hp1 Posted March 17, 2019 Share Posted March 17, 2019 (sorry this is long. summary is I was dumped an agonizing whether the reason was my shortcoming or her being never being invested and potentially failing for someone else. How to deal with not getting these answers as its driving me mad not to know). I was dumped by GF 2 weeks ago, NC 1 week. Im 50 , she is 40. We were together for 1 year. She has 2 teenage kids from previous marriage. 1st 3 months were great. I found her charming, social, smart, super fit body (does pole dance for sport/hobby) and very confident. such charisma. I was my normal self and confident, and was into her about same amount as she was into me. Really liked her a lot. Always laughing and great sex life. She knew I had my own business and saw my a doing well and often said I was handsome and was typical honeymoon period. Few times I guess I showed her my interest was less and not eager to meet (cant remember why). At that 3 month mark, she broke up with me suddenly for vague reasons about my personality and I found myself floored and wanting her back. I was a wreck. After week of being apart, she called me crying asking if still loved her and we got back together. I was the happiest guy in the world and I vowed to be the best boyfriend ever and always cheerful, giving, etc. (became a 'nice guy'). It was at this point, I became a people pleaser and version of myself that I thought she would like. I was so scared to go through a break up again and those feelings (I have abandonment issues) that I lost who I was. Started living lifestyle that matched hers but wasn't mine. I thought these changes would be improvement. This is also when I started to feel depressed. During this next phase of us, I noticed how she seemed to always need male attention (posting her dance videos on IG, having tons of guy friends, flirting mildly), hesitate to introduce me as BF but as a friend (said doest want kids to somehow find out she has BF), no photos of us on social, drinks a lot, said "she could have sex without being in love, had sex friends before and once with married man. etc etc. Daddy issues and not close with family. Kind of a party girl type. Could tell likes to tantalize and tease men. But she accepted the title of my girlfriend and agreed we not seeing other people. But we always had so much fun together I chose to overlook or rationalize these red flags. My anxiety and depression worsened both by this and uncertainty about my job/business. I talked about marriage at some point and that I was so sure she was my match. She said maybe when kids are older, perhaps in 5-6 years, but no rush to talk about marriage. Over time, the combination of my codependent tendencies and her mysterious and attention seeking ways made me become clingy, smothering and insecure. It didnt help that I was unsure bout my career and at that point and I think hid inside the comfort of the relationship to avoid facing. I didnt foster friendships and let my business slip as I focused too much on her. She is very independent and busy mom, so combining that with the way I was acting (dependent) since didnt feel could trust her completely created a power shift. I tried to meet her almost every day and was always available. She saw I was slipping and starting making comments about how I never do things with friends and not following through on career ideas I had. I didnt tell her I was in depression because I was afraid she would leave, so I hid it. She probably thought I was just lazy, but I was fighting to keep my head above water. I spent most of day just trying to help deal with depression and so was not bringing much interest to the relationship. She also noticed I wasn't into music like she was, didn't know about current events, and that all we talked about was mainly her exciting and busy life. So I am sure she started to get boring. Other things I did like saying I understood something she said when I didn't (we are living abroad and speaks sometimes in her native language which I am not fluent in but can speak basic). She would call me out on this and say she didn't like that I pretended to understand when I didn't. I just didn't want to keep asking her to clarify and explain. She said she didn't like that we couldn't communicate in either language at deep level and made her sad, although her English is very good and fluent speaker. About 4 months ago I could notice her not being as excited when we met, not holding my hand so tightly, not kissing hello/goodbye unless I did, and being somewhat critical of me. This continued and got worse until the end. Every time I would try to talk about it with her, she would say nothing is wrong and make me feel too sensitive for asking and get irritated (was clear she wasn't enjoying my company). I kept thinking I could love her enough for both of us. The plans, texting...always initiated by me during the last 4 months. More jealousy 'jokes' about other men since she said likes to see me get jealous. Loved to joke she was cheating or meeting other men. Even said once after sex "yes I am sleeping with other guys' and when I acted shocked she said "just kidding, I have dark sense of humor'. I asked her few times if seeing anyone else and she assured me 'no' (of course). I just became more insecure and needy as I felt her getting further away. She would sometimes mention a guy we both know and I noticed her interacting with his social media and less on mine. Would say things about his great job and he come up sometimes in conversation. Could be nothing and proves nothing. I talked with this guy few tomes and would make statements about honesty and cheating just to see his reaction, kind of feeling him out. He acted nervous but again its not proof. I couldn't tell if I was being paranoid from being depressed and insecure or there was something there. I got feeling there was more there then he admitted. Once when he and I were drinking he told me what a great woman she is and all these qualities about her. He said he only chatted with her on FB once but I know this is BS. Towards the end, all signs like now taking hours to reply to texts, always texting on phone even when with me, short replies to my texts, no emoticons, no details about her day, excuses not to meet as much, etc. Sometimes not read my texts for 4-5 hours always certain days of the week. Always had excuse as to why. used to give reasons why couldn't meet me on certain days, but now was just that 'she couldn't meet'. I even thought to hire private investigator to have proof that she was or wasn't cheating but I thought I couldn't handle it if I found out it was true. So I didnt. Anxiety and stress through the roof. sleep majorly affected. Starting wearing out my friends initial offers to listen as the story of my concerns and urges to break up went unheeded and nothing changed. They started to avoid me and even now feel distance from them. Last 6 weeks she treated me so bad I think to get me to break up. Even criticizing my table manners or noises I make when I chew. I asked her if love me anymore and she said wasnt sure. Started to not want to have sex as much but would do it. I got more clingy and desperate. She gave excuses of 'just wanting to be alone again for a while' or 'kids getting in trouble since she not home enough to care for them and with me all the time'. Actually said lets break up but I convinced her to give it a bit more time. She then said didnt see future with me and my job being so unstable, etc. was a reason. I asked her give me 2 months to get more stable job and she initially agreed, but then said not sure if could wait. One night I told her to please wait a bit more and that I know she has options as an attractive women. She said yes she does and has men waiting to date her, but saying no because with me. She just got more and more disrespectful and I kept taking it because I didnt want to lose her. Next day she said was joking about saying that about other men. 2 weeks ago she said on phone that 'she can not be in relationship right now, her kids are not doing well and too much stress'. I pressed for more and she said also lost respect for me and her feeling are less than before. Some of her criticisms are right though. She didnt say we are 'broken up' and 'dont call me', etc. I said I will find the job and wont give up on her. I assume we broke up but it still felt a little vague. I know she tried let me down easy or in a way that I couldn't argue with it. I texted her next day and she gave a pleasant reply. Let it go for a week and I reached out again saying 'hope she is doing well'. She replied minutes later more enthusiastically then in months and said "well, things still not good in her life and busy, but hopes be better soon" and also said she misses this one place we used to visit (not miss me). Wished each other a good weekend and that was it. I havent texted again in a week and not looking at her social media because seeing her photo will make me want to contact her. I wanted to marry this woman and thought I was done with dating and searching for a partner. Its clear I lost myself and the clinginess just killed her attraction for me. What I am stuggling with is... - I'll never know 100% if she did cheat before breaking up since I have no evidence, just my gut and the signs. Its possible she just wanted to distance from my clinginess and be free again. Perhaps was just emotional affair. I dont know and thats killing me. - I dont know if she is with that guy (or someone) now since we dont talk and im doing NC and not looking at her social. (I want to know but I don't). - how much of the demise was her never being committed and how much was my insecurity? would it have worked if I hadn't given in to those fears? or if I told her about my depression earlier? - Was I played the whole time and she had many BF or did she just simply lose interest and she did love me at some point, but if faded and started wanting to find someone? I cycle from beating myself up for push her away with weak desperate behavior and not trying harder with my business VS anger at her for not being more transparent this whole time and leaving me with all these questions. Again I have zero actual proof she cheated, just suspicions. I am not moving on since im stuck with wondering about the above AND the hope this is all just a bad phase and we wlll be together again at some point once I sort my job and confidence again. Any help is GREATLY appreciated. I feel like im spiraling down even more. Link to comment
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