allein

Well, except for the lonliness I am reeling in due to a break up, I love living alone. If you are in a healthy state of mind, it's the best. You don't have to compromise. You can be totally selfish for once in your life. It's nice. But when you are not in a healthy mental state, living alone can feed what ails u.

yes, i'm hurting today. Just like I hurt everyday. What do I want to do? Well, I guess I"ll go rent a video game. It won't take away the hurt, nothing ever does for me. But I'm not going to let it stop me from living. I just live with a broken heart. Oh well. It sux, but what can you do? Nada... just let time run it's course and hopefully it will take the pain away. I've been broken up now almost 1 year and still think of my ex daily. uh boo and uh hiss

my woman broke up with me about a year ago. I still think about her everyday. Love and miss her dearly. But what can I do? I can only keep living, so thats what I what I must do. Then one day, hopefully, I can go a day without thinking about or missing her. Just keep on keepin on. There is nothing else.... work out, hang out with your friends. I'm now bitter, I don't think I'll be in a relationship ever again because of the pain of losing her. It's a very hard life to be a lesbian. Women are not easy to deal with. We are just too emotional and wishy washy... good luck kiddo. Keep your head up, and just keep doing your thing. R

well.... she called again the other day, and I answered. I'm not sure why but I really wanted to talk to her. I was still in bed, her call woke me up. I'm very very sweet in the morning when I first wake up so it was a good time for us to talk because it was too early for me to have my walls up because I had such a good night sleeping. Well, she was shocked I answered. She said she was calling to leave a message. I got a little bit of satisfaction from all of that. Anyway, she was calling to offer me, once again, a ride to or from my surgery coming up next week. I told her no, i'll take the bus. Then she started saying how she missed me. How she wishes we were snuggled together in bed. I acknowledged that I still had those feelings too. But I can't really be around whenever she wants me to be. Anyway, it was a nice conversation. It was good timing for it anyway. Well, I didn't hear a text or anything from her that night and most of the next day and I thought ok, cool, maybe now I'll continue with the NC plan. So thats what I've done. But of course, she still can not tolerate NC. She texted me last night with somethings I did not want to read yet. First text said, " When do u think we could spend some time 2gether " I was a little bit shocked that she asked me that. I did not have answer, so did not respond. She waited like 10 min and then sent another text that has me wondering what the heck is she thinking? if anyone has any insight into this behaviour, help me understand. Her next text said, " OK. thats OK. I know that was putting u on the spot. I'm just puttin that out there. U gotta spell on me? " Um......... huh? I have not responded. Not sure that I will. I just don't know what that really means, and I don't really want to know. I mean, people don't usually say that whole " i'm just puttin that out there " unless they are wanting something, um, i don't know, something. She has me perpelexed and confused more than before. I'm not going to take this bait, but what do you think she is meaning with all of this now? Still just being selfish or interested in getting back together? I'm not sure what to think of her anymore. she seems so confused and conflicted within herself with these last couple of contacts we have had. sorry this was so long. if you read it, thanks.

well... she did it...... she got through to me......... here i am, at my office, my phone rings, i see the number... but i don't recognize it as hers. I just see a local area code and think it's one of my friends. That is the last time that will happen. I will make sure it is NOT her number if I see another local call coming through on my work phone. she's never called my office phone before, ever. Even while together, so it was unexpected. But she won't catch me off guard like that again.... I am angry and hurting now... I answered the phone. She said my name but I didn't recognize her voice because she is sick. so I just said, "yes?" and she said it's me... L******. I said, oh... hi... u ok? I asked her that because her voice. She sounded sad. But she informed me I was sick. She then said "I had no idea I would miss talking to you as much as I am. I had no idea. I guess that's a good thing." I'm not sure why she said that's a good thing. So I said, "well, that's the gamble you take". She said, 'well don't be a stranger ok?' and I didn't say anything but sighed. She said , 'well I guess that answers that'. I said ' I don't want to talk with you because it reminds me of what I've lost' I'm not sure why I said that, I don't think it's even true. I think I just don't want to talk to her because I'm hurt. But whatever. She then said "I told from the beginning that you don't have to lose me completely". I didn't say anything to that but what the heck is that supposed to mean and she's never said that before. I just told her I couldn't talk because I was at work. She said she'd call me on the first after my surgery and I said ,'u don't have to'. She said 'I want to'. That was it. This was last night. Then this morning I was weak and texted her. I said " take care of yourself and feel better soon. I still think of you everyday too ok? Please don't write back. I just wanted to say hi after hearing your voice yesterday" . She did not respond as I requested. But I feel so weak. She just sounded so sad and pathetic and she's been trying so hard to get in touch with me and I've been so cold to ignore her. But it has been necessary. I still love her. I still want her. I don't know why anymore. But I still do. She still has control, but at least she doesn't think she has it. I think after last night, and my text that she will not contact me now until my surgery. I feel like a weak person for texting her, but I had to let her know that I do still think of her because she still thinks of me. Obviously. I don't know. Just feeling low. I miss our relationship………… but I'm not sure why anymore. Is that progress?

Hi Hope, Thanks for checking on me. I'm doing alright. Still sad. Still loving her and still missing her. She has contacted me twice since my last post. On Saturday, she wanted to tell me happy saturday and to let me know, once again, she is not happy with this no talking thing. Then last night I got another text from her that has me a bit confused. it said, " my step mom was sad she didn't get a chance to meet you while she was in town. but she knows that she will have a chance to meet you some time in the future. You are doing a really good job of blocking me out. I think of you every single day. I've been working a lot, but also have been very sick lately. I hope you are taking care of yourself, and I hope you are happy" First of all, step mom will meet me in the future? what is that? huh? what? does that mean some day she wants to be together again? unlikely.... maybe it just means she thinks we'll be good friends someday...... ulikely as well.. what was that about? Then the I think of you everyday comment? what? huh? And lastly, the I hope your happy comment. what? does she believe i am happy because I am successfully ignoring her? I want so bad to respond and tell her I am not happy. I WAS happy when we were together but NOT happy now... however, it's best that she doesn't know that I suppose...... i just don't know. why would she say those things? after that text i'm feeling like, well maybe I should talk to her, maybe she is really missing me and wanting me back. But i don't want to be a fool, so i don't think I will...... any ideas why she keeps texting when she obviously knows i'm ingoring her? This is so hard when i am so in love with her. nothing would make me happier than to have her in my arms.

So, here I am, a few days later and she is still not respecting NC. She is really making this harder then she needs to. On her bday, she texted me later in the night telling me she was getting tattooed.. wishes i was there.... i do not respond of course. Then yesterday morn, she texts again to wish me a good day and to let me know once again that she does not like this 'no talking' thinkg. I do not respond. I wanted to. I wanted to so bad. I wanted to say, well i don't like this whole 'break up' thing, so just deal with it...... but alas, i didn't. I don't know how much longer i can go without at least responding to her. Even tho I shouldn't, I want to tell her I love her... I won't, but I want to so bad.... I miss her so much... I wish she would just leave me alone! i've been pretty sad the past few days

I agree with you. Only because I know I will be one of those who shuts down about love and will never allow myself to experience it again. Love is wonderful, but too risky. For me, this heartbreak was not worth it. I mean my relationship certainly had it's moments where it was the most wonderful thing in the world, but overall, for me, not worth the pain heartbreak. I'll be shunning love myself, and I know I'm not the only one.

well. i did it. I told her i happy bday, but i can't see you, it's too painful. so then she calls, i don't answer. she leaves a message about how much she wants to hear my voice. Then she texts letting me know she left me a voice mail and that she's thinking of me. I did not respond. The she called again this mornining, blocked her number, but i knew it was her so I didn't answer. Then she left me a long message about how she really wants to hear my voice, how she has all this cool stuff going in her life but she doesn't want to tell me in VM, but she tells anyway about a trip to NYC she got offered and a possible move to Seattle (somewhere she's watned to live). Then she says again how badly she wants to talk, how she hates that i'm not talking to her, and to call her. Can she not get a clue? Why is she doing this. It is hurting me so much. I was really doing fine, getting over the breakup until she texted me something last thursday while I was out.... she said ' i'm really horny right now, it reminded me what was wrong with the relationship' ever since then she's been txting me and i've been crying..... why is she doing this?

well, i've posted my story many times before, but basically she said the spark was gone. we were together 13 months. broke up for the same reason after 6 months. but she came back to me and said she realized what was important and she wanted to be with me. So I took her back. Then towards the end she said the spark was gone. She will be 25 tomorrow, I am 32. I don't think her reason was stupid, but I do think she made the biggest mistake of her life by dumping me. I'm a great partner. But whatever........ Anyway, my dilema is weather or not to respond to her. Eitherway, I will not go out.... I am thinking I should not respond to her. I need to maintain NC. She is my soulmate, but I can't be a spectator to her dating life. we just can't be friends right now. She must know this..... but maybe not..... but if not, she must not be paying attention to the words that are coming out of my mouth. I am so angry at her for contacting me. it's almost like she doesn't want me to heal. It's like, even though she doesn't want to be with me, she still wants to know she could have me if she changed her mind. I don't want to be her fallback in times of trouble. I can't let her continue to have that hold on me.... even though I want her to have that hold on me. But I've got to have some dignity here.

We have been broken up now almost 5 weeks. tomorrow is her bday, and last sat would have been our 1 yr anniv. On Sat I told her I don't think we should talk anymore. Mostly because the past few talks were awkward and she kept bringing up why we broke up. She wanted to make sure i 'understood'. I only understand that she is stupid to break us up. Anyway, On sat I said I think we should talk anymore. She agreed, but we texted a few more times that day. I told her she never had as much invested in this as I did, so when she says she doesn't feel like any time was 'wasted' on this relationship, I said, how could you feel that way, I was the one that wasted on you, you just used me. Anyway, so later that night she texts me and asks if we could talk. I told her no, I was busy. This was Saturday... She texts me monday to say hi and have a good day. I do not respond. Then nothing yesterday, but today, she tries to call. I don't answer. then she texts again, saying she would really love to see me tonight and have pre bday drinks. (her bday is 2mrw, the 10th) I don't want to go see her tonight. She dumped me, I need to heal. I am so in love with her. I don't want to hurt her and be mean and ignore her on her bday, but why should I go? She is being selfish. She misses me and just wants to see me. but what will that do? Only make me go home sadder than I was before I go there. So, anyway, I'm not going out with her. and I have not responded to her text to tell her no. My question... should I text her and tell her no. Also, should I wish her a happy bday? I don't want to hurt her. should I continue NC, or tell her happy bday but I won't be out. I do NOT want to hurt her. I love her so much....... Help.....

well. i did it. I texted her this morning to ask if she got my letter. she said yes, that she has been busy blah blah blah so couldn't text. She said she accepts my apology for calling her a bad name, but she thinks my plea to still stay close like sisters was strange. maybe it is, I can be too hopefull at times. But that is what gets me through life, being hopeful. So I told her I had more of her stuff and asked her if we were cool then. No hard feelings from Friday night, and she agree that we are cool. No hard feelings. i don't regret texting her. I don't want to become strangers. if she does, well, thats fine, we can be. I won't text her again now, I've gotten all i've wanted from our last two contacts. The first was to cry to her, and now, just to make sure all is good between us, but we are both moving on. I miss her so, but I know I need to move on. I hate to lose her, but it's out of my control and I must live for myself.

kpow, thaks for you reply. I know you are right, but it sure is hard. This morning is tough. I am so tempted to text her, just to ask her, 'did you get my letter'. nothing more. I don't understand why she has not acknowledged it. It hurts. Just an acknowledgment of the letter is all I want. She is so strong, it's one of the things I really really loved about her. She is so strong that she will not contact me I'm sure. No matter what, her strenght and stubborness will prevent her from contacting me. I hate this.

Man, no news from her. I know this is really it. I was at least hoping for some acknowledgement of my letter, but nothing...... It's truly over. I miss her so much. I love her so much. And she seems to have totally moved on without me. OUCH. But I will not contact her today. I will be strong today. But in my heart, I am hoping hoping hoping against all hope that she will just send me a text. I know I am a fool for wanting that, but I can't help how I feel. I wanted to spend my life with her. She couldn't care less. I'll never let myself fall in love again, this pain is too much to bear again in my life.... goodbye my beautiful, beautiful love... goodbye...

well, she has surely gotten my letter by now and hopefully has read it. No response from her though. And thats ok. She did text me earlier today, but only to ask when i put the letter in her mailbox. I don't know why that was important, but I told her, and that was it. Nothing more, even after now when I'm sure she has probably read it by now. It's ok. I'm not really expecting a call or a word or anything, I really did just want to apologize for my actions as they weren't me being myself. It was someone else inside me, going through the worst grief I experienced since the death of a loved one. I wish she didn't have to see me like that, but it did help me see the light and stop crying as much. I'm still so hurt, so friggin wounded and full of anxiety as my soul is continuously trying to escape my body to be with her. I WILL rise again like the Phoenix one day, I hope that day isn't so far away.

well, this seems to be thread where I am just talking to myself... so be it. I wrote her a letter, dropped it in her mailbox on my way to work today. Sent her text message letting her know it was there. She didn't respond. I'm sure I really ruined any chance of any type of friendship at all with my actions friday night. Hopefully my letter will remedy that. My letter was full of love, but not full of begging. I asked her to forgive my actions friday but to understand where I was emotionally and to accept that. I told her I have to accept that she doesn't want to be in a relationship right now and that she has her own things she needs to deal with. I told her I still wanted to be friends and I really do. She told me that she loved me like a sister friday night, not like a life partner, so in my letter I said, well then lets be sisters. I know she will start to date or have casual sex with others and I am prepared for that. I really want to continue some relationship with her, as friends. I know I really want more, but if friends is all she can give me, I will take it. I don't want to lose her. I too will move on and date others and I think it will be hard for her to, but hopefully, our love bond is strong and true and can deal with those things. maybe I'm still dreaming and being naive, I am a bit of a romantic........ Only time will tell as she seems to have initiated NC. If she doesn't respond to my text or letter, I will leave her be until her bday where I will send her some pictures of us from our last trip together that I havn't developed yet, and a gift. After that, I'll send her holiday greetings, but will respect her decision to leave me out of her life if that is what she decides. I am still so sad, but I do feel better since the friday night incident. I am still full of sadness and still feel that my soul is trying to jump out of my chest and run to her, to be in her energy, to be in her light. I miss her so. I really need a friend now and feel I have no where to turn. Please god help me get through this without becoming angry and jaded. Please.

I want to write her a letter to apologize for my actions friday night. Is that the right thing to do? I really acted out and called her a B####, I feel I was out of line. I dont' regret it, I needed to do it to move on, but I do feel I owe her an apology. At some point, I hope we can be friends. Should I write this letter? It won't be a sappy come back to me letter, I know now it is over after friday night for sure, but I do want her to hear me out, why I acted that way, and how I wish I wouldn't have put both of us through it and to please forgive me for it. I'm not going to ask her back, it's too late for that, but I want her to know I don't hate her, I don't think she is a b####, and I want to try to be friends in a few months when I am feeling more stable. please someone give advice. I've been tempted all day to contact her, but thought this would be the best way. What should I do?

I feel your pain lulu. I really really do. I am in the same situation, can't eat, can't sleep, can't see thru the tears, anxiety in my chest, pain in my heart, and torture for my soul. I don't see how I'll move on myself right now. All I can do is assure you that you are not alone in this, many of us are suffering. Maybe you could try to spend more time with your friends and cry on thier shoulders. Or even your mom if she is available. Have a friend hold you tight while you cry. keep with the couseling. I am going to start going to counseling myself next week. Good luck lulu. Let's do this together. Lets try and get past the pain and to see there is still so much else to live for.

this is the longest we have ever gone without contact and it was only friday night that i last saw her. god, we texted every day, even after the breakup. this is so hard. I feel so empty inside, and i feel like my soul is trying to jump out of my chest and run to her.

OH God, I am so tempted to text her right now and apologize for my behaviour the other night. Ahhh, the temptation is overwhelming. I am so afraid to lose contact, lose our connection, how can we ever get it back and be friends if we let it all go away. I have never been so close to anyone before, it's so painful to let it slip away completely. I know she doesn't want a romantic relationship with me, but my god, how can we not be in eachothers life. I feel so weak. I love her so. How can I leave this wonderful love behind like she has? I'm so full of love for her, it's breaking my heart so much. She was the best thing since air to me. I was looking at pictures of us last night that are stored in my computer. We used to take pictures of us kissing with my webcam. We both looked so so happy. I am still there in my heart with her, and she is down the road, around the corner, no longer in that place. This pain is unbearable. I feel as though I need her. does that make me codependent? I miss her so.....

My gf of one year dumped me two weeks ago. She dumped me previously in may of this year and I posted some about it. She dumped me in may because she said the 'spark' was gone. that she wasn't in love with me anymore. We weren't having sex, it had been six months into the relationship. I hated it, I am so in love with her, but I dealt with it. Came here for support, hung with friends and got my confidence back. Less than a month later, she wanted to get back together. She said she had realized what was important in life and she loved me. I of course took her back because I never wanted it to end in the first place. The first few weeks were great, then slowly we fell into the same rut of no sex life and her always being negative and making me feel the relationship was such a burden to her. During the past few months of this, I really contemplated if I even wanted to be with her, I made a list, I checked it twice, turned out, there was more good than bad, so i thought yeah, she's the girl for me. I love her. Well, up to now, she dumped me again two weeks ago. I have been a complete disaster. I can't even function at work. Our last night together was terrible. We argued, she was telling me she was not sure of the relatioship, then next day, I'm dumped over the phone. She wanted to see me in person, but I couldn't control myself and made her tell me over the phone. I knew what she was gonna tell me, so why make me anxious about it all day until she could come by to talk. Well, I wish I would have let her come over because things have been so painful and unresolved for me. When she broke up with me she just said, 'the spark is gone, and i don't know how to get it back.' she told me she loves me, in fact she told me she loved me just two days ago. She let me come over last night, I have been an emotional wreck, can't function at work, cry so hard, want to die, don't eat dont sleep. Just in a very bad state. I went to her last night, and cried on her shoulder and tried to get her back (big mistake, I know). She was so cold and so callous, she wasn't greiving the relationship at all. She told me she didn't love me for the last 6 months. That hurt so bad. It made me so angry. Why would she stay with me for so long if she didn't love me? Was she using me? She was telling me she loved me. I know the relationship wasn't 'perfect' but it was good and i thought we loved eachother. She dropped a bomb on me with that. I don't understand why she would have stayed with me so long if it was over for her when we broke up the first time. Can someone explain this? Any ideas? Was she just using me for comfort and now she doesn't want that anymore? The conversation ended badly last night with me calling her a liar. And pretty much telling her to F off and I called her a B****. It wasn't very mature of me I know, but it was helpful. I am very angry at her now, where as before I was so distraught and hurt. I still might be distraught and hurt tomorrow for all I know. I loved this woman with all of my heart. Why would she do that to me? Telling me she loved me even after the breakup? She took me out for my Bday last month and lavished me with love and presents. What happened? I'm so angry, sad, hurt, pissed, confused, devastated. Needless to say, after the bad words i expressed from pain and anger, I will try to implement NC.

u should leave her alone. stop contacting her.

I am in a sexless relationship. Some of you may remember my posts a few months ago. My girlfriend broke up w/me and we got back together. However, less than a month after we got back together the sex life stopped again. She doesn't want to initiate it and neither do i because I feel like a bad lover for her. So we pretty much don't have sex and it's pissing me off. However, I could take matters into my own hands and start inititating. But I just am afraid she won't like what I do, i'll do it wrong, or she just won't want it. I am so confused and frustrated. she doesn't want to help me either by communicating what she wants. she says she can't give specifics because there are none to give as far as what she likes. I don't have much experience, but the last woman I dated made me feel like a great lover, but this girl, makes me feel like a loser. any tips for how I can be a better lover? Anywhere to look? books to read? ways to build my own desire? it's killing our relationship. It's causing a lot of anger and resentment from me towards her and I don't think it's entirely all her fault. I know she wants me to show her that I desire her, but I don't know how to do it in a way where I won't look like a bumbling idiot clumsily feeling my way around down there. When it comes to oral, i'm great, but she is too insecure to have me down there like that. She loves it, but feels like she has to shave and primp and all that, so it takes the spontenaity out of it, which ruins it for her. I fear it is a lost cause, but i don't want to give up the relationship over sex. There has to be something I can do. any ideas?

GAYMER here!

Agree with ShockedandDismayed totally here. It worked for me. We broke up and she saw I was fine and happy without her (which I really wasn't, but I was diligently working on it) and that made me attractive to her again. Be independent, be fun, don't be sad, depressed and clingy. She won't respond well to that. Be fun, independent, healthy and fine with life without her. That will peak her interest, and if it doesn't, you are on the road to getting a normal happy life again with or without her. Don't cry and whine and beg and tell her i love you i love you i love you i love you... she knows that, and it's just not attractive. no body wants desperate. Work out everyday.