DonCania Posted September 22, 2019 Share Posted September 22, 2019 I've been dating this woman for 5 months total, exclusive for one month. We haven't had sex, and don't plan on it until we marry each other. However, a tidbit of my past just started haunting me. Five years ago, I went to an escort at a brothel in Germany. I was so subconsciously disgusted with myself that I didn't finish, (but still had intercouse for less than 2 seconds), got dressed, and ran out. Five years have passed, and I barely thought about it until now. 2 weeks into our exclusive relationship (1 month so far), she asked "how far do you go physically in dating?" I said, "I'm waiting for marriage on everything," and she said the same. Her question was dating-related in my eyes, and yes, everyone I've dated, I've saved for marriage. I omitted the fact from 5 yrs ago because I figured a month in is too short to be discussing deep secrets like this. Today, I still feel as if I misled her, since she may have construed my answer such that I'm still a virgin. Should I bring up the escort experience from 5 yrs ago, something that doesn't define who I am today? If so, how and when? I feel guilty. Link to comment
mustlovedogs Posted September 22, 2019 Share Posted September 22, 2019 Ehhh I don’t think I’d tell her. I mean, sure, technically you’ve had sex but if it was literally seconds then I don’t suuuuuper count it. Have you had oral with a woman you’ve dated? To me that is WAY more personal. I don’t know. I wouldn’t tell her. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted September 22, 2019 Share Posted September 22, 2019 No. No need for her to know anything about this. Look on this site how it went when people wanted to unburden themselves by "confessing" to something that happened long before they met their current SO. In fact, there's an active thread where the OP's (now-ex) boyfriend used something she did before they were even together as a method to abuse her. I am not saying your girlfriend will abuse you. But this is something you did that has absolutely nothing to do with her. Hopefully you have had a full STD screening and are negative. Link to comment
SherrySher Posted September 22, 2019 Share Posted September 22, 2019 I'm not into lying. I've done crap in my past I'm not proud of, but if someone asks me straight out, I'm gonna tell the truth. Lying and hiding isn't a great way to start off any relationship. Link to comment
SherrySher Posted September 22, 2019 Share Posted September 22, 2019 Yes..very, very important. If you decided to get yourself involved in risky behavior, I hope to god you got every STD test done under the sun...after all, this is a hooker we're talking about. Link to comment
SherrySher Posted September 22, 2019 Share Posted September 22, 2019 At the very least, tell her you're not a virgin. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted September 22, 2019 Share Posted September 22, 2019 Her question was dating-related in my eyes, and yes, everyone I've dated, I've saved for marriage. I omitted the fact from 5 yrs ago If you were chaste with every girl you were officially dating, but had a one night stand, would you say "i never had sex?" I would have told her that you had one experience, where you stopped midway and vowed to wait for marriage ever since. your conscience got the best of you. A woman who is waiting may find that refreshingly honest. Or you decided to wait until marriage when you were X years old and leave what happened before out. I don't know how to come back from the fact that you already lied... Are you sure a buddy wasn't with you or no one would somehow spill the beans? Are you tested for STDs? Link to comment
mustlovedogs Posted September 22, 2019 Share Posted September 22, 2019 Yes..very, very important. If you decided to get yourself involved in risky behavior, I hope to god you got every STD test done under the sun...after all, this is a hooker we're talking about. Prostitutes, especially those in Europe, often are very safe with sex and get STD tests FREQUENTLY. Link to comment
melancholy123 Posted September 22, 2019 Share Posted September 22, 2019 I wouldnt tell her, it doesnt sound like enough of an experience to be worthy of mention. Please answer the question most are asking - have you been tested for STDs? If not, you better do it. Link to comment
Cherylyn Posted September 22, 2019 Share Posted September 22, 2019 You need to answer your own question because we're not you. If you were this woman, would you want to know the truth or is ignorance bliss? Always place yourself in another person's shoes and ask yourself how you would want to be treated. Then there is your answer. If you know your coming forward will risk dissolving your relationship with this woman, then remain silent. If your conscience will continue to consume you and cause your guilt, tell the truth. If your conscience won't haunt you, then remain silent and be on your best, most honorable behavior throughout your relationship and marriage. Link to comment
ChellyV Posted September 23, 2019 Share Posted September 23, 2019 If asked, say it. If not, then don't. If it bothers you, then say it...but be prepared for what she has to say about her past too. Link to comment
SherrySher Posted September 23, 2019 Share Posted September 23, 2019 Prostitutes, especially those in Europe, often are very safe with sex and get STD tests FREQUENTLY. Unless they are testing after each and every client, they don't know for certain. It only takes one person to have an STD. Not all hookers use condoms or abstain from oral. They would literally have to test after each person, otherwise it really is a crapshoot. Link to comment
SherrySher Posted September 23, 2019 Share Posted September 23, 2019 Like say for instance the hooker has a client at 10 am. She allows him to perform oral on her and she performs oral on him. They exchange body fluids. That client happened to have Aids. The next client is at 4 pm. He does the same things with her. She tells him it's safe as she was tested just last week, little does she or the client at 4 pm realize that they both contracted Aids from the guy at 10 am. That's all it takes. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted September 23, 2019 Share Posted September 23, 2019 Dating is to get to know each other and learn about important compatibility characteristics. It is not to play confession or therapy and dump extraneous info on people you have been dating 20 weeks. Go on dates, get to know each other. Is being a virgin required in your culture? If you have sexuality issues or issues with this brothel visit after all this time, go to a therapist. Five years ago, I went to an escort at a brothel in Germany. I was so subconsciously disgusted with myself that I didn't finish, I've saved for marriage. she may have construed my answer such that I'm still a virgin. Link to comment
indea08 Posted September 23, 2019 Share Posted September 23, 2019 Don’t tell her. Forgive yourself and forget about it. I wouldn’t count sticking the carrot into a doughnut for two seconds as “having sex” anyways. I would still consider you a virgin. This is like saying you’ve played euchre when you really just sat in on one hand, threw a card on the table, and then left. You definitely didn’t play euchre and still don’t know what playing the game of euchre is like. If you want to beat yourself up over something you did years ago, by all means, have at it. But I think life is way, way too short to put such a big emphasis on such a tiny, insignificant part of your life. Link to comment
maew Posted September 23, 2019 Share Posted September 23, 2019 I have a dark past of my own and so does my bf... we know this about each other and we don't really talk much about it... because it's in the past, and we are different people today and who we are now is more important... and my side of the street is clean today (physically, spiritually and emotionally) so I don't have any need to share that stuff with him and vice versa. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted September 23, 2019 Share Posted September 23, 2019 Don’t tell her. Forgive yourself and forget about it. I wouldn’t count sticking the carrot into a doughnut for two seconds as “having sex” anyways. I would still consider you a virgin. This is like saying you’ve played euchre when you really just sat in on one hand, threw a card on the table, and then left. You definitely didn’t play euchre and still don’t know what playing the game of euchre is like. If you want to beat yourself up over something you did years ago, by all means, have at it. But I think life is way, way too short to put such a big emphasis on such a tiny, insignificant part of your life. But if he has told her that he is a virgin, then that's a lie. It depends on what he told her. "I am a virgin vs i have decided that when i meet someone i am not having sex unless we marry" If he chooses not to tell her, then he has to be sure if let's say things go well and in two years time, he is down on one knee with a ring, he can't feel the "deep need to confess". its not fair to her -- if he feels he needs to unburden himself it should be now instead of then. Link to comment
indea08 Posted September 23, 2019 Share Posted September 23, 2019 if he feels he needs to unburden himself it should be now instead of then. It should be not at all. Spilling the truth to unburden yourself is selfish. And it didn’t sound like she straight out asked if he was a virgin. But even then, it really comes down to whether he considers himself a virgin. Based on his description of what happened, I would consider him a virgin. OP, if you feel you’re NOT a virgin, and it’s important to her specifically to be with a virgin, that’s changes things a bit. But that’s not how I interpreted this situation. I envisioned a casual conversation where you didn’t divulge a dark secret and are now just feeling guilty about it. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted September 23, 2019 Share Posted September 23, 2019 But if he has told her that he is a virgin, then that's a lie. It depends on what he told her. "I am a virgin vs i have decided that when i meet someone i am not having sex unless we marry" If he chooses not to tell her, then he has to be sure if let's say things go well and in two years time, he is down on one knee with a ring, he can't feel the "deep need to confess". its not fair to her -- if he feels he needs to unburden himself it should be now instead of then. He didn't tell her he's a virgin. From his OP: "she asked "how far do you go physically in dating?" I said, "I'm waiting for marriage on everything," and she said the same... Today, I still feel as if I misled her, since she may have construed my answer such that I'm still a virgin. " She "may have construed" is not "I told her I'm a virgin". Anyway, the OP seems to be a one and done. Maybe the questions about STD testing ran him off. Link to comment
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