After 5 years he said he doesn't love me anymore.

[jt009]

My ex and I started dating in High school. After which we went our separate ways and tried to continue a long distance relationship, during which he cheated on me twice. We broke up twice after that but always got back together. We have been doing the long distance thing for the last 5 years. I always felt like it was harder on him than it was on me. This year (after I got my degree) we planned that I was to move to the same city he is currently studying and living in. My luck, I couldn't get a job there and I was forced to live somewhere else yet again. Resulting in me only seeing him every other weekend for a two day period. These last couple of weeks really put a strain on our relationship. He would stop making time for me over the phone (we would talk everyday, but not in depth. And I was always the one who would call). He was pulling away from me. And the more he pulled, the more I pushed- resulting in a full blown fight almost every time. Two days ago, after yet another massive fight about him not caring. I asked him if he still loves me. He said no. I then asked him if he wanted to break up for good. He said yes. Bruising my pride I asked him if I can see him the coming weekend, after which he said he doesn't want to see me.

 

The last time I was with him I thought that his feelings were the same as mine. We had a good time, we were intimate and we didn't fight once. He even told me he loved me. That was one week ago. Now I don't know if I was just seeing what I wanted to see. Maybe weeks of fighting can't be fixed by just one weekend together?

 

This is the first time in our 5 year relationship that he has ever said he doesn't love me anymore. We would break up before, but he always insisted on having me in his life. Or that we could try again when we are closer together. I was having a crazy woman rant with him over the phone the day of, like a complete psycho, woman possessed. He told me to relax and maybe we just need some time apart. I wouldn't listen. Now I don't know what to do, how to react or how to let go. I don't know if he said it to get me to let go and give him some space, or if when he said it, he actually meant it.

[DanZee]

Well, it sounds like you just won't let go of this relationship, and that's a problem because if you're constantly fighting and having drama together, the relationship isn't working. And when you're separated by distance, it's difficult to have a relationship when you're not around.

 

I think you should face the facts and move on. You've wasted five years where you could have been dating and going out and having fun. Believe me, you can't get your youth back, and when you're out of school, you lose an entire pool of people with whom you had a great deal in common with to date. It gets harder to meet people and your choices become limited.

 

So it's time to break up and get your life together. And start looking for a nice guy you can date.

[jt009]

DanZee, thank you for the reply.

 

Do you think there is a possibility that it might work someday when we are in the same place. Or do you think once he doesn't love me, he never will again.

[jt009]

I'm inlove. How do I stop being inlove.

[MissCanuck]

I'm inlove. How do I stop being inlove.

 

You start learning to love yourself. You have become emotionally dependent on him, but being in love is not the same thing.

 

This relationship should have ended long ago. He is right, he doesn't love you. Two episodes of cheating, and now three breakups. This was a trainwreck. This final breakup wasn't caused solely by a couple weeks of fighting. It was an accumulation of dysfucntion over several years.

 

It's time to let go forever. He is not going to become the boyfriend you deserve. You need to start working on your self-respect so that you don't hang on to guys who just don't care about you.

[Wiseman2]

he cheated on me twice. We broke up twice

Nothing screams "I don't love you" more than cheating and breaking up...Twice.

This is the first time in our 5 year relationship that he has ever said he doesn't love me anymore.

[katrina1980]

 

I'm in love. How do I stop being in love.

 

This may sound a bit off the wall to some, but imo, there is nothing you can "do" per se to stop loving someone (him).

 

When you love someone and it's not reciprocated (as in your case) you learn to love from a distance (emotional), within those parameters; it does not have to be all-encompassing or overwhelming, or prevent you from meeting/dating others, and loving again.

 

I believe you can love more than one person at a time; eventually the *intensity* of the first love will fade, but it never really goes away, which is okay.

 

Learn to accept that, live your lfe, date others and love him from a distance. Yes you will feel sad from time to time, which is okay. Just don't allow it to overwhelm you or prevent you from living life, dating others. Learn to contain it.

 

Again, its intensity will eventually fade allowing your heart to become open to loving again. Hopefully, reciprocated.

 

JMO.

[SGH]

I'm inlove. How do I stop being inlove.

 

You two just broke up, and regardless of past separations, it takes time to move on. You didn't choose to end the relationship, but you can choose to have enough self-respect to love forward and stop chasing a dead end. It will take awhile to feel normal, and even longer to really want to meet someone new, but it will happen eventually.

 

Believe that you deserve more.

[jt009]

Katrina1980, this helped a lot. Thank you.

[jt009]

Thanks SGH, will take it to heart.

[ShatteredMan]

This may sound a bit off the wall to some, but imo, there is nothing you can "do" per se to stop loving someone (him).

 

When you love someone and it's not reciprocated (as in your case) you learn to love from a distance (emotional), within those parameters; it does not have to be all-encompassing or overwhelming, or prevent you from meeting/dating others, and loving again.

 

I believe you can love more than one person at a time; eventually the *intensity* of the first love will fade, but it never really goes away, which is okay.

 

Learn to accept that, live your lfe, date others and love him from a distance. Yes you will feel sad from time to time, which is okay. Just don't allow it to overwhelm you or prevent you from living life, dating others. Learn to contain it.

 

Again, its intensity will eventually fade allowing your heart to become open to loving again. Hopefully, reciprocated.

 

JMO.

 

Agree with this. When we "fall in love with someone", we assign space in our minds and hearts to the hope and fantasy of an everlasting state of being and feelings that we have when we first start the relationship. As a relationship disintegrates in the mind of one or more of those involved with the relationship (through loss of attraction due to bad or inattentive behavior, usually), that "space" is then reassigned to things (work, social, etc.) either in reality or a new fantasy of being with someone else that they become attracted to.

 

When your unrequited love is painfully rejected and thrown away by the other person that is removing themselves in the relationship, the fear-based anxiety that you (the person still in love with the "dumper"/person leaving the relationship) experiences is attributable to legitimate biochemical processes that your brain uses to interpret information that says "I am loved and I know this..."

By choosing to focus your mind and heart (and this is the hardest thing of all in recovery) on things that benefit you in terms of health, wealth and well-being, you start to reassign that "space" in your heart and mind to new (sometimes old) things that eventually replace that which you assigned to the mental processes (and in turn, the biochemical processes ) that your brain retrains itself to interpret as "these things make me happy and I know this......"

 

As someone who spent far too much time, emotion and energy on someone who I projected my fantasy of "lets be happily ever after together" and then self-sabotaged my own recovery by not CHOOSING to bring other positive things into my world, please choose to "move the needle" by doing something new today that helps you reclaim the space in your mind and heart that is rightfully yours and not your ex's.