Relationship and finances

[katrina1980]

 

I tried to discuss the situation with her, and she literally turned her back on me, escalating a decent concerned conversation into a massive fight. Up until the point where I am literally broke, on the verge of having to sell our house and our 2nd car. I have tried on numerous times that we sit and discuss our financial situation, showing her budgets and giving tips and asking her for tips as well to save money and get our debts paid off. She just turns around and literally says, it’s not her problem, it’s my problem. I have her an ultimatum that we need to solve the problems and why isn’t she having sex with me anymore, for weeks now. And she just brushes me off and says she will rather leave then.

 

OP please read the above, your own words.

 

So for five years, you've basically financially supported her, now you're broke and when you discuss and offer a compromise, she flat out announces she'd rather leave! I assume end the RL.

 

And now she refuses to have sex with you!

 

My goodness, if this isn't a clear indication that she doesn't give a rat's rear end about you, she needs your money and if you can't provide it, it's over.

 

Please leave this women, your life (and finances) AND sex life will continue to go down the drain should you continue to be in a relationship with her.

 

Not quite sure what story you're telling yourself to make this okay, or a workable situation, it's not.

 

She's a moocher, plain and simple.

[Hollyj]

Actually the problem is not just money - she's changed and does not want to give anything back to him or the relationship, sex, or money. Plus, there are more arguments. But it's not her that's changed, it's her heart. Her love level has gone down. If there is enough love left in her heart, it could be built up. He needs to figure out where he took her for granted - in the romance, respect, affection, or trust department.

 

Then again she might be past the point of no return, as far as loving him again - her telling him the money is his problem sounds like resentment. Women often don't leave until they really hate the guy and don't care - she's trying to stick it to you, get back at you for taking her for granted. This is not a conscious decision on her part, she's just reacting to her emotions.

 

Where do you get that he took her for granted? I think that it is the opposite.

 

"Women often don't leave until they really hate the guy and don't care " This is not true. Many of us leave when we decide that we must choose ourselves, and not continue in an unhealthy relationship. I loved my ex when i ended things.

[Hollyj]

OP please read the above, your own words.

 

So for five years, you've basically financially supported her, now you're broke and when you discuss and offer a compromise, she flat out announces she'd rather leave! I assume end the RL.

 

And now she refuses to have sex with you!

 

My goodness, if this isn't a clear indication that she doesn't give a rat's rear end about you, she needs your money and if you can't provide it, it's over.

 

Please leave this women, your life (and finances) AND sex life will continue to go down the drain should you continue to be in a relationship with her.

 

Not quite sure what story you're telling yourself to make this okay, or a workable situation, it's not.

 

She's a moocher, plain and simple.

Well said!

[BeenThereB4]

... why isn’t she having sex with me anymore ...

 

JosZA, she isn’t having sex with you anymore because you have run out of money. She has been using you. I am a beautiful woman. I can get away with being a lazy b***h and still have people bending over backwards for me while shelling out cash at the same time. It’s strange when I think about it, but that’s how life is for beautiful people. With that said, I choose to be as industrious, kind, and giving as I can be. I’m far from perfect. I have a lot to work on. However, I respect myself and my fellow human beings enough to not use others as ends to means. Just because one is able to get away with poor behavior doesn’t mean one should.

 

Your fiancée lacks integrity. She used you for your money and is now done with you because you no longer serve a purpose. She has no empathy for you whatsoever. If she did, she would have been considerate about your resources and, more importantly, your feelings. But she wasn’t because she doesn’t care about you. There is nothing that you can do to save your relationship because it’s not important to her. However, you can drastically improve your own life by realizing that you deserve better than for what you have been settling. You deserve someone who likes you for you and will contribute equally to a relationship with you. Let your fiancée go. She’ll find a new guy to take advantage of and you will be free to put your life and your finances back together.

 

You asked why you shouldn’t have been able to trust your fiancée without a written agreement for all of those loans. The answer to this is very simple. You should not have trusted her because she has already proven herself to be someone who doesn’t pay her debts. She can’t get credit because she doesn’t pay her bills. If someone won’t pay their bills, they won’t pay you.

 

I know things are hard right now, but trust me when I say that you can find a hot chick, who will let you do all kinds of things to her sexually, who also has integrity, self-respect, and a kind heart. However, you’re not going to be able to be with a woman like that until you let your current fiancée go. Let her go and one day you are going to be in such a great relationship that you will wonder why you wasted so much time in this bad one. Just cut your losses on the loans and take back your life. You’ll be able to afford to fix your finances once the mill stone is removed from around your neck.

 

Good luck and stay strong!

[bluecastle]

Feeling for you, OP.

 

What's coming through in your posts—especially your responses—is what I see as a great quality of yours that she exploits instead of respects. You're understanding, responsible, patient, and when the sh*t hits the fan you reach for the rag to clean it off. That's your deep character, your value system, whatever other flaws you've got, whatever ways you haven't been great inside the relationship. It's what's helped you guys stay afloat, but right now, I fear, it's got you a little blind.

 

Because her character and value system are at drastic odds with yours. I think you've done what a lot of people do in relationships, which is to think that your own value system can be contagious—or, because it's yours, who you are, you assume it must be how others operate. So if you help with this loan, with this business—well, eventually, it'll all even out, and so on. This is how people end up "carrying the weight for two." This is how people end up "underwater."

 

To think of your fiance as a mooch, a user, a dead weight, terrible with money, irresponsible—that's hard. Very hard. Not just because of love and hopes and history, but because it means having to face and accept that you've invested in something and someone that wasn't quite what you thought, isn't going to evolve as you hoped. Hence the eagerness to soften this harsh read. But that is not well-spent compassion, because it doesn't pay the bills, doesn't turn her into someone who doesn't leave the room when the sh*t hits the fan.

 

You have all the information you need right now to know what staying with her will be like. It will be like this. A clash in value systems, one in which yours is exploited for her gain, where the cost of her comfort is your discomfort. She is not really there for you, not really there for the relationship—that is simply not how she works. Maybe, in dewy moments, she has talked in these terms, but when given an opportunity to live them she lives another way. She turns her back, withholds sex, shops for golf clubs.

 

I can imagine being in your shoes, in ways, as your finance sounds a lot like my ex gf. Give me a $100 and my mind sees $40 to spend, $60 to save; give her $100 and she sees $160 to spend, since she assumes there's another $100 coming from somewhere. I tried to "change" this, for a bit, and was plenty blind to it as a fact. I chipped in money here and there, when she needed help, only to be startled when a few days later she'd buy a new pair of shoes, whatever. She also had a clever way of using sex as currency.

 

Make no mistake: I'm not saying she's a witch and I'm a saint. Hardly. She's pretty cool and sweet, and lord knows I brought some sourness to her life. Still, get me against the ropes and I fight; she flinches. That was her before I knew her, will be her forever.

 

Had I been just a slightly less self-protective person than I am, just slightly less sexually experienced, and just slightly more invested in some noble idea that relationships are worthwhile even if they destroy you, I could see that all leading me into the sort of knot you're in. But, no, I backed out. I am an above water man at all costs. For the big fight—well, I need a fighter alongside me.

 

I'm sorry for all your troubles. But as others have advised, right now you're staring down two roads, one in which this is a very hard lesson, another in which this is a very hard life.

[reinventmyself]

 

You asked why you shouldn’t have been able to trust your fiancée without a written agreement for all of those loans. The answer to this is very simple. You should not have trusted her because she has already proven herself to be someone who doesn’t pay her debts. She can’t get credit because she doesn’t pay her bills. If someone won’t pay their bills, they won’t pay you.

 

Just wanted to reiterate this point^^ So obvious to some, but illusive to others.

[Hollyj]

She's an opportunist.

 

OP, do you have a pattern of choosing women like this?

[superfan]

Kick her out, seek some credit counseling and do what you can to pay your debts

[Annia]

Hi Rose, and all. Thanks for the advice. I can sit here and say I’m perfect and I am not. I think however if people on this site want sound advice, then they have to be true and honest with what they are posting. It’s no use a person posts in here to make themselves look good, as they won’t get the honest and truthful answers they are seeking. Thus with that said, there’s always 3 sides to a story, his, hers and the truth. NB I say the above with no sarcasm or maliciousness and I thank each and everyone thus far for their comments. Especially when you’re in love with someone, it makes a break kind of difficult. My take on a relationship is that it ain’t easy, but when the “uncomfortable” discussions or chats need to come up in a relationship then one mustn’t feel you can’t communicate. That’s the mother of all f/ups in any relationship. Communication and honesty is key.

 

Relationships aren't easy, but when a partner makes it unnecessarily difficult, isn't open to communication and doesn't respect you (there's no excuse for her lack of willingness to pay her bills and contribute) then maybe it's time to leave. You enabling her by continuing to support her dead weight is not going to make her change. She won't wake up one day and have an epiphany.

 

Untangle yourself from her financially, even if you need a financial advisor to help you. Your focus now should be get your finances on track and so the "dead weight" has to go.

[Annia]

JosZA, she isn’t having sex with you anymore because you have run out of money. She has been using you. I am a beautiful woman. I can get away with being a lazy b***h and still have people bending over backwards for me while shelling out cash at the same time. It’s strange when I think about it, but that’s how life is for beautiful people. With that said, I choose to be as industrious, kind, and giving as I can be. I’m far from perfect. I have a lot to work on. However, I respect myself and my fellow human beings enough to not use others as ends to means. Just because one is able to get away with poor behavior doesn’t mean one should.

 

Your fiancée lacks integrity. She used you for your money and is now done with you because you no longer serve a purpose. She has no empathy for you whatsoever. If she did, she would have been considerate about your resources and, more importantly, your feelings. But she wasn’t because she doesn’t care about you. There is nothing that you can do to save your relationship because it’s not important to her. However, you can drastically improve your own life by realizing that you deserve better than for what you have been settling. You deserve someone who likes you for you and will contribute equally to a relationship with you. Let your fiancée go. She’ll find a new guy to take advantage of and you will be free to put your life and your finances back together.

 

You asked why you shouldn’t have been able to trust your fiancée without a written agreement for all of those loans. The answer to this is very simple. You should not have trusted her because she has already proven herself to be someone who doesn’t pay her debts. She can’t get credit because she doesn’t pay her bills. If someone won’t pay their bills, they won’t pay you.

 

I know things are hard right now, but trust me when I say that you can find a hot chick, who will let you do all kinds of things to her sexually, who also has integrity, self-respect, and a kind heart. However, you’re not going to be able to be with a woman like that until you let your current fiancée go. Let her go and one day you are going to be in such a great relationship that you will wonder why you wasted so much time in this bad one. Just cut your losses on the loans and take back your life. You’ll be able to afford to fix your finances once the mill stone is removed from around your neck.

 

Good luck and stay strong!

 

Yes yes yes to everything but specially what's in bold!

[Annia]

- that's a wonderful idea, but unfortunately, reality is, she's not doctor Phil, and neither are most women - nor most men. She does not have the capacity to understand logically what's going on.........plus, it's hard to see past one's own feelings, feelings can cloud judgement. Heck, some counselors don't even know what's going on.

 

The main reason for divorce is not money - somebody fell out of love. Another myth busted today.

 

Op, PM me if it's possible? maybe I can help. I'll need the entire relationship story.

 

This thread screams lack of character and integrity from her, or she wouldn't use the OP like this. Who cares if she fell out of love if since the beginning she was putting the responsibility of her finances in the OP and not paying her debts? Would she have better character and integrity if her love levels for the OP were higher? If she loved him despite him having less money now (after having been suck dry by her and her irresponsibility and his naivety and willingness to hell), would she display the necessary character and honesty to address the situation and pay what she owes or at least make a plan and try to contribute more? Sometimes it's necessary to look objectively to what a person really is and not what we wish they were or what we think they'd become if they loved us more.

[itsallgrand]

Unfortunately, you chose a dependent rather than a partner. For those who do not take responsibility for their own costs of life, it is not wise to expect them to have the maturity and integrity to come up to bat when it is needed. They are too busy worrying and feeling indignation that their supply is being threatened.

 

You have to try very hard to overcome your denial of what you signed up for in choosing her, and in allowing her to take advantage of you in this way. You have to understand her state of development - she's frozen in a little kids state where others are there to meet her needs, and she'll act out in predictably childish ways to try and keep that going.

 

Once you 'get' all that, and resolve to make things right going forward, your course of action will be clear.

You can let go of these hopes of her magically growing up and being a partner to you, because she does not have that to offer. It's not a fault of yours she is this way, it simply is what it is. It's her own life story.

 

For yours, you walk away with new understanding of yourself and renewed strength. You will get through this, because you already have the skills you need to rebuild. You just need to see your real value to a true partner. And to fix your picker.

[JosZA]

Hey all, thanks so much for everyone’s advice. I suppose it’s a case of cutting my losses here and moving on. Just as an update. She sent me a text late yesterday apologizing for everything and that she will commit more to the finances and make an effort to get us out of the dwang, and that when she sees me later that we don’t talk about the issue again and that she wants the house hold back again like it was. Bottom line however that I am selling the car that she drives to make a dent in the debt. New beginnings is most certainly a bad idea and not to be running away from anything, I have had a few offers of employment in the UK (stay in ZA), and maybe a change is as good as a holiday, albeit a bold change.

I appreciate each and everyone’s comments and advice and here’s to rebuilding and picking up the pieces.

[Wiseman2]

Posters can not PM until a certain time/number of posts.

Op, PM me if it's possible? maybe I can help. I'll need the entire relationship story.

[Wiseman2]

You are both bad with money and have made a great deal of mistakes on poor investments, over spending, etc. Pointing fingers at each other, lectures, ultimatums etc haven't worked and never work. You need to sit down with your banker, accountant and financial planner Alone. Get yourself and your finances in order first.

 

You are not married and this commingling of money is catastrophic and creates resentment both ways. You have entered a parent-child dynamic where you give her an allowance then punish her by taking the car, etc away. It's a trust and relationship killer and it doesn't even solve your problem of the financial disaster you have created for yourself. All it does is breed further resentment. The relationship sounds excessively controlling.