Had an OCD meltdown yesterday, have to vent

[doberman100]

Use logic, damn right. I have been trying and again today. Just had to clean up after a bin bag burst and food waste dripped on my kitchen and hall floor.

 

I am immediately thinking screw you OCD, this is food waste. It cant magically transform into an std or aids! Seriously, OCD will have a go at trying to tell me this... sorry no way. I also think where the normal line is... what is reasonable and what is going too far. I need to be able to get through bin incidents and not have it collapse my mind...!

[doberman100]

OCD tried to land a knockout this morning. I noticed that a yellow towel i had washed at 60 degrees, and used after my bath last night, had a reddish tinge at the bottom. Its a brownish shade of yellow now also, which was after the 60 degree wash. Anyway I used it last night and everything is contaminated if i want to go down that road but its just OCD looking to take me down and prevent me from going to work. I refused. I did chuck out the towel and wash my hands, but that aside nothing more as i dont believe it frankly. I sort of feel okay using my logic on this one.

 

That aside i spoke to a specialist ocd treatment centre in my home country and am going to self fund intensive in patient treatment asap when i get back. Resolving to do this has made me feel better. This is the best time to do it, even if i can get rid of 50 percent it will be worth it.

[Batya33]

Do you mean you threw out the towel? I'm glad you're going to see someone and glad you didn't let it escalate beyond!!

[doberman100]

Yes i threw it out and have tried to limit it to just that.

 

Its now a predictable daily challenge. Every day a new danger which is not a danger. Aids blood on this, that, it will be something which is red in colour. This is truly rediculous now.

 

Nothing i can do prevents these occurences it would seem. Happens at home, at work, wherever.

 

Today the only thing that has got me through the day is KNOWING that I need to respond not in an OCD way but in a normal everyday person way. What would most people do, I ask myself. It is extremely unpleasant to sit here feeling in such mortal danger without responding to it, but i know this is what i must do. I must live through it and not respond, get through the panic I feel inside knowing it will die down. It has done this in relation to a few spikes this week and my mind has felt in a little less danger.

 

But this is a horrible existence right now.

[Batya33]

Yes i threw it out and have tried to limit it to just that.

 

Its now a predictable daily challenge. Every day a new danger which is not a danger. Aids blood on this, that, it will be something which is red in colour. This is truly rediculous now.

 

Nothing i can do prevents these occurences it would seem. Happens at home, at work, wherever.

 

Today the only thing that has got me through the day is KNOWING that I need to respond not in an OCD way but in a normal everyday person way. What would most people do, I ask myself. It is extremely unpleasant to sit here feeling in such mortal danger without responding to it, but i know this is what i must do. I must live through it and not respond, get through the panic I feel inside knowing it will die down. It has done this in relation to a few spikes this week and my mind has felt in a little less danger.

 

But this is a horrible existence right now.

 

I understand. I get anxious when there are stomach bugs around -even reading about it - and I like your approach of asking what a more typical response would be.

[Jibralta]

Every day a new danger which is not a danger. Aids blood on this, that, it will be something which is red in colour. This is truly rediculous now.

 

Even though I don't have OCD, I understand what this is like. It happens with anxiety, which I have intermittently (especially in situations that involve loss or abandonment). It's the stupidest thing because it literally makes no sense, yet it is powerfully compelling.

[doberman100]

Hey thanks :) This has been a wake up call for me to reducate myself a bit about panic disorders and anxiety. I know so much of my stuff is not danger but ocd yet still am bewitched by it. It feels real but its not. Whilst its a constant struggle to limit the compulsions, the panic pangs are so frequent my head is spinning a bit. I feel like I need to get back to safety and thats back home. Im going to get there somehow. I have 4 weeks to basically pack up and leave, but so difficult to be productive as in the last 7 days there have been 3 serious ocd spikes which Ive struggled to rationalise, all about contamination. Life is so complicated i cant see the woods for the trees right now. What do you find relaxes you to get tge anxiety down?

[doberman100]

I thought about your logic today and it got ne through a bad moment. :)

[boltnrun]

Is your OCD primarily focused on AIDS and STDs?

 

If so, tell yourself the logical steps that the AIDS or STD would have to take to get into your food waste, then ask yourself if any of it is even remotely possible.

 

As for the discolored towel, how would AIDS have gotten on your towel? Are you the only one who uses it? If so, that means you would have had to have contact with someone who has AIDS, which means you would already have it and you can't infect yourself if you're already infected. And if you're not infected, how would you infect yourself?

 

I just tell myself that if whatever imagined disaster does in fact happen, then I'll just go with it. And I always forget about whatever it was I was obsessing about within a few minutes.

 

I would imagine anxiety over your move is making the OCD worse. Tell yourself "I'm anxious over this move and that is why I am having these thoughts". See if it helps.

[Jibralta]

What do you find relaxes you to get tge anxiety down?

 

When it's really bad, it's like my brain has been hijacked and I can't break free of the ridiculous circular thinking.

 

Sometimes it helps to focus on the immediate environment, something like the sunlight on a wall, or the wind. A sound. A piece of furniture. The feel of a keyboard under my fingers. A line on a piece of paper.

 

I don't think about it; I just sense it. I look at it or feel it or hear it. Whatever sense applies. Anxiety is really just thoughts racing around in your head. When I focus on something immediate, the thoughts go away. Sometimes I just get a second of blankness before the thoughts start to flood back in. But that's something. I let myself regroup and try again.

 

If anxiety starts to interfere with my productiveness, I do my tasks in bursts like an automaton. In the midst of the crazy, racing thoughts, I just visualize what I have to do and put one foot in front of the other until it gets done. Charge forth, eyes closed! Don't think about it.

 

I remember that awesome statement by Winston Churchill: When you're going through hell, keep going.

 

That's how I feel about it.

 

And it makes sense. Why stop and spend time in hell when you can just pass through?

 

I thought about your logic today and it got ne through a bad moment. :)

 

That works, too!

 

You can also just decide not to think about something. Really.

 

Sometimes when I get pissed off and slip into a sneaky hate spiral, I reach a point where I realize that thinking about these things is just making me feel worse. I've learned to say, "I'm not thinking about that anymore." And then I think about something else.

 

It sounds stupidly simple, but it really works.

 

I wasn't always able to do it, though.

[catfeeder]

I remember that awesome statement by Winston Churchill: When you're going through hell, keep going.

 

That's how I feel about it.

 

And it makes sense. Why stop and spend time in hell when you can just pass through?

 

Yes! Well said. I'd heard an abbreviated version, "When in hell, don't stop." ... and for that to make sense to me, I say, "Don't stop and visit hell--push forward."

 

My anxiety came after hurricane Irene in 2012. I lost my home and belongings to mold. During disposal I employed the kind of methods I'd been taught in nursing school. I was regimented and detailed during the process, however, I was continually shaking and concerned about breaking emotionally and losing my job.

 

I used my company EAP (Employee Assistance Program) to meet with a therapist for an assessment because I wanted to learn coping skills for the shaking and whether I was behaving rationally, or whether what I believed was a machine-like tackling of disposal of my property was actually some kind of manic episode, instead. I mean, there was plenty of rage there--I just didn't have time for it.

 

This is why I advocate being kind to yourself about whatever methods you employ for plowing through whatever you 'must' do to get to the other side of it.

 

Sure, the emotional aftermath of 'in between' is tough, and that's why it's important to deliberately decide to be on your own side. If you start imposing guilt and shame on yourself, then you leave yourself nowhere else to go. SOMEBODY needs to be your advocate--and that's you. So credit yourself for operating in your best interests, and set aside the analysis for a safe place in some therapist's office whenever you can manage that.

 

You'll thank yourself later. Especially when you learn that your REASONS for behaving as you do are not without merit. Sure, you may be distorting and overcompensating. That doesn't mean you can't find ways to trim that down and learn how to streamline when you're ready.

 

It took me years to smooth out my anxiety, even while another 100-year hurricane hit only one year later, and I'm still triggered now and then by some weather events or threats. However, instead of reverting back to shame, I've learned how to credit myself with resilience.

 

That's a choice you get to make, too. Shame or resilience. I vote for resilience and 'creative coping,' and I'm with you.

 

Head high.

[doberman100]

Is your OCD primarily focused on AIDS and STDs?

 

If so, tell yourself the logical steps that the AIDS or STD would have to take to get into your food waste, then ask yourself if any of it is even remotely possible.

 

As for the discolored towel, how would AIDS have gotten on your towel? Are you the only one who uses it? If so, that means you would have had to have contact with someone who has AIDS, which means you would already have it and you can't infect yourself if you're already infected. And if you're not infected, how would you infect yourself?

 

I just tell myself that if whatever imagined disaster does in fact happen, then I'll just go with it. And I always forget about whatever it was I was obsessing about within a few minutes.

 

I would imagine anxiety over your move is making the OCD worse. Tell yourself "I'm anxious over this move and that is why I am having these thoughts". See if it helps.

 

Good question. My OCD manifests itself in a number of ways, and contamination has the highest level of anxiety, with the pinnacle being fear of AIDs - with STDs down the list a bit depending on which particular STD. For example, the curable / vaccinated ones I don't really care about.

 

I am applying the logic treatment, and had to do this yesterday rather a lot after thinking I stepped on some blood when out running. It was a nightmare for an hour or so before my mind began to break the problem down and use logic rather than panic. I stepped through the various 'probability' of events, and am trying to re-form the general rule of "If it's extremely remote possibility, it's not worth any worrying or panic". It's really difficult, but I've got to re-learn this - so much depends on re-learning that quick logic that most people employ in a second and then dismiss a fear instantly.

 

The towel, I can see a bit more clearly now (work is done now, just down to prepping to leave the country) - and since I was the only one who used it, blitzed it at 60 degrees - so much that the colour faded (it looked basically brown when it came out the washing machine - cheap dyes I guess), there was no actual danger. But it wreaked absolute havoc on my mind. The whole incident did not pass any reasonable logic test. I wish I was Vulcan and everything I did was based on logic, as I'd have zero problems then.

 

Anxiety and OCD. My god, I thought a lot of about that. My OCD has spiralled both during the breakdown of my marriage, being bullied at work and laid off, and then having to move out of my home as part of the break up to get a job and pay two people's rent for a few months as my ex was out of work. I then took on a huge challenging job which I am 100% capable of but in my diminished state was much harder. Not sure how I managed to hold it together, as having OCD like it this like having a broken arm. All I've been thinking is just make it through the divorce until you can get out of this horrendous situation - just hang on. That's me right now.

 

What seems to help is thinking that the OCD will try its utmost to make me think I'm going to get AIDS, but despite everything it will throw at me - it won't succeed unless I do something that a normal person would think would actually result in having AIDS. I try to imagine me back home, going to the clinic finally, being okay - and getting treatment - I am so looking forward to that. Just gotta make it there.

[doberman100]

When it's really bad, it's like my brain has been hijacked and I can't break free of the ridiculous circular thinking.

 

Sometimes it helps to focus on the immediate environment, something like the sunlight on a wall, or the wind. A sound. A piece of furniture. The feel of a keyboard under my fingers. A line on a piece of paper.

 

I don't think about it; I just sense it. I look at it or feel it or hear it. Whatever sense applies. Anxiety is really just thoughts racing around in your head. When I focus on something immediate, the thoughts go away. Sometimes I just get a second of blankness before the thoughts start to flood back in. But that's something. I let myself regroup and try again.

 

If anxiety starts to interfere with my productiveness, I do my tasks in bursts like an automaton. In the midst of the crazy, racing thoughts, I just visualize what I have to do and put one foot in front of the other until it gets done. Charge forth, eyes closed! Don't think about it.

 

I remember that awesome statement by Winston Churchill: When you're going through hell, keep going.

 

That's how I feel about it.

 

And it makes sense. Why stop and spend time in hell when you can just pass through?

 

 

 

That works, too!

 

You can also just decide not to think about something. Really.

 

Sometimes when I get pissed off and slip into a sneaky hate spiral, I reach a point where I realize that thinking about these things is just making me feel worse. I've learned to say, "I'm not thinking about that anymore." And then I think about something else.

 

It sounds stupidly simple, but it really works.

 

I wasn't always able to do it, though.

 

What a brilliant quote. I love it.

 

And thank you for sharing your anxiety challenges :) Interesting which techniques you do in order to ground yourself again and interrupt the noise. I'm a keen gamer, and I find blotting out all my senses stops me thinking about the OCD stuff entirely. It's a relief.

 

My productiveness it really taking a hit right now, but being 'productive' has been hammered into my head like a nail as part of my job and I think I'm a bit burnt out. I'm trying to give myself a week of just not pressuring myself endlessly (which I always seem to do) setting myself targets all the time. I need some good sleep, rest, let my mind enter deep sleep mode, see if I can see reality better.

 

Do you find quality of sleep affects your anxiety? I wondering how I can get it down to a more natural level. When my anxiety is up, OCD moves in and creates irrational fear.

 

I've caught the OCD a few times in the past 48 hours trying to create absolute nonsense, and I have stopped there and then saying to myself "Hang on, this is nonsense. I actually KNOW what this is - and it's not AIDs!! Sorry OCD, no win for you (swear word)."

[doberman100]

Yes! Well said. I'd heard an abbreviated version, "When in hell, don't stop." ... and for that to make sense to me, I say, "Don't stop and visit hell--push forward."

 

My anxiety came after hurricane Irene in 2012. I lost my home and belongings to mold. During disposal I employed the kind of methods I'd been taught in nursing school. I was regimented and detailed during the process, however, I was continually shaking and concerned about breaking emotionally and losing my job.

 

I used my company EAP (Employee Assistance Program) to meet with a therapist for an assessment because I wanted to learn coping skills for the shaking and whether I was behaving rationally, or whether what I believed was a machine-like tackling of disposal of my property was actually some kind of manic episode, instead. I mean, there was plenty of rage there--I just didn't have time for it.

 

This is why I advocate being kind to yourself about whatever methods you employ for plowing through whatever you 'must' do to get to the other side of it.

 

Sure, the emotional aftermath of 'in between' is tough, and that's why it's important to deliberately decide to be on your own side. If you start imposing guilt and shame on yourself, then you leave yourself nowhere else to go. SOMEBODY needs to be your advocate--and that's you. So credit yourself for operating in your best interests, and set aside the analysis for a safe place in some therapist's office whenever you can manage that.

 

You'll thank yourself later. Especially when you learn that your REASONS for behaving as you do are not without merit. Sure, you may be distorting and overcompensating. That doesn't mean you can't find ways to trim that down and learn how to streamline when you're ready.

 

It took me years to smooth out my anxiety, even while another 100-year hurricane hit only one year later, and I'm still triggered now and then by some weather events or threats. However, instead of reverting back to shame, I've learned how to credit myself with resilience.

 

That's a choice you get to make, too. Shame or resilience. I vote for resilience and 'creative coping,' and I'm with you.

 

Head high.

 

Catfeeder - sorry to hear about the history of your anxiety. This must have been hell. The anxiety must have been off the scale - and you had the same concerns about breaking emotionally and losing your job. I've been there many times through the years in the worst OCD episodes. I think this one is the worst of the lot, after the worst initial phase over a decade ago.

 

This lesson of being kind - it is so important. I'm having to do this, because like you say, it's like if you don't then nobody else will - you've got to. And you have a choice to be kind to yourself. I'm committed to getting this stuff sorted when I get back home, it will get tackled, and making that committment - what more can I ask of myself? I'm also trying to fight this thing with logic, and try to educate myself.

 

Creative coping - that's what's happening now. To get this flat ready for moving, I'm not able to beat all the OCD and obsessions, but I'm trying to find a path that is feasible - that is not perfect but will get me out of here. It's not the quickest path, as my productivity issues due to the OCD are a real problem - but i CAN get there - that is what I am telling myself. I have to be positive, and I have to never give up.

 

Thank you for the words of self pride :)

[Batya33]

I do not have OCD and do not do well with risks of food spoilage/illness/anything to do with stomach bugs etc and what you and others have posted here really gave me something to think about about how to react (especially since I am a role model for my child in this way) - and it really helped in detail this morning with an issue that came up. Thank you and all the best to your continued perseverance!

[Jibralta]

I'm a keen gamer, and I find blotting out all my senses stops me thinking about the OCD stuff entirely. It's a relief.

 

That is interesting! My boyfriend has a similar disposition. He's a gamer, too. He doesn't have OCD, but his sense of order is easily disturbed.

 

Do you find quality of sleep affects your anxiety? I wondering how I can get it down to a more natural level. When my anxiety is up, OCD moves in and creates irrational fear.

 

I am not sure about the sleep. I didn't pay much attention to my sleep patterns until recently. And I haven't had much acute anxiety in the last few years, so I have no way to compare the two.

 

However, I would guess that lack of sleep, or poor sleep, would most likely contribute to increased anxiety. And the internet appears to agree.

 

I've caught the OCD a few times in the past 48 hours trying to create absolute nonsense, and I have stopped there and then saying to myself "Hang on, this is nonsense. I actually KNOW what this is - and it's not AIDs!! Sorry OCD, no win for you (swear word)."

 

You know, I've had AIDS-fear when my anxiety has gotten particularly acute.

 

Any time I go for an STD test, my anxiety level naturally rises a little. But this one time, it was outrageous.

 

It happened when I was driving to the STD clinic. On the way there, I was literally convinced that I had AIDS.

 

I knew logically that it was extremely unlikely. But my mind was reaching for all of these ridiculous OTHER ways that I could have gotten it--and I was believing it!

 

At the time, I wondered if the stress of moving apartments could possibly be causing me to blow things out of proportion. I hoped, but I didn't dare to believe that my fears were unfounded like that. Isn't it weird how fear scares you into believing it?

 

My moving plans panned out before my STD test results came back. As soon as I knew everything was settled for the move, I totally stopped worrying about the STD test results (which all came back fine).

 

I was amazed by that.

 

Anxiety really distorts things. Even the low-grade anxiety that I experienced in my last job affected my thinking and my outlook. I see that clearly, now that I am in a new job and happier.

[doberman100]

Jibralta, awesome that your new job has helped fix up the anxiety. Work is such a huge aspect in life, so if thats not working out it can have far reaching impacts on well being. And at the peak it sounds similar to my symptoms on STDs and the like.

 

I do think of my STD test in the future proving all this nonsense wrong. I have been for so many tests over years, due to my OCD.

 

Today I made a push at packing one box of my stuff. OCD stood there predictably to try and stop me. If I try to explain why, its rediculous. OCD has this 'cross contamination theroem' so when one infected thing (by extreme improbability that normal people dismiss) touches another thing, that thing becomes JUST as infected as the other. Kind of like a computer game really, except reality doesnt work that way. Still OCD thinks it does.

 

So in this case it is two game controllers next to two books that i got out of my wardrobe when i was ok that things in my wardrobe were not infected. But at some point due to escalation of my OCD, everything in the wardrobe became infected AFTER i moved the books. Yes, thats right. I moved the books when afraid of the bed and mattress, and ONLY the bed and mattress, but since then, the OCD has widened its net and captured the entire wardrobe contents, somehow. I mean, how on earth is that supposed to make any sense?

 

If the books are fine, then the cross contamination theorem fails. The books WERE fine! I cannot begin to justify this contamination in any reasonable terms.

[Wiseman2]

Does it get worse when you are stressed, tired or not in your normal routine?

[doberman100]

OCD definitely gets worse when Im stressed, but I find having a purpose every day like a job really helps. Knowing you have an obligation you consider unacceptable to stop because of OCD, drives you to sometimes plough on through the fear.

 

Today I was gripped by fear for probably 3 hours whilst i tried to "wait it out" rather than solve through obsessive cleaning or chucking things out.

 

I also realised my life was already complicated by OCD to breaking point, which might mean i cant even get it together to leave the country. The controllers in with my other packed stuff, the books... what might OCD want me to do? It was a crisis moment, and I waited for some kind of insight.

 

In the end, i decided i would make the controllers safe by touching them all over and then making myself a toasted sandwich, ensuring i ate with my hands the whole thing. Then it would not matter and nothing would need to be cleaned or thrown out. Feeling energised by this i ordered a delivery burger and chips, and before eating with my hands i got the books and gripped them all over, every edge, and then ate with my hands. I feel uneasy, but at least i can pack without FURTHER complications. I guess I decided to draw a line and use the extreme improbability rule. But honestly i felt i was in the last chance saloon on this one.

[doberman100]

Still ocd tries to shut me down. This morning i got some take out breakfast and coffee had overflowed onto the plastic bag. I knew this because it was wet and coffee coloured. Going down that road means colour becomes irrelevant, which would be hellish. Brown also meanind Aids? A disaster. I am more and more disassociating myself with Ocd, it is my enemy, not me. I get angry with it and tell it where to go. It literally wants to take me out, destroy my life and the things i love, including getting take out and coffee. Pretty evil tbh.

[Jibralta]

I may have said this before, but I think it's a good sign that you view your OCD as a separate entity.

 

Also, the descriptions are great. Obviously absurd, but also quite understandable. Not understandable because they make sense, but because that's how the mind works. It's like some script has hacked your brain and is running its own processes on your operating system.

[doberman100]

I may have said this before, but I think it's a good sign that you view your OCD as a separate entity.

 

Also, the descriptions are great. Obviously absurd, but also quite understandable. Not understandable because they make sense, but because that's how the mind works. It's like some script has hacked your brain and is running its own processes on your operating system.

 

Great analogy. It fits perfectly. I had no say in this made up stuff. Its like an invader for sure.

 

Analogies really work for me. The last few weeks have been a series of me trying to dodge sniper shots to the head. I feel Im coming that close.

[Batya33]

Still ocd tries to shut me down. This morning i got some take out breakfast and coffee had overflowed onto the plastic bag. I knew this because it was wet and coffee coloured. Going down that road means colour becomes irrelevant, which would be hellish. Brown also meanind Aids? A disaster. I am more and more disassociating myself with Ocd, it is my enemy, not me. I get angry with it and tell it where to go. It literally wants to take me out, destroy my life and the things i love, including getting take out and coffee. Pretty evil tbh.

 

Why does brown coffee make you think of an aids risk? Is it because it looks like dried blood and you weren't sure what had spilled?

[boltnrun]

I do understand that logic doesn't always apply with OCD...in fact, it almost never does.

 

I can tell myself "I already checked the stove 5 times! It didn't spontaneously turn itself back on!!" But then I think "But what if I didn't REALLY check it? What if I just THINK I did??" And back I go, checking it again.

 

But I've gotten a better handle on it. I now tell myself "OK, maybe I didn't really check the stove the 8 times I checked it. So, the apartment will catch fire and the smoke alarm will go off, alerting the fire department, who will put the fire out." And I go on with my day.

 

OP, seems from your writing that your OCD is getting stronger. Can you try to pinpoint why that is?

[doberman100]

Why does brown coffee make you think of an aids risk? Is it because it looks like dried blood and you weren't sure what had spilled?

 

No, it looked like coffee. Identical to coffee. My ocd tries to turn everything into blood it would seem! Nice.