Hatefulone82 Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 This post isnt so much about the cheating its about the people who knew and what they knew. Heres background: Me 36 Girlfriend 33 Other guy 19 Been together 5 years Cheating 1 year Started 11-6-17 Ended a WEEK ago Being cheated on is bad enough but finding out others close to you knew and didn't tell you only adds to the hurt. Im pissed but havent confronted any of them yet. Whats the best way for me to deal with this ?? Should I ask them why they didnt tell me or no ?? Advice or opinions ??? Link to comment
annie24 Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 Welcome to ENA. I guess it depends on who these people are, how close are you to them? For some people, it’s a no win scenario. Would you have believed them? Would you have yelled at then? Many people would rather stay out of it. The messenger always get shot, as the saying goes. Plus, some couples have open relationships so maybe they thought you already knew? i think you should be mad at your gf for actively lying to you, repeatedly. She should be your ex. Go get an STD test. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 Wow! I am so sorry! Nineteen!?!?! What the hell!!!! How did you find out? How do you know that they knew? How close are these people? Link to comment
mack1490 Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 Holy hell! I thought my situation was bad! I'm so sorry man, what a horrible situation. Dude, you have every right to confront the people who didn't tell you about this. I would be more mad at your girlfriend for cheating on you with a 19 year old! 33 year old messing with a 19 year old?!? For a whole year and you didn't know about it?! Your girlfriend is older than me and I could never ever see me sleeping with a 19 year old, ever. Dude I would lose myself if I were in your shoes. Kick this woman to the curb bro, if any 33 year old is cheating on their grown SO with someone as young as that, it just goes to show they have series issues. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 How did you find out she was cheating? How did your friends find out? Are these people who knew about it her people or yours? How do you know they knew and how long did they know about it? Being cheated on is bad enough but finding out others close to you knew and didn't tell you only adds to the hurt. Should I ask them why they didnt tell me or no ? Link to comment
Chris12189 Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 if they are YOUR friends then yes I agree you should be mad, but you can't expect her friends/family to rat her out to you Link to comment
Hollyj Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 if they are YOUR friends then yes I agree you should be mad, but you can't expect her friends/family to rat her out to you A best friend or family should. Link to comment
goddess Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 if they are YOUR friends then yes I agree you should be mad, but you can't expect her friends/family to rat her out to you Why not??? Then you think it's OK for them to not have told him? Really? Sorry, I disagree. They could have tactfully mentioned it in some way. I think it was terrible that it went on for an entire year and no one bothered to tell him. That's just wrong on so many levels! Link to comment
goddess Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 I am so sorry. The fact that she's 33 and did it with a 19 year old is pathetic. She's got some serious issues. I definitely would ask them. What do you have to lose? They did you a disservice by not telling you, so why should you spare them the embarrassment or discomfort? And, these are friends??? Some friends... Link to comment
Hatefulone82 Posted November 12, 2018 Author Share Posted November 12, 2018 Welcome to ENA. I guess it depends on who these people are, how close are you to them? For some people, it’s a no win scenario. Would you have believed them? Would you have yelled at then? Many people would rather stay out of it. The messenger always get shot, as the saying goes. Plus, some couples have open relationships so maybe they thought you already knew? i think you should be mad at your gf for actively lying to you, repeatedly. She should be your ex. Go get an STD test. Some neigbors Some members of commom gatherings Possibly some family ( maybe ) Link to comment
Hatefulone82 Posted November 12, 2018 Author Share Posted November 12, 2018 Wow! I am so sorry! Nineteen!?!?! What the hell!!!! How did you find out? How do you know that they knew? How close are these people? Some neighbors He's my moms friends son His mom She finally admitted to me. She said she had a secret liking for athletic guys. They know because shes close to them Link to comment
Hollyj Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 The first two. No. If family knew, then it is unacceptable. If any close friends knew, that is wrong. Link to comment
Hatefulone82 Posted November 12, 2018 Author Share Posted November 12, 2018 Holy hell! I thought my situation was bad! I'm so sorry man, what a horrible situation. Dude, you have every right to confront the people who didn't tell you about this. I would be more mad at your girlfriend for cheating on you with a 19 year old! 33 year old messing with a 19 year old?!? For a whole year and you didn't know about it?! Your girlfriend is older than me and I could never ever see me sleeping with a 19 year old, ever. Dude I would lose myself if I were in your shoes. Kick this woman to the curb bro, if any 33 year old is cheating on their grown SO with someone as young as that, it just goes to show they have series issues. What happened with you?. Thanks. I dumped her BTW Link to comment
Hatefulone82 Posted November 12, 2018 Author Share Posted November 12, 2018 How did you find out she was cheating? How did your friends find out? Are these people who knew about it her people or yours? How do you know they knew and how long did they know about it? She finally admitted it. It was a secret attraction to athletic fuesty young guys. She said sge had no intention of cheating when we first got together. We live in a small community. Link to comment
Hatefulone82 Posted November 12, 2018 Author Share Posted November 12, 2018 I am so sorry. The fact that she's 33 and did it with a 19 year old is pathetic. She's got some serious issues. I definitely would ask them. What do you have to lose? They did you a disservice by not telling you, so why should you spare them the embarrassment or discomfort? And, these are friends??? Some friends... Some neighbors and people on both sides Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 Unfortunately most people do not want to be the bearer of bad news. Don't expect neighbors, acquaintances, mutual friends, or her friends/family to get involved. Did your mother even know about it? Some neighbors and people on both sides Link to comment
Hatefulone82 Posted November 12, 2018 Author Share Posted November 12, 2018 Unfortunately most people do not want to be the bearer of bad news. Don't expect neighbors, acquaintances, mutual friends, or her friends/family to get involved. Did your mother even know about it? That's what I DON'T know. Do u think they were trying to protect him from his actions cause of his age ?? Link to comment
DancingFool Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 Try not to displace your anger about what she did on others. Generally speaking, people tend to avoid getting involved in these kinds of messes. Either they don't have enough proof to stir the pot, fear that you'll shoot the messenger so to speak, or assume that you know but are choosing to turn a blind eye to it. Either way, not their circus not their monkey. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 Your mother would have told you but it's doubtful this type of thing would be revealed to her. After all most cheating is secretive and she was able to hide it from you. No they aren't protecting him, they just don't want to be involved if they are neighbors, her people, etc. It sounds like you weren't betrayed by your people. He's an adult, his age is irrelevant. There is a lot of hurt and shock after cheating and a lot of unanswered questions and only ifs. In retrospect, what were the signs.That's what I DON'T know. Do u think they were trying to protect him from his actions cause of his age ?? Link to comment
goddess Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 Some neighbors and people on both sides What Wiseman2 said but genuine friends would have told you, IMHO. If she hadn't told you, how long were these "friends" and family willing to keep up this charade? I know you're hurt/angry/upset but do not take your anger out on them. Perhaps you should wait until you've calmed down a bit. I think if you tactfully speak up, it might help you in some way. If you don't, the resentment/anger that's inside you will fester and not go away and will always eat at you. These friends will probably say they were uncomfortable, etc and more than likely apologise to you. I believe that might help heal your hurt to some degree. That's just how I feel. Link to comment
Hatefulone82 Posted November 12, 2018 Author Share Posted November 12, 2018 Oh ok this makes sense Link to comment
bluecastle Posted November 12, 2018 Share Posted November 12, 2018 When my ex cheated on me, a few mutual friends knew. It was a bit murky, as my ex kind of framed things as us being "in a spot" and "on a break," but, yeah, they more or less knew. They didn't say anything until after we broke up, and, honestly, I wasn't upset. It was my crazy wave to ride, and personally I'm not one to meddle in other's relationships. Even the most black and white stuff, like cheating, can be a murky swamp to wade into. Anyhow, I'm feeling for you, buddy. Nineteen is just not cool on so many levels. But I'd advise you, best you can, to keep your feelings targeted to your gf. This was her doing, her choice, and where you go from here is yours. Best of luck. Link to comment
Hatefulone82 Posted November 12, 2018 Author Share Posted November 12, 2018 When my ex cheated on me, a few mutual friends knew. It was a bit murky, as my ex kind of framed things as us being "in a spot" and "on a break," but, yeah, they more or less knew. They didn't say anything until after we broke up, and, honestly, I wasn't upset. It was my crazy wave to ride, and personally I'm not one to meddle in other's relationships. Even the most black and white stuff, like cheating, can be a murky swamp to wade into. Anyhow, I'm feeling for you, buddy. Nineteen is just not cool on so many levels. But I'd advise you, best you can, to keep your feelings targeted to your gf. This was her doing, her choice, and where you go from here is yours. Best of luck. What does that mean wrong on so many levels ?? Link to comment
annie24 Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 Some neigbors Some members of commom gatherings Possibly some family ( maybe ) If I were out and I saw my neighbor or acquaintance out with someone who is not their spouse/bf/gf, I wouldn't immediately assume the worst. I might think that is just a coworker, or a friend, or maybe a sister/brother/cousin. And even if I saw them kissing or holding hands, I know a lot of people have open relationships or "don't ask/don't tell" relationships. I wouldn't really feel like it is my place to go up to someone and say, "hey - I saw your gf at Starbucks drinking coffee with another man." For all I know, that was her boss and they were having a meeting, or that guy was just a friend, nothing more. I'd also feel super awkward saying something like, 'I saw your wife kissing someone else in the parking lot, is she allowed to do that??" like, totally not my place. As for your family, I would hope they would tell you. I would ask them what they know. It sounds like you're not even sure if they knew or what they knew. If I saw my cousin's husband kissing someone else, I would tell her. But still, I wouldn't know if they have an open marriage or not. They have a good marriage, but I would be hesitant to rock the boat or maybe that's their thing??? Link to comment
catfeeder Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 Since you have no clarity about who knows what, I'd decide whether I want to cater to paranoia by playing out a witch hunt to create enemies, or whether serving my own long range interests for social and emotional support is a better option. What, exactly, would lashing out to go accusatory on the people in your life buy you? Why 'should' your neighbors and friends have positioned themselves to police your ex? I'd rather skip unnecessary drama and make it my private goal, instead, to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back from this to build a fabulous future for myself. Head high. Link to comment
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