Have I messed things up? Would really appreciate advice?

[Hollyj]

Much of an investment on his part or mine? I don't understand that statement

 

 

Yours. You only dated this guy for a little over a month. It's not really a big deal.

 

As he was not a LTR, I do think it would have been best to grieve with family or friends.

[SherrySher]

2 things here:

 

1.) You really don't know this guy all that well and neither of you are invested a great deal after one month, nor should you be. It takes a lot longer to get to know someone and to decide if it's going to be serious or not.

 

2.) Whether you have a down day or something is bothering you, you need to communicate that to the person you are dating asap. Giving someone the silent treatment or saying, "you're okay" when you're not, is one of the quickest ways to kill a relationship.

Communicating what's wrong, doesn't mean taking it out on them or putting your bad mood onto them. It's simply telling them that you're not feeling the best, and why. Explain it in a kind manner so that they understand what's going on with you.

And as well as another poster mentioned, seeing as this is an early relationship, probably best to cancel the date should you be having a bad day. Reschedule the date another day when you're feeling better.

 

It is understandable for you to have felt the way you felt, but it wasn't exactly the best to go about things the way you did.

Hopefully your date will look past this, and if he does, next time around, go about things differently.

 

I am sincerely sorry about your loss though, that can be very difficult to process, even a year later. I hope you're feeling better today.

[catfeeder]

I'm sorry for your loss, and I can appreciate grieving. I can also appreciate how showing up at the guy's home to spend the entire time cold and unresponsive to his inquiries would make him feel held hostage and unlikely to want a repeat.

 

When you're feeling lousy, sometimes it's smart to postpone a date rather than show up and mistreat your date.

[sbm1111]

So you guys were right. He hasnt replied and its been three days since I text him. I understand if he didnt want to continue things after the way I was. However I do feel very hurt that he has just ran like this. He has experienced similar loss so I thought he would at least understand and acknowledge my message instead of ghosting me. I feel it was a bit harsh to just drop me like this. Does anyone else think it was a bit harsh/insensitive not to at least text me back?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened and it didn't work out. Yes it seems cowardly to not respond at all rather then just say it wasn't working. All you can do is find someone more compatible.

[figureitout23]

Depends. What was the last thing you texted.

 

I think someone else pointed out if your text was excusing your behavior vs apologizing and explaining it. Could be why he’s not responding. The saying is true you catch more bees with honey than vinegar, you messed up. If you are trying to brush it under the rug he’s probably seeing your actions as a warning sign if it was a genuine apology and request to get things back on track and he’s still not responding. It surprises me but it’s dating. Lesson learned.

[SherrySher]

It is rude, if he's not interested anymore, the very least he could do is let you know.

 

Even if it was a quick text from him like, "Sorry but I don't think this is going to work out but I wish you well". Then at least you would know and would have closure.

 

At the very least though, you learnt a lesson and found out how much he actually cared. Better to find that out now then to be even more invested and have him treat you like this.

[Morello]

Yeah, one thing you can sure of. Regardless of whether you screwed up nor not, this guy was not that into you. Or he's just an to ignore you like that. You can choose the narrative that suits you best.

[sbm1111]

It surprises me but it’s dating. .

 

What surprises you?

[sbm1111]

Depends. What was the last thing you texted.

 

The last thing I text was this:

 

"Hey I hope you had a good day at work. My day was good there were some very interesting cases in today. Im sorry again for going so quiet and withdrawn about last night, this week has been harder than expected but that doesnt excuse me acting cold and I should have told you. I hope you have a great day tomorrow with your friends, let me know how the party goes".

 

I know you will all criticise this message now but this is what i felt at the time.

 

I have literally been crying over this all last night. I had one hour of being withdrawn at this house because I was sad over my mums anniversary and suddenly Im the bad person with communication issues and as figureitout23 says Ive messed things up. I feel so bad and I cry because I liked this person and while I was wrong I didnt think this would result in him completely ignoring me and ending things like this

[Morello]

Your message was perfectly normal. You didn't 'screw up' before, you just made a mistake. We're humans, we make mistakes. You made one and apologised.

 

If he's ignoring you after a message like that, I'd like to reinforce that he most likely is not deserving of your care and attention.

[Wiseman2]

If it's any consolation, it sounds like he was on his way out before this since he didn't invite you to this party.

"I hope you have a great day tomorrow with your friends, let me know how the party goes".

[sbm1111]

I couldn’t go as it’s too far away for me with work this weekend

[SherrySher]

I agree with Morello, your message was nice and it sounded sincere and well written. If he didn't reply, it's because he wasn't as interested as you thought he was.

 

Honestly, you didn't mess up as badly as you think you did. He was just far too sensitive and would have dropped you over any little thing.

 

He's not worth your tears.

 

You deserve someone who is not only understanding but supports you, even if you have a bad day.....but it's not this guy.

[sbm1111]

Thanks guys.

 

To make me feel even worse I have just seen he was tagged in a photo on Facebook with a girl wrapped around him which was obviously taken last night as he just became friends with her. And all his friends have liked it and put love heart emojis etc so one would assume he was with her romantically not platonically.

I know it shouldn’t so early on but it hurts to see that. Maybe that’s the reason he hasn’t replied.

[Wiseman2]

As I mentioned in an earlier post, he was on his way out before any of this happened. It's definitely the reason he didn't reply. Were you exclusive?

I have just seen he was tagged in a photo on Facebook with a girl wrapped around him which was obviously taken last night . Maybe that’s the reason he hasn’t replied.

[sbm1111]

Yes we were. Whether he was on the way out or not it’s still a d@@@ move to just ignore me and not to reply to my message when he knows I was grieving and then to have pictures up of him and another girl. I really am hurt over this. He has turned out to be a real insensitive douchebag

[Wiseman2]

In retrospect didn't you notice any red flags before this? It's not about your grieving or not. It's rude no matter what. He was interested in someone else and just ghosted when he saw this as an out. Block and delete him and do not follow his social media. He was not as invested as you. You dodged a bullet, so don't feel bad.

 

It would be best to speak up and be clear about your feelings with friends/bfs in the future and unfortunately you should not be expecting kid glove treatment from random dates or friends. Rely on family and long term good friends and therapy for support. A hospice visit doesn't mean the relationship was good or he was good or he should act a certain decent way. It's who he always was. Did you notice it before?

He has turned out to be a real insensitive douchebag

[sbm1111]

No I honestly didn’t. We had a memorial service last week and he even changed his plans so he could see me that night and empathised with what was going on because he has been through it himself. No red flags that I can think at the moment he was always nice to me and always text and met when he said he would. I didn’t expect any treatment from him. The night started well we were chatting had fun all was good it was just towards the end of the night about an hour before bed when I became quiet. We even chatted the following morning as I felt better. I thought he would understand if he liked me but he just didn’t like me like I did him.

 

Irrespective of that it’s hurtful to ignore someone and not reply, even if he didn’t want to Persue

[SherrySher]

It could be something as simple as he met someone while he was at this party.

 

I really don't think you did anything wrong.

[SherrySher]

Honestly, you dodged a bullet. You haven't been with him that long, he would have eventually treated you badly. At least you got away quick without it being months before he pulled this.

 

He's done you a favor so you can find a decent man now, not a little boy who has no idea how to treat women.

 

If he is with this woman in the pictures, trust me, she has no prize! He will eventually treat her badly too.

[sbm1111]

Thanks guys I know your right. Although ghosting is very hurtful especially the way I was ghosted and at this particular time too when he knows I’m in pain from grieving. I’ve beenghosted before but this exceeds all the others

[Wiseman2]

Every agrees is was rude to ghost even after only a few weeks. What happened in this case?:

I’ve been ghosted before

[figureitout23]

The last thing I text was this:

 

"Hey I hope you had a good day at work. My day was good there were some very interesting cases in today. Im sorry again for going so quiet and withdrawn about last night, this week has been harder than expected but that doesnt excuse me acting cold and I should have told you. I hope you have a great day tomorrow with your friends, let me know how the party goes".

 

I know you will all criticise this message now but this is what i felt at the time.

 

I have literally been crying over this all last night. I had one hour of being withdrawn at this house because I was sad over my mums anniversary and suddenly Im the bad person with communication issues and as figureitout23 says Ive messed things up. I feel so bad and I cry because I liked this person and while I was wrong I didnt think this would result in him completely ignoring me and ending things like this

 

Whoa, whoa whoa I said you messed up not that you messed things up.

 

You made a mistake, it happens, its a lesson learned.

 

Like I said it surprises me he didnt accept your apology. Based on what you wrote, its a sincere apology, so the fact that hes ghosting you...pretty messed up. It sucks that this is dating today, but it happens. Please dont cry over this guy. It might be that because your emotions are so raw since its the first anniversary that youre falsely attaching a lot of things to this guy.

[figureitout23]

I dont think painting this guy as a bad guy is going to be hepful to the OPer in the long run

 

Hes a real jerk for ghosting, but thats about it to be fair.

 

She messed up acting the way she did, he decided he was done, instead of being a man and telling her, he ghosted her, he met another woman while out with his friends, further closing the door.

 

This is dating guys! It is not for the weak at heart, it should not be done while healing whether its from a break up or a death of a family member. It magnifies everything. Stuff like this is common.