DancingFool Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 ***To an extent, absolutely. What it's been on my account, is a half baked ignorant way of dealing with it, by reassuring here that she may sleep more than she thinks (and I did stress "may" at the time"). It's not calling her out on the snoring, nor looking to avoid sleeping elsewhere.** I understand that your intent in how you communicated with her was different. What I'm telling is you is how it might come across to her and others and why she might be calling you controlling and manipulative as a result. I would look at yourself a little bit deeper. You are defensive. Even though you genuinely want feedback on what went wrong, your responses even here come across as defensive. There is a lot of over thinking going on and a lot of claiming you were reassuring her, but..... Look, the very fact that you are trying to understand what's happened makes you a good and caring person, but go further. Work on yourself, your thought patterns and your communication style more. Some of this is over thinking on your part and then thinking on behalf of the other person, which leaves you in a situation where you aren't responding to what actually is. What you are doing is common for many people and can be fixed. Link to comment
maew Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 I guess I am invalidating her and being condescending first...? Bingo. I am sure you didn't intend to dismiss and invalidate her... I am also sure that you have heard the saying that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. If you want to be supportive, try listening and acknowledging how she feels and then asking her what she needs from you. By the way, snoring is NOT an indication of sleeping well... when a person is snoring, they are often in one of the lighter stages of sleep. Link to comment
RedDress Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 In this case, why is it ok for my observation of "You were snoring" to be discounted / denied / dismissed / ignored...? The observation is something I am experiencing, but it doesn't seem to get taken into account... We (or at least I) are invalidating it because it is invalid (lol! Sorry...) As someone else pointed out, an observation of snoring is not necessarily an indicator that she is well rested. It could be for a period of time. It could be sleep apnea! (Which would mean that she is not sleeping properly!) Short of being a medical doctor at a sleep clinic, the best indicator of whether or not she is sleeping well is whether or not SHE thinks she is sleeping well and/or is tired in the morning. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 Agree. Her house, her rules. She doesn't want to be insulted in her own home and criticized for snoring by some dude who is enjoying her hospitality. Go home.I would just put me pants on and go home mate ...all this drama ... Link to comment
DanZee Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 Yeah, girls are all about their feelings and guys just want to fix things. So you started "man-splaining" (man explaining) about her sleep and trying to tell her how she could fix things while you should have been saying you're sorry and you'll try to do better. When she told you you were manipulative and controlling, what she meant was the man-splaining part. Women hate the man-splaining. They feel it's condescending and belittling, (even though that's how men explain things to each other). In the future, when you're talking about anything, instead of trying to tell her what she can do, perhaps you should ask her what you can do. When it comes to sleeping, none of us have much control over it. So just try to empathize with the situation, don't explain it. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 Agree. Great portmanteau. It mansplains a lot even to us men. So you started "man-splaining" (man explaining) When she told you you were manipulative and controlling, what she meant was the man-splaining part. Women hate the man-splaining. They feel it's condescending and belittling, (even though that's how men explain things to each other). Link to comment
Annia Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 Snoring is not an indicator of sleeping and resting well. I have problems breathing properly through my nose at night and snore a bit and I don't feel well rested when I wake up, even if I don't remember waking up during the night. But yes, don't try to justify your self or be defensive and discuss with the intend of being right. Communicate effectively and pick your battles. Acknowledge your partner's feelings. Listen. Yes you're entitled to disagree with her but don't be defensive nor dismissive of how she feels. Arguing and being defensive over this instead of acknowledging and respecting how she feels won't take you nowhere. Instead you should acknowledge the problem and work to fix it with her. You and her need to work on your communication skills as a couple. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 OP, you Initially said you had issues with restless leg syndrome. She told you that this is what kept her up. Why has this all been focused on her snoring ? Link to comment
thisisrichey Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 what you said wasn't manipulative. But what she is doing is controlling and manipulative. I'd leave her right away. what.. she can take jabs at you but you can't say something in the equivalent spirit back? No thank hyou. Link to comment
ginandolive Posted December 4, 2018 Author Share Posted December 4, 2018 Yeah, girls are all about their feelings and guys just want to fix things. So you started "man-splaining" (man explaining) about her sleep and trying to tell her how she could fix things while you should have been saying you're sorry and you'll try to do better. When she told you you were manipulative and controlling, what she meant was the man-splaining part. Women hate the man-splaining. They feel it's condescending and belittling, (even though that's how men explain things to each other). In the future, when you're talking about anything, instead of trying to tell her what she can do, perhaps you should ask her what you can do. When it comes to sleeping, none of us have much control over it. So just try to empathize with the situation, don't explain it. Awesome reply, love the mansplaining term Link to comment
ginandolive Posted December 4, 2018 Author Share Posted December 4, 2018 what you said wasn't manipulative. But what she is doing is controlling and manipulative. I'd leave her right away. what.. she can take jabs at you but you can't say something in the equivalent spirit back? No thank hyou. Now, this is really interesting...I don't agree with you though. I appreciate the response, but I don't think she is being manipulative and controlling nor will I leave her.. What intrigues me about your response is that whilst I am reading Prof Steve Peters Chimp Paradox book, he highlights in a simplistic way that there are two parts to our brain, the human and the chimp...now when you have two people in a relationship with two very active brain chimps that work off presumption, assumption, get defensive (i.e ME....but.... also my GF), it's very easy for someone to raise an issue, not in the best way, having read some kind of hidden meaning into something being said/done, it could be inadvertent and it is condescending, yes, but it's also important for the other person to consider their reaction to someones mistake and/or recognise the good intent. Pull me up on it for sure, but watch out for and jumping on the "manipulative controlling gaslighting intimidation terminology" language bandwagon as that's really strong emotive stuff, Yes my responses to her were crap, now we are in an argument I might end up confusing you, before you know it, now I am gaslighting you am I??? Well you're also confusing me, so you're gaslighting me right??? (hence why the jabs comment was interesting)...We're gaslighting each other. (we're not by the way) !!!...... My achilles heel is reacting to all of this. I am crap at it I don't want to be that "you made me do it/say it" guy...hence why I am here and I have found your comments really useful and will immediately look to change my behaviour, but the onus shouldn't be 100% on me, 90% or whatever yes...not 100% Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted December 4, 2018 Share Posted December 4, 2018 👉🤣👍🐵🙊🙈🙉🐒👇😱 Yikes! Reading this made me crave a banana 🍌two people in a relationship with two very active brain chimps that work off presumption, assumption, get defensive Link to comment
ginandolive Posted December 4, 2018 Author Share Posted December 4, 2018 OP, you Initially said you had issues with restless leg syndrome. She told you that this is what kept her up. Why has this all been focused on her snoring ? Appreciate the thread has been Holly, however I am taking steps to get rid of this (avoid dehydration, exercise, breathing techniques, topical magnesium) and GF is aware. I do hold my hands up about being naive about the snoring and equating it with deep sleep. It's never been an issue about her snoring affecting my sleep Link to comment
ginandolive Posted December 4, 2018 Author Share Posted December 4, 2018 👉🤣👍🐵🙊🙈🙉🐒👇😱 Yikes! Reading this made me crave a banana 🍌 #1 Best Seller in Practical & Motivational Self Help, Amazon :-) Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted December 4, 2018 Share Posted December 4, 2018 Bananas are good for leg cramps because they are rich in electrolytes. 🍌🐒#1 Best Seller in Practical & Motivational Self Help, Amazon :-) Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.