I have an amazing boyfriend but something still doesn't feel right. Normal?

[figureitout23]

Yeah because in the history of the world no man or woman has let attraction get in the way of good judgement.

 

In the history of the world no man or woman with a healthy sense of self has thought looks were enough.

 

Unhealthy, young, stupid, no goals themselves, sure... but other than that, nope!

[moonandsun]

Ok well to make this easier, i am attracted to him but it's not only about his looks. Do you all have any comments about the main problem though? Cause its not really about whether I'm attracted to him or not.

[Wiseman2]

You need to accept him as is. Do not push and shove him to be a clone of you. It's controlling, not "loyal, loving and helping people". Helping people is accepting them. Learn to put your ego aside and let him do whatever he sees fit. If that doesn't suit you step back and observe.

 

Eventually your chronic rejection (yes, not accepting him is rejecting) will kill things as much as your mothering and fixing. Work on Your career, finances, future etc, leave him alone and treat him like a grown man who can think for himself. Perhaps get therapy for this tendency to be controlling/fixing and want people to be reflections or clones of you.

[boltnrun]

By "helping" him you are telling him he is incapable of running his own life. And that his own efforts are inadequate or ineffective.

 

How would you feel if he decided to "help" you lose weight by throwing out your snack food and buying you celery sticks because he thought you were chubby, or "helped" you by buying you clothes because he thought you dressed frumpily? Or "helped" you by buying you breath mints because he said you have stinky breath?

 

What do you think would happen if you stopped "helping" him?

[tattoobunnie]

My hubby was working part time, and raising our 1st the other part, and I told him to get a real job. He did. Not 3rd job after several years and making a six figure salary. This took about seven years. But to be honest, I knew he was the one for me from day one. If your gut is saying this is not the guy, even if he had the best job, you'd still be asking yourself this.

[reinventmyself]

My youngest son hadn't finished college, bounced around in no where jobs while his now wife was finishing her masters. He finally landed on his feet but not until after she surpassed her life's ambition. (they are both in their late 20s) She's a little bit of an overachiever.

 

She loved him, considers him her best friend and saw potential in him.

I am glad she didn't give up on him and now with his career taking off, he has other potential opportunities.

 

I don't know if that helps you or not. Just something to think about.

[figureitout23]

Ok well to make this easier, i am attracted to him but it's not only about his looks. Do you all have any comments about the main problem though? Cause its not really about whether I'm attracted to him or not.

 

I’m sorry, I thought I did comment.

 

It’s not your job to raise a grown man. I realize ‘ride or die’ is popular with and almost expected of women now a days but if you don’t want to accept who he is, you don’t have to. It’s also not fair to either one of you to push him though. He’s either who you want or he isn’t

[Batya33]

No amount of good looks will be able to take away how much a turn off having a lack of ambition and career prospects are to me. I'm sure a lot of women are the same. Looks are the cherry-I mean I have dated many good looking guys and if they lack the brains or the career and ambition, it just doesn't go anywhere.

 

Same here - I needed compatibility on that -I could be the main provider if needed, no issue there -but I wouldn't be happy doing that if it was because of his lack of ambition/career prospects.

[Nickel Speed]

You need to accept him as is. Do not push and shove him to be a clone of you. It's controlling, not "loyal, loving and helping people". Helping people is accepting them. Learn to put your ego aside and let him do whatever he sees fit. If that doesn't suit you step back and observe.

 

Eventually your chronic rejection (yes, not accepting him is rejecting) will kill things as much as your mothering and fixing. Work on Your career, finances, future etc, leave him alone and treat him like a grown man who can think for himself. Perhaps get therapy for this tendency to be controlling/fixing and want people to be reflections or clones of you.

 

This is the best advice. If you love him, be there for him. Don't expect him to change. Love him for who he is. If this isn't ok with you, you don't truly care for him.

[candypop]

This is a common problem in females where they feel the need to control their partner's life. Your boyfriend's success means you look better. This is more about your self image.

[figureitout23]

Or

 

Nickel - caring about someone a relationship does not make, compatibility, love, mutual respect and admiration, if you can’t respect your partner there’s something missing and your relationship has an expiration date

 

Candy - maybe she wants a partner who is her equal and not someone she has to drag along with her into adulthood.

 

Like I mentioned earlier, I think in this post, mysogyny likes to push the narrative of a woman having to be ride or die and stick around wait for a man to commit to get a career to decide she’s worthy. Thankfully most women know their worth.Man woman potatoes tomatoes, if a partner is not on your level goal wise, you have every right to decide they are not for you, without feeling guilty about it. You’re only ‘wrong’ if you stick around attempting to change them into who you think they should be.