Found out that my ex is on Tinder. Did he lie to me about needing to work on him

[ThatGirlTayl]

Hey, It's been a while since I've posted on this forum. Today I found out my ex was on Tinder when my friend showed me a screenshot of his profile. It's been 10 months since the break up, about 4 months since we met up and had sex, and about a month of no contact.

 

I just think it's kind of messed up since he told me it was because he loves me that he doesn't want to get in the way of my growth and he knows that if we get together right now again he will fall back into patterns of a bad personality and the habits of toxicity. He said this isn't goodbye forever because I'm the best person that has been in his life after I went to his court hearing to support him.

 

But, now that I have discovered him on Tinder I feel like that was a lie. What he must have meant was I want to date I just don't want to date you. It really hurts. It's a huge set back for me. I'm scared that he's going to move on before I do, that I'm going to get stuck in my progress and will still be stuck on him years later.

[MirrorKnight]

Hey, It's been a while since I've posted on this forum. Today I found out my ex was on Tinder when my friend showed me a screenshot of his profile. It's been 10 months since the break up, about 4 months since we met up and had sex, and about a month of no contact.

 

I just think it's kind of messed up since he told me it was because he loves me that he doesn't want to get in the way of my growth and he knows that if we get together right now again he will fall back into patterns of a bad personality and the habits of toxicity. He said this isn't goodbye forever because I'm the best person that has been in his life after I went to his court hearing to support him.

 

But, now that I have discovered him on Tinder I feel like that was a lie. What he must have meant was I want to date I just don't want to date you. It really hurts. It's a huge set back for me. I'm scared that he's going to move on before I do, that I'm going to get stuck in my progress and will still be stuck on him years later.

 

I had a brief look at your previous threads to understand the context better.

 

It is not rocket science. The guy is happy to have sex with you, but he does not want a committed relationship with you. Nothing particularly extraordinary about that scenario, it is repeated in countless stories across the world.

 

He manipulated you into having sex 4 months ago (it wasn't that hard though, was it? Given your desperation to reconcile...) knowing full well that he did not want to give you the commitment that you clearly crave, it was very selfish and mean-spirited of him to take advantage of your weakness and desperation. He changed this tune as soon as he got what he wanted. He even planted the seed of false hope with the garbage about "this isn't goodbye forever". He just wants you pining for his return indefinitely so he can roll back into your life for more hotel sex whenever he feels horny and hit a dry patch with other girls.

 

Now onto the bit I highlighted. I don't understand the logic in those statements. If he is a selfish man who used you and treated you with utter contempt and disrespect, how does that make it harder to move on than imagining he is some tortured mysterious man trying to battle his demons until he realizes the love you had was special? If anything, it should be easier. It is over. There is no question that he will move on before you do... because he already has. And guess what? It is irrelevant.

 

You cannot change how he treated you in the past, you cannot change how you allowed him to treat you in the past. You can only decide how to move forwards. If you cannot handle it by yourself, with friends and family, then seek counselling and figure out why you are so attached to such an obviously selfish man who does not love you and does not respect you.

[RayRay63]

He is your ex.

 

No contact means no information about the ex. Tell your friend not to pass on any info about the ex.

 

And if you do it properly, and work on self improvement, you will move on, it just takes time.

[ThatGirlTayl]

I am in counselling. I have been in counselling for 3 months. It just hurts to know that he used me like that. He used me and then discarded me with a flowery paragraph filled with love and hope then tossed me aside for someone on Tinder.

[Hollyj]

We have all been warning you for a long time to stay away from this guy, and you still want him. I don't get why you seek advice from the forum?

 

Have you sought out a therapist for this obsession and low self worth. You have allowed this guy to treat you so badly. Repeatedly! He does not like or respect you. Stop wasting your life!

[Hollyj]

I am in counselling. I have been in counselling for 3 months. It just hurts to know that he used me like that. He used me and then discarded me with a flowery paragraph filled with love and hope then tossed me aside for someone on Tinder.

 

He did not use you, you were a willing participant. If you had followed his actions and not listened to the crap that came out of his mouth, you would have moved on. We all advised you to go no contact and delete. You are not a victim.

[ThatGirlTayl]

He did not use you, you were a willing participant. If you had followed his actions and not listened to the crap that came out of his mouth, you would have moved on. We all advised you to go no contact and delete. You are not a victim.

 

I did block and delete on everything possible after finding out that he is on Tinder.

[Hollyj]

"We broke up because he was physically abusing me and we have a no contact order and he keeps violating it. And I care too much about him to report it."

 

What happened to the felony charge for robbery?

 

You have wasted almost a year on someone who was both physically and emotionally abusive, and who is also a criminal. I don't get it?

[MaybeThen]

What’s wrong with him being on tinder when you’re not in a committed relationship?

[ThatGirlTayl]

I wasn't a willing participant. I was manipulated and then discarded later.

[Hollyj]

I did block and delete on everything possible after finding out that he is on Tinder.

 

Good. But, you should have done it long ago.

 

OP, do you usually date guys like this? Did you grow up in an abusive household?

[ThatGirlTayl]

"We broke up because he was physically abusing me and we have a no contact order and he keeps violating it. And I care too much about him to report it."

 

What happened to the felony charge for robbery?

 

You have wasted almost a year on someone who was both physically and emotionally abusive, and who is also a criminal. I don't get it?

 

He got felony probation. He manipulated me into writing him a nice statement that said he deserved probation. I don't know why it has taken him writing me a beautiful paragraph and then getting on tinder soon after to realize what kind of person he is. It hurts, but it was definitely a wake up call.

[Hollyj]

I wasn't a willing participant. I was manipulated and then discarded later.

 

We all warned you. He is also an abuser and a thug.

[ThatGirlTayl]

Good. But, you should have done it long ago.

 

OP, do you usually date guys like this? Did you grow up in an abusive household?

 

No, I didn't grow up in an abusive household. This was my first serious, adult relationship.

[Hollyj]

He got felony probation. He manipulated me into writing him a nice statement that said he deserved probation. I don't know why it has taken him writing me a beautiful paragraph and then getting on tinder soon after to realize what kind of person he is. It hurts, but it was definitely a wake up call.

 

Please do not date for a long time, or you will end up with another abusive loser. You are still obsessing about him.

[MaybeThen]

I wasn't a willing participant. I was manipulated and then discarded later.

 

But you're broken up, as in, not in a committed monogamous relationship with him. Even if all of this were true:

 

I just think it's kind of messed up since he told me it was because he loves me that he doesn't want to get in the way of my growth and he knows that if we get together right now again he will fall back into patterns of a bad personality and the habits of toxicity. He said this isn't goodbye forever because I'm the best person that has been in his life after I went to his court hearing to support him.

 

..it doesn't mean there was an agreement to abstain from casual sex.

 

But hell, what do I know.

[ThatGirlTayl]

Please do not date for a long time, or you will end up with another abusive loser. You are still obsessing about him.

 

Oh. I'm not planning on dating anytime soon. I'm just focusing on me and my healing right now.

[ThatGirlTayl]

But you're broken up, as in, not in a committed monogamous relationship with him. Even if all of this were true:

 

 

 

..it doesn't mean there was an agreement to abstain from casual sex.

 

But hell, what do I know.

 

I just think it's dishonest and messed up to say that you can't date right now because of your serious issues and then join a dating website.

[MaybeThen]

I'm just focusing on me and my healing right now.

 

No you're not, you're focusing on getting a felon who physically abused you back! What the hell:

 

We broke up because he was physically abusing me and we have a no contact order and he keeps violating it. And I care too much about him to report it.

 

This just goes to show how absolutely important context is including "character profiles" regarding the people in question and any and all additional information.

 

This sounds like a case of trauma bonding to me

[ThatGirlTayl]

No you're not, you're focusing on getting a felon who physically abused you back! What the hell:

 

 

 

This just goes to show how absolutely important context is including "character profiles" regarding the people in question and any and all additional information.

 

This sounds like a case of trauma bonding to me

 

I mean, you're not wrong about it being trauma bonding. But, I have been focusing on myself. I have been working hard to get really good grades, have been making new friends, been going out with friends, I have been joining student organizations, and have been seeing a psychologist for three months. I guess since school is winding down I haven't had anything to fill that terrifying void and when I heard that he was on Tinder I guess it just felt like I was back at square one.

[MaybeThen]

I mean, you're not wrong about it being trauma bonding. But, I have been focusing on myself. I have been working hard to get really good grades, have been making new friends, been going out with friends, I have been joining student organizations, and have been seeing a psychologist for three months. I guess since school is winding down I haven't had anything to fill that terrifying void and when I heard that he was on Tinder I guess it just felt like I was back at square one.

 

I went back and re-read your post, I admit I sort of assumed some things I should not have. I see now that you're just feeling set back because of this new information; that's understandable, relationships of any sort can be super painful. It does sound like you are at least making progress to take care of yourself. But I can sympathize with you and how it ripped open a wound to see that. Is the therapy helping?

[ThatGirlTayl]

I went back and re-read your post, I admit I sort of assumed some things I should not have. I see now that you're just feeling set back because of this new information; that's understandable, relationships of any sort can be super painful. It does sound like you are at least making progress to take care of yourself. But I can sympathize with you and how it ripped open a wound to see that. Is the therapy helping?

 

I do have more good days than bad days now, but I still get sad now and then especially tonight. Finding out he is on Tinder. It kind of broke me. To be honest. Therapy does help with the negative thought spirals, but this is a whole different kind of hurt.

[Billie28]

I mean, you're not wrong about it being trauma bonding. But, I have been focusing on myself. I have been working hard to get really good grades, have been making new friends, been going out with friends, I have been joining student organizations, and have been seeing a psychologist for three months. I guess since school is winding down I haven't had anything to fill that terrifying void and when I heard that he was on Tinder I guess it just felt like I was back at square one.

 

What terrifying void??

If you have been doing what you claim to have, new friends, new groups etc , seeing a psychologist, then surely there is no void. You have replaced the time with other activities.

 

You have been single 10 months. He has never inferred that he has any interest in getting back with you (sweet talk to get sex is just that, an interested person will make effort without sex on the cards)

If you had sex with him without interest on his part to have anything more than that , the accountability is on you. Not him.

 

He is a single man on tinder. That’s good!!! Cos there are single women on tinder hoping the guys on there are not married.

 

He has likely been on tinder for 10 + months. Finding out now is irrelevant.

 

His behaviour and actions with you is what’s relevant!

And that is that you split 10 months ago, he booty called you 4 months ago and nothing since.

 

Why are you wasting so much of your time on someone that is just not interested?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Both of you can be on whatever dating apps you wish. In fact had you blocked and deleted him and removed him from your life 10 mos ago when the breakup occurred, you wouldn't even care because you would be happy with someone else by now.

 

Accept the breakup and delete him from all dating apps, social media, messaging apps and do not see or contact him. Don't get strung along, he ended it. You as well need to get your life together and start dating others.

It's been 10 months since the break up, about 4 months since we met up and had sex, and about a month of no contact.

 

he doesn't want to get in the way of my growth and he knows that if we get together right now again he will fall back into patterns of a bad personality and the habits of toxicity.

[Hollyj]

Have you considered volunteering to fill your time? It puts the focus on others in need. You have wasted so much time on this guy. He is bottom of the barrel!

 

What do your friends and family think of all of this? Did you tell them about the arrest and abuse?