Need advice desperately

[delpedro23]

Hi, I need advise on my relationship of 4 years. I feel that my girlfriend does not love and feel the same way about me. I need advise on how can i find out if she still loves me, or if she is just with me because she got comfortable. I tried talking to her, and open my feelings but she doesn't show any concern about it. Our sex life hasn't been good for the entire relationship except first 2 months. I have tried everything to make things better, but she will not do anything to contribute. Recently I have become less caring and loving to her, because i just couldn't keep it up alone. She noticed the change, but didn't want to do a thing to fix it. The more I reached out and explain how miserable I'm feeling, she will not care about it, but at The time she will say yes and that she will change only for me to stop talking.

She does suffer from a mild mental illness, and I acknowledge a few things come from that, But not the majority. Also from things she told me about ex partners she did all these things that we are missing.

What can/should I do?

 

Last thing, do u guys now those moments when u love someone or care a lot for, and u do things or say things completely on impulse? Like your feelings just pushed u to do it, for example go and see them out of blue, or get some flowers on a normal day, or even just shower them with affection for no reason. Well I've done that loads, but she never did

[RedDress]

I think some of this is insecurity and some of it is wishful thinking/not seeing things clearly?

 

If someone is in a relationship with you for 4 years, I think you need to assume that she wants to be with you.

 

You can’t compare the beginning months of a relationship to the later stages of a relationship. In the beginning everyone is in the fog of new love and on their best behavior. The sex is passionate. The gifts and special treatment and declarations of love are abundant. It’s an exciting time.

 

If the sex hasn’t been great since the beginning of the relationship, this (the last 3+ years) is what sex with her is actually like. This is the ‘real’ her.

 

If she’s not the type to do special little spontaneous things, that’s just not who she is.

 

You can’t compare her previous relationships to yours. All relationship dynamics are different.

 

If this has all changed in the last 6 months or so, you have reason to be concerned. But if this has been this way for the last 3 years, I think you just have to acknowledge that this is who she is and decide if you are ok with that.

[Andrina]

As you can see, loving someone isn't enough. Each person has to put in daily efforts to sustain a satisfying union, and you must match in all the major ways, including your sex life. You've already tried communication and that didn't work. Couples counseling would be he only other thing you could try. Otherwise, admit to yourself it's time to throw in the towel. When eventually you find a woman who matches you, you'll wonder why in the world you stayed with your ex as long as you did.

[DancingFool]

Honestly, it just sounds like you and her aren't very compatible people. It's not that she doesn't contribute or that she only stays with you for convenience. I very much doubt that statement of yours. Four years is way too long of a time to pretend. What you do need to accept and understand is that different people are just different. Some people are touchy and affectionate, some aren't. Some are expressive, some are reserved. People in general express love in very different ways. Google the 5 languages of love. Maybe it will open your eyes a little and help you see/understand your partner and their language better. People with difference love languages can have healthy and satisfying relationships, but it does take work, compromise, and learning how to understand each other and see that contribution.

 

Ultimately, when you are too different, ending things and finding someone who is more easily and naturally aligned to you is probably a better option. Two gushy touchy feely people will have an easier time with each other than a gushy person with a completely reserved person.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you have both become complacent, take each other for granted and have reached an indifferent resentful place where you are both building walls. It seems all you are doing to 'fix it' is complaining about how miserable you are.

 

Is there someone else you've begun to notice? You've known for 4 years that sex is not good, she has mental illness and has been this way all along, so why is it now bothering you? Do you live together? If so can you move out? It sounds like you are both quite miserable and very incompatible. .

Our sex life hasn't been good for the entire relationship.

 

Recently I have become less caring and loving to her. She noticed the change, but didn't want to do a thing to fix it.

 

The more I reached out and explain how miserable I'm feeling

[SGH]

It sounds like the two of you are just skating along together at this point, both unsure if the relationship is right fit. My opinion, based on what you wrote, is that it's not.

 

After 4 years, ideas of moving in together, marriage, children, etc. start to become a reality. If no one else has come into the picture for either of you, I imagine the frustration lies in the stagnation.

 

Decide if she is who you really want to be with. I personally wouldn't want to marry a person who made me constantly question if they really loved me or not. And, for the record, I've been in a relationship where I felt the same uncertainty consistently, and it was a pretty big red flag that he was not as invested as I was.

[catfeeder]

I need advise on how can i find out if she still loves me, or if she is just with me because she got comfortable. ... I have tried everything to make things better, but she will not do anything to contribute.

 

You don't need to 'find out,' you already know. You get to decide how much more of your time you're willing to spend on a one-way relationship.

 

We never get any wasted time back to live over again.

[FleurDeLys]

I know the feeling and in my experience it's never a good idea to give out a lot if it's not returned, especially in an attempt to win someone's feelings back. If you expect to get in return, you'll likely ended up disappointed and drained from this. If this relationship is making you feel miserable and she's not willing to work things out with you, it may be time to call it quits. Even if she has mental illness, it doesn't excuse lack of efforts. Her illness is not for you to fix, that's therapy and her job to.