Why is he bashing me like this?

[Chris12189]

Of course I was hurt because it's SO far from the truth. Nobody likes to be falsely accused. When I calmed down, I realised that he must be grieving. It sounds like he's at the angry stage. One tends to say things when one is angry that one will later regret. While we were still talking and I lived at the house, he did say that he wished it hadn't turned out this way. I didn't want a divorce either. So, he's got to be upset/angry to some degree. We're both human and we both need to process this loss, even if the marriage was not ideal.

 

Alot of it has to do with lawyers negotiating. Your lawyer is probably (and rightly so) acting like a harda** in order to make sure you get the best deal possible out of this, so his lawyer is relaying to him "oh her lawyer is doing this and that"....since there are alot of emotions involved he is probably irrationally correlating what YOUR lawyer is doing/acting/saying as what you are. You will probably be able to salvage some sort of civility out of this down the road, but right now focus on yourself, healing, and your children.

[goddess]

Alot of it has to do with lawyers negotiating. Your lawyer is probably (and rightly so) acting like a harda** in order to make sure you get the best deal possible out of this, so his lawyer is relaying to him "oh her lawyer is doing this and that"....since there are alot of emotions involved he is probably irrationally correlating what YOUR lawyer is doing/acting/saying as what you are. You will probably be able to salvage some sort of civility out of this down the road, but right now focus on yourself, healing, and your children.

 

Actually, I decided to not have a lawyer represent me. I did see one so that she could look over the divorce agreement and she did say that the financial aspect of it was fair. All assets are divided 50/50 and I am very comfortable with that. He showed me his proposed agreement before seeing his lawyer and, to me, it was very fair and honest. I signed the final papers yesterday. I am trying really hard to move on but signing those papers yesterday made it too real. I thought I made a little progress towards healing but now I'm back to square one. I feel such anguish and pain. It's so sad, but I miss him even though I realise that the marriage was not ideal. I just hope I will be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel one day. Thank you for your feedback.

[lostandhurt]

goddess

 

You fell into the same trap so many people do when getting a divorce. They just want it over so they can move on so they agree and rush things instead of getting and listening to advice from friends and professionals. I certainly hope it works out for you but far to many times 6 to 12 months down the road "just wanting it over" turns into buyers remorse.

 

You see you are and have been in no condition to handle many of these details yourself due to your emotional connection and the pain you are going through and that is why having an impassioned person helping you is so very important. The deed is done for now. You can always take him back to court if you find that what you agreed to is not enough to live on or if you (and the court) were misled.

 

Getting it over with and moving on are not dictated by a signature on a document as you will come to find out. It is only a legal agreement, not an emotional ointment to heal the hurt from 29 years now gone.

 

Time to get wise on the ways of the world, be extremely frugal as you make your way into being single and living on your own for the first time in 3 decades. Once some time has passed your feet will be firmly under you and you can relax a little and enjoy this phase of your life.

 

You are vulnerable so be very careful who you trust and do not date for at least a year.

 

Best wishes

 

Lost

[goddess]

goddess

 

You fell into the same trap so many people do when getting a divorce. They just want it over so they can move on so they agree and rush things instead of getting and listening to advice from friends and professionals. I certainly hope it works out for you but far to many times 6 to 12 months down the road "just wanting it over" turns into buyers remorse.

 

You see you are and have been in no condition to handle many of these details yourself due to your emotional connection and the pain you are going through and that is why having an impassioned person helping you is so very important. The deed is done for now. You can always take him back to court if you find that what you agreed to is not enough to live on or if you (and the court) were misled.

 

Getting it over with and moving on are not dictated by a signature on a document as you will come to find out. It is only a legal agreement, not an emotional ointment to heal the hurt from 29 years now gone.

 

Time to get wise on the ways of the world, be extremely frugal as you make your way into being single and living on your own for the first time in 3 decades. Once some time has passed your feet will be firmly under you and you can relax a little and enjoy this phase of your life.

 

You are vulnerable so be very careful who you trust and do not date for at least a year.

 

Best wishes

 

Lost

 

I am touched by your caring message, lostandhurt. Unless, I'm not seeing the picture clearly (which I'm convinced I am), I will be OK financially. I did send a copy of the opting out agreement listing all the division of the assets (50/50) to my son, and my brother and his wife. I met with my lawyer to see if she thought that the agreement was fair and that I understood it. She agreed that it was. I also have a certified financial consultant who is managing the financial assets for me. If I am unable to live comfortably with the assets that I was given, then there is something seriously wrong with me, unless something catastrophic happens. My STBX may be a lot of things, but he honest and fair when it comes to assets. I am being very careful with my spending; I've always been careful not to indulge in too much conspicuous consumption. The verbal and emotional abuse I endured is another story. He didn't call me names but belittled me fairly often, presenting in the form of a joke at times.

 

I don't understand why I am feeling like I am. What is wrong with me??? After putting up with all his BS (and I have my flaws as well) I still miss him so much. Guess it's because I loved him unconditionally. I thought I was making fairly good progress towards healing (he said he wanted a divorce the middle of May) but after signing the papers yesterday, I feel that I am back to square one. I wish I were still part of his life. Crazy? Yes, but it's how I feel. I am in such pain again. I cry so often again. I don't know how to get out of this dark place. I know it will get better but right now it's awful.

 

About dating: I cannot imagine EVER doing that again. I'm done with that.

[journeynow]

Hugs, goddess. I believe there can be layers of attachment, and what feels like going back to square one is actually releasing attachment at a new level. The only way through it is...through. Be kind to yourself. Do some extra self-care at the moment. You were together a long time, and some of that was good, I'll bet, so letting go of a future with that is part of the grieving. My divorce was after 30 years as well, and the pain does ease up over time, but it takes work and change and breathing through the rough spells. I shed so many tears I made a deal with myself. I gave myself a list of To-Do chores and told myself it was ok to cry, I just had to do something physical at the same time. It really helped, maybe because it was grounding, and I could physically direct my energy and focus. I also recommend getting body work, therapeutic massage, reflexology, or some other healing touch. It was a splurge for me, not something I'd been inclined to do until a friend gave me a gift certificate, and I highly recommend it, even if it is only for the first few months. Hang in there.

[Wiseman2]

Is your son an attorney? Sorry you are going through this. Signing papers makes it real and it's not all about money. It's ok to mourn the end of a huge chapter of your life. Change is never easy particularly if you didn't want it and weren't prepared for it. However, kids grow up, people retire, people get diagnosed with terminal or chronic illnesses, parents die, spouses die. Life is never static and not always a choice or what we wanted..

I did send a copy of the opting out agreement listing all the division of the assets (50/50) to my son

[goddess]

Is your son an attorney? Sorry you are going through this. Signing papers makes it real and it's not all about money. It's ok to mourn the end of a huge chapter of your life. Change is never easy particularly if you didn't want it and weren't prepared for it. However, kids grow up, people retire, people get diagnosed with terminal or chronic illnesses, parents die, spouses die. Life is never static and not always a choice or what we wanted..

 

No, but he did study some law so he has a fair grasp of it. However, it's not that complicated. The paper just lists assets in banks, IRAs, life insurance policies, value of the house, etc. All these were divided 50/50 in very clear terms and actual figures. As I mentioned to someone on this thread, if I am unable to live off those assets that I was given, then there is clearly something wrong with me. I'm not concerned about the financial aspect of my life. I just struggle trying to keep my head above water because the sheer pain and anguish right now are so overwhelming. Like you mentioned, there are worse problems in life. My sons, STBX and I have our health and that is of utmost importance. For that, I am deeply grateful. I know that, in time, I will feel better. I am trying to put things in perspective. I do have to go through the stages of grief and, except for a few setbacks, I am coping in the best way that I can.

 

I will admit that I have some validation from a number of individuals that his personality leaves much to be desired. Without my saying anything, these people told me that it was so obvious that he is controlling, chauvinistic and self-righteous but they didn't say anything (well, some did because they have no filter) out of respect for me. His way or the highway type of individual. If I think about it, it's rather embarrassing that they all saw this side of him. I did too but I was foolish to put up with it. I always defended him and saw the good in him. I still think he's basically a good person with some deep rooted issues. I just with he had the insight to see the glass half full, rather than half empty. But, that said, that is how he views things. His loss. Live and lean, I guess. Thank you for your feedback, Wiseman2. I appreciate it. Enjoy your weekend.

[goddess]

Hugs, goddess. I believe there can be layers of attachment, and what feels like going back to square one is actually releasing attachment at a new level. The only way through it is...through. Be kind to yourself. Do some extra self-care at the moment. You were together a long time, and some of that was good, I'll bet, so letting go of a future with that is part of the grieving. My divorce was after 30 years as well, and the pain does ease up over time, but it takes work and change and breathing through the rough spells. I shed so many tears I made a deal with myself. I gave myself a list of To-Do chores and told myself it was ok to cry, I just had to do something physical at the same time. It really helped, maybe because it was grounding, and I could physically direct my energy and focus. I also recommend getting body work, therapeutic massage, reflexology, or some other healing touch. It was a splurge for me, not something I'd been inclined to do until a friend gave me a gift certificate, and I highly recommend it, even if it is only for the first few months. Hang in there.

 

30 years -- you know exactly how debilitating such a loss is. I am so sorry you had to go through this. I hope you have found peace and happiness these days. Doing something physical sounds like a wonderful plan. I thank you for your sound suggestions. Take good care of yourself, OK? xx

[lostandhurt]

My marriage was long dead and I thought I was doing very well until one day a large envelope showed up in the mail. It was from the court that had approved the divorce. It was signed by the judge and official about a week earlier but it hit me way harder than I had imagined it would. That feeling or funk stayed with me for a while and then I shrugged it off and went about my day.

 

You miss the companionship, you miss the shared love, you miss the security of having him with you and yes you still love him in spite of the treatment. Turning off love after 29 years is not possible just like that, you loved him dearly so chances are you will always love him to some extent. Give yourself a break and just accept how you are feeling and don't think it is wrong or right, they are just feelings you are having.

 

I would bet good money in a year or less he will come snooping around trying to get back into your life and bed. Be careful because you know he will not change.

 

Don't discount dating again. Closing yourself off is not healthy, just don't jump back in to fast before your life is really solid and you are emotionally ready. There are some good guys out there that looking for a woman just like you. I think you would be surprised how it feels to be loved, respected and treated well by a real man.

 

Good luck

 

Lost

[goddess]

My marriage was long dead and I thought I was doing very well until one day a large envelope showed up in the mail. It was from the court that had approved the divorce. It was signed by the judge and official about a week earlier but it hit me way harder than I had imagined it would. That feeling or funk stayed with me for a while and then I shrugged it off and went about my day.

 

You miss the companionship, you miss the shared love, you miss the security of having him with you and yes you still love him in spite of the treatment. Turning off love after 29 years is not possible just like that, you loved him dearly so chances are you will always love him to some extent. Give yourself a break and just accept how you are feeling and don't think it is wrong or right, they are just feelings you are having.

 

I would bet good money in a year or less he will come snooping around trying to get back into your life and bed. Be careful because you know he will not change.

 

Don't discount dating again. Closing yourself off is not healthy, just don't jump back in to fast before your life is really solid and you are emotionally ready. There are some good guys out there that looking for a woman just like you. I think you would be surprised how it feels to be loved, respected and treated well by a real man.

 

Good luck

 

Lost

 

You know, Lost, I felt the same way. I was genuinely happy, even though he made it a point to make condescending/insulting remarks to me often. That became a norm for him and I'm willing to bet that if I (or anyone else for that matter) were to point it out to him, he would be surprised or even deny it. That's his nature, at least towards me. He is a very difficult person to live with, no question about that.

 

I cannot believe how cruel your ex was. How could someone do that to his partner who shared his life for 30 years??? Some people have no conscience. Truly despicable. Yes, I do miss all those things you mentioned. But, I've taken off the rose-coloured glasses lately. Why should I stay (not that I had a choice) with someone who threatened divorce 3 times in 6 years because I felt so uncomfortable doing the kinky things that he enjoyed? I tried, truly, but he couldn't even appreciate my efforts. If I did them, he was happy. If I didn't, there were consequences. As long as HE was happy, the world was wondeful. I feel rather relieved that I don't have a daily "to do" list hanging over my head anymore.

 

I hate to admit this but I hope he has a hard time finding a steady gf. Anger speaking - probably. I am not a vindictive person but I wish that on him. Immature of me? Oh, yes. But, karma is a bi*ch. He already had a woman stay over the house 11 days after I moved out!!! Granted, we were separated, but so soon? Apparently, she was already in the works. Perhaps, one day, he will realise how fortunate and blessed he was. I seriously doubt he'll ever want to come back to me, but you never know. He can go to h*ll.

 

About dating: I don't think I could ever take a chance of getting so deeply hurt again but I will maintain an open mind. Thank you for taking the time to answer. I wish you all good and happy things. xx

[Wiseman2]

Try not to allow your shock at reality and your loneliness to take over your life. The marriage was awful for over 1/2 a decade and he frequently wanted to divorce over the past 6 yrs. But you wanted to ignore that and smooth things over. Now it's finally happened. It was most likely in the works for all those years along with other women.

 

He just decided to file when it was most financially opportune for him (you being social security age). But he was hostile and wanted out for years.

 

Look forward not back. And having some companionship with a man who is more honest and more in your life-stage is a good idea you shouldn't rule out.

Perhaps, one day, he will realise how fortunate and blessed he was. I seriously doubt he'll ever want to come back to me, but you never know.

[goddess]

Try not to allow your shock at reality and your loneliness to take over your life. The marriage was awful for over 1/2 a decade and he frequently wanted to divorce over the past 6 yrs. But you wanted to ignore that and smooth things over. Now it's finally happened. It was most likely in the works for all those years along with other women.

 

He just decided to file when it was most financially opportune for him (you being social security age). But he was hostile and wanted out for years.

 

Look forward not back. And having some companionship with a man who is more honest and more in your life-stage is a good idea you shouldn't rule out.

 

How right you are regarding your assessment of the marriage. He is emotionally immature and insecure. Looking back, he frequently felt the need to place me beneath him in order to make himself feel better. I absolutely knew that but put up with it because I recognised that behaviour pattern and felt rather sorry/bad for him. I loved him unconditionally. What a fool I was!!! As more people are discovering the news regarding the divorce, they are telling me that they saw how disrespectful he was towards me. I didn't ask them; THEY told me. It's rather embarrassing that they were/are so aware of it, which gives me some validation. As I mentioned to some posters, I finally took off the rose-coloured glasses. I ask myself how I was able to put up with his verbal and emotional abuse for so long. He does have his good points and I won't forget that but how he treated me was not how it should be between two people who love one another.

 

I will move ahead and I know I'll find peace and happiness. Thank you again for your feedback.

 

I am beginning to feel somewhat relieved to be free of his ridiculous demands and abusive behaviour. I know I will be better off in the end and I believe that I am coping rather well, all things considered.

[Wiseman2]

Sounds like you have a good support network in place.

As more people are discovering the news regarding the divorce, they are telling me that they saw how disrespectful he was towards me. I didn't ask them; THEY told me.

[goddess]

Sounds like you have a good support network in place.

 

Thank you, Wiseman2. I appreciate your taking time to answer. Take good care of yourself. Hopefully, when I am fully healed I will post an update. Hugs.