I don't agree with the NC concept

[Mun]

I think if they want to come back they will find a way to contact you. And if you have been doing NC, then chances are you will be healthier emotionally and can talk without obsessing or pleading and begging--which is what some of us do right after the break up .

 

NC is about YOU... not about the other person. If you are out of control, texting, messaging, pleading (stalking?)...then you have to put some space between you and the ex. It's a good way of keeping your dignity--you don't want to regret that 2am drive by (with the headlights off), or a couple of drunken phone calls at midnight.

 

Often times the side effect is that when you go away (NC) the other person is forced to face whatever it is that drove her away. Sometimes they realize it wasn't you but them...but if you are still hanging around it's too easy to just keep blaming you and never fix what was wrong to begin with.

 

If you are a person that doesn't need NC, then that's great. Some people are really emotionally healthy, objective, and unscathed when he says " It's over ." For the rest of us ...NC until we feel better about ourselves.

[sbrew21]

No Contact is a chance for you to realize its not meant to be and not giving yourself a false hope. If it doesn't work out the first time it most likely isn't going to work out the second.

[coasty]

Absolutely. It made me realize that I do love my ex... but I wasn't in love with him. So it goes both ways. I guess the hardest part would be if you were the one getting dumped, you'd want to have hopes of getting back together... I haven't been on both sides, I've always been the one to break it off so I don't know how it feels. But I can tell you it is really hard to do something when you know it's best but you don't want to hurt anyone.

 

This is exactly how I feel right now. I just started NC with my BF. We haven't officially broken things off, but I told him I need time and space to figure out what I want. I told him I don't think we are right for each other. He thinks we are. He's giving me the space I need. Deep down I believe that I love him, but I'm not in love with him. And it is really hard because I know breaking things off is for the best, but at the same time I don't want to hurt him. Two weeks ago, we talked and he cried and begged me to give him another chance. In the last 2 weeks he's sent me more e-cards than I've ever gotten. It got to be a bit much. I couldn't go through seeing him cry and beg again this time. I communicated the fact that I needed NC time through email. I'm not going to leave him hanging though. If after a couple of weeks to a month, I realize that I really don't want to try to work things out, I will tell him so.

 

Am I just giving him false hope or am I doing the right thing? I don't know.

[allein]

only you know if your giving him false hope. But from what you say, it kind of sounds like you've made up your mind.

[annie24]

Coasty - I don't think that you're leading him on at all. It sounds like it's the right thing to do - if you can't see yourself with him for the rest of your life, it's easier to end things sooner rather than later. It may sting a little at first, but it's better than you two staying together for longer, and then leaving him. I hope things work out for the both of you!

[chai714]

Limited Contact and Strategic planning is what people do when they want to get back with their ex's. These techniques are based on knowledge of peoples behavior. Here a persons intent is to persuade the other person to get back with them by using their knowledge of human behavior. This is extremely hard to do and takes a high degree of control.

 

Day_Walker could not be more right. Learning about human behavior in general, and how the person you want operates is vital in getting them back. I wouldn't use the word "persuade," because you're not directly persuading them, but you are using tactics based on human nature to get them to want you. If your intentions are because you want love, then I see nothing wrong with this whatsoever. He's especially right in saying that most don't have the amount of control it takes, because it is never easy when your emotions are so involved in the entire process.

 

As far as answering SeaBisquit's post though, the purpose of NC is not to work things out. It's to assume things are over and heal. I also believe that after a breakup, NC is the best course of action initially no matter what your intentions are with your ex simply because you're overly emotional to make good decisions regarding whatever tactics you plan on implementing.

[chai714]

RayKay wrote

 

Where I don't think NC is necessary:

 

-Where you DO want to "win" partner back but are in a mentally stable enough space to do so and have learned the "how to's" for it wisely. But even this state only usually comes AFTER at least a PERIOD of NC. Daywalker called this Strategic Planning/Limited Contact.

 

I agree with RayKay on this too. Having mental stability and almost full control over your emotions is important. She's also very right in saying that this control of yourself usually comes AFTER a period of no contact. This period of no contact IS to get a grip on yourself, and to comprehend what has happened. Often times, breakups become blurry and your emotions run wild - this is completely NORMAL. This is what NC is for - experiencing these emotions, comprehending what just happened, and reacting. Generally, it's safer to go through the stages of grief BEFORE you come in contact with your ex again.

 

After you've experienced the stages of grief, you can then learn about human behavior and how it works. Each person will use their own tactics, but I recommend that no matter what you do, you do it out of love. Your goal should be to love them again. If you have bad intentions (such as revenge or to cause them emotional pain), you will only end up hurting your own self esteem. Also note that the your ex owes you nothing, so expect nothing from them and always ask yourself "how would this make him/her feel" before any contact is made again.

[iamonlyhuman]

the heart grows fonder when apart..... ins some cases

[annie24]

Muneca has a good quote that is sometimes in her profile. Something like "distance increases great passions and kills mediocre ones, like the wind fans great fires and puts out candles." Something like that anyways...

[coasty]

Muneca has a good quote that is sometimes in her profile. Something like "distance increases great passions and kills mediocre ones, like the wind fans great fires and puts out candles." Something like that anyways...

 

I like that. I believe it is true.

[ruthlp]

Well I broke up with my boyfriend one week ago.It certainly hurts a bit less when I don't talk to him and take my mind off him for a while. But he really was, and still is, my best friend. I can't just keep him out of my life for a few months then go back to him being my best friend. How could that ever work?I still want to see him, but I won't ask for him back.

 

There's another reason, a much more pathetic one, that I need to talk to him. We both still love each other, neither of us did anything that bad we just argued. So, I thought he'd still miss me almost as much as I miss him but he seems to be getting over me really quickly. Honestly, I just don't want him to forget me

[h_b_k_02]

If you broke up with him, it is his decision whether or not you guys will ever be friends.

 

Most guys, when told that it is over, will cut off the girl eventually, and qite frankly, from personal experience, they are never heard from again.

[mercury25]

I'm only on one week of no-contact with my ex, and most days have been fine for me. At this very moment, it's absolutely KILLING me. I want to hear his voice, want to talk to him. It's so sad. When I hear something funny or interesting, I think to tell him about it. But I'm not allowed to. Technically I broke up with him. But I feel he provoked me. I don't know how I feel about No Contact. I think it's good if you know things are hopeless and you just want to get over it and move on. That's my reason for No Contact. I feel it's hopeless.

[mercury25]

is like this:

 

"Distance is to Love what Wind is to Fire. It extinguishes the small and augments the great."

[mercury25]

Yeah I agree with NapMan. One reason why I am able to do NC (It's only been a week so far, but for some reason i know that I am capable of it long-term; I'm just disciplined that way)...anyway, one reason why I am able to do NC is that I know that I did all I could. I don't have anything that I feel like I should "fix" or have done differently. I was good to him and treated him and the relationship with respect. He didn't want it, and I can't go back repeating to him that I was good to him and the relationship...what's the problem? He's got all the facts and all the circumstances. It's up to him...

[grkn]

Day_Walker could not be more right. Learning about human behavior in general, and how the person you want operates is vital in getting them back. I wouldn't use the word "persuade," because you're not directly persuading them, but you are using tactics based on human nature to get them to want you. If your intentions are because you want love, then I see nothing wrong with this whatsoever. He's especially right in saying that most don't have the amount of control it takes, because it is never easy when your emotions are so involved in the entire process.

 

So where can I learn more about these strategies?

[bstrong2day]

"Something like distance increases great passions and kills mediocre ones, like the wind fans great fires and puts out candles."

 

This is sad because the warm, glowing fire of love continues to burn out of control within me after over a month of NC. Yet my ex fiance called it quits and moved on.

[need2bme]

I wanted to originally go NC, but couldn't. Needed to get some stuff from the apartment and get ready to move to the new contract gig. Whe I am in another state, I will transfer my mail (although she says I don't have to, which is weird) for the time frame I am there. This gives us not contact at all, unless she initiates.

 

One thing I have noticed just today and thought about from reading these posts, is that maybe she has decided we are not right and maybe we aren't. It just feels good to be with someone you have been familiar with and that is all it is. Familiarity. Getting a hug, laughing together, her telling me it is nice that I am here. No "I love you" or "I need you" and isn't that what it should be about?

 

Lastly, as in my case, I think I need NC for now and I KNOW I have stuff to work on. Staying so close, would probably stop me from being me. So, even if I loved her to death and she said, lets make it work, there has to be some time in between.

[Batya33]

If you break up and think you are trying to get back together then time apart is great to let things gel, to see what life is like without each other, to see if you miss the person and how much. At times I think the term "communication" is thrown around as the cure all. In fact, I think sometimes people talk too much in the name of "honesty" when they are doing so to be selfish/self-absorbed and get things off their chest even if it unnecesarily hurts the other person. Being selective and discriminating in what we talk about and when we talk about it is part of loving - loving is giving and by thinking about how the other person will react or if the other person is ready to hear what you have to say even though you "feel like" sharing that is being giving to the other person. Calling someone you broke up with because you miss them or want to talk requires analysis of whether that is also in the best interests of the other person. It isn't always.

[GottaLetItBurn]

I know alot of you are full believers in NC, but I have to disagree. I think communication is important in a breakup even if it's not what you want to hear. To me NC cuts off all chances and hope of ever getting back together. How can you possible work things out without communication?

 

 

That's the point. To cut off all chances, what did you think? It's not to be mistaken as some game you play to win back your ex. It's time apart so your subconscious gets use to the fact that they are not around in your life, then you start to physically get better because you have grown out of thinking about them.

 

If it didn't work the first time it won't work the second time. You can do the break up and get back together a million times, but eventually one of the two will have to accept it. That it's not ever going to work.

 

So many people forget the reason it was over, then they remember only the good memories and think it will be like that when they get back together. Then they do and it's never the sparkling fantasy their imaginations made it out to be.

 

 

NC is so a person can get breathing room to reflect and move on. NOT get back together.

[Jacl]

Im doing no contact to find out the truth... Even if it hurts.

[rmpavlock]

If you are in a relationship with someone, no contact to get the person back is a horrible idea. To me it's manipulative to try that on someone you WANT to be with because you are not being clear about what you want. You just try to control the other person into doing what you want them to do.

 

However, no contact should definitely be used in an actual break up. You definitely need time away from that person to gain clarity over the situation. If you stay in contact(especially if that person is manipulative), everything remains muddled. People should use no contact as a way of getting used to life without someone that wasn't good for them. It gives the person a chance to realize that they will be okay...even better off.

[heartlessromantic]

No contact is about respecting yourself and your partner's wishes. If he/she broke up with you, it is because they have a reason. Whatever that may be, NC is about respecting his/her wishes and respecting yourself enough not to grovel and beg for an extended period of time.

 

The SIDE EFFECT of this is that it may help your partner appreciate you more, but it is not a guarantee, nor should it be the reason you institute NC. NC is NOT about playing games. It is about YOUR OWN emotional health. The psychological effects on your partner are just a side effect, not the end goal.

 

I can say, from personal experience, that NC has worked and is working for me, on both sides of the coin. An ex stepped away after I broke up with her, essentially practicing NC. And to this day, I completely and always will respect her as a great person. We were not quite right for each other but I will always care for her. We are good friends and can talk to each other about almost anything.

 

And in my current situation, I instituted NC after the usual groveling (for about a week) and in a few weeks, she really started to miss me. She still needs space but we can communicate with each other a little bit and I think things MIGHT be looking up, though I try not to be too hopeful.

 

However, in the time I did have apart from her, I started to get over the break up and became emotionally much healthier. Also, I feel that even if we were to get back together, I would be more stable and would be better about breaking old dysfunctional patterns, increasing the chances for a better relationship the next time around.

 

Either way, I'm a winner. That's what NC does for you. It makes YOU stronger. It does sound counter-intuitive, but let's face it, if your relationship was healthy, you wouldn't be on this board. Extreme circumstances require extreme measures.

 

Now, the key to all of this, is to start NC on good terms, so you don't torture yourself with "I should have said one more thing before I stopped contact". If you want to leave the door open for reconciliation, express it with dignity, and then leave him/her alone.

[Jacl]

Exactly. NC clears the air for the true picture. Its like stepping back so you can see reality.