Boo1986 Posted January 3, 2020 Author Share Posted January 3, 2020 Did you think having a casual sex hookup with a stranger would make you feel better? Ive never done it but probably not, i guess i just wanted to feel alive, it wasnt the right way to go about it though. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 Ok get to a doctor and get evaluated for Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Google it. But in the meantime stop using guys on dating sites to feed into this. What do you have to offer personality wise if you grill them about your looks and your obsession with your looks and nothing else? I just feel like i have a major flaw where i repel the opposite sex. then once we meet or sometomes before it all goes downhill. All i want is a guy to see past the exterior and like me for my personality. Link to comment
Boo1986 Posted January 3, 2020 Author Share Posted January 3, 2020 Ok get to a doctor and get evaluated for Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Google it. But in the meantime stop using guys on dating sites to feed into this. What do you have to offer personality wise if you grill them about your looks and your obsession with your looks and nothing else? I have heard of that before, I'm not sure i have it though... i don't ask the guys i meet about my looks or mention it at all, i just assume if they dont like me it is because of my looks or lack of. The latest guy as i mentioned we got along well but assume when we met he wasnt attracted enough. On the other hand i sat at a coffee shop today observing couples and noticied all sorts of people together, some attractive, some not, it was good to see and did give me some hope. I really am going to work on being the best version of myself and hopefully attract someone by just being a positive and nice person. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 Ok get to a doctor and get evaluated for Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Google it. I have heard of that before, I'm not sure i have it though Link to comment
Boo1986 Posted January 3, 2020 Author Share Posted January 3, 2020 Ok get to a doctor and get evaluated for Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Google it. Ok i did just Google, i can relate. I will do that Link to comment
Boo1986 Posted January 3, 2020 Author Share Posted January 3, 2020 Looks are not particularly important - at least not for a significant number of men. Or women. Much more important is to be interesting. Is there something people can talk with you about? Is there something which interest both (or more) of you that you can do together and bond over? It feels like everyone i know first question about someone is "what do they look like, are they hot etc etc". Yes I can talk about a wide range of topics and ask alot of questions because I like finding out about people and listening also. I get along well and always having a laugh with my work colleagues so I dont think im totally incompetent at conversations hence why i think it must be mainly my looks. I guess if someone liked my personality enough the looks thing wouldnt matter as much Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 So I don’t think it’s about being a “positive and nice person” unless you have specifics about what that means to you and the actions you take daily or even hourly to attain those really broad goals. For example we’re at a hotel and I slept poorly so being positive and nice today before 6 am when my son got up was calling it an “accident “ instead of getting overly irritated when he missed the hotel toilet and feeling thankful I brought enough breakfast food with us to avoid a mediocre $5 bagel from downstairs. The more specific you are the better. A random person is likely not going to ask you out again “because she was so positive and nice”. But he might because your eyes sparkled when you answered his question about your work or because you researched his favorite sports team so you could have an intelligent conversation about it (yes I did both those things different guy). He might because you carried yourself with confidence and because you handled the waitresses mess up with grace. I don’t think you’re ready yet to do the work. Because If you were you wouldn’t dream of resorting to casual hookups with a near stranger then chalking it up to “failed again I must be ugly “. Easy way out. And if everyone you know is that focused on looks might be time to meet new people who have more going on. Looks are important. But looks as far as chemistry not as far as “league “. I think my husband is such a cutie. I think he’s even cuter now in his 50s. I’m positive he’s no male model. Or hot in the objective sense. Who cares? And he wasn’t when I met him either. Partly because he’s short so that takes him out of the running for hot I guess. Who cares ? We sure made a handsome kid together lol. Think about what specific work you’re willing to do - or stay in your easier negative comfort zone. Now I get to give my kid Froot Loops which he’s allowed to have on vacation. You can have that dreamy existence too lol good luck. Link to comment
Stdavid Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 I'm no expert on this, but I've always followed a couple of basic rules on dating. For me, the key one is 'don't expect too much' followed closely by 'enjoy what happens.' So when I've talked to people online, I've always said to myself that I'm just going to enjoy a nice chat with someone interesting. If it doesn't go further, then I've not lost anything, I've just spent some fun time talking online. Much as I'm doing now on 'enotalone.' When I got to the stage of wanting to meet someone, I always made a point of booking somewhere nice, with good food. Somewhere I might not have gone out to on my own. That way, when they turned out to be boring as whale , at least I got to enjoy a nice meal. If it went further - great. What sort of things would I like to have a date for? Cinema is great. Seeing it with friends is even better. Seeing it with someone exciting and new is even better. I've only ever allowed myself to really 'expect' anything when I've been with someone for a while. Course, that can still go really ing wrong, which is why I'm on this site over Christmas, but that's another story. As for looks - they both are and aren't that important. There is a kind of physical click you get when you meet someone gorgeous, but most of us can see past that and worry more about personality. What's more of an issue with looks is the lack of long-term self care that tells you someone isnt confident and lacks self respect. If I meet someone and find that they dress badly, have crooked teeth, pock marked skin, hair on the palms of the hands and are morbidly obese - that's a definite warning sign. The other big thing is to show a balance of interest in the other person, and a willingness to be open with them. If you've asked a question, show you've listened by telling them something from your experi nice which relates to that. But don't interrogate them, and don't spend the whole evening talking about yourself, either. Truth is - we all have to work on ourselves if we want to be attractive. Cary Grant deliberately copied the style of other attractive actors until it became natural for him and he became - Cary Grant, most charming man in Hollywood. Very few people are born with incredible confidence and social skills. Ever seen a diamond in its natural form? Looks like dull glass. They need to be polished (but not cut - I'm not saying go for surgery, no no no, stay away from that .) Don't put yourself down. Seriously, that's the last thing you need to do. You sound like a great person. Maybe you just need to polish that diamond a bit more. :-) Link to comment
Boo1986 Posted January 3, 2020 Author Share Posted January 3, 2020 Well, may be you should find someone else to know, someone less shallow. I can't imagine someone's first question about someone else as "are they hot". What are they, 14 years old? "Listening" is not the same as talking! It's important to listen when someone else wants to talk about themselves, but you can't just always listen, or you'll just be forcing the other person do all the work in the conversation. Nobody likes that. You need to lead the conversation at least half the time, unless you are meeting with total Narcissus who loves only the sound of his own voice. Do you have strong and researched opinions of your own on a number of topics? Are there things you know better than other people? Can you speak about those things in such a way that people will listen with interest? Can you argue with people, convince them, bring into your side of the discussion? "Being positive and nice" just doesn't cut it. Let's take this exact thread. For me, the most interesting person here is Batya33. I have no idea how she looks or what's her age, but she has strong opinions that she eloquently presents, supported with examples and personal anecdotes, sprinkled with small jokes and sometimes irony. Now that's hot. I'd totally had sex with her, no matter how she looks (not that she would reciprocate, of course). Can you emulate her style of conversation? It doesn't look like that from your posts in the thread. Do you getting a laugh from people you date with? If not, why not? If yes, why don't they want to meet with you again to laugh at your jokes again? Even if they are not aroused by you, why don't they want to spend time with you? Or... do you mean that you laugh when others laugh, and laugh over their jokes? That's not the same as having a conversation... I listen as well as talk, i think i do ok in the conversation area, its usually equally talking, i do have opinions on things although I've learnt recently not to use the word hate when voicing them. Yes I always get a laugh with people i go on dates woth, hence when they dont want to see me again i feel like it's more like shes got a good personality but shes not hot or attractive. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 Who keeps telling you you are not attractive? You have to get used to the randomness of online dating. Also if they are messaging you, asking to meet and you are getting dates, it's not about your looks. i feel like it's more like shes got a good personality but shes not hot or attractive. Link to comment
Boo1986 Posted January 3, 2020 Author Share Posted January 3, 2020 I guess the thing is before we met and evrn after the first time we met we got along so well and laughed alot, the only thing that could of changed is second time he saw me he decided he wasng attracted anymore or at all in thr first place, but then i get confused because he made a point of saying i look like my photos and no one usually does, and he liked my photos Link to comment
Boo1986 Posted January 3, 2020 Author Share Posted January 3, 2020 Who keeps telling you you are not attractive? You have to get used to the randomness of online dating. Also if they are messaging you, asking to meet and you are getting dates, it's not about your looks. No one has told me that specifically, its in the actions of people, not wanting to meet again, looking for other girls etc. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 One-and-done meets are unfortunately the norm in online dating. Stop dating if you are taking this phenomenon too personally.No one has told me that specifically, its in the actions of people, not wanting to meet again, looking for other girls etc. Link to comment
Lambert Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 I guess the thing is before we met and evrn after the first time we met we got along so well and laughed alot, the only thing that could of changed is second time he saw me he decided he wasng attracted anymore or at all in thr first place, but then i get confused because he made a point of saying i look like my photos and no one usually does, and he liked my photos Lots if good advice here, Boo. I'm sorry you're feeling down. I get it. Dating is hard and everyone and their brother is on line. I have my own theories, too. haha. 1. OLD encourages thoughts of- bigger better deal. Too much choice. Super easy to just go to the next profile. 2. It's so random. Accept that MOST people will not be a match 3. You'll never know the reason. met someone else, not over ex, changed mind because- for any reason, it's you, it's them, they are a killer and you don't even know it, but you've been spared! I'm sure you are attractive enough... I mean come on... Like Wiseman said... If you get dates, you are. the good news is if you can laugh and have fun with him, you can again... with someone WAAAAYYYY better. I've been trying to meet someone lately, too. So I know it's hard... Lots of first dates or messages that go no where. Take heart. Just cause you haven't met the one yet, doesn't mean you won't. keep hope alive... lightening could strike! [emoji8] Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 4, 2020 Share Posted January 4, 2020 I think dating sites are candy stores for everyone but only for about ten minutes for those who are on the site to find a spouse or long term partner. Just like if a serious minded person goes do club med or a bar or a singles event the novelty of so much to choose from wears off quickly. I don’t think dating sites cause anyone to act contrary to their heartfelt goals or values but someone easily swayed might blame a dating site for acting inconsistently. Link to comment
Boo1986 Posted January 4, 2020 Author Share Posted January 4, 2020 Lots if good advice here, Boo. I'm sorry you're feeling down. I get it. Dating is hard and everyone and their brother is on line. I have my own theories, too. haha. 1. OLD encourages thoughts of- bigger better deal. Too much choice. Super easy to just go to the next profile. 2. It's so random. Accept that MOST people will not be a match 3. You'll never know the reason. met someone else, not over ex, changed mind because- for any reason, it's you, it's them, they are a killer and you don't even know it, but you've been spared! I'm sure you are attractive enough... I mean come on... Like Wiseman said... If you get dates, you are. the good news is if you can laugh and have fun with him, you can again... with someone WAAAAYYYY better. I've been trying to meet someone lately, too. So I know it's hard... Lots of first dates or messages that go no where. Take heart. Just cause you haven't met the one yet, doesn't mean you won't. keep hope alive... lightening could strike! [emoji8] Thanks and that is all very true. I think i get in the scarcity mindset, it would be nice to meet some one way better i can laugh with also! He told me all of his exes have been massively obese and pursued him, which is why i thought because we get along good and laugh alot looks must not be a huge thing for him, turns out I was wrong oh wells! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 What a tacky thing to say about the weight of the women who “pursued “ him and arrogant too. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about looks - it means he likes to brag about being pursued and that he gives chances to overweight women. Ick. Link to comment
Boo1986 Posted January 5, 2020 Author Share Posted January 5, 2020 What a tacky thing to say about the weight of the women who “pursued “ him and arrogant too. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about looks - it means he likes to brag about being pursued and that he gives chances to overweight women. Ick. Yeh i agree! Why even mention that, ick! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 So you’ve changed your mind about thinking he was a good catch ? Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 Your strategy of seeking out losers hoping not to be rejected is seriously flawed. It's the losers that do the most harm. Are you concerned with your weight? Is that what this is all about?He told me all of his exes have been massively obese and pursued him, which is why i thought because we get along Link to comment
Boo1986 Posted January 6, 2020 Author Share Posted January 6, 2020 So you’ve changed your mind about thinking he was a good catch ? Some parts of him I like and other parts i dont like, such as the above. Link to comment
Boo1986 Posted January 6, 2020 Author Share Posted January 6, 2020 Your strategy of seeking out losers hoping not to be rejected is seriously flawed. It's the losers that do the most harm. Are you concerned with your weight? Is that what this is all about? No I'm not concerned about my weight at all, that's one thing I thankfully never have to worry about. I dont seek out losers on purpose, i just liked talking to him and found him funny which is the main thing I am attracted too. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 6, 2020 Share Posted January 6, 2020 Some parts of him I like and other parts i dont like, such as the above. So for me there's a difference between parts to like and parts not to like and whether your values are compatible with his. I'll give you an example from the past so you know what I mean. In my early 20s I met a guy through a personal ad. We dated for a few years and actually got engaged. I was kind of naive and desperate to be married and he was Mr. Right on Paper. I was in college and was a student teacher in an inner city school. I was so passionate about my work there - I loved my students, I was so invested in trying to contribute. He knew this. The lead teacher let me be in the class photo. I showed it proudly to my boyfriend since he'd never seen the students. The very first thing he said was "look! there's one white kid!". (the class was all minority, we are white). That was his impulsive, initial reaction to his first time seeing a class of children I'd helped teach for 3 months. I wanted to throw up. No, I didn't end things then. But I never forgot. We laughed tons together, we had so much in common. This was over 30 years ago and had I been more mature I would have realized our core values were misaligned if he could say such a thing. Do you really want to be with a person who objectifies women to the extent that he wants to share with you - someone he's trying to impress -that he was charitable enough to let an obese woman chase him and have the benefit of dating him?? Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 6, 2020 Share Posted January 6, 2020 Then what is the brouhaha about dating app pics then questioning them at meets about your looks? Where is that coming from? Why not talk to friends, family, coworkers people at the clubs and groups you belong to and the places you volunteer? Do you work or go to school? Do you have real life interests and friends? Dating apps are not to provide entertainment. Do not use them if you're not ready to date. I dont seek out losers on purpose, i just liked talking to him and found him funny which is the main thing I am attracted too. Link to comment
Boo1986 Posted January 7, 2020 Author Share Posted January 7, 2020 Then what is the brouhaha about dating app pics then questioning them at meets about your looks? Where is that coming from? Why not talk to friends, family, coworkers people at the clubs and groups you belong to and the places you volunteer? Do you work or go to school? Do you have real life interests and friends? Dating apps are not to provide entertainment. Do not use them if you're not ready to date. As i said i never actually question them about my looks i just internally think it. Yes i work full time, go to two social groups, cycle and surf, have about 5 close friends and also have my own side business. I just want to meet someone special hence going on the dating apps Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.