She fell out of love, any one fallen out of love with someone?

[sodastream27]

Hi guys I don't how to tell this to my friends so im asking for a little help,

 

I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone and a new girl moved here came along and we hit it off, we first became best friends hung out all the time and then started dating. She made sure that I knew that it wasn't starting as a fling and we took everything particularly slow so we wouldn't hurt each other. Despite that everything was consistent and beautiful like she was and I was so happy, from day one she made it know her intentions were for the long term, she met my parents and we made lots of plans and enjoyed each others company. She made sure that I knew that it wasn't starting as a fling and that we would be serious, I made the decision to commit to moving to where she was eventually and tried to blow down every barrier that stood in our way. She truely is a caring and honest person and everything I was looking for in a wife which I have never encountered before, I gave her everything I had lots of time and generous little things; and I made sure I was always available to do anything she needed.

 

About 2 months ago she had a stressful month with some goings on at work, friends and family and I tried to both be supportive and keep my distance, immediately after that she left on a previously planned month holiday back to Canada and visited her friends and family. We texted every day but didn't talk on the phone, it was hard to keep a conversation going with time zones but when she returned she said that we needed to talk.

 

When she got back she said that she felt distant, that she just lost how she felt for me and that she didn't want to continue with the relationship anymore; I suggested that we go on some more dates and get back to it but she said that genuinely it was not a good time for her, that I was taking her away from her friends and work and that she wasn't sure what happened she just dosent see me that way anymore. I asked if she would prefer a break to gather her thoughts but broke down and said that if I found someone else she wouldn't want to hold me back. Since then we have remained friends but I hurt every time we hang out and I can both tell she misses me as well and she has told me so, we have set no touching ground rules so not to rebound and hurt each other but I dont know what to do? I feel she fell out of love because she had to time alone to think like she talked herself out of it and being home with family and friends reinforced our distance. I asked her what mistakes I made or how I could have been better and she broke again and said I did nothing wrong, that out time together was amazing but she didn't see today the way she used to.

 

How do I deal with this internally?, I have to see this person and be friend with them every day and unlike a lot of stories I read she really isn't trying to lead me or use me by being friends; we still cook each other dinner, go shopping together and nothing feels different for me. Every time she tries to leave she hesitates and asks me random questions or offers me things to eat or drink, the other day she phoned me at 1am to print some paper for work because she was out of ink and I cant help but read into it, we have moments where we get close and I just want to reach over and kiss her but I promised I wouldn't break her rules. A work colleague told me she got really drunk at a work function and kissed a guy, didn't go any further but in mind it shows me she's either moving on or trying to. Ive asked her several times in the last two months is she ok but she adamantly dosent want to open up says she is fine, going ok and dosent want to date again right now. Since we broke up despite the first month we haven't not hung out every day, she still buys me coffee and gives me things and I do the same; Internally I know im holding on to one day getting back together because I feel like she is afraid of something or talked herself into a corner despite respectfully acknowledging her answers. As stupid as it sounds saying it I almost feel like I pushed myself into the "friend zone" like I did in high school by always being available and overtly nice, and despite my age and out history together I feel like we are in it now.

 

Has anyone experienced falling out of love with someone, how does it happen? what do I do?, I feel like a yo yo going up and down emotionally, how do you move one from such an amicable breakup where both sides miss each other but the love isn't reciprocated. I keep thinking maybe I was a crutch that she was away from her family or perhaps she initially thought it was going somewhere it wasn't really, can stress and anxiety really mess someone up that they stop loving another person?

 

Kind regards,

G

[Wiseman2]

How long were you dating? For what reason is she in your town? Do you work together or go to school together? It sounds like she is homesick and you comforted her as a friend. It seems she may have someone back home and prefers to keep this in the friendzone. At this point she simply does not want to pursue this as a romantic situation. If you want that, do not continue to hang out and do male-girlfriend things with her. Pull way back. Forget "rules" and stop being her welcome wagon.

[bluecastle]

Sorry you're going through this.

 

Love is a mysterious thing: there one day, gone the next, and we can beat ourselves up trying to figure out what happened. Was it work stress? An encounter with an ex? The result of having too much time alone? Something we did, or didn't do? That's an endless cycle that goes nowhere. The fact is that feelings just change, and we have to learn to accept this, whether its our own feelings changing or the feelings another has for us.

 

She has been clear with you, in words and actions, about her feelings. She's expressed that she isn't interested in romance but would like to be friends. You can decide if that works for you or not, but it's clear from your post that, for the time being, it doesn't. It hurts. It confuses. While she's cooking dinner with you, a friend, you're cooking dinner in hopes that lightening strikes and she feels everything she once felt. Sometimes that happens in movies, but not in real life.

 

I'm close friends with a number of my exes—one whom I lost the depth of feeling required for romance, another who lost those feelings for me. It takes time, though. You can't seamlessly go from one to the other, so I'd suggest you just allow for some distance between the two of you. Process what you need to process, accept the loss of this romance, feel comfortable on your own two feet again, and then you'll know when, or if, you're ready to have a true friendship. It'll be when you no longer care what happened to cause her shift in feelings and just accept that shifts in feelings are a part of life.

[sodastream27]

We both work and together, and live a block away from each other, she talks to her ex who is one of her good friends since middle school, dated for 6 months and then went back to being friends which she was open about since we first met. Thanks for the advice :)

[sodastream27]

Thankyou for your words, it puts a lot of clarity in my eyes, when you say you lost the depth of feeling, I think that sums up a lot of our post relationship talks. I appreciate the advice

[sodastream27]

Sorry you're going through this.

 

Love is a mysterious thing: there one day, gone the next, and we can beat ourselves up trying to figure out what happened. Was it work stress? An encounter with an ex? The result of having too much time alone? Something we did, or didn't do? That's an endless cycle that goes nowhere. The fact is that feelings just change, and we have to learn to accept this, whether its our own feelings changing or the feelings another has for us.

 

She has been clear with you, in words and actions, about her feelings. She's expressed that she isn't interested in romance but would like to be friends. You can decide if that works for you or not, but it's clear from your post that, for the time being, it doesn't. It hurts. It confuses. While she's cooking dinner with you, a friend, you're cooking dinner in hopes that lightening strikes and she feels everything she once felt. Sometimes that happens in movies, but not in real life.

 

I'm close friends with a number of my exes—one whom I lost the depth of feeling required for romance, another who lost those feelings for me. It takes time, though. You can't seamlessly go from one to the other, so I'd suggest you just allow for some distance between the two of you. Process what you need to process, accept the loss of this romance, feel comfortable on your own two feet again, and then you'll know when, or if, you're ready to have a true friendship. It'll be when you no longer care what happened to cause her shift in feelings and just accept that shifts in feelings are a part of life.

 

Thankyou for your words, it puts a lot of clarity in my eyes, when you say you lost the depth of feeling, I think that sums up a lot of our post relationship talks. I appreciate the advice, we spent the time away for the first month but them she started messaging me and wanting contact which is where I believe I got confused, we've talked recently about how sexually we both haven't changed and are still attracted to each other and have become best friends again like we were before we dated. I get that she dosent want to be romantically involved but like you said it takes time and I will learn to acknowledge when im thinking that way that gets me confused I guess.

[bluecastle]

Look, just know that there is nothing weak or final about saying something like, "Hey, I really appreciate you and this friendship, but for the time being I need to put some distance between us." It's not a conversation—it's just a fact, like telling someone you're tired and need to take a long nap.

 

That communicates a sense of self-worth and self-respect, of knowing yourself, and there is nothing more attractive than that. I don't mean to imply that's how you get her back—no, no. But it's how you learn to inhabit yourself, see and respect and love yourself as you want to be seen and loved by another. It's how you move forward from this stage, with grace.

[Hollyj]

I would look for another job.

 

Also, you do not have to be friends. The best thing you can do is heal. You can only be friends if there are no feelings. NO MORE HANGING OUT! At ALL! Stop giving her the benefits of a bf. She made her choice.

 

I'm sorry, that you are hurting.

[leighanna23]

 

Has anyone experienced falling out of love with someone, how does it happen? what do I do?, I feel like a yo yo going up and down emotionally, how do you move one from such an amicable breakup where both sides miss each other but the love isn't reciprocated. I keep thinking maybe I was a crutch that she was away from her family or perhaps she initially thought it was going somewhere it wasn't really, can stress and anxiety really mess someone up that they stop loving another person?

 

Kind regards,

G

 

I have. I got married when I was 19 (he was my first boyfriend ever) and later I had "fallen out of love". Now, years later, I realize that I was not really attracted to him - so take that as you will. Sadly, I knew I wanted to go out and experience the world and find what I was and wasn't attracted to. Love is a choice, but it's also so many other things too so this question is difficult. I thought with all my naïve heart that I loved my husband, and I guess I did for a while. It made me feel very guilty to leave but I knew he deserved someone who's heart was all in. We are still friends and he says he understands why I left.

[11moreweeks]

What most people refer to as "falling out of love" refers to a loss of the feel-good, oxytocin-caused feelings of infatuation that people feel for others, and these feelings are fleeting, capable of being lost due to external or internal factors. What your ex talks about for "missing you" is more resembling of emotional dependency. Both emotional dependency and the oxytocin rush of infatuation are aspectual and a part of what makes up "love". The fleeting nature of the "in love" feelings is why many couples go for second honeymoons, counseling, or continue to work towards building something together (stagnation can contribute to lost feelings of "love", so it's important to work towards and to think about a future.)

 

With regards to "falling out-of-love", these are some of the mechanisms I know of:

 

I fell "out-of-love" with my now-ex-girlfriend while I was with her a few times, the longest of which lasted almost 6 months. Each time, I examined myself to try to understand why I was not feeling those feelings, and after some introspection, each time, I managed to pinpoint some factors which disrupted the sanctity of the relationship between my ex and I (usually external stressors, sometimes flawed expectations or behaviors on my end). After finding out why I was "losing feelings" and doing some work to correct that, each time, I was able to fall back in love with her. Both external stressors and flawed expectations can make you lose your feelings.

 

On the other hand, my ex also fell "out-of-love" with me because she was being unfaithful, then dumping me to be with person she was being unfaithful with. When you don't put up firm boundaries and/or when you just act unfaithfully yourself, you enable other people to influence your emotions. The excitement of new/other people can outweigh the utility found in a long-term relationship during short periods of time, which can make you lose your feelings.

 

I also know someone right now who I think might no longer love their significant other, and that appears to be caused by legitimate incompatibilities and a difference in values. It's hard to imagine a future with someone when you don't imagine harmony or congruence, which then can make you lose your feelings.

 

Of course, serious actions (like cheating or abuse) can make a person lose their feelings of infatuation.

 

And honestly, some people just lose the feelings of infatuation sooner than others (usually I think that's due to flawed expectations, but whatever), so for some people, if they build and base their relationships mostly on their short-term feelings, then they will break up regularly.

 

With your ex, I truly think it is a bad idea to be talking to her, hanging out with her, or anything else. There's a lot of benefits to a romantic relationship, and it's clear that you don't want to lose many of the benefits that she already threw away. By giving her the other benefits of a romantic relationship (that friendship, hanging out, that person who knows you so well and cares so much being in your life), you are doing neither of you any favors. A breakup should be treated as a true breakup and should lead to a complete cessation of contact, if applicable (EX: kids may change that).

 

If she's willing to watch you fumble around with your feelings while appeasing so many of her needs after she breaks up with you, then honestly, she's not going to be a worthwhile friend and probably wouldn't make a good relationship partner. I think you should just walk away, at least long enough to detach yourself from her to the point where your feelings towards her have basically no impact on you. It's healthiest to assume that will never happen, and thus you will eventually never interact with her again (the sooner, the better.)

[MissCanuck]

I have fallen out of love, yes. But we had been together 5 years and I was young, not ready to settle down. In your case, I think things just fizzled for her after the initial honeymoon phase.

 

 

OP, you have to stop all this hanging out and acting like a couple. She isn't into you that way, so she's viewing this as you two being good friends. Sure, she finds you cute but I promise you she isn't scared of being with you. She just doesn't feel the same way you do. Hanging out with her is easy for her, but it isn't helping you at all. And going home for a bit would not be a deterrent, if she felt strongly enough about you. I also live abroad, and when I go home for a visit and my (local) partner can't join me, I miss him very much and can't wait to see him when I return. I think she had started pulling back before that, but being away from you made her realize she didn't miss you the way one generally would if they really excited about the relationship.

 

You need to stop trying to be friends for a long while. She is already moving on from you, and has been very clear she doesn't want a relationship. Hanging out with her a lot isn't increasing her feelings for you, as evidenced by her hooking up with another guy anyway. Don't keep doing this to yourself, man.

[Hollyj]

"f she's willing to watch you fumble around with your feelings while appeasing so many of her needs after she breaks up with you, then honestly, she's not going to be a worthwhile friend and probably wouldn't make a good relationship partner. I think you should just walk away, at least long enough to detach yourself from her to the point where your feelings towards her have basically no impact on you. It's healthiest to assume that will never happen, and thus you will eventually never interact with her again (the sooner, the better.)"

 

Totally agree! Very selfish, and not something a friend would do.

[sodastream27]

Look, just know that there is nothing weak or final about saying something like, "Hey, I really appreciate you and this friendship, but for the time being I need to put some distance between us." It's not a conversation—it's just a fact, like telling someone you're tired and need to take a long nap.

 

That communicates a sense of self-worth and self-respect, of knowing yourself, and there is nothing more attractive than that. I don't mean to imply that's how you get her back—no, no. But it's how you learn to inhabit yourself, see and respect and love yourself as you want to be seen and loved by another. It's how you move forward from this stage, with grace.

 

Thanks bud, Im planning on putting this into motion, we were good platonic friends before this and I would like to go back to that if possible

[Andrina]

Can I ask you if you have a fulfilling life besides having a gf? Do you hang out with guy friends? Do you have any hobbies? If not, it might be the reason for her loss of feelings, as when you make a person the sole center of your universe, it's very smothering.

 

"I pushed myself into the "friend zone" like I did in high school by always being available and overtly nice,"

 

Nothing wrong with being a nice person, but it sounds like you're describing yourself as a yes man and a pushover. Guys with their own full lives, who express their wants and needs, are more attractive to a woman. You're not revealing your genuine self if you don't speak up for what you want. Have an opinion. Share your likes and dislikes. And if you have plans of your own and she asks you to do something, don't break your plans unless it's for an important matter. Because you should be happy with your own life and then want a companion to share in that joy, versus having a woman be the sole reason for your joy.

 

I don't know what your life is like and am just reading between the lines. If you were perfect in your role, chalk it up to that she needs to sow her wild oats before settling down and hasn't had enough dating experiences yet to become serious with anyone. Or maybe she was intimidated that you were willing to move to another place for her when you'd only known each other for 6 months. That's a discussion that shouldn't take place until at least the one year mark, when you've had time to see each other in many different stressful and major situations, because you're just beginning to see who the real person is at the 6 month mark, after the honeymoon period is over.

 

Treat her as just another co-worker at work. If she starts to chit-chat, tell her you need to get back to work. Your future gf won't appreciate you being buddies with an ex, so best to let the friendship with her end. It's preventing your closure and it's not good for your future romantic life. Take care.

[sodastream27]

What most people refer to as "falling out of love" refers to a loss of the feel-good, oxytocin-caused feelings of infatuation that people feel for others, and these feelings are fleeting, capable of being lost due to external or internal factors. What your ex talks about for "missing you" is more resembling of emotional dependency. Both emotional dependency and the oxytocin rush of infatuation are aspectual and a part of what makes up "love". The fleeting nature of the "in love" feelings is why many couples go for second honeymoons, counseling, or continue to work towards building something together (stagnation can contribute to lost feelings of "love", so it's important to work towards and to think about a future.)

 

With regards to "falling out-of-love", these are some of the mechanisms I know of:

 

I fell "out-of-love" with my now-ex-girlfriend while I was with her a few times, the longest of which lasted almost 6 months. Each time, I examined myself to try to understand why I was not feeling those feelings, and after some introspection, each time, I managed to pinpoint some factors which disrupted the sanctity of the relationship between my ex and I (usually external stressors, sometimes flawed expectations or behaviors on my end). After finding out why I was "losing feelings" and doing some work to correct that, each time, I was able to fall back in love with her. Both external stressors and flawed expectations can make you lose your feelings.

 

On the other hand, my ex also fell "out-of-love" with me because she was being unfaithful, then dumping me to be with person she was being unfaithful with. When you don't put up firm boundaries and/or when you just act unfaithfully yourself, you enable other people to influence your emotions. The excitement of new/other people can outweigh the utility found in a long-term relationship during short periods of time, which can make you lose your feelings.

 

I also know someone right now who I think might no longer love their significant other, and that appears to be caused by legitimate incompatibilities and a difference in values. It's hard to imagine a future with someone when you don't imagine harmony or congruence, which then can make you lose your feelings.

 

Of course, serious actions (like cheating or abuse) can make a person lose their feelings of infatuation.

 

And honestly, some people just lose the feelings of infatuation sooner than others (usually I think that's due to flawed expectations, but whatever), so for some people, if they build and base their relationships mostly on their short-term feelings, then they will break up regularly.

 

With your ex, I truly think it is a bad idea to be talking to her, hanging out with her, or anything else. There's a lot of benefits to a romantic relationship, and it's clear that you don't want to lose many of the benefits that she already threw away. By giving her the other benefits of a romantic relationship (that friendship, hanging out, that person who knows you so well and cares so much being in your life), you are doing neither of you any favors. A breakup should be treated as a true breakup and should lead to a complete cessation of contact, if applicable (EX: kids may change that).

 

If she's willing to watch you fumble around with your feelings while appeasing so many of her needs after she breaks up with you, then honestly, she's not going to be a worthwhile friend and probably wouldn't make a good relationship partner. I think you should just walk away, at least long enough to detach yourself from her to the point where your feelings towards her have basically no impact on you. It's healthiest to assume that will never happen, and thus you will eventually never interact with her again (the sooner, the better.)

 

Im happy to elaborate a bit more, I understand what you mean by external stresses and your ex, for me and her come closer to the Christmas rush with our jobs she will go on a 2x 6 week business trips with a month in-between for Christmas holidays, even if we got back together this morning we would only have a just over 6 weeks until the trips begin. I know it sounds like I am defending her but at the same time im watching her fumble with her feelings and thats why it plays on my mind, I can tell a made up reason for seeing me like needing to borrow some obscure spice, print paper or needing help clarifying a work issue in person that could have been done over the phone. I started talking to another girl at work and she was overly interested and a little jealous (just like I was with this guy),

 

but like another person as said previously the two main things are that I guess it dosent matter as much fussing over why she fell out and also there needs to be some break between us being friends for the time being. Im messaging her now and I think were going to stop the contact outside of work projects and see where we end come next year; bar that if its a no go then we will just go back to being friends. By January I think that all will have subsided, im just interested on how people took falling out of love and how they managed it.

[sodastream27]

Can I ask you if you have a fulfilling life besides having a gf? Do you hang out with guy friends? Do you have any hobbies? If not, it might be the reason for her loss of feelings, as when you make a person the sole center of your universe, it's very smothering.

 

"I pushed myself into the "friend zone" like I did in high school by always being available and overtly nice,"

 

Nothing wrong with being a nice person, but it sounds like you're describing yourself as a yes man and a pushover. Guys with their own full lives, who express their wants and needs, are more attractive to a woman. You're not revealing your genuine self if you don't speak up for what you want. Have an opinion. Share your likes and dislikes. And if you have plans of your own and she asks you to do something, don't break your plans unless it's for an important matter. Because you should be happy with your own life and then want a companion to share in that joy, versus having a woman be the sole reason for your joy.

 

I don't know what your life is like and am just reading between the lines. If you were perfect in your role, chalk it up to that she needs to sow her wild oats before settling down and hasn't had enough dating experiences yet to become serious with anyone. Or maybe she was intimidated that you were willing to move to another place for her when you'd only known each other for 6 months. That's a discussion that shouldn't take place until at least the one year mark, when you've had time to see each other in many different stressful and major situations, because you're just beginning to see who the real person is at the 6 month mark, after the honeymoon period is over.

 

Treat her as just another co-worker at work. If she starts to chit-chat, tell her you need to get back to work. Your future gf won't appreciate you being buddies with an ex, so best to let the friendship with her end. It's preventing your closure and it's not good for your future romantic life. Take care.

 

I do have quite a fulfilling life actually, I have some good mates and some quite nice hobbies and a good family to back me, I guess the easiest way to say it was that I wasn't exactly a pushover but im not one to pushback for no good reason, im genuinely not a fussy person and I get a lot of gratitude from helping other, if she wanted to do something in particular we normally did it but also vice versa if I really wanted to do something we did it together. Not sure wether im being over critical of myself but it was just a thought as I was writing the passage. Although I do definitely have my own opinion and have dislikes and likes. Also I can probably rebut my own statement by saying in high school I was a lot different person and actually scared of girls and making the first move haha

 

Potentially it could be it, she's a but younger than me and only has one ex before me, I guess that was another of my thoughts, perhaps I scared her by being in a emotional place ahead of her, but those conversations were had early because of the nature of the distance and actually brought up by her. Basically she sat me down one day and said if this works out then someone is moving, I actually wanted to take it one step at a time but I have less strings attached at home so I figured it was the right decision to let her know.

 

Thanks a lot for the concern and I will take it on board,

[sodastream27]

I have. I got married when I was 19 (he was my first boyfriend ever) and later I had "fallen out of love". Now, years later, I realize that I was not really attracted to him - so take that as you will. Sadly, I knew I wanted to go out and experience the world and find what I was and wasn't attracted to. Love is a choice, but it's also so many other things too so this question is difficult. I thought with all my naïve heart that I loved my husband, and I guess I did for a while. It made me feel very guilty to leave but I knew he deserved someone who's heart was all in. We are still friends and he says he understands why I left.

 

Thankyou a lot for your insight, I appreciate this wisdom, it makes me feel at ease knowing there are others in much more serious positions that have had to make these choices