DonnaHolmes Posted March 20, 2019 Author Share Posted March 20, 2019 I've found everything I need to know. 6 years of lies Link to comment
DonnaHolmes Posted March 20, 2019 Author Share Posted March 20, 2019 My friend overheard a conversation he had at a Xmas party we had last Christmas. She heard him say to his 3 grown ups that they'll be ok when he dies they'll get his pension. So it seems I play no part in his life. I don't know why he married me. So I've made the decision to get a divorce Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 My friend overheard a conversation he had at a Xmas party we had last Christmas. She heard him say to his 3 grown ups that they'll be ok when he dies they'll get his pension. So it seems I play no part in his life. I don't know why he married me. So I've made the decision to get a divorce Smart. Who owns the home? Link to comment
Annia Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 My friend overheard a conversation he had at a Xmas party we had last Christmas. She heard him say to his 3 grown ups that they'll be ok when he dies they'll get his pension. So it seems I play no part in his life. I don't know why he married me. So I've made the decision to get a divorce Smart decision. He's not transparent with you and doesn't include you, his wife, in his plans. Also the divorce with his ex wife is very worrying and him wanting you to pay for everything and not talking to you a year when you didn't. I advise hiring a good attorney. Don't resolve anything without a professional mediator on your side. Link to comment
milly007 Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 How did you find out about these other accounts? Does he know that you’re aware of these accounts? And if he knows you’re aware of these accounts, what’s his reason for not having told you about them? Link to comment
DonnaHolmes Posted March 20, 2019 Author Share Posted March 20, 2019 I found out by trusting my instincts and looking on his phone. He doesn't know I know but he knows something is wrong even though he hasn't asked me. I also took pictures of the txts Link to comment
Rose Mosse Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 This is becoming a bit ridiculous and I'm afraid that your behaviour is not really one that warrants respect for your partner or self-respect. If you feel compelled to go through your partner's phone, you should be asking yourself if it's necessary and to what end? The problem is you already distrust him. How low are you prepared to sink before you have the confidence to walk away from a situation that you have already determined is not good for yourself? Are you actively seeking to destroy the marriage or any civility? When I mentioned finding out the information you need to know, I meant in an open environment and where two people respect each other to have a decent conversation and where there is some semblance of trust. If you feel in your deepest heart of hearts that you cannot trust him, you already have your answer and you should be tying up loose ends. Resorting to behaviour like this is not helpful to your wellbeing in the long term and you are prolonging yourself (and your partner, together or separate) from finding real solutions. If you want to separate and initiate a divorce, speak to a divorce lawyer and start speaking to a financial advisor on separating your finances. Link to comment
ndk Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 How long was the marriage? Can you petition to annul? Did you just pay for the license ($50-100) and/or did you have a ceremony with his family? Are you speaking with them? 50k is not worth a lifetime with this dishonest man. It can be gone in a second. I'd get a lawyer if you plan on something more complex, don't think none of us can help with the legal part Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 Thankfully, you went through the phone, as you would have never learned the truth. Link to comment
DonnaHolmes Posted March 20, 2019 Author Share Posted March 20, 2019 Rose. Are you being serious ?? Really a civilised conversation ?? All you've done on here is blame me. Do you know him ?? Yea I looked through his phone like he looks through mine. Yes our marriage is a disaster so time out !! Link to comment
shellyf62 Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 This is becoming a bit ridiculous and I'm afraid that your behaviour is not really one that warrants respect for your partner or self-respect. If you feel compelled to go through your partner's phone, you should be asking yourself if it's necessary and to what end? The problem is you already distrust him. How low are you prepared to sink before you have the confidence to walk away from a situation that you have already determined is not good for yourself? Are you actively seeking to destroy the marriage or any civility? When I mentioned finding out the information you need to know, I meant in an open environment and where two people respect each other to have a decent conversation and where there is some semblance of trust. If you feel in your deepest heart of hearts that you cannot trust him, you already have your answer and you should be tying up loose ends. Resorting to behaviour like this is not helpful to your wellbeing in the long term and you are prolonging yourself (and your partner, together or separate) from finding real solutions. If you want to separate and initiate a divorce, speak to a divorce lawyer and start speaking to a financial advisor on separating your finances. He has no respect for the OP, has hidden money from her, ignored her & told family that they are getting his pension, and you expect him to have a decent & trusting conversation with her ?? LOLOLOLOL Link to comment
Annia Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 Rose. Are you being serious ?? Really a civilised conversation ?? All you've done on here is blame me. Do you know him ?? Yea I looked through his phone like he looks through mine. Yes our marriage is a disaster so time out !! You're thinking right. This man has disrespected you over and over. Expecting him to have a civilised conversation with you when he shut you off for a year previously and has hidden important information from you is being delusional. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 Agree. When someone is leading a duplicitous life, hiding money and being deceitful, intel gathering via phone is certainly justified. So is getting an attorney and a forensic accountant. It's amazing that some people think "talking in an open environment" will resolve problems with liars, cheaters or scammers. In a psychobabble ideal world everyone is honest and open and talking is the solution to everything.Thankfully, you went through the phone, as you would have never learned the truth. Link to comment
Annia Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 Agree. When someone is leading a duplicitous life, hiding money and being deceitful, intel gathering via phone is certainly justified. So is getting an attorney and a forensic accountant. It's amazing that some people think "talking in an open environment" will resolve problems with liars, cheaters or scammers. In a psychobabble ideal world everyone is honest and open and talking is the solution to everything. I agree. I don't agree with snooping when it stems from control or insecurity, but when you're suspicious of something important like the this finances scheme, cheating or other stuff that puts the relationship and you in jeopardy, sometimes it's better to get it over with and gather intel so that one can make an informed decision as soon as possible. Link to comment
Rose Mosse Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 It's easy to blame others. Perhaps the trick is also not to be a psycho, liar or a scammer. Look, Donna, do whatever pleases you. If it feels good to you to resolve things this way and if it gives you peace of mind, go ahead. I'm only pointing out, again in your best interests, that these aren't a long term fix. You should try to figure out your living situation and your finances. You've got what you wanted. Enough of the small mind games. Link to comment
Annia Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 How is the OP a liar and a scammer in this situation? Did I misunderstood something? Link to comment
shellyf62 Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 Rose Mosse you are certainly taking the Husband's side in all of this. Can I ask why? Link to comment
B4bella Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 Hi @DonnaHolmes this seems quite a difficult and complicated situation you are having to deal with in your marriage. Would you consider going with him for marriage counseling before you make a final decision. I think you need to find a way to communicate all you've find out to your husband regardless of how you came about the information and see what he has to say. Marriage takes two committed people working as a team and from what you've said, this doesn't seem to be the case....so sorry. Wish you all the best for the future. Link to comment
DonnaHolmes Posted March 24, 2019 Author Share Posted March 24, 2019 Thanks B4bella I don't think we can work this out, too many lies and deceit. I've sat here for a few days now and thought about everything that's happened, the times I've struggled. I feel that all I am is someone to chuck in with the bills so he can build up his savings for whatever reason. I'm not money motivated and he knows that, so why can't he be honest with me(his wife) and if the shoe was on the other foot I'd be out on the street by now. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 24, 2019 Share Posted March 24, 2019 I think I have asked you three times who paid for the house, why won't you answer the question? Link to comment
DonnaHolmes Posted March 25, 2019 Author Share Posted March 25, 2019 Sorry Holly it's joint Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted March 26, 2019 Share Posted March 26, 2019 Good luck with all this, Donna, and I hope you find your way out of this mind-effin' situation without too much collateral damage. Some of the replies on here remind me of this piece of advice: http://www.art-xy.com/2013/07/why-men-shouldnt-write-advice-columns.html Link to comment
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