Why is he bashing me like this?

[goddess]

You are being a bit harsh, Wiseman2. I just need a little help to get back on my feet. Give me that much, please. My son graciously offered to help me with the form and I accepted his offer. A one time deal. I will handle things on my own from this point on. I am actually quite capable, intelligent and independent. I made the choice to dismiss my lawyer. I am fully aware of what I have done. I am financially in good shape so I am not worried about that. Also, I don't subscribe to the idea of letting it all hang out with a therapist. At least not right now. All that does is rub salt into the wound by talking about it over and over and re-living everything again, and getting me upset. I'm done. I understand the underlying dynamics of the marriage. I know it was toxic. If I feel the need to seek a therapist another day, I will. I do appreciate your advice and know that you mean well. Thank you!

[Wiseman2]

That's not what they are for. This is not the 60s psychoanalysis model, rehashing why the marriage wasn't viable etc. This is not marriage counselling to decide whether or not to divorce. Therapy now is more of an advocacy situation finding solutions to new and different issues that come with a life changing situation. You're already upset. Mostly by stating you're done, when you're not done.

 

This will continue to be something that comes at you that you can't avoid. Divorce is a long process with many unpleasant twists and turns, as unfortunately you have seen. A therapist these days is someone who helps you navigate and provides advice and guidance. Like a Sherpa who is familiar with the turf and helps you avoid pitfalls and navigate the new terrain..

I don't subscribe to the idea of letting it all hang out with a therapist. All that does is rub salt into the wound by talking about it over and over and re-living everything again, and getting me upset. I'm done.

[goddess]

That's not what they are for. This is not the 60s psychoanalysis model, rehashing why the marriage wasn't viable etc. This is not marriage counselling to decide whether or not to divorce. Therapy now is more of an advocacy situation finding solutions to new and different issues that come with a life changing situation. You're already upset. Mostly by stating you're done, when you're not done.

 

This will continue to be something that comes at you that you can't avoid. Divorce is a long process with many unpleasant twists and turns, as unfortunately you have seen. A therapist these days is someone who helps you navigate and provides advice and guidance. Like a Sherpa who is familiar with the turf and helps you avoid pitfalls and navigate the new terrain..

 

All right then. I was unaware of that. When I say I'm done, I mean that I want to finalise the divorce asap. That one chapter closed.

[boltnrun]

I agree that dismissing the attorney because it made your husband mad that you hired one was a big, self defeating mistake. Why are you still trying to please him? Just because he said some things that hurt your feelings?

 

You will end up signing documents you don't understand, particularly if you don't even know how simple monthly bills work. His attorney (funny, he has one and that's ok???) will put language you don't understand into the documents. You won't know what you're signing, and you can't ask your son to help.

 

I recommend you rehire the attorney.

[arjumand]

Couldn’t agree with this more. DO NOT sign anything without a lawyer and do not give up maintenance just to get this over with. You have little earning potential at this point and he had p,entry of years of work ahead of him. You are being rash and foolish to give up what you are entitled to. His opinion of you is irrelevant, he has tossed you aside, get everything you can or in a few years you will run into trouble and realize your bad decisions. He is once again trying to mow over you to get his way. Get a lawyer and stand up to him.

[goddess]

I agree that dismissing the attorney because it made your husband mad that you hired one was a big, self defeating mistake. Why are you still trying to please him? Just because he said some things that hurt your feelings?

 

You will end up signing documents you don't understand, particularly if you don't even know how simple monthly bills work. His attorney (funny, he has one and that's ok???) will put language you don't understand into the documents. You won't know what you're signing, and you can't ask your son to help.

 

I recommend you rehire the attorney.

 

I am not trying to please him, truly. I just want the divorce to be finalised asap so I could get on with my life. I don't want it to be dragged out. The documents are pretty straightforward. Basically, all assets and being split 50/50. I'm OK with that and I understand them. He can say whatever hurtful things that he wants. I have no control over that. I will inform my son to not say anything regarding his father to me from now on. It serves no purpose other than getting me upset. I just hope that my son/sons see that the ugly things the STBX tells them are not true. It's up to them. I just don't understand why he feels the need to do it, that's all. Very disappointing. I gave him more credit than he deserves. Live and learn...

[lukeb]

I think with your son being an adult and everything, and being involved in the divorce it is not really your STBX who is making him believe anything, he sees things a certain way and that is just the way things are. We all have our sense of fairness, and it is not all that unusual especially for men to think that splitting assets 50/50 is the best way to go about it. Mostly because there is a period behind it and a finality to it, and he knows where he stands. This would probably maximize chances for some kind of resolution and acceptance. A monthly maintenance fee whether you are entitled to it or not is going to be seen as this constant "bleeding" without any end in sight. It not the rational way to think about it, it is just the emotional reaction and whatever feels fair. So yes I agree with you, if you can make this work and a relationship with your STBX and your sons is important to you, a monthly maintenance fee would not be the way to go.

 

The rational argument was already presented here and is well known how he had the opportunity to develop his career while you didn't. Rationality however doesn't come into play with these things as divorces are often fraught with emotion as this one seems to be.

[Wiseman2]

You're entitled to his social security at your age.

[boltnrun]

I am not trying to please him, truly. I just want the divorce to be finalised asap so I could get on with my life. I don't want it to be dragged out. The documents are pretty straightforward. Basically, all assets and being split 50/50. I'm OK with that and I understand them. He can say whatever hurtful things that he wants. I have no control over that. I will inform my son to not say anything regarding his father to me from now on. It serves no purpose other than getting me upset. I just hope that my son/sons see that the ugly things the STBX tells them are not true. It's up to them. I just don't understand why he feels the need to do it, that's all. Very disappointing. I gave him more credit than he deserves. Live and learn...

 

An attorney would not "drag out" a divorce.

 

But, I can see you're still stuck in the same mindset of not wanting to upset your (soon to be ex) husband even though he isn't being nice or considerate of you (no surprise there). You wrote a couple sentences about the attorney and divorce and the rest was about how hurt you are by what he's saying about you.

 

Him being "mean" is not relevant, not right now. What IS is making sure whatever is in the documents is fair. I mean, you yourself said you hadn't paid a bill in 29 years, so how would you know some clause isn't in there in ambiguous terminology that isn't in your best interest?

 

I know this is falling on deaf ears (eyes). I just hope you don't regret this rash and impulsive decision made with emotions once you've calmed down.

[journeynow]

I just hope that my son/sons see that the ugly things the STBX tells them are not true. It's up to them. I just don't understand why he feels the need to do it, that's all.

 

Keep in mind divorces and break ups are emotional roller coasters for both sides, even if they want the split. You both will be processing emotions and they'll affect your behavior and words in different ways. Don't take it too personally. His "ATM" comment is more about your lawyer's advice, not you, so leave it at that. If you have a signed agreement then there is nothing more to discuss with your STBX and you can go No Contact in your mind. That is the biggest hurdle, to leave all thoughts about him behind. Remember that old song "I'm gonna wash that man right outa my hair"? Kick him out of your head. One breath at a time.

 

By the way, I do think you are bad-mouthing your ex, whether you intend it that way or not. You are not neutral, you are angry at him, and it colors what you are focusing and the way you talk about him. You have a right to feel what you feel, but talking about it to others who know both of you isn't fair to them. That is where a therapist could help, or journaling (and perhaps burning the pages), could help.

[goddess]

I think with your son being an adult and everything, and being involved in the divorce it is not really your STBX who is making him believe anything, he sees things a certain way and that is just the way things are. We all have our sense of fairness, and it is not all that unusual especially for men to think that splitting assets 50/50 is the best way to go about it. Mostly because there is a period behind it and a finality to it, and he knows where he stands. This would probably maximize chances for some kind of resolution and acceptance. A monthly maintenance fee whether you are entitled to it or not is going to be seen as this constant "bleeding" without any end in sight. It not the rational way to think about it, it is just the emotional reaction and whatever feels fair. So yes I agree with you, if you can make this work and a relationship with your STBX and your sons is important to you, a monthly maintenance fee would not be the way to go.

 

The rational argument was already presented here and is well known how he had the opportunity to develop his career while you didn't. Rationality however doesn't come into play with these things as divorces are often fraught with emotion as this one seems to be.

 

I agree. That's why I did not contest it. He was fair and honest in that regard. Also, it was my choice to stay home and raise the kids and I am (still) so grateful that he earned enough money which enabled me to stay home.

[goddess]

You're entitled to his social security at your age.

 

I will be getting my own. I just got home after signing the divorce papers.

[goddess]

Keep in mind divorces and break ups are emotional roller coasters for both sides, even if they want the split. You both will be processing emotions and they'll affect your behavior and words in different ways. Don't take it too personally. His "ATM" comment is more about your lawyer's advice, not you, so leave it at that. If you have a signed agreement then there is nothing more to discuss with your STBX and you can go No Contact in your mind. That is the biggest hurdle, to leave all thoughts about him behind. Remember that old song "I'm gonna wash that man right outa my hair"? Kick him out of your head. One breath at a time.

 

By the way, I do think you are bad-mouthing your ex, whether you intend it that way or not. You are not neutral, you are angry at him, and it colors what you are focusing and the way you talk about him. You have a right to feel what you feel, but talking about it to others who know both of you isn't fair to them. That is where a therapist could help, or journaling (and perhaps burning the pages), could help.

 

For our own reasons, we both feel a sense of relief, at least I imagine he does because he wanted a divorce. Perhaps I am bad-mouthing him but it's only with people on this forum. And, yes, I am angry right now. It's part of the grieving process. I do talk with his mom and sister, and they are the ones who are bad-mouthing him. That said, I must say that I agree with their assessment. Yes, they love him and all, but they are also very well aware of his difficult personality. He shows them little respect and they are hurt by it as well.

 

I just hope we both find peace and happiness.

[reinventmyself]

I agree. That's why I did not contest it. He was fair and honest in that regard. Also, it was my choice to stay home and raise the kids and I am (still) so grateful that he earned enough money which enabled me to stay home.

 

I too was sooo grateful that I had the opportunity to stay home and raise my sons. Something happens along the way and that gratefulness - or what could be seen as indebtedness is the very thing that gets in your way of going after what you are entitled to. At least that's the angle that the one who holds the check book wants you buy into. If not monetarily, you deserve the respect for having provided for everyone in your own way.

 

Believe me when I tell you your husband benefited by having you at home. He had a live in housekeeper and someone to raise his children. Not to mention someone who took care of his unreasonable sexual demands. If the tables were turned Ill bet my paycheck he would have not wanted all your responsibilities.

 

If you figure in the cost of a cook, housekeeper, personal assistant, chauffeur and 24 hour a day childcare, he gets the better of the deal. Well, honestly everyone wins. Bu you are not to be soooo grateful to the point that it puts you at a disadvantage. You need to recognize if not only for yourself how much of a sacrifice you've made and take credit for what you contributed. Especially seeing you are now of age and have likely little or no marketable skills.

 

Your `services' allowed him the luxury of be able to advance in his career, make a living and afford a retirement. The fact that you stayed home makes you very vulnerable.

[goddess]

I agree that dismissing the attorney because it made your husband mad that you hired one was a big, self defeating mistake. Why are you still trying to please him? Just because he said some things that hurt your feelings?

 

You will end up signing documents you don't understand, particularly if you don't even know how simple monthly bills work. His attorney (funny, he has one and that's ok???) will put language you don't understand into the documents. You won't know what you're signing, and you can't ask your son to help.

 

I recommend you rehire the attorney.

 

It's done. I just signed the papers. I do understand them completely; they are very fair. I cannot complain. My attorney did state that the papers were very fair with the possible exception of the monthly maintenance fee. Again, with the assets that I was given, the monthly fee is minimal so I'm OK with not receiving it. I did some research on monthly bills and foresee no issues or problems in paying them. He may be a lot of things, but I still insist that he is honest and trustworthy. At least as far as financial matters are concerned.

[goddess]

I too was sooo grateful that I had the opportunity to stay home and raise my sons. Something happens along the way and that gratefulness - or what could be seen as indebtedness is the very thing that gets in your way of going after what you are entitled to. At least that's the angle that the one who holds the check book wants you buy into. If not monetarily, you deserve the respect for having provided for everyone in your own way.

 

Believe me when I tell you your husband benefited by having you at home. He had a live in housekeeper and someone to raise his children. Not to mention someone who took care of his unreasonable sexual demands. If the tables were turned Ill bet my paycheck he would have not wanted all your responsibilities.

 

If you figure in the cost of a cook, housekeeper, personal assistant, chauffeur and 24 hour a day childcare, he gets the better of the deal. Well, honestly everyone wins. Bu you are not to be soooo grateful to the point that it puts you at a disadvantage. You need to recognize if not only for yourself how much of a sacrifice you've made and take credit for what you contributed. Especially seeing you are now of age and have likely little or no marketable skills.

 

Your `services' allowed him the luxury of be able to advance in his career, make a living and afford a retirement. The fact that you stayed home makes you very vulnerable.

 

I get what you are saying. However, it was my choice to stay home and raise the kids. I had quite a prestigious career for years before I met him. I was ready for motherhood and all that it entailed and it gave me immeasurable pleasure. I wouldn't change a thing in that regard. I am financially set. Now I need to continue the grieving process so that I may attain acceptance, peace and happiness.

[goddess]

Couldn’t agree with this more. DO NOT sign anything without a lawyer and do not give up maintenance just to get this over with. You have little earning potential at this point and he had p,entry of years of work ahead of him. You are being rash and foolish to give up what you are entitled to. His opinion of you is irrelevant, he has tossed you aside, get everything you can or in a few years you will run into trouble and realize your bad decisions. He is once again trying to mow over you to get his way. Get a lawyer and stand up to him.

 

As I just mentioned, I signed the papers earlier today. I am more than set financially and I fully understand the agreement. After running some figures, I came to the conclusion that I actually do not need the monthly maintenance fee considering what I received in assets. I am not out to squeeze every penny that I can get from him. The agreement is totally fair and I cannot complain.

 

Yes, he tossed me aside but that was due to other issues. We both played a part in the demise of the marriage. I am more forgiving than he is so I was able to put up with more, I suppose. In conclusion, it's such a shame that it ended like this. If he had agreed to therapy, perhaps we could have worked out our issues. Or, perhaps not. Who knows? Too late now.

[boltnrun]

It's done. I just signed the papers. I do understand them completely; they are very fair. I cannot complain. My attorney did state that the papers were very fair with the possible exception of the monthly maintenance fee. Again, with the assets that I was given, the monthly fee is minimal so I'm OK with not receiving it. I did some research on monthly bills and foresee no issues or problems in paying them. He may be a lot of things, but I still insist that he is honest and trustworthy. At least as far as financial matters are concerned.

 

Except when he's asserting you treated him like an ATM.

 

But that's water under the bridge.

 

Are you planning on looking into perhaps a part-time job? I can tell you that after my divorce, the people I met at work ended up being a great source of support. Two other women were going through divorces and we talked, a LOT, about our experiences. It helped a great deal. I recommend it.

[goddess]

Except when he's asserting you treated him like an ATM.

 

But that's water under the bridge.

 

Are you planning on looking into perhaps a part-time job? I can tell you that after my divorce, the people I met at work ended up being a great source of support. Two other women were going through divorces and we talked, a LOT, about our experiences. It helped a great deal. I recommend it.

 

That was a cruel thing to say, however, he did do the right thing regarding the papers. Please understand that. He is. most likely, going through some sort of grieving himself. Sounds like he's at the angry stage. One tends to say things when one is angry that they will later regret. While we were still talking and I lived at the house, he did say that he wished it hasn't turned out this way. So, he's got to be upset to some degree. We're both human and we both need to process this loss, even if the marriage was not ideal.

 

Not too sure what is out there as far as a job is concerned. I suppose some sort of volunteer work may be an option. Or, some sort of support group. Remember that I am now 67 (just had a birthday this past weekend).

[boltnrun]

Volunteer work is a great idea.

 

It's also good that you have forgiven him for his comment. A day or so ago you were really hurt (hence this thread).

[goddess]

Volunteer work is a great idea.

 

It's also good that you have forgiven him for his comment. A day or so ago you were really hurt (hence this thread).

 

Of course I was hurt because it's SO far from the truth. Nobody likes to be falsely accused. When I calmed down, I realised that he must be grieving. It sounds like he's at the angry stage. One tends to say things when one is angry that one will later regret. While we were still talking and I lived at the house, he did say that he wished it hadn't turned out this way. I didn't want a divorce either. So, he's got to be upset/angry to some degree. We're both human and we both need to process this loss, even if the marriage was not ideal.

[reinventmyself]

Of course I was hurt because it's SO far from the truth. Nobody likes to be falsely accused. When I calmed down, I realised that he must be grieving. It sounds like he's at the angry stage. One tends to say things when one is angry that one will later regret. While we were still talking and I lived at the house, he did say that he wished it hadn't turned out this way. I didn't want a divorce either. So, he's got to be upset/angry to some degree. We're both human and we both need to process this loss, even if the marriage was not ideal.

 

Go back and reread of all the things you've just said about him in the start out of anger and frustration.

Do you feel the same way now or were you just venting?

Consider your ex doing the same when something unkind spills out of his mouth.

[goddess]

Go back and reread of all the things you've just said about him in the start out of anger and frustration.

Do you feel the same way now or were you just venting?

Consider your ex doing the same when something unkind spills out of his mouth.

 

You know, I don't know how I feel. There are days when I feel anger towards him for not wanting to salvage the marriage and seek therapy, or when he accuses me of things that are simply not true. That makes me angry and upset. There are days when I miss him so much. Yes, I know, crazy! Today, I signed the papers and it made it truly real, if you know what I mean. Today, I am hurting so much. I am walking around my apartment aimlessly and crying. I hate feeling this way because it serves no purpose but it's how I feel. It haunts my thoughts almost constantly. I started this thread because I was so upset that he said I treated him like an ATM. It's not true, angry or not. I don't like to be falsely accused. If I did something wrong, I will admit it. At lease what I write is true (like his verbal abuse). I didn't make that up. Others realised it during the marriage and have pointed it out to me so I am not fabricating it. Am I making any sense?

[reinventmyself]

Am I making any sense?

 

Yes. What makes the most sense is you are intensely grieving and very raw right now.

No doubt hearing that message through your son had a huge impact. You've sorted that out and have come to terms with it.

 

I wish I could say something to make this easier.

It just hurts. That's all there is to it. Honor your feelings and let them wash over you.

 

The only way out of it is to go through it.

 

Hang in there. You are smart woman with a good heart.

You will get through this.

[goddess]

Yes. What makes the most sense is you are intensely grieving and very raw right now.

No doubt hearing that message through your son had a huge impact. You've sorted that out and have come to terms with it.

 

I wish I could say something to make this easier.

It just hurts. That's all there is to it. Honor your feelings and let them wash over you.

 

The only way out of it is to go through it.

 

Hang in there. You are smart woman with a good heart.

You will get through this.

 

You are so right, reinventmyself. That is precisely what I am going through right now. The mental anguish is so intense. I appreciate your kind words of encouragement right now. I look forward to the day when this horrible pain abates. Thank you. xx