Boo1986 Posted January 17, 2020 Author Share Posted January 17, 2020 Why did you initiate a friendzoning conversation? If you don't want to date someone simply tell him you are not a match and do not offer to be friends. In effect you are rejecting him. Do not date people and reject them just to make yourself feel better. Your relationship with your mirror is something that only a doctor and therapist can help you sort out. Do not use dating sites as a mirror or beauty contest, then dump them into the friendzone.. Because I liked him but didn't know where i stood, I didn't want to waste another month talking to him while he's away if hes talking to other women etc. He is the one that decided yes let's be friends so he rejected me, then went on to ask if I find him attractive, to which i replied its irrelevant now. Link to comment
Boo1986 Posted January 17, 2020 Author Share Posted January 17, 2020 It's likely not about looks at all. He's not attracted to you. Likely has nothing to do with physical features. Some people click that way and some don't. Dating is tough that way. It's so tough :( Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 It's so tough :( It is but it's worth it if you're looking for the right person. Link to comment
Boo1986 Posted January 17, 2020 Author Share Posted January 17, 2020 It is but it's worth it if you're looking for the right person. Yeh its tempting to give up but i just have to remind myself giving up will gaurantee I'm alone, may as well keep trying. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 Yeh its tempting to give up but i just have to remind myself giving up will gaurantee I'm alone, may as well keep trying. Well no - you're not alone just because you're single . You're just a person who doesn't have a significant other right now. Link to comment
Boo1986 Posted January 18, 2020 Author Share Posted January 18, 2020 Well no - you're not alone just because you're single . You're just a person who doesn't have a significant other right now. I just don't think i will ever understand the opposite sex Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 18, 2020 Share Posted January 18, 2020 I just don't think i will ever understand the opposite sex That's kind of self-defeating and you don't have to understand a whole category. You just have to find a person you click with -and you are heterosexual so that will be a man. I don't understand the entire opposite sex either. Why would I? Link to comment
Boo1986 Posted January 18, 2020 Author Share Posted January 18, 2020 That's kind of self-defeating and you don't have to understand a whole category. You just have to find a person you click with -and you are heterosexual so that will be a man. I don't understand the entire opposite sex either. Why would I? I know but i thought when someone rings and messages everyday it means they like you, then the sudden change I dont really understand it, then asking me if i find him unattractive when hes the one that just friendzoned me. And I'm kind of annoyed at my counsellor for saying she can assure me guys I meet will like me initially, when that doesn't seem to be the case at all. Honestly I do feel defeated Link to comment
boltnrun Posted January 18, 2020 Share Posted January 18, 2020 So you assume since he wants to be friends it's because you're "really, really hideous"? Do you understand how unhealthy your mindset is? You've posted about how ugly you think you are several times. What are you doing to try to change your self perception? Link to comment
Boo1986 Posted January 18, 2020 Author Share Posted January 18, 2020 So you assume since he wants to be friends it's because you're "really, really hideous"? Do you understand how unhealthy your mindset is? You've posted about how ugly you think you are several times. What are you doing to try to change your self perception? Well if he said he likes my personality and likes talking to me that is the only other thing I can think of. Yes thats because i think i am. To change my perception I try to work on my personality and character more and hope someone will look beneath the surface and see past my exterior. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted January 18, 2020 Share Posted January 18, 2020 Well if he said he likes my personality and likes talking to me that is the only other thing I can think of. Yes thats because i think i am. To change my perception I try to work on my personality and character more and hope someone will look beneath the surface and see past my exterior. In what ways are you "working on" your negative self perception? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 18, 2020 Share Posted January 18, 2020 I would simply believe that if you are positive in your actions and body language and energy and have a good attitude and are proactive in searching for a healthy relationship you will attract and click with someone who is a good match for you. Link to comment
Boo1986 Posted January 18, 2020 Author Share Posted January 18, 2020 In what ways are you "working on" your negative self perception? Yes I feel better if I know i was nice and myself and didn't do self sabotaging behaviour. I literally cant change my face but i can change my actions. Everyone says confidence is attractive so I'm working on that. Link to comment
Boo1986 Posted January 18, 2020 Author Share Posted January 18, 2020 I would simply believe that if you are positive in your actions and body language and energy and have a good attitude and are proactive in searching for a healthy relationship you will attract and click with someone who is a good match for you. Ok that sounds relatively straight forward and easy... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 18, 2020 Share Posted January 18, 2020 Ok that sounds relatively straight forward and easy... Might sound but no it's not easy. At all. Sure maybe for some people -there are always exceptions. I worked my behind off to become the right person to find the right person. And telling yourself you're ugly so that you have to find someone who will look beyond your ugliness is just plain silly. And you know it is - but it's a good excuse to do nothing. If you were being sarcastic it got lost in the typing, sorry. It's about finding someone who you share common values, standards and goals with, compatible senses of humor, stuff in common and "friendship caught on fire" -chemistry. Would you really want to marry someone who you knew believed "I fell in love with her despite how ugly she looks because I was able to see beyond her ugliness". Ick. No -you want someone who finds you attractive, the end. Yes, for most people that includes to some extent finding your physical features attractive. Many would not date my husband because he is short. That physical feature of his would be a dealbreaker and turn off. For me it wasn't at all and in fact I preferred men who were shorter than average. Many would probably not date me because I'm not large breasted. For example. Shallow? Sure I guess so. Part of dating can be superficial and shallow. That's life. I didn't let it get me down or have some pity party about how I hoped a man could look past my non-well endowed figure and see how intelligent and sweet I was. Why would you want anyone to have to look past that - sure, we all value certain things about our partner more than others. Sure we can't stand certain habits of our partners. But no you don't want someone who is doing you a favor by being with you out of the goodness of his heart. Please. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted January 18, 2020 Share Posted January 18, 2020 I'm middle aged and I have grey hair that won't stay in place and I wear almost no makeup. And my job requires me to wear sweat pants and sweat shirts or workout gear. And the young whippersnappers at work flirt with me! I doubt it's because they think I'm a hottie or a beauty queen. It's because I think I'm a pretty darn cool individual and it shows. And if some man I like doesn't ask me out my go to is NOT "Well, gee golly, I sure am hideous! That must be why he HATES me!!!" Nope, I think "plenty more where he came from". You don't need to work on developing your personality (although it's certainly a good thing). You need to work on how you automatically go to "I'm really, really HIDEOUS!" just because some guy you barely know decided to be friends. I recommend therapy but I'm not sure you'll go. Link to comment
Boo1986 Posted January 18, 2020 Author Share Posted January 18, 2020 Might sound but no it's not easy. At all. Sure maybe for some people -there are always exceptions. I worked my behind off to become the right person to find the right person. And telling yourself you're ugly so that you have to find someone who will look beyond your ugliness is just plain silly. And you know it is - but it's a good excuse to do nothing. If you were being sarcastic it got lost in the typing, sorry. It's about finding someone who you share common values, standards and goals with, compatible senses of humor, stuff in common and "friendship caught on fire" -chemistry. Would you really want to marry someone who you knew believed "I fell in love with her despite how ugly she looks because I was able to see beyond her ugliness". Ick. No -you want someone who finds you attractive, the end. Yes, for most people that includes to some extent finding your physical features attractive. Many would not date my husband because he is short. That physical feature of his would be a dealbreaker and turn off. For me it wasn't at all and in fact I preferred men who were shorter than average. Many would probably not date me because I'm not large breasted. For example. Shallow? Sure I guess so. Part of dating can be superficial and shallow. That's life. I didn't let it get me down or have some pity party about how I hoped a man could look past my non-well endowed figure and see how intelligent and sweet I was. Why would you want anyone to have to look past that - sure, we all value certain things about our partner more than others. Sure we can't stand certain habits of our partners. But no you don't want someone who is doing you a favor by being with you out of the goodness of his heart. Please. I am prepared to work hard, just at this moment feeling a bit sorry for myself. And no i wasn't being sarcastic, and yes I guess i dont want to be with someone who thinks I am in fact ugly, i want to be with someone who likes my personality so that to them I'm attractive and not the other way around. Link to comment
Boo1986 Posted January 18, 2020 Author Share Posted January 18, 2020 I'm middle aged and I have grey hair that won't stay in place and I wear almost no makeup. And my job requires me to wear sweat pants and sweat shirts or workout gear. And the young whippersnappers at work flirt with me! I doubt it's because they think I'm a hottie or a beauty queen. It's because I think I'm a pretty darn cool individual and it shows. And if some man I like doesn't ask me out my go to is NOT "Well, gee golly, I sure am hideous! That must be why he HATES me!!!" Nope, I think "plenty more where he came from". You don't need to work on developing your personality (although it's certainly a good thing). You need to work on how you automatically go to "I'm really, really HIDEOUS!" just because some guy you barely know decided to be friends. I recommend therapy but I'm not sure you'll go. I do go to therapy but it doesn't seem to help very much. Yes I know if i work on my personality more itll increase my chances, I'm just quiet shy and reserved when meeting new ppl or in big groups. My main reason I jumped to that conclusion is because he said he liked my personality, i just don't know why it changed suddenly, and then when he was asking if i thought he was attractive it must be because he doesn't think i am Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 18, 2020 Share Posted January 18, 2020 I am prepared to work hard, just at this moment feeling a bit sorry for myself. And no i wasn't being sarcastic, and yes I guess i dont want to be with someone who thinks I am in fact ugly, i want to be with someone who likes my personality so that to them I'm attractive and not the other way around. I would give yourself time constraints for pity parties -like 5-10 minutes daily so you're more mindful of it and not indulging in reacting to a constant stream of self-imposed negativity. I think it's great if someone is attracted to your personality! Physical attraction is essential too and I agree with boltnrun that it's about sparkle and carrying yourself with confidence. Her story reminded me of when I was 8 months pregnant and wearing an engagement ring and I swear this cute guy in line behind me for popcorn at a movie theater started being flirtatious, chatting me up. So I turned in profile so he'd see the ring and the belly. I was around 140 pounds then and 5"2. Nope -didn't deter him. Also happened around that time at a party -same situation and the guy cyberstalked me and friended me the next day on Facebook. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 18, 2020 Share Posted January 18, 2020 Don't blame him, when it's a constant theme. Your looks. Get to a doctor MD for a complete evaluation and a referral to a new therapist who specializes in Body Dysmorphic Disorder to rule that out or get it appropriately treated. Either way you are unhappy with dating, your therapist, your looks, etc so some appropriate support would help you. Read up on it: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/body-dysmorphic-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20353938 because he said he liked my personality............ Link to comment
Lambert Posted January 18, 2020 Share Posted January 18, 2020 In reading your responses, it seems like you have decided for yourself that you don't have a lot to offer a mate. And I think that could be crux of the problem because with all this advice, you keep going back to reasons why you are single. first it's your looks and they aren't good enough. Then it's you're shy and can't handle groups, you go to therapy but it doesn't work. When are you going to take ownership of your own life? looks and personality are subjective. of course there are types that get a lot of attention etc, but at the end of the day, it's about what you share with another person. and it's a mix of attraction, personality, interests, goals, values.... You don't have to be any one thing, but you do need to get your act together in some respect and have some self worth. What do you offer? Why does someone want to be with you? It's not what you lack (no one is perfect) but instead what you have. start there and build on that. If this therapist isn't working, shop around for another... Link to comment
Boo1986 Posted January 18, 2020 Author Share Posted January 18, 2020 I would give yourself time constraints for pity parties -like 5-10 minutes daily so you're more mindful of it and not indulging in reacting to a constant stream of self-imposed negativity. I think it's great if someone is attracted to your personality! Physical attraction is essential too and I agree with boltnrun that it's about sparkle and carrying yourself with confidence. Her story reminded me of when I was 8 months pregnant and wearing an engagement ring and I swear this cute guy in line behind me for popcorn at a movie theater started being flirtatious, chatting me up. So I turned in profile so he'd see the ring and the belly. I was around 140 pounds then and 5"2. Nope -didn't deter him. Also happened around that time at a party -same situation and the guy cyberstalked me and friended me the next day on Facebook. It must be nice to feel wanted like that. I dont mope too much, told three friends about it today which helped to get it off my chest. I guess i can take away that he liked my personality which is a compliment, just need to find someone who likes both Link to comment
Boo1986 Posted January 18, 2020 Author Share Posted January 18, 2020 Don't blame him, when it's a constant theme. Your looks. Get to a doctor MD for a complete evaluation and a referral to a new therapist who specializes in Body Dysmorphic Disorder to rule that out or get it appropriately treated. Either way you are unhappy with dating, your therapist, your looks, etc so some appropriate support would help you. Read up on it: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/body-dysmorphic-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20353938 Thanks, i did read that link and have all of the symptoms however I think someone who is "ugly" would also have those symptoms. I'm scared to mention it to a therapist Incase she says " no you don't have that, you are just unattractive" or do they just help you deal in not putting all your worth in your looks whether you have it or not, because than I would be interested in mentioning it. Link to comment
Boo1986 Posted January 18, 2020 Author Share Posted January 18, 2020 In reading your responses, it seems like you have decided for yourself that you don't have a lot to offer a mate. And I think that could be crux of the problem because with all this advice, you keep going back to reasons why you are single. first it's your looks and they aren't good enough. Then it's you're shy and can't handle groups, you go to therapy but it doesn't work. When are you going to take ownership of your own life? looks and personality are subjective. of course there are types that get a lot of attention etc, but at the end of the day, it's about what you share with another person. and it's a mix of attraction, personality, interests, goals, values.... You don't have to be any one thing, but you do need to get your act together in some respect and have some self worth. What do you offer? Why does someone want to be with you? It's not what you lack (no one is perfect) but instead what you have. start there and build on that. If this therapist isn't working, shop around for another... Yeh I think its a mixture of both things, being shy Nd unattractive. But in saying that i know i do have alot of love to give and could make good partner for the right guy, as I have in the past. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 18, 2020 Share Posted January 18, 2020 It must be nice to feel wanted like that. I dont mope too much, told three friends about it today which helped to get it off my chest. I guess i can take away that he liked my personality which is a compliment, just need to find someone who likes both Well no I wouldn't put much stock in a near stranger who liked my personality - sure it's "positive" but I don't think that's a productive path for you -to hang onto those kinds of general compliments from near strangers. I also would limit venting to friends because it gets old really fast - be really selective about that IMO. Instead of "I have a lot of love to give" -which is sweet but kind of vague - I would focus on what specifically you like to do, what specifically you like to contribute to friendships and romantic relationships because loving is giving. It's also a feeling but the giving part is much more important -and the specifics of the giving not "I have a lot of love to give" - I mean wouldn't most people say that about themselves? I would glaze over a profile that said that -it's so trite and overused. Get specific -put yourself to the test of what specifically you like to give, what you're good at giving. For example one of my new friends recently told me "you're a good listener because you ask good follow up questions". That was really helpful and lovely to hear because I really work on my listening skills! When I was dating I was on the phone with a potential first meet. I had "call waiting" -I know old school -it was this guy I'd met once or twice who I really liked but who had basically not called in a long time. His voicemail was something like "I wanted to talk to you and explain to you why I hadn't called you again". I thought about it and since he was a near stranger I didn't bother calling him. I knew I hadn't offended him in any way so unless i needed to apologize why bother getting feedback from a stranger? It's silly to think a therapist would tell you you are unattractive. A therapist might have you explore - whether you need to lose weight, whether you're deliberately making yourself unattractive like by not showering enough, keeping your hair unkempt/messy/wearing inappropriate clothing, etc. But no a therapist is not going to tell you you're ugly. Link to comment
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