Frustrated

[Meg3500]

I feel as though my feelings don't matter. My husband is selfish. I knew this before I married him. But there's times where I literally look at him in disbelief that he can act certain ways. He just talks and acts like he is the only person that matters. For example, he didn't come home last night until 7:00. I had texted him earlier to ask when he would be home, and he said he was at his friends house. When he got home, he was half drunk and then proceeded to tell me that he had left work at noon to work on some things. Am I overreacting to think he should have mentioned that? You're a grown ass man with a wife and a house. I work full time and go to school full time. I ask for help, and its met with eye rolls. I asked him to do the dishes 3 nights a week and he thinks that's too much. How do you convey to someone that I feel like I am literally drowning? I just need help and I want a husband who wants to be present. Am I asking for too much? He makes me feel as if I am.

[Wiseman2]

Actions. Stop doing all the housework. Stop cooking, shopping, laundry, etc. Stop asking. Simply let his laundry, food, whatever take care of itself if he's out drinking, rolling his eyes, etc. then he doesn't eat or wear clean clothes.

 

If he's late, go out, go to bed, relax, etc but let him be responsible for his own share. Stop mothering him or acting like a servant or 'nagging'. Stop talking and take actions. Talking is easily ignored but eating alone, making your own dinner, doing wash or wearing dirty stuff speaks for itself. He tunes you out...because he can and you unfortunately haven't taken action.

How do you convey to someone that I feel like I am literally drowning?

[DancingFool]

Are you asking for too much? No. However, you knowingly married a man who isn't the kind of a man that you want him to be and he isn't going to change. Selfish people don't.

 

So you have two options. Option one tell him that you are going to divorce him if he doesn't shape up and mean it. If he doesn't start pulling his weight you actually do leave him.

 

Option two is adjust your expectations and what you do and how you live. In other words, don't expect him to pitch in with dishes, etc. Maybe instead of that, have him pitch in a way that would actually be more effective. Like if he makes good money, he pays for a maid to come out once or twice a week. That kind of stuff. Basically, rather than fixating on particular things that he won't do and getting into constant fights and frustrations, work out what would actually work for the both you. Look at things from different angles and perspectives and be more flexible and creative in your approach to things. Focus on what strengths he brings to the table and how that can be used for the common good and to alleviate your problems.

 

As for him coming home at 7, do you mean 7am or 7pm. If he came home at 7pm - what's your problem with that? He IS a grown ass man and 7pm is hardly late. He isn't a child who needs to report to mommy with a curfew. If you are expecting him to rush home immediately after work and report to you...you are the one who is being completely unreasonable and controlling here.

[Meg3500]

Thanks for the new viewpoint. Its appreciated.

[katrina1980]

 

As for him coming home at 7, do you mean 7am or 7pm. If he came home at 7pm - what's your problem with that? He IS a grown ass man and 7pm is hardly late. He isn't a child who needs to report to mommy with a curfew. If you are expecting him to rush home immediately after work and report to you...you are the one who is being completely unreasonable and controlling here.

 

Amen to that DF.

 

To add, something I learned a long time ago -- it's not what you say, but how you say it.

 

If your tone comes across as demanding, nagging, controlling, expect pushback.

 

However, if you tone suggests a more pleasant, open-minded and flexible attitude, he might be more inclined to help you when you "ask." In fact, he may actually want to help you with that type of attitude!

[Lester]

"Am I overreacting to think he should have mentioned that?"

- Nope.

 

"How do you convey to someone that I feel like I am literally drowning?"

- You tell him.

 

"I just need help and I want a husband who wants to be present."

- Rightly so, but you must overcome your fear and tell him.

 

Next you must let him know the consequences of welshing on his vows. (Serious stuff!)

 

Before marriage, did he hide this behavior from you?

[Lambert]

I agree with Wiseman and Lester..... talk to your husband AND stop being the maid.

 

I am sorry you married a guy knowing he was selfish. Society can put so much pressure on us to marry... Or we think a person will change with marriage... However, the change comes and is usually for the worse bc they know you are trapped.

 

 

I dated some selfish guys.... Like you, held up the relationship more than my share. And I quit doing it. Who needs the aggravation. Hate to say this-- but people (even people we love) will let us do all the work... And they won't feel bad. And better yet, it will be your fault his underwear isn't clean. I knew the relationships were over, when I stopped wanted to do for them and realized I did not respect them. Sure they were just bf's not husbands but..... I think you get my point.

 

 

Take your self respect back and stop begging.... what's good for the goose is good for the gander. And sometimes that's the only thing a person understands. Take care of your needs and let him fend for himself. Go out when you have free time. When you level the playing field, you'll feel better.

[Wiseman2]

Precisely. With anyone selfish or entitled, you have to do this because they won't.

Take care of your needs and let him fend for himself. Go out when you have free time. When you level the playing field, you'll feel better.

[Hollyj]

He is not a child. He does not need to be repeatedly told things. You knew who he was before you met him. That's on you. Accept it, or be done. Stop playing maid and mom.

 

Lastly, we teach other how to treat us. You have allowed too much, for too long. Bottom line, he does not respect you.

[boltnrun]

Did you think he would "change" after you got married? If so, why?

[JCSK]

Agree with everyone. If you've tried the same things over and over and they don't work it's because... they don't work. Change is needed. How that change happens is totally up to you. I agree with Wiseman's theory but I'm also concerned that such extreme action may prompt a false and temporary change which may just return back to the status quo once he thinks he has appeased you enough. Either that or it'll just fuel so much resentment that you'll just break up anyway. What are these 'things' he needed to work on? Have you had a talk with him about this?