me i look like my photo its random and not because of me asking! Its not a game at all. I go for guys im not attracted to because i feel like i might have more of a chance with them but thats not tbe case. I have an appt with my therapist in a few hours so well see what she says Link to comment
bluecastle Posted January 8, 2020 Share Posted January 8, 2020 I go for guys im not attracted to because i feel like i might have more of a chance with them Would you have any interest in any many who said this about you? Who "went for" you because he found you unattractive but thought he'd have "more of a chance"? A guy who, in short, sized you up and decided you were "easy"? If the answer is no, then why go about sizing up men that way? Apart from the fact that attraction is fundamental, you're essentially guaranteeing that you'll be turned off by anyone who is interested in you since your mode of connection is based on a gamey, inauthentic, and borderline cruel assessment of people. Link to comment
Boo1986 Posted January 9, 2020 Author Share Posted January 9, 2020 Would you have any interest in any many who said this about you? Who "went for" you because he found you unattractive but thought he'd have "more of a chance"? A guy who, in short, sized you up and decided you were "easy"? If the answer is no, then why go about sizing up men that way? Apart from the fact that attraction is fundamental, you're essentially guaranteeing that you'll be turned off by anyone who is interested in you since your mode of connection is based on a gamey, inauthentic, and borderline cruel assessment of people. Yes i wouldn't mind if a guy thought that about me, im sure they probably have in the past. But not because im easy in that sense of the word. My logic is I'm not attractive so i dont think going for a physically attractive guy is going to get me very far, if i go for someone who is more weird or conventionally unattractive maybe less women will be interested and may give me more of a chance Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 It sounds like you want pity.i go for someone who is more weird or conventionally unattractive maybe less women will be interested and may give me more of a chance Link to comment
Boo1986 Posted January 9, 2020 Author Share Posted January 9, 2020 I agree. You said something very very different. You said that if the guy is super attractive that would inspire pride in you -you would be proud to be with him because he is super attractive. I wrote above that I also want to be with someone who dresses appropriately and is clean and carries himself well. But that is not what you wrote. At all. Of course physical attraction is essential. Very often it has nothing much to do at all with whether the person is objectively attractive or whether anyone else would find him attractive. My husband is short. So for many women he'd be out of the running in the "looks" department. I couldn't care less. Actually I do care because I happened to be attracted to men who were shorter than average. Which increased the dating pool for me. I guess what I mean to say is that if im attracted to them I would be proud, i dont know. Honestly looks are not high on my list of qualities in a potential partner, asides from as mentioned being clean and not really scruffy and unhygenic Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 I guess what I mean to say is that if im attracted to them I would be proud, i dont know. Honestly looks are not high on my list of qualities in a potential partner, asides from as mentioned being clean and not really scruffy and unhygenic Oh ok so you no longer would be proud with a super attractive looking guy on your arm. I'm not sure what proud has to do with feeling attracted to a person but sure, fine. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 Yes i wouldn't mind if a guy thought that about me, im sure they probably have in the past. But not because im easy in that sense of the word. My logic is I'm not attractive so i dont think going for a physically attractive guy is going to get me very far, if i go for someone who is more weird or conventionally unattractive maybe less women will be interested and may give me more of a chance But again what does physical features have to do with attraction and chemistry -obviously there is "some" connection but I'm hearing from you that you want someone who has physically attractive features. You've never felt attraction for someone who is not conventionally "super attractive" as you put it? Definitely agree that pursuing someone who looks like a male model if you do not look like a female model makes little sense. However you should never ever settle to be with someone you are not attracted to. Two separate thing -you seem to treat them as one. Many men have been attracted to me over the years. But when I committed to someone it didn't matter how many other options I had. So thinking that someone who isn't that attractive might give you more of a chance because he has fewer options makes little sense. A person who thinks that way is basically settling for you. Link to comment
Boo1986 Posted January 17, 2020 Author Share Posted January 17, 2020 But again what does physical features have to do with attraction and chemistry -obviously there is "some" connection but I'm hearing from you that you want someone who has physically attractive features. You've never felt attraction for someone who is not conventionally "super attractive" as you put it? Definitely agree that pursuing someone who looks like a male model if you do not look like a female model makes little sense. However you should never ever settle to be with someone you are not attracted to. Two separate thing -you seem to treat them as one. Many men have been attracted to me over the years. But when I committed to someone it didn't matter how many other options I had. So thinking that someone who isn't that attractive might give you more of a chance because he has fewer options makes little sense. A person who thinks that way is basically settling for you. Ive definetly been attracted to unconventional looking people. Kind of reaffirming my suspicions, the guy i had been talking to for a while and met up with twice, well i asked him if he was happy to stay friends and he said "what do i want" and i said i asked him first but he wanted me to go first and I said nevermind, two days later we are messaging and the topic comes up and he says its better off if we are just friends which i said ok, which I can only assume is because he is not physically attracted to me as he said he really likes talking to me, after he told me he only wanted friendship with me he said has no idea why I would be attracted to him...I'm so sad. After reading all these comments i thought if showed the good side of my personality it would be enough, but i must be really really hideous if he likes my personality but can't get over my looks :( Link to comment
boltnrun Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 What exactly did he say when he said he can't get over your looks? Did he actually say "you're really hideous"? Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 Why did you initiate a friendzoning conversation? If you don't want to date someone simply tell him you are not a match and do not offer to be friends. In effect you are rejecting him. Do not date people and reject them just to make yourself feel better. Your relationship with your mirror is something that only a doctor and therapist can help you sort out. Do not use dating sites as a mirror or beauty contest, then dump them into the friendzone.. I asked him if he was happy to stay friends and he said "what do i want" Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 It's likely not about looks at all. He's not attracted to you. Likely has nothing to do with physical features. Some people click that way and some don't. Dating is tough that way. Link to comment
Boo1986 Posted January 17, 2020 Author Share Posted January 17, 2020 What exactly did he say when he said he can't get over your looks? Did he actually say "you're really hideous"? No he didn't say those words, he said you dont like me i think we are better off friends I like talking to you but don't have the time to give someone attention. So because he said he liked my personality I assume my looks is the deal breaker Link to comment
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