Was I really nothing?

[Starry]

Some background info: My ex and I were together for 1 year and 2 months. I was his first real relationship. I took his virginity, I showed him what being in love was. He is 21 and I'm 25. He dumped me in late July. There was no cheating involved or abuse. He thought we had different values (fair enough, but I never understood that and he really couldn't give any good examples as to how) and were incompatible and he just wasn't in love with me anymore. With that said, the breakup was indeed bad... He did it over Discord, he said I was annoying and irritating, cursing, claiming he never wanted to speak to me again and overall, was very nasty. He later apologized for how he spoke to me, but it's still a vivid memory.

 

About two weeks after the breakup, we started talking again, and in an attempt to keep him by my side, I agreed to have a friends with benefits type of situation with him. He made sure to always remind me that one day we would have to go our separate ways and he would not have a relationship with me again. Yet, when he saw how "flirty" I was with friends, he would get jealous and I felt encouraged, like he was developing feelings for me again. However, he was aware I had more feelings for him than he did for me. His friends and family would tell him what he was doing was wrong and leading me on. He felt guilty sometimes, but I would assure him I could handle it - admittedly, only because I didn't want to lose him. Since we acted very relationshipy and more than simply FWB, I thought we could reconcile one day. I was delusional, to say the least.

 

While drunk with me, after he had a very bad day, he decides out of no where (to me, that is), that he wants to start dating again. I was shocked by the turnaround and asked him what sprung this thought, if there was another girl, etc. He assured me there wasn't, but since he's in university, in his words, "it's not hard to find dates on a college campus". He suggested we could be friends, but acknowledged that in the end, it was my choice and he would understand if I didn't want to be. He told me I wasn't long-term relationship material. Naturally, I felt used and heart broken. We were incredibly close and affectionate, talked 24/7 for over a year minus the two weeks we didn't speak and yet, just like that, he was okay with me being out of his life.

 

Now: I instantly went NC for the sake of my sanity and it's been exactly 30 days since we last spoke. I deleted him from most things as soon as I went NC, but two days ago, he unfollowed me from Spotify and I cried - the first time since we stopped talking. I think it just hit me. Not once has he been tempted to text me, not even to check up on how I'm doing. The last thing I told him was that he could text me if he needed me and that was that. At this point, I don't want to get back together, so it's not like I'm still clinging to that idea. But the fact that he could get rid of me and be okay with me out of his life so easily, stings. Like, did I really mean nothing to him? I didn't leave an impact? He isn't thinking about me all the time? It's not hard for him too?

 

I'm not sure why I'm asking this. But I just don't get it. I was good to him and I really did love him. We were very close. Even if he's a dumper, isn't there a void there when the dumpee is gone? How do I get past this thought process of my ego being bruised?

[DanZee]

Well, you can get over this by seeing this guy for what he really is. When he broke up with you, chances are he had his eye on another girl and wanted to date her (if he hadn't already been out with her.) So he might have cheated on you, at least emotionally, and you should be angry. He never felt the same way about you as you did for him, so just because you were good to him and loved him, that doesn't mean you could make him love you. And then you allowed him to use you as a FWB rather than breaking up with him, and you should be angry that he did this to you.

 

The sad truth is that in a relationship, one person always loves a person more than the other. And in this case, your boyfriend just didn't care enough to experience the break up as you do. We've all been dumped. Welcome to the club. I don't think your ego was bruised, rather your heart was broken. It will heal with time. Try to distract yourself with going out, hanging out with your friends, exercising, concentrating on your interests and hobbies, go to parties and get out in the sun. Things will get better with time and you'll heal faster if you see that he used you and he's not a nice guy. Just keep moving on.

[Honeycomb8]

You're probably a little old for him and in different stages of your lives. He doesn't respect you nor is he treating you the way you should be, because he doesn't care the way he might have before. Cut him off, he's only using you.

[Eymerich]

It's not hard for him too?

 

Well, just my 2 cents but even if it is hard for him too he will not show it to you.

 

There is a moto in my country : "don't let anyone know that you endure/suffer, otherwise they will use it as a breach against you". You can only break this moto with your closest friend if you have endured a lot with him but that is all.

 

So either he does suffer and he knows that motto and won't let you know or he does not suffer at all. Whatever the case is, you will not know.

 

He isn't thinking about me all the time?

 

Sorry for being very cold and honest but the world ain't revolve around you, so no he is not thinking about you all the time.

 

How do I get past this thought process of my ego being bruised?

 

I'm not judgemental and each and everyone of us conduct our lives the best we could so by stating the following I'm by no mean condemn you or any of that.

 

I think you need more self-respect and dignity, and this come from someone who has like zero self-esteem.

 

I mean, in what world could you agree to talk again to someone who trash talked you and dump you over discord and on top of that sleep with him again. If you don't want to have your ego bruised, start to not let people to that to you.

 

You are dump, trash talk, accept to be use as a fuc... sex partner and show your weaknesses, no wonder that you feel like .

 

My advice : dry your tears, never talk to this guy again, chest out, heads up and never put yourself in this situation again, better be alone rather than being at the mercy of anyone, whether it is in friendship or in a relationship.

 

Good luck

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Excellent you went no contact. He sounds much too immature for you. Get on some dating apps with a nice profile and pics and start dating men your own age who you don't want to mother or fix or control.

I was his first real relationship. I took his virginity, I showed him what being in love was. He is 21 and I'm 25. this thought process of my ego being bruised?

[Starry]

Well, you can get over this by seeing this guy for what he really is. When he broke up with you, chances are he had his eye on another girl and wanted to date her (if he hadn't already been out with her.) So he might have cheated on you, at least emotionally, and you should be angry. He never felt the same way about you as you did for him, so just because you were good to him and loved him, that doesn't mean you could make him love you. And then you allowed him to use you as a FWB rather than breaking up with him, and you should be angry that he did this to you.

 

The sad truth is that in a relationship, one person always loves a person more than the other. And in this case, your boyfriend just didn't care enough to experience the break up as you do. We've all been dumped. Welcome to the club. I don't think your ego was bruised, rather your heart was broken. It will heal with time. Try to distract yourself with going out, hanging out with your friends, exercising, concentrating on your interests and hobbies, go to parties and get out in the sun. Things will get better with time and you'll heal faster if you see that he used you and he's not a nice guy. Just keep moving on.

 

You're probably right. It actually angers me that he couldn't be honest about meeting somebody else first. I think he was still trying to spare my feelings, but it would have made the whole situation 10x easier if he just admitted he found somebody else, instead of just wanting to date suddenly. Hearing it straight from him would have activated a righteous fury in me, lol.

 

I'm not drowning in tears every night, but I'm still sad and hurt. He's on my mind a lot, even though I'm aware he used me and treated me terribly. I've been reminding myself of why this was for the best so I can move on and it helps. I think I'm still recovering from the loss and masking it as an ego thing. You're right... It is heart break. I've been hanging out with friends on the weekends, keeping busy with work. I've gone on a few dates too, they were nice, but I need time to heal by myself. No intention of breaking NC.

[Starry]

Well, just my 2 cents but even if it is hard for him too he will not show it to you.

 

There is a moto in my country : "don't let anyone know that you endure/suffer, otherwise they will use it as a breach against you". You can only break this moto with your closest friend if you have endured a lot with him but that is all.

 

So either he does suffer and he knows that motto and won't let you know or he does not suffer at all. Whatever the case is, you will not know.

 

 

 

Sorry for being very cold and honest but the world ain't revolve around you, so no he is not thinking about you all the time.

 

 

 

I'm not judgemental and each and everyone of us conduct our lives the best we could so by stating the following I'm by no mean condemn you or any of that.

 

I think you need more self-respect and dignity, and this come from someone who has like zero self-esteem.

 

I mean, in what world could you agree to talk again to someone who trash talked you and dump you over discord and on top of that sleep with him again. If you don't want to have your ego bruised, start to not let people to that to you.

 

You are dump, trash talk, accept to be use as a fuc... sex partner and show your weaknesses, no wonder that you feel like .

 

My advice : dry your tears, never talk to this guy again, chest out, heads up and never put yourself in this situation again, better be alone rather than being at the mercy of anyone, whether it is in friendship or in a relationship.

 

Good luck

 

Oh, I didn't mean it like the world revolves around me. I think about him a lot still, I just wonder to myself if he thinks about me often too.

 

I wasn't really thinking rationally. I was looking at the situation with rose colored glasses. I was sacrificing my boundaries and self worth and self-esteem to keep him in my life because I loved him. I am realizing though, now that we're a part and I can think clearly, I am becoming way more confident than before. I know what I want out of my next relationship, that's for sure.

[Starry]

Sorry to hear this. Excellent you went no contact. He sounds much too immature for you. Get on some dating apps with a nice profile and pics and start dating men your own age who you don't want to mother or fix or control.

 

You're absolutely right! I need someone who isn't gonna use me as their training wheels. He was definitely not mature enough for a long-term relationship. Thank you for saying this, it's good to get a reminder.

[Starry]

You're probably a little old for him and in different stages of your lives. He doesn't respect you nor is he treating you the way you should be, because he doesn't care the way he might have before. Cut him off, he's only using you.

 

Yep. I deleted his number and everything. I have no plans on contacting him.

 

I just get these weak moments where I wonder to myself.

[thisisrichey]

in the end.. sorry to say.. you only have yourself to blame, not him. He was very straight forward with you, being very clear about his intentions and that there was NO long-term relationships here and that he didnt see you that way. You kept convincing yourself and hoping that if you just clung on long enough he would change his mind - instead of just LISTENING to EXACTLY what he was saying.

 

In this case, you hurt yourself. He did not hurt you. Well, yes, he hurt you but it was really YOU that lied to yourself about the reality of this situation. The lesson learned here is to NEVER do that again. Always deal in REALITY and don't convince yourself you can change reality. UNDERSTAND reality first.. then make your decision based on reality - not your own fantasies.

 

i am very sorry this happened to you. but the lesson here (to help prevent it in the future) is working on YOU and how YOU handled things - not about judging and criticizing him.

[Jennifer2018]

Sorry to hear this. Excellent you went no contact. He sounds much too immature for you. Get on some dating apps with a nice profile and pics and start dating men your own age who you don't want to mother or fix or control.

 

He sounds too immature for her??

They both sound terribly immature. He is 21 and in college.. its time to be free and explore. He didnt do a good job of telling you.. bu the message is clear.

Time to move on. (easier said than done, I know) hang out with your friends.. try something new.

[Starry]

in the end.. sorry to say.. you only have yourself to blame, not him. He was very straight forward with you, being very clear about his intentions and that there was NO long-term relationships here and that he didnt see you that way. You kept convincing yourself and hoping that if you just clung on long enough he would change his mind - instead of just LISTENING to EXACTLY what he was saying.

 

In this case, you hurt yourself. He did not hurt you. Well, yes, he hurt you but it was really YOU that lied to yourself about the reality of this situation. The lesson learned here is to NEVER do that again. Always deal in REALITY and don't convince yourself you can change reality. UNDERSTAND reality first.. then make your decision based on reality - not your own fantasies.

 

i am very sorry this happened to you. but the lesson here (to help prevent it in the future) is working on YOU and how YOU handled things - not about judging and criticizing him.

 

It takes two to tango. As much as I was aware that he didn't want to be with me and I was in denial, he was also aware I had deeper feelings for him and would work on taking him back, if he wanted. He knew this. He didn't have to spend weekends at my house, he didn't have to have sex with me. No one was forcing him to. He knew I had feelings, he told me himself that night when he ended our situation that he was just playing with my heart. He knew my intentions too, but still took advantage of that vulnerability of me. I often asked him if he would still visit me if we didn't have sex, and he would say yes. He's a user, plain and simple. I have every right to criticize somebody who used me. I've been a dumper, I've had exes who still wanted me sexually. Did I take advantage of that? No. I rejected them every time. Acting like he isn't in fault for how messy things became is wrong too.

 

And like I said earlier, now that I'm no longer involved with him, I recognize how I want my next relationship to be. I sacrificed parts of myself, my boundaries, to keep somebody around me. That's not what I'll ever do again in the future. And I hope he doesn't take advantage of another girl in the future, too.

[Starry]

He sounds too immature for her??

They both sound terribly immature. He is 21 and in college.. its time to be free and explore. He didnt do a good job of telling you.. bu the message is clear.

Time to move on. (easier said than done, I know) hang out with your friends.. try something new.

 

Lol, for the record, I'm 25, yes, but I'm also a full-time student too. I don't use that as an excuse.

[thisisrichey]

It takes two to tango. As much as I was aware that he didn't want to be with me and I was in denial, he was also aware I had deeper feelings for him and would work on taking him back, if he wanted. He knew this. He didn't have to spend weekends at my house, he didn't have to have sex with me. No one was forcing him to. He knew I had feelings, he told me himself that night when he ended our situation that he was just playing with my heart. He knew my intentions too, but still took advantage of that vulnerability of me. I often asked him if he would still visit me if we didn't have sex, and he would say yes. He's a user, plain and simple. I have every right to criticize somebody who used me. I've been a dumper, I've had exes who still wanted me sexually. Did I take advantage of that? No. I rejected them every time. Acting like he isn't in fault for how messy things became is wrong too.

 

And like I said earlier, now that I'm no longer involved with him, I recognize how I want my next relationship to be. I sacrificed parts of myself, my boundaries, to keep somebody around me. That's not what I'll ever do again in the future. And I hope he doesn't take advantage of another girl in the future, too.

 

Yes.. but if you're spending all your time focusing on what he did wrong - that is why it failed. That type of mentality and your approach and what you think DOES COME THRU whether you realize it or not.

People can "sense" what type of people other people are by how they act and their words.

 

As the saying goes.. don't worry about other people's yards if you have some yard cleaning to do yourself.

 

Work and focus on you. don't worry about everybody else.

do this and your results will change immensely.

[MissCanuck]

You've learned a lot from this break-up, OP.

 

Never, ever demote yourself to FWB in an effort to keep a guy. It doesn't work and it only makes you look desperate and lacking self-respect. When a man tells you there is no future, please listen to him. Believe him. And walk away. For this reason, I disagree that he led you on and used you after he ended it. He was clear he didn't want a relationship. You chose to sleep with him anyway and read into signs that were not there. Yes, he knew you had feelings for him, but you also know he didn't reciprocate. You can empower yourself by taking ownership of your own role in that.

 

Also, I have to wonder: had you seen signs of jerky behaviour prior to the break-up? You said he was rude and swearing at you when he ended it, so I would be curious to hear if you'd previously experienced this side of him. For what it's worth, it sounds like a very good thing that you two are no longer together. He is immature and not ready to commit.

[Starry]

You've learned a lot from this break-up, OP.

 

Never, ever demote yourself to FWB in an effort to keep a guy. It doesn't work and it only makes you look desperate and lacking self-respect. When a man tells you there is no future, please listen to him. Believe him. And walk away. For this reason, I disagree that he led you on and used you after he ended it. He was clear he didn't want a relationship. You chose to sleep with him anyway and read into signs that were not there. Yes, he knew you had feelings for him, but you also know he didn't reciprocate. You can empower yourself by taking ownership of your own role in that.

 

Also, I have to wonder: had you seen signs of jerky behaviour prior to the break-up? You said he was rude and swearing at you when he ended it, so I would be curious to hear if you'd previously experienced this side of him. For what it's worth, it sounds like a very good thing that you two are no longer together. He is immature and not ready to commit.

 

I did read into it, but that's exactly why I feel somewhat misled. Yeah, he would take the time to remind me we'd never be together again, but then he'd do and say other stuff that confused me. Like, when I mentioned him getting jealous of me being flirty with friends, he got really upset that night. And he admitted he would only get that upset if he really cared and he was contemplating just disappearing because he felt like he cared too much. We did everything we did in a relationship, not just sex. The only real difference was there were no "I love you". It wasn't a simple FWB. We acted almost exactly as we did as a couple. I guess that's why I read into it. He would usually only remind me we'd never be an item when he was in a bad mood or we were discussing something that could turn into a disagreement, like it was his way of handling conflict. He would often threaten to take a two day break or whatever from each other because of that.

 

And before we officially broke up, there was about two weeks of him acting cold and distant and just... mean. He wasn't always like that. But he did show he was capable of it when he felt very stressed out and he was stressing himself out at the time with worry. He wasn't very good at handling conflict with me. I often felt like I couldn't discuss an issue because he'd take it as an attack and an opener to an argument, rather than a simple discussion so we could solve an issue. The day he ended FWB with me, he was having a terrible day at college and then reacted that way towards me out of the blue while he was drunk, angry and mad.

[MissCanuck]

I realize you were confused. But my experience has taught me that you need to run far and fast from men who remind you that you are not their girlfriend, but still want to have sex and all the conveniences of a relationship. These types are often also entertaining others on the side and want to continue doing so without technically cheating.

 

Men who break up with you, then proceed to have sex with you but get jealous when you speak to other men are not doing it because they care about you. They are getting upset because their egos are bruised. It's not coming form a place of love, even if he told you it was. He's too young and immature to get that, really, but he knew exactly what to say to get you to believe it and stick around to continue providing sex and affection while he shopped around for your replacement.

 

I don't doubt that he did once care about you but his behaviour since the break-up has been the opposite of caring and considerate. Just do yourself a favour and have no more contact with him.

[Starry]

I realize you were confused. But my experience has taught me that you need to run far and fast from men who remind you that you are not their girlfriend, but still want to have sex and all the conveniences of a relationship. These types are often also entertaining others on the side and want to continue doing so without technically cheating.

 

Men who break up with you, then proceed to have sex with you but get jealous when you speak to other men are not doing it because they care about you. They are getting upset because their egos are bruised. It's not coming form a place of love, even if he told you it was. He's too young and immature to get that, really, but he knew exactly what to say to get you to believe it and stick around to continue providing sex and affection while he shopped around for your replacement.

 

I don't doubt that he did once care about you but his behaviour since the break-up has been the opposite of caring and considerate. Just do yourself a favour and have no more contact with him.

 

Thank you. I needed to hear that.

[katrina1980]

 

With that said, the breakup was indeed bad... He did it over Discord, he said I was annoying and irritating, cursing, claiming he never wanted to speak to me again and overall, was very nasty.

He later apologized for how he spoke to me, but it's still a vivid memory.

 

 

I actually have no idea what's going on in this guy's head or what he's feeling - he could be a commitment phobe, a misogynist, a sociopath or simply a nasty human being who doesn't give (or ever gave) a s***.

 

My question for you though OP, is, after ending it the way he did (quote above), the name calling, the utter nastiness, why in the world you would ever speak to this person again let alone start seeing him again as FB or anything else? Serious question, I hope you respond.

 

If that were me, I would feel repulsed if a man I was in, or had, a relationship with spoke to me that way - I would not have even given him the opp to apologize, he'd be blocked and deleted, forever.

 

You have your reasions I suppose; I hope someday you come to respect yourself more and not allow such nastiness into your life, let alone reduce yourself to a mere f*** buddy after a man treats you this way.

 

No man, no person, will ever respect you if you don't first respect yourself.