Struggling

[Fairy23]

Basically I was with my partner 2 and a half years, we lived together then I had to move out due to a break up because of abuse but after a few months we ended getting back together. We were happy so I thought.

 

My ex had started acting extremely weird with me the past 3 months, he would never want to see me and make every excuse under the sun, he wouldn’t answer my calls or texts suddenly and it was a constant battle to get his attention. One day I did go round his house and a message popped up on his phone saying thank you for the date, can’t wajt to spend another night with you. I asked him about it and he said it was a spam text. But I knew it wasn’t.

 

A few days later I slept round his house and we had the window open because it was hot. Then at about 1am I heard a girls voice saying his name, banging on the door and throwing stones at the window. He said he had no idea who it was. Then the next day in the afternoon a note appeared through the door saying it was her that came round and she misses him and go contact her asap. We had a huge argument about this and he said she’s just a psycho and he has never touched her and won’t soeak to her again so I said fine.

 

Then a week later she messaged me saying to back off her man and that they have slept together etc. I shown him the texts and he said I was over reacting and that now I’m the psycho :( and since then he never saw me again and said he needed time to think and be alone, which I thought was suspicious. I stupidly text him yesterday apologising and asking if we could talk and now I feel like an idiot because I have had no reply :(

 

I am really struggling because I miss him so much, he is 11 years older than me and an alcoholic so people say he’s not a catch etc. But I can’t help who I love. It has been a week now with no contact and I’m dying inside, I’m having therapy and I’m on anti depressants to try and help but nothing seems to be working. He has made me lose all my friends so I literally have no one to talk to. How do I move on when I just want to cry and stay in bed? :(

[MissCanuck]

This was very sad to read.

 

So, he's an abusive, alcoholic, lying cheater - and yet you were apologizing to him. Yes, that is indeed a sign you need the guidance of a professional therapist. Your self-esteem is completely shattered. How long have you been in therapy, and have you explained this most recent situation to him/her?

 

Do you have any family you could reach out to? If he was abusive (and I gather he was, based on your reasoning for moving out initiaally) I would also look into local support groups for victims of domestic violence. You might meet some women who understand that you are going through and would be happy to lend an ear. I would also look into codependency, as what you describe isn't love but a strong and destructive emotional attachment. It should help you understand why you hung on to this toxic situation.

 

Please, block this dirt bag from your life. He is never going to change, and he shown you he has no respect for you at all.

[Hollyj]

You miss him cheating on, and treating you like absolute garbage? This guy does not care about or respect you. He ia a cheat, alcoholic and a liar.

 

Where is your self worth? You should have blocked and been done with this guy, long ago. How can your standards go any lower.

 

I agree with Miss Canuck, It was "very sad to read." He did not make you lose your friends, YOU chose to let them go, as you made your entire life abut this guy. Unhealthy! What do your parents think of this creep?

 

Stop allowing people to treat you like this! And, you can help who you love. This is a very unhealthy relationship.

[Wiseman2]

Yes you can. Read up on abusive relationships and trauma bonding. Continue appropriate therapy and medical help. If you still think "you can't help who you love" and "he made you lose your friends" then perhaps find better medical management and therapy. Move back home to your parents. Help yourself.

I can’t help who I love.

[SGH]

You're addicted to the highs and lows of this "relationship", and the idea of being chosen. The fact that you accept such horrible treatment and do not take responsibility for the consequences of choosing to continue with this man shows that you need professional help to learn how to love yourself. If you were loving yourself properly, you'd recognize that this man offers nothing but pain and unhealthy competition. Go NC. Get help.

[Annia]

Why are you still giving the time of the day to this abusive, cheater, liar, loser? Have you sought therapy to figure out why you're still in this cycle with someone you know is so awful and doesn't respect you at all?

[Annia]

Sorry I just read now that you're actually on therapy. But if therapy is not making you realise your responsibility in this and how it's your choice to put this loser above your friends and self respect , you should probably try another therapist.

 

It's not your fault that he's an abuser and a cheater but it's your responsibility to respect yourself enough to say "that's enough" and put yourself and your well being first.

 

I was in an abusive relationship too many years ago and too addicted to the highs and lows of the abusive cycle. Until I realised that it was my choice to keep degrading myself by staying with such person and that it was my choice to put him above my friends and family and that's when I regained control and said "it's enough". Take responsibility and respect yourself. Delete and block for your own good! And I also recommend a STD scan just to be sure.

[Hollyj]

Sorry I just read now that you're actually on therapy. But if therapy is not making you realise your responsibility in this and how it's your choice to put this loser above your friends and self respect , you should probably try another therapist.

 

It's not your fault that he's an abuser and a cheater but it's your responsibility to respect yourself enough to say "that's enough" and put yourself and your well being first.

 

I was in an abusive relationship too many years ago and too addicted to the highs and lows of the abusive cycle. Until I realised that it was my choice to keep degrading myself by staying with such person and that it was my choice to put him above my friends and family and that's when I regained control and said "it's enough". Take responsibility and respect yourself. Delete and block for your own good! And I also recommend a STD scan just to be sure.

 

Great advice!

[Fairy23]

He promised me the second time around he would treat me so right and he ended up with another woman, I really don’t understand how someone can hurt another person like that and I’m struggling to come to terms with it. The fact aswell he constantly lied to me saying he didn’t know who she was and she was a psycho and making me seem like I was going mental. All I ever did was love and care for that man. His mum has even text me asking if I had spoke to him but surely she would know because they work together? I feel so low

[Wiseman2]

Unless your therapist is a quack, these thoughts make no sense. It's odd you have zero understanding of abusive relationship dynamics, sociopaths, gaslighting, etc and yet claim to be getting help. And you have never bothered to research or google 'abusive relationships' and at least read up on it?

 

It's also bizarre you were never advised to cut him and all his people out of your life and delete and block them. Stop being a martyr and undermining yourself, etc. And get a competent qualified educated therapist!

[Hollyj]

If he was abusive early on, then you shouldn't have given him another chance. this is who he is. He will not change.

 

Bottom line, he does not love or respect you. Stop communicating with the mother.

 

Take control of your life and stop seeing yourself as a victim. You chose to stay in this mess.

 

What exactly do you miss about this guy?

[Fairy23]

I know everything you’re all saying is right but right now I’m finding it difficult to sink in and I know it will take time and it will happen but I just wanted to know opinions on how to perhaps overcome it or if anyone had been in a similar situation.

I miss the good times we had together and how good he made me feel with those good times. I know the bad times should outweigh the good though. He’s made me feel and believe that I cannot be without him, that I’m psycho for thinking he was cheating and that I won’t find anyone else which I know is stupid because i’m Only 24. I have never felt this way with any other relationship I have had so I’m struggling to wonder why this one that taken over me so much

[Hollyj]

Why don't you try to reach out to those old friends. The fact that you are isolated and have no life outside of this guy does not help the situation.

 

What does your family think about him?

 

You need to see your complicity. he did not make you do anything that you will not willing to be a part of. You can change your patterns if you wish. Take some responsibility. You are not helpless and know exactly who he is. And, NEVER be with someone in the hopes they will change. They don't!

 

Did your therapist encourage you to stay with him, or leave him?

[SGH]

I know everything you’re all saying is right but right now I’m finding it difficult to sink in and I know it will take time and it will happen but I just wanted to know opinions on how to perhaps overcome it or if anyone had been in a similar situation.

I miss the good times we had together and how good he made me feel with those good times. I know the bad times should outweigh the good though. He’s made me feel and believe that I cannot be without him, that I’m psycho for thinking he was cheating and that I won’t find anyone else which I know is stupid because i’m Only 24. I have never felt this way with any other relationship I have had so I’m struggling to wonder why this one that taken over me so much

 

I've been through at abuse in my past, and I'm telling you that self-love is the answer. If you are giving yourself what you need, you won't accept men into your life that don't add anything. It sounds cliche, but it's true. Keep in mind, though, that self-love is a journey. The first step is to realize that you deserve more than this man who has never treated you well.

[Fairy23]

My family hate him and haven’t spoke to him since we broke up the first time because of the way he treated me. My therapist encouraged me to leave him but he actually left me first which I think made it harder. What makes me feel more like an idiot is for going back to him in the first place, last year when I walked away I was slowly getting my life back on track and starting to think about him less then he started contacting me again and everything came flooding back. I really regret going back there but I 100% thought things would be different and I know I only have myself to blame in all this

[Hollyj]

You need to block him and anyone associated with him. Now!

 

Take control of your life. Today!

[Hollyj]

Get your behind out of bed, and do something. Take a walk, contact old friends, visit family, look into Meetups and volunteering. Do something other than mourning the demise of this nothing individual.

 

Hasn't this guy wasted enough of your life!

[Wiseman2]

You are a full grown adult. Hopefully you have a job, friends, place to stay, etc. Enlist the help of your parents and stop defying them. If necessary move back in with them. In the meantime do some reading to educate yourself. Either stop going to the therapist or start addressing your issues and following recommended advice. Stop blaming this ahole for all your choices. You were not held hostage, you chose to stay.

i’m Only 24.

[DanZee]

Your story is so typical of someone who was emotionally abused. if you Google emotional abuse and emotional dependency you will see that you and your boyfriend fit the profile perfectly, including him saying he'll change and you apologizing to him. And so many abused people talk about the good times they had in the relationship, but that's part of the pattern. At times the abuser exaggerates his love for you and makes you feel special, and then crashes your world down on you until you start accepting his abusive behavior as normal. The age difference makes it worse, because he's probably been abusing women for some time and he knows what works. Heck, that woman throwing stones at his window and banging on his door is probably in the same situation as you are!

 

You've got to get out of this situation to win back your self-esteem and your self confidence. He is destroying you. Call an abuse hotline for help or seek out abuse services in your community. He doesn't care about you, only himself.

[MissCanuck]

I know everything you’re all saying is right but right now I’m finding it difficult to sink in and I know it will take time and it will happen but I just wanted to know opinions on how to perhaps overcome it or if anyone had been in a similar situation.

I miss the good times we had together and how good he made me feel with those good times. I know the bad times should outweigh the good though. He’s made me feel and believe that I cannot be without him, that I’m psycho for thinking he was cheating and that I won’t find anyone else which I know is stupid because i’m Only 24. I have never felt this way with any other relationship I have had so I’m struggling to wonder why this one that taken over me so much

 

I'll ask again, as I'm curious - what does your therapist recommend that you do, in terms of healing?

[Fairy23]

Cut all contact which I did do until yesterday when I text to apologise but I will not do it again. They’ve told me to take small steps whether it be go for a walk as that helps to clear feelings, reach out to friends and family, delete all photos and keep a diary with exactly how I am feeling and write down all my negative thoughts into there and turn them into positives. I know I will get over this but it’s not going to be easy, each day I try and tell myself that I can do this

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. Good advice and it will help more and more over time. They have a journal section here precisely for folks who want to chronicle their recovery, love life, progress, etc. : https://www.enotalone.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=64

They’ve told me to take small steps whether it be go for a walk as that helps to clear feelings, reach out to friends and family, delete all photos and keep a diary with exactly how I am feeling and write down all my negative thoughts into there and turn them into positives. I know I will get over this but it’s not going to be easy, each day I try and tell myself that I can do this

[Annia]

My family hate him and haven’t spoke to him since we broke up the first time because of the way he treated me. My therapist encouraged me to leave him but he actually left me first which I think made it harder. What makes me feel more like an idiot is for going back to him in the first place, last year when I walked away I was slowly getting my life back on track and starting to think about him less then he started contacting me again and everything came flooding back. I really regret going back there but I 100% thought things would be different and I know I only have myself to blame in all this

 

 

Abusers do this all the time. They'll throw you away (you're disposable to them) but when you start to get independent from them, they want to regain control and have their egos fed again and so they come back with promises or appearing to have changed. It's a cycle. They thrive on confusing the other person and having them addicted to them. Which is why is so important when you break up with someone like this to delete and block and try to reconnect with the friends you neglected during this time. Having a circle of friends and family helps a lot and they can remind you over and over again why you need to be away from this person.

 

When I broke up with my abusive ex and he saw I was moving on, he sent me lots of messages, called countless times (to which I never answered), talked to friends of mine to try to reach me, made big romantic gestures and even stalked me. It wasn't out of love, but out of his addiction to being in control and manipulating me. When I kept my no contact and deleted and blocked and kept myself non accessible to him, he finally got another supply to do the same he had done to me.

 

All of this to warn you to never trust an abusive person when they say they're going to change and do all this crap to pretend like they love you just to have you under their control again. And even if they don't do this in a conscious manner, you need to realise that he doesn't love you or respect you at all, and the more you come back to him, beg and put him first, the less he'll respect you. He loves watching you squirm... it gives him an ego rush.

 

You can either continue this cycle and destroying your life or you can regain ownership of your life, take responsibility and never give him the chance to even contact you in the future. Reconnecting with your friends and family is much more important than feeding this cheater abusive liar's ego.

[Fairy23]

That sounds completely what my ex did, he messaged 2 of my friends saying that he missed me so much and even accused one of being with me! I think it was just to see if I had moved on with another guy. He made so many empty promises such as him having a reversal (he already had 5 of his own with 4 different women) then when we argued he would say he was never going to get one then I would spend my life without any children of my own which really hurt as he knew it was my dream.

 

So far today, I haven’t cried and it has felt a little easier, I have still thought about him heck of a lot but I think the pain is easing. I’m just worried he might contact me somehow or wait outside my work but I have to be strong now. I can never ever allow myself to feel this low over a nasty, manipulative man.

 

Thank you everyone for your support x

[Wiseman2]

Make sure you are honest and sincere with all your friends and family. Enlist their support and rebuild you friendships. Don't be shy, tell them what's going really on. With that, request that they cease any attempts at him communicating with them about you and that they do not reveal information about you.

 

Of course you can't insist people block him, but you should ask. You as well should review your social media and tighten up your privacy settings and it goes without saying that he and all his people should be blocked and deleted from all contact lists, social media and messaging platforms.