Ex continues to screw me over

[Zenon1267]

I'm not sure any court would accept "I gave her money to pay off my phone but she reported it stolen and didn't pay it off so I don't have to pay back the money for the loan she took out to help me financially".

 

Those two transactions were not at all connected, correct?

 

Until the two of you stop playing these childish "let's see who can say F you the loudest" games you will never move on.

 

I want to pay it back. But it’s disrespectful to me to do it after what she’s done with the phone. If she fixes the problem it’ll be cool but I highly doubt it even if I did contact her. It would be a waste of time plus I’d be an emotional wreck after.

 

They are not connected.

 

I honestly don’t know how to stop. I go into no contact to move on and feel better and that’s yet to happen. I also thought we’d stick to our agreements. My heart races anytime stuff like this happens. It’s like new stuff to talk about you know?

I never dealt with something like this before.

 

My conversations with my mom and sister are filled with this stuff. I’ll be honest I google her Instagram 5-6 times a day but I never actually look at it. I always stop myself and it’s been going on for a while now. I’m sure I should stop that.

[Capricorn3]

So OP, are you currently getting any professional help for all of your issues? If not, why not?

[maew]

I know you are on here venting about the phone OP... I do however hope that you take the other advice about working on yourself to heart. Starting clean in a new relationship won't solve the behavior problems of gas lighting and emotional abuse because those are your problems not any one else's, and they will just follow you from relationship to relationship until you choose to solve them. This includes the sharing of finances before marriage.

[Annia]

That really makes sense. The problem is the phone is worthless and I still owe money on the other loan. I wanted to pay it off but now I don’t think I will. I refuse to get screwed like that.

 

That loan helped me more than you can imagine. I’m able to afford anything I want now and it was because of her help. That why I wanted to pay it off but she has screwed me with the phone. The remaining amount is equal to the amount I’ve paid for the phone which she made worthless.

 

So you won't pay her a loan she did to help you because you're upset that she did whatever she wanted with HER cellphone account that ended up affecting you? You shouldn't have accepted loans nor have accounts in her name in the first place if you weren't even married or in a many years stable relationship.

 

You're using all this to be angry and to get back at her again. If you really admit that you were abusive and gaslighted her, it's time to admit that this reaction is also part of your abusive tendencies. Just pay what you owe, keep the receipts of the transfers and everything and move along with your life. It's none of your business what she does with her cellphone account or her money.

[Zenon1267]

I know you are on here venting about the phone OP... I do however hope that you take the other advice about working on yourself to heart. Starting clean in a new relationship won't solve the behavior problems of gas lighting and emotional abuse because those are your problems not any one else's, and they will just follow you from relationship to relationship until you choose to solve them. This includes the sharing of finances before marriage.

 

I have worked on it and continue to work on. My therapist told me I needed to feel this pain to understand what my ex went through.

 

I don’t want another relationship like the one me and my ex had. Even tho I loved her there was a lot of things about us that was different and that caused a lot of issues.

 

I know what I want from a relationship now. And I know how to be in one. When I was acting that way I thought it was ok.

 

She didn’t like the fact that I didn’t want to move in with her and that I wasn’t around a lot because of my job(claimed it played a big part in the breakup). All the things I said previously are true BUT a lot I haven’t said because I tried to not believe what she said.

 

Overall she wasn’t happy with her own life. My biggest problem was my lack of emotions and empathy for hers. I realize I could never share a lasting connection with someone like I did her unless I could change how I see my part in relationships.

 

I would just denounce her feelings about the issues like not seeing me on weekends or things like that as redundant. I did care about her feelings tho. One thing that I learned is that women are more emotionally driven then guys are.

 

I guess you could say I did everything I did because I thought I knew better and that I understood what she wanted. When she left me all that went out the window. It’s like the sun didn’t come up because I completely didn’t expect it.

 

I know it won’t happen again. You don’t have to believe me but I know everything I’ve done wrong. I imagine it shook her me admitting all these things. It seemed the only thing she would complain about tho was getting married or moving in with each other. She would tell me how she didn’t like how talked to her a lot. I know I could be very hurtful and angry usually not at her but just about life and take it out on her.

 

I don’t want to be a controlling angry bf. I can look back and see everytime I made a mistake in how I handled and argument or how I handled her feelings. I don’t want to do that and I have learned a lesson from how I treat others just as easy as I have about the finances. Both ended with that relationship.

[Zenon1267]

So you won't pay her a loan she did to help you because you're upset that she did whatever she wanted with HER cellphone account that ended up affecting you? You shouldn't have accepted loans nor have accounts in her name in the first place if you weren't even married or in a many years stable relationship.

 

You're using all this to be angry and to get back at her again. If you really admit that you were abusive and gaslighted her, it's time to admit that this reaction is also part of your abusive tendencies. Just pay what you owe, keep the receipts of the transfers and everything and move along with your life. It's none of your business what she does with her cellphone account or her money.

 

My reaction to someone screwing me over financially is also apart of my abusive tendencies?

I disagree with that. This reaction isn’t that, you guys are having such a hard time understanding where I’m coming from. I would do this with anyone who hasn’t kept there word..

 

I’d like to point out that I helped her financially as well. Anytime she needed help I did it. When it came to money she could get that from me at anytime because it was sorta a way I showed my affection.

 

It’s my business because she took my money and didn’t own up to what she said she was going to do. What she does with her plan or anything in her life isn’t my business and I get that. But the money I’ve given her is my business. I may not have any legal documents to support it but that doesn’t take away from what’s right and wrong. The truth is I don’t wanna know what she’s doing in her life because it bothers me. That’s why she’s blocked on all social media and why I will not contact her.

 

Would you pay off the loans to a company(credit not involved) if they burned your house down and it was equal to what you had left owed on the loan all because it helped you go to school?

 

I’m not denying anything I’ve done let me make that clear. I will remember the power of my actions and the pain I caused in this relationship but I know I’m a different person than I was before. I’ll also remember the pain of being dumped for someone else and that plays a huge role in me not making these mistakes again. Y’all ain’t gotta believe that but it’s how I see things. It works tho and that’s all that matters.

[Zenon1267]

So OP, are you currently getting any professional help for all of your issues? If not, why not?

Yes I have been 10’s of time. Only recently have I stopped going as much.

[Zenon1267]

Should I just text her about this and solve it or what.

[Wiseman2]

Go to the bank and go over the receipts. Collect your proof of repayment. Go to Verizon with all your paperwork, receipts, phone, etc and get yourself an inexpensive prepaid plan. You should sever everything asap after a breakup. Especially anything financial. You need to get out of this precarious position. It doesn't matter whose idea it was to sever things. But it's the right thing to do.

I didn’t have credit at the time so o was on her plan. She also took out a 2,500$ loan to help me pay for school since I didn’t have credit a year and a half ago.

 

she’d honor her word to turn the phone off. Yesterday I checked my emails and received one from Verizon stating that the phone of mine in her name was reported stolen/lost.

[11moreweeks]

Should I just text her about this and solve it or what.

 

Nah, let it go. She's choosing to be immature with the financial situation in the first place, perhaps not letting go of the past to move forward.

 

This is her battle to face. Focus on yourself. She is not your girlfriend. Her financial well-being, emotions/baggage (even if caused by you), and any of that other stuff is not your problem.

 

If she wants to have a serious conversation or solution with you, then she should have to contact you about it in the future. Her financial decisions with you at the moment, in my opinion, offers enough evidence to think she'll continue to screw you over.

 

Keep some money on hand to make sure that, if she does try to financially clean things up with you, then you can do that when she wants to, but don't make it your responsibility if she's shown that she won't play game when you try to make it right in the first place.

 

If the phone she had helped you get is now a brick because it's "lost or stolen", maybe that can be something she gets in lieu of some of the money when she does reach out. It's of no value to you, but should be to her, given her choice.

[maew]

Should I just text her about this and solve it or what.

 

She doesn't want anything to do with you so it's time to let it go, let HER go, and move on with your life.

[East4]

She was a great girl, very sweet and loving. She stood by me threw my tuffest times. Without her I’m sure I wouldn’t be in the position of success I am today.

I know she doesn’t even think positively about me or think about me at all now. I messed it up and I deserved it. She will be the one that got away and the one that made me change. She will always have a special place in my heart and I truly hope she gets everything I couldn’t give her.

 

Well this excerpt comes from your original thread about your ex. She did a lot for you and if you are a decent person you have to pay back the loan she took for you. The last bolded sentence, you may not be able to give her the respect that she certainly dfeserves, but you could certainly give back the money she paid for you. Else all your emotional declaration about how much you value your ex and realise your mistakes, would appear as yet another one of your manipulations.

 

And yeah, like others said you seem to be sliding back to your abusive ways and punishing your ex by refusing to pay the loan. As per your own words, you are turning against the person who built you up to your current position of success and was with you through your toughest times.