Money money money.

[Kmart23]

I am getting tired about how much my wife cares about money, yet she makes $0 herself.

She blew up at me today because I didn't transfer my wages for this week into our joint account yet.

I get paid Thursday's and usually transfer it on the same day but this week I went to the funeral of the mother of a very good friend of mine. I just forgot to transfer the money and the next day I didn't even think about it as its not my usual routine on a Friday.

 

Well, today she went ape, and from what she shouted at me, she thinks I am trying to steal money??!

 

I found out about 6 months ago (3 years into our marriage) that she owes her parents $40k, which she was trying to siphon back to them secretly, but after I discovered where all our money was going, I thought she had stopped. If she stopped taking money from my salary to send to her parents, why did she get so upset that the money I receive from my employment stayed in my account a few days longer than usual? It's a shame she behaves like this because she is a great mother. Also, there is plenty of money in our joint account already. I don't know why she got so angry I didn't transfer it over immediately. Seems very greedy.

Can anyone relate to her actions? I want to understand this. I don't want to think she is just greedy, but I can't see any other obvious reason for her actions.

[RainyCoast]

what did she borrow the 40k for and why is someone in that much debt not working/earning? when was the last time she was earning herself?

[Kmart23]

what did she borrow the 40k for and why is someone in that much debt not working/earning? when was the last time she was earning herself?

 

40k is for uni which she never completed, promised to pay back. I never knew either until I discovered where some of the money was going.

She was earning money for herself about 2 years ago. (Married for just over 3 years now.)

[RainyCoast]

i think you need to not be making your earnings so easily available to her.

 

is she a stay at home mother? how old are the children/ child? have you considered day care or grandparents to watch the children so she could work?

 

i am very sorry but she not only lied about a huge thing, chose to not forge a plan together to pay off her debt, but also literally stole your money to pay it off and had no trouble projecting it on you and behaving as if she was entitled to your earnings. this isn't remotely okay and the least you'd be well within your rights to demand is that she

 

1. does not have unlimited access to your earnings

2. is making her own money to pay her parents back

3. sees a financial advisor herself and a marital counselor with you

 

are her parents pressuring her to pay them back? does she have any other possessions that might be useful in compensating the parents?

[RainyCoast]

I am getting tired about how much my wife cares about money

 

besides this incident, in what ways does this preoccupation with money manifest?

 

i am really interested in why he hasn't worked in two years.

[Kmart23]

i think you need to not be making your earnings so easily available to her.

 

is she a stay at home mother? how old are the children/ child? have you considered day care or grandparents to watch the children so she could work?

 

i am very sorry but she not only lied about a huge thing, chose to not forge a plan together to pay off her debt, but also literally stole your money to pay it off and had no trouble projecting it on you and behaving as if she was entitled to your earnings. this isn't remotely okay and the least you'd be well within your rights to demand is that she

 

1. does not have unlimited access to your earnings

2. is making her own money to pay her parents back

3. sees a financial advisor herself and a marital counselor with you

 

are her parents pressuring her to pay them back? does she have any other possessions that might be useful in compensating the parents?

 

I was super angry when I discovered the 40k she planned to repay to her parents, whilst thinking she could do it with money I earn while keeping me oblivious to the fact. It still annoys me to think about it. She never even really apologised.

 

She has access to the funds in our joint account but to the best of my knowledge, she hasn't used that money to send to her parents since I 'busted' her. I do deposit $300 into her private account for her every fortnight, but for example, that was gone in a week last fortnight so we need to check where her 'spending money' goes.

 

I know I'll look like the Gillian, but she doesn't pay rent/utilities/gas, etc, so I don't know where the money goes. She does hang out with her friends a fair amount so I know there's that. Now we have a child together I can't just up and leave. I think you are right about the marriage counselling advice, but she is so stubborn, I can see myself spending a small fortune and listen to her apologise and say she will change but to only see it was all lies once again.

[RainyCoast]

I was wondering too if the debt is real and if it is, whether it's where the money is really going to.

 

If I understand correctly the 300 is her spending money and not money intended for the child, groceries and household. If so, it's enabling her.

 

I'm very sorry but this is just dirty behavior on her part and I don't think there's a"soft" way to go about it. You do need to make it impossible for her to spend money unaccounted for. And I mean pragmatically impossible, because as you say, you already know how talking, agreements, discussions are going to go.

 

I do not like saying it but counseling, whether marital or for yourself, may not be a total waste of money considering your priority now is to salvage a very practical aspect of the marriage, but it will seriously continue to erode on your overall wellbeing that it is also, perhaps irredeemably bereft of love and trust.

 

I am reminded of a similar situation in which only after exchanging information on the husbands suspicious behavior and disappearing money, did both his parents and the spouse realize to just what extent they'd both been duped and blatantly exploited for years to their grave detriment which, all those years, he watched them endure all the time, chilled like a grape.

If possible, I would inquire about the debt and payments with her parents.

 

I feel like if I prod into it it may come off accusatory, which isn't the intent, but it is a thought that comes up..if you've ever pressured her in any way to not work, or if there's been infidelity or other serious breach of trust on your part, then I would with almost complete certainty interpret her behavior as both "punishment" and a way of taking back the "financial equivalent" of whatever she feels you've deprived her of. Not justifying the behavior by any means, simply pointing out that people have an internal justification for obvious wrongdoing. Most don't go about dirty buisness thinking awright let's be a mean #unt. There's resentment, justified or not, that's the incentive to "level the field". If there's anything to it, it might be useful to you knowing whether something set her off or whether she's just always been like this. There's a difference between marrying someone you didn't know was like this, and having married someone who at some point was convinced the love was a "trick/scam" and allowed it to be further reduced to a tug of war. In that one isn't salvageable and the other...*might* be.

[kathy679]

You should caluclate the money and give her only what it costs to look after the child and for her to feed herself and live basically. Anything else she wants extra like paying debt or that new pair of shoes shes had her eye on you should tell her she should go get a part time job and start pulling her weight.

[Wiseman2]

Isn't all income and all assets joint property in your country when married? If so, then it's not your money vs her money. Why act like she's a random gf when you are a family unit legally and financially with children to raise and feed and house? Why doesn't she have credit cards to use for emergencies? The two of you need marriage counselling and legal and financial info and help with appropriate budgeting from an accountant and financial planner.

I don't know why she got so angry I didn't transfer it over immediately.

[RainyCoast]

But there's a joint account she has access to...? It's not an issue she is spending the money per se, as that's why it's in the joint account in the first place, plus she basically gets pocket money on top of that by the sound of things. The problem is she lies about where a large chunk of it is going, and gets upset about a delayed transfer NOT because it leaves her with nothing for expenses ("there's still plenty in the joint account") so clearly she is getting upset that the money can't be siphoned somewhere he doesn't know it's going, apparently also on the date it routinely does without his knowledge, or why else would a day's delay be worth shouting and accusing him.

 

It just reeks of something else behind it though.

[Chai]

I just wanted to add that I think it is overly negative to assume that talking to a marriage counsellor will just lead to your wife apologising and saying she will change and then everything will go back to how it was. I think that may be a rather naive assessment of what therapy can achieve, particularly if you find a really skilled psychologist or relationships counsellor.

 

The whole idea of therapy is that you will both grow as people and in your relationship. Although I think it is true that you can't change people on the whole, therapy can do a lot to precipitate breakthroughs and produce significant personal development. It really is a great investment in both yourself and your relationship, if you can find a therapist you can connect with, who is skilled, and you feel comfortable with.

[Annia]

If you can't or don't want to leave her after her betrayal and lying at least make it impossible to use more money than the necessary to be a stay at home mum (If that's the plan). If she wants more she needs to pull her weight by working part time.

 

And be very careful... I'm not saying this is the case but I had a boyfriend many years ago that pretended he was in college and lied to his parents, me and my parents to get money to pay his "college" expenses and it was all a lie... He was basically not working and living of the lies he told his parents and everyone else. And when he was caught he also never apologized and felt he was entitled to it... no remourse.

 

Be careful not to be played. The future of your child is also at stake with her fraudulent ways.

[yatsue]

If she wants to act like a child, then treat her like one. Govern all your money. Stop the joint account, except for bare minimum emergency funds if she is taking care of the children. Do not give her any money. Only buy food and essentials for your family.

 

This has to stop. You shouldn't enable bad behavior. If she wants money for herself or towards her debts, then she needs to make it herself from now on. She has lost all privileges with her poor behavior.

[Seraphim]

The thing is a stay at home mom is not a “ prisoner “ . And only giving someone basic subsistence is financial abuse the other way.

 

Or you can pay $1500-$2000 a month for daycare for her to work.

[Wiseman2]

Exactly. It is a bizarre view that she is "stealing" from her own money. Unless they do not consider themselves legally married. It's also bizarre that she has to ask and beg for joint money for household, kids, etc.. Is she a mail-order bride?

 

She needs to consult an attorney because apparently she is putting up with this crazy "allowance" idea and "forgetting" to deposit money, when direct deposits, etc are readily available. Sadly the wife doesn't realize "I Do" is a legally binding contract that creates a family unit with shared resources. It's not "his money" and she is not "stealing it".

 

The wife sounds like a decent person who may be going without from this allowance to try to repay her parents. Not sure why that is considered a crime or an activity she must make a financial report about, unless every penny she spends must be accounted for. Which sounds like the case here. It's not as if she is running up tens of thousands in debt behind his back on a pointless spending addiction..

The thing is a stay at home mom is not a “ prisoner “ . And only giving someone basic subsistence is financial abuse the other way.

[thornz]

I would advise against restricting finances to your wife until you have consulted a lawyer. As a married couple you are obligated to support each other financially and if your agreement was that she stay at home whilst you provide then the onus is on you to provide an equal quality of life for her. Withholding funds is financial abuse and may reflect very poorly in a divorce or custody hearing.

 

If you wish to stay with her I think you should sit down and discuss your finances together so that you are not over funding her poor spending habits. You might also tell her that her debt can be paid back by herself with her own earnings.

[itsallgrand]

The thing is a stay at home mom is not a “ prisoner “ . And only giving someone basic subsistence is financial abuse the other way.

 

Or you can pay $1500-$2000 a month for daycare for her to work.

 

Both my parents worked with two small children. They managed schedules, and sometimes we stayed with babysitters for a night, but it's not ridiculous for both parents to work ( even if one isn't full time). We had family time all together too. I'm grateful I got to see BOTH parents on the regular.

 

Now if it's important to someone to be a stay at home parent for a time, they can put money aside prior so they are contributing some income to the family. That's reasonable .

 

There's no reason OPs wife can't be working to contribute. Obviously her being at home with zero income isn't working.

 

I've crunched numbers on child care costs. People often exaggerate them. It's location dependent but both parents don't need to work the same shifts and go through a licensed daycare . There are alternatives to 2 grand a month.

 

OPs wife hid debts. She did not complete her schooling. Now he's on the hook for providing for her because they got married. That's quite gross. She's an adult, not a little kid . I'll never understand those who feel entitled to a spouses pay for things that as grown ups, it's on us to be responsible for. I'll never understand how having a child means- hey, now someone else has to pay to raise them and me.

 

I'd get a financial advisor. A lawyer. Otherwise you'll pay those debts, her and the child's way, her schooling in the future ( but I can't get a good job!, I've been raising our kid!).

[Seraphim]

Both my parents worked with two small children. They managed schedules, and sometimes we stayed with babysitters for a night, but it's not ridiculous for both parents to work ( even if one isn't full time). We had family time all together too. I'm grateful I got to see BOTH parents on the regular.

 

Now if it's important to someone to be a stay at home parent for a time, they can put money aside prior so they are contributing some income to the family. That's reasonable .

 

There's no reason OPs wife can't be working to contribute. Obviously her being at home with zero income isn't working.

 

I've crunched numbers on child care costs. People often exaggerate them. It's location dependent but both parents don't need to work the same shifts and go through a licensed daycare . There are alternatives to 2 grand a month.

 

OPs wife hid debts. She did not complete her schooling. Now he's on the hook for providing for her because they got married. That's quite gross. She's an adult, not a little kid . I'll never understand those who feel entitled to a spouses pay for things that as grown ups, it's on us to be responsible for. I'll never understand how having a child means- hey, now someone else has to pay to raise them and me.

 

I'd get a financial advisor. A lawyer. Otherwise you'll pay those debts, her and the child's way, her schooling in the future ( but I can't get a good job!, I've been raising our kid!).

I am not saying it is. My mom worked every day of my childhood since I was little baby . And I have worked almost every single day of my child’s life .

 

The thing is if he had agreed or THEY agreed for her to be a stay at home mom she should not be a financial hostage.

 

The daycare I work in is $70 a day for an infant under 18 months.

[Kmart23]

Exactly. It is a bizarre view that she is "stealing" from her own money. Unless they do not consider themselves legally married. It's also bizarre that she has to ask and beg for joint money for household, kids, etc.. Is she a mail-order bride?

 

She needs to consult an attorney because apparently she is putting up with this crazy "allowance" idea and "forgetting" to deposit money, when direct deposits, etc are readily available. Sadly the wife doesn't realize "I Do" is a legally binding contract that creates a family unit with shared resources. It's not "his money" and she is not "stealing it".

 

Is this bait? Shouldn't she have informed me of this debt prior to us getting married? She decided to keep it a secret for several reasons I suppose, but at the top of the list is likely 'I didn't want to tell you I took $40k from my parents to get half a degree, $40k which I now I plan on repaying them out of money you supply me from your wages.'

 

I mean I'm not greedy with money. She lives much better than she did before we met. She is constantly throwing out food she cooked for one reason or another. When she gave birth to our son, I flew her mother over, and gave her mother $1k spending money for the week she was here.

 

I just feel like I am her money hole these days. I love our son to death and I love to see how well he is treated by his mom, which makes me feel really blessed. I am unwilling however to inherit a $40k debt that I was unaware about at the time we gave our vows. It feels like entrapment, truly.

[Seraphim]

Is this bait? Shouldn't she have informed me of this debt prior to us getting married? She decided to keep it a secret for several reasons I suppose, but at the top of the list is likely 'I didn't want to tell you I took $40k from my parents to get half a degree, $40k which I now I plan on repaying them out of money you supply me from your wages.'

 

I mean I'm not greedy with money. She lives much better than she did before we met. She is constantly throwing out food she cooked for one reason or another. When she gave birth to our son, I flew her mother over, and gave her mother $1k spending money for the week she was here.

 

I just feel like I am her money hole these days. I love our son to death and I love to see how well he is treated by his mom, which makes me feel really blessed. I am unwilling however to inherit a $40k debt that I was unaware about at the time we gave our vows. It feels like entrapment, truly.

I will agree not telling you about that debt is not right. However, was it made clear you wanted her to work despite being a mom?

[Chris12189]

money is just money.....she should of told you about the debt I agree but its not something I would throw away an otherwise good marriage for. Talk to her how you feel and go from there

[Kmart23]

I will agree not telling you about that debt is not right. However, was it made clear you wanted her to work despite being a mom?

 

I never asked her to, but she had said it was her plan. There are three application forms on the table to various Childcare facilities within close proximity. The closest of which being 4 minutes away. She still is undecided and hasn't filled out a single word in any. I want her to work so that we can continue saving for a house. Currently I have stopped saving for the house deposit after she crashed our car.

She knows I want her to start working but she is happy staying at home with our son and going out with her friends with babies of a similar age to our son. It's impossible for me to tell her to stop this lifestyle of hers to bring in a bit more cash.

[Seraphim]

I never asked her to, but she had said it was her plan. There are three application forms on the table to various Childcare facilities within close proximity. The closest of which being 4 minutes away. She still is undecided and hasn't filled out a single word in any. I want her to work so that we can continue saving for a house. Currently I have stopped saving for the house deposit after she crashed our car.

She knows I want her to start working but she is happy staying at home with our son and going out with her friends with babies of a similar age to our son. It's impossible for me to tell her to stop this lifestyle of hers to bring in a bit more cash.

 

Then maybe it is time for marriage counseling.

[Seraphim]

I will say however she is not your child but your wife. The mother of your child. So please don’t use financial consequences on her .

And if you both work both should pay childcare costs.

 

I will say though everything in my marriage is OURS.

[Kmart23]

I will say however she is not your child but your wife. The mother of your child. So please don’t use financial consequences on her .

And if you both work both should pay childcare costs.

 

I will say though everything in my marriage is OURS.

 

Then why do you describe it as only your marriage?

lol, I know what you mean.