His friend and the cat conundrum

[clarissa1994]

Oh I do know that. I am not dense and I am no snowflake either I can handle someones opinion except when, obviously like I did with yours, I misinterpret what someone says and believe it to be a less than polite response. Which is something else everyone will have done. And I understand that people from a variety of different cultures will have different opinions and advice. Also taking into account cultural differences I am not so stupid as to believe that every will respond in one particular manner as we, although all living on one planet, are all very different while being so similar at the exact same time.

[Seraphim]

See, you’re being defensive. No one said anything about stupid.

[clarissa1994]

Although you see I'm not being defensive. It's just the way you are reading it :) You're quite fun to talk to actually :)

[Batya33]

You’ve insisted that you are deeply in love and with your soulmate and it’s a done deal except that you’re not sure about having a child with him. But given your insistence at how he is the one for you then surely every other problem with cats and his friend etc is really trivial and mostly a non issue right? Or something that will be a blip on the radar in a day or so or sooner? So big deal you’ll have a cat you’re not that into and a houseguest who doesn’t appreciate the toys you buy him (oh wait that was the cat sorry)but as you wrote he is your soulmate and you are madly in love with him. Sounds pretty darn good to me. What about you? Maybe time to count your blessings ? Nothing is purrfect right?

[abitbroken]

Also I have asked for advice not to be bashed. I mean for those of you saying i shouldn't pick the cat up like that she only got picked up like that because had I picked her up any other way i would have been pretty much touching his penis though his pants and I kno

 

You don't get it. The point is that you should have just left the cat in his lap. So what if the man is not doing "what he is being told" = you are not his mother.

 

Oh I do know that. I am not dense and I am no snowflake either I can handle someones opinion except when, obviously like I did with yours, I misinterpret what someone says and believe it to be a less than polite response. Which is something else everyone will have done. And I understand that people from a variety of different cultures will have different opinions and advice. Also taking into account cultural differences I am not so stupid as to believe that every will respond in one particular manner as we, although all living on one planet, are all very different while being so similar at the exact same time.

 

If you are British - there isn't a "cultural difference" from post of the American posters when it comes to the subject of boundaries.

 

Bottom line: If you don't like the fact that this man is constantly at your boyfirend's elbow, you set boundaries. You tell your boyfriend while this guy is at his house, you will not be having sex with him nor spending the night. Simple. And its up to your boyfriend to decide if he wants sex or if he wants this guy over constantly. He gets to choose. Either way, you don't have to listen to him stopping outside the door. you will be home at your place alone enjoying a restful evening

[clarissa1994]

so you are basically saying that I should just let him use that excuse to get out of doing things? But the thing is if it is not that excuse it is another. It reminds me alot of my mother and that is going to be something i point out to him because he knows where is stand with my biological mother and for many reasons we are not on speaking terms and never will be, so I hope by telling him about how is behaviour reminds me of her he might grow up a little bit.

 

And there are cultural difference between the UK and US. Yes we may be very similar countries with the US's roots coming from Great Britain but at the same time over centuries we have thrived and developed in different ways. i mean just look at how an American will hold religion in comparison to an English person. Then there are other things just as simple as what we eat and drink and what we call things. it may only be small but we are still different cultures even if we began with the same roots.

 

But that to me would feel like I am giving him an ultimatum of ' it is me or him' and I don't want to completely push the man out of his life because I respect what he has done for my boyfriend in the past and the fact they are best friends. But i also feel like I can't stand by and just let all this happen. Reflecting upon the whole situation, the one thing that annoys me the most is how he speaks to not only me but also my boyfriend. He holds his intellect in very high regard...the best way to describe him is like Sheldon out of the big bang theory although no way never as clever and more childish. He has also said to the man that he needs to spend less time at his flat but like I said in a previous post it is very much a case of in one ear then out of the other.

[Batya33]

" It reminds me alot of my mother and that is going to be something i point out to him because he knows where is stand with my biological mother and for many reasons we are not on speaking terms and never will be, so I hope by telling him about how is behaviour reminds me of her he might grow up a little bit."

 

I don't think that would motivate him, but it might sound like you're lecturing him/trying to be his mother. Or he might start to walk on eggshells wondering if what he is saying or doing reminds you of your mother or someone else you didn't get along with/didn't care for. Eggshells does not equal "soulmate". You can tell him how how his behavior makes you feel with I statements -and leave your mother out of it. The goal is not to get him to "grow up a bit" but simply to share how you are feeling without criticizing his behavior or somehow convincing him to change.

[clarissa1994]

Well I do want a child with him. As of late I have actually been insatiably broody but I just feel like with his friend around so much that it would be impossible.

 

The cat I can deal with in the long run because I am sure once I am not only there for 3/4 days then gone for 3/4 days and am there more consistently she will probably change back to how she was around Christmas when I was around constantly due to lack of work. I think it may be the fact I keep, as she would see it, 'running away/leaving her' she will revert back to how she was with me prior to January when I had to return to work thus stayed at my house a lot more.

 

And yes and no. Some of them are trivial but others are more of something i would rather get sorted out sooner rather than later. I mean after all I don't mind if he came round and stayed with us a few nights when me and my boyfriend are living together but i wouldn't want him to be constantly there. Especially because i feel he takes advantage of him being at my partners place currently as as i have said, he is lazy. I have jokingly said to my boyfriend the other day that god forbid they have a falling out because his friend would starve to death and he chuckled but said that he wouldn't because he would just go back to staying at his mums. He refuses to cook for himself and I have heard him pester, and I mean what I can only describe as woodpeckering at my boyfriend because he was hungry and wanted food to the point where my boyfriend has ended up shouting at him because he had already told him there was food in the fridge and to leave him alone because he was busy and stressed trying to sort out his council tax that his former housemate screwed up by well...not doing as he was supposed to and getting all of his side of the paper work in to the council on time. And before anyone suggests that maybe he can't cook? He can, he has said to me himself when i questioned him as to if he could cook and he said quote 'I can cook quite well but why should I cook when someone else will make my food for me'. After that I was left feeling as if he was just basically after more of a slave than a carer which he keeps saying he wants my boyfriend to be for him.

 

I count my blessing every day I wake up knowing that I have them and count them doubly so when i wake up beside him. And he is my soulmate, I just know. I thought i met my soulmate once before but the second i met my boyfriend I knew that what ever i felt for the other guy who broke my heart would pale in comparison. we spoke for a month then got together, we where together for 3 months and I asked him to marry me to which he pulled out a ring and said I was going to ask you on Christmas day. The only reason aren't married now is because of money.

 

Still though I don't think his friend is that trivial an issue especially if in the future my partner does end up his carer and he ends up living with us. But you are right nothing is puurrrfect :)

[clarissa1994]

See that is the last thing i want to do because criticising him him directly and softly doesn't work I have tried that before when he asked for my truthful opinion and I am not in the habit of lying so I can't say oh no it is fine. But he responded well and said he would endeavour to try and change and Ill be fair to him he does...for a couple of hours - max a day. But I know when I have said bits about little things he does reminding me of my mother before he pretty much stops that thing all together which I appreciate immensely and do thank him and praise him for because as sarcastic and demeaning that may sound to do to a 49 year old, he responds well to praise. Its is like his reward if he was a B.F.Skinner experiment of operant conditioning. Praise as with everyone positively reinforces what he did only he learns a hell of a lot quicker than some. which is why I think that saying that one or two things are similar and remind me of her would work because it has in the past. Albeit I am not going to rhyming off a list of everything because no one is perfect but trying to encourage him to kick one or two of the more grating things is more of a possible thing. However there are some things like his hypocrisy, laziness and pedantic-ness that i believe i will just have to live with because that is just part of who he is.

[Batya33]

You're not married because you two choose not to be married. You don't need money to get married - you might need money if you want a big reception -or even a medium one -to celebrate the marriage but of course you can do that in the future -if you really wanted to be married to each other you would be or you would be out getting all the necessary paperwork/officiant or going to city hall or the equivalent. First, I'd own that -you are not married because one or both of you does not want to be married to each other right now. Exploring the real reasons why (i.e. not "money") likely will relate to at least some of the complaints you've put in your posts and will give you more guidance as to how to proceed.

I think you got great advice above as to what to do about the friend. I would follow that advice and the similar advice you got. Nothing more to add.

 

I am perplexed at your reaction to the cat. I would understand if the cat was ruining the house/destroying property or injuring you - I would "deal" with the cat by accepting that she is a cat. A normal cat. You may not like cats or like this cat and that's ok. Just treat her with respect and meet her needs -I am perplexed as to your expectations of this cat as a former cat owner of many years.

[clarissa1994]

As I said I had cats in my childhood and to be honest i don't understand it either but that is one of those things. Like I said the cat probably has an issue with me because I was there for the whole of December there everyday and night then all of a sudden i wasn't there as much only about 3 days and nights a week so she may see it as I am leaving her just as her female owner did.

 

As for the marriage aspect no we are not married purely because of money. It still costs more than we have put together at the moment to even register ourselves as married otherwise we would be. I don't care for a fancy wedding I wouldn't care if we didn't have one at all and only registered it in the registery office because to me it is simply about being his. He already calls me his wife and I call him my husband. The whole marriage thing isn't an issue at all. it would cost us about £200 just to get married in a registary office. It was more a statement of our happiness than stating an issue.

[Batya33]

Oh ok - so what I would do is budget better to save the money to get the marriage license if you truly want to marry this person. He can call you his wife all he likes and you can call him husband and play "married". But you're not married and you say you want to be married to him. It's cute and all to refer to him that way. And it has nothing to do with making a marital commitment. It's fine if you are making choices to put off getting married and fine if you don't feel you need to be legally married - your choice - but it's a choice not to be married. I hear you about saving $. Personally 200 doesn't sound like a lot but that's just me.

 

I would avoid the excuse of "it's one of those things" with the cat given your focus and intensity about this cat. I think you owe it to yourself and your relationship to resolve it and not dismiss it in that manner.

[abitbroken]

so you are basically saying that I should just let him use that excuse to get out of doing things? But the thing is if it is not that excuse it is another. It reminds me alot of my mother and that is going to be something i point out to him because he knows where is stand with my biological mother and for many reasons we are not on speaking terms and never will be, so I hope by telling him about how is behaviour reminds me of her he might grow up a little bit.

 

And there are cultural difference between the UK and US. Yes we may be very similar countries with the US's roots coming from Great Britain but at the same time over centuries we have thrived and developed in different ways. i mean just look at how an American will hold religion in comparison to an English person. Then there are other things just as simple as what we eat and drink and what we call things. it may only be small but we are still different cultures even if we began with the same roots.

 

But that to me would feel like I am giving him an ultimatum of ' it is me or him' and I don't want to completely push the man out of his life because I respect what he has done for my boyfriend in the past and the fact they are best friends. But i also feel like I can't stand by and just let all this happen. Reflecting upon the whole situation, the one thing that annoys me the most is how he speaks to not only me but also my boyfriend. He holds his intellect in very high regard...the best way to describe him is like Sheldon out of the big bang theory although no way never as clever and more childish. He has also said to the man that he needs to spend less time at his flat but like I said in a previous post it is very much a case of in one ear then out of the other.

 

you are not his mother and he doesn't owe you any explanation on why he does something or doesn't do anything. you should not be ordering him around, you should not be giving him chores. If he is there sitting like a bump on the sofa, its not up to you to tell him what to do. You set a boundary. if you are fed up with the guy, then you suggest to the boyfriend that you meet out for a one on one date - just the two of you - without the friend. You tell the boyfriend that sex only comes when the guy is not there. You DO have a place where you live where you can have your boyfriend meet you there or spend time with you as well, I assume. you set the terms for when you will see your boyfriend. If that means you will only see him when the friend is not included -- your boyfriend will either barely see you or break up with you or he will decide you are important and after a short adjustment period -- will rise to the occasion and do things with you that DO NOT include his friend.

 

AT THE SAME TIME -- what you must find out is if your boyfriend intends to be his carer. If so, you have decisions to make. Do you want to marry him knowing that life will always be the THREE of you? Its the same question someone must face if their beloved has kids from a prior relationship - if they don't want to live with someone who is a custodial parent - or the kids are destructive/out of control -- and you are not up for that, you find someone else. Its like if someone lived with their disabled mother -- and you weren't up for living with her.

 

If you speak up and you say "what are your intentions. you know if you become his carer, that means if we marry, its the three of us, not the two of us... i don't know if i can sign up for that." He may say "tough, its the three of us" or "you know, i don't feel i can just leave him -- maybe i can transition him to living at his group home permanently and find a relative of his to share the duties because i want only two people in the marriage...

 

And then YOU decide from there if you wan to continue

[abitbroken]

I have jokingly said to my boyfriend the other day that god forbid they have a falling out because his friend would starve to death and he chuckled but said that he wouldn't because he would just go back to staying at his mums.

 

Then you don't marry your boyfriend until he packs his friend up and sends him back to his mum. Not after the wedding. But before and long enough to prove it. Coming over for a visit -- not spending the night - somedays is fine, but if he sleeps over you won't be able to get rid of him.

[Wiseman2]

Three is a crowd. So is 4 when you hate cats. Why is he so attached to this friend? You can't sever him from his pets and friends however you can take note about who your bf really is.

[clarissa1994]

Thank you everyone for their input and advice but the situation is now resolved. It was difficult and I had to be shoved through a barrier while at a convention and then have it pointed out by a famous voice actor how I was being treated from what he had observed( phil lamarr said in hermes conrad voice that oh no we all know the deal these this one does all the talking and you just get pushed to the back to stand there and look pretty haha) but it is sorted out now. He is still around constantly and the rest will take time but at least for now some of my bigger issues have been addressed i.e the constant talking over, being pushed out of the way for his own wants, being ignored etc. My friend stayed with us and said that it is as if he thinks that he is my boyfriend partner not me which made me chuckle a little because she saw more about what I had been dealing with although we did have him on best behaviour because I didn't want my best friend going away thinking he was completely weird or nuts because I know how much other peoples opinions matter to him and nor did I want my best friend to feel uncomfortable.

 

we have started taking turns of piece essentially one week/ two at his then same at mine. This week we are at mine because I am looking after mine and my step dads dogs one of which is not well at all and we thought might have been dying for the past few days.

 

On a side note about my adopted fathers dog, Sid. He had his Leptospirosis injection (the injection to protect against weils disease) and since he has been off to the point on Sunday we thought he might die. I have read it has a lot of side effects one of which is death but Sunday was his worse day and he seemed to be getting better because the one he had essentially gives them the disease so the antibodies can do their job. But his eyes keep sinking in and it's almost as if he can not keep them open. He is blind in one eye and when he gets bad like that he closes his blind eye and wont open it. Needless to say we are both really worried about him because he is only 11 years old and is well fed, walked and loved. We know he is playing on it a little bit because he gets loads of attention when it happens and i didn't even notice it had happened at first but the second I did he started moping around. I cuddled him and fed him treats until he seemed normal again but was just wondering in case any of you guys had any ideas...we are taking him to the vets anyway because we want to be sure the he is okay just if any one has any ideas how bad it is...we assume it is bad because ussualy when an animal is going to die its eyes will go sunken and well...behave how he did on Sunday which was...well ill just say we where certain when we all went to bed (me, my adopted dad his girlfriend and her son... and the other dogs) we thought we would wake up to a dead dog which is never good and no of us really slept...except for the dogs that is ! but still...any information some could provide would be great x

[abitbroken]

He is still around constantly and the rest will take time but at least for now some of my bigger issues have been addressed i.e the constant talking over, being pushed out of the way for his own wants, being ignored etc

 

Well...so the biggest issues is still there......... the guy is still around 24/7. you did not talk about his intentions as his "carer" did you, either?

[clarissa1994]

I have a little bit but I alsodidn't want to push my luck. As far as I can figure out he doesn't seem overly sold on the idea of being his carer from what he said to me but I also know how insistent his friend can be at time, especially regarding certain subjects and although this one doesn't come up often, when it does he is very insistent. He has been talking about it before I came into the picture which at this point is now over 2 years ago and nothing has been done and I think it is through apprehension on my fiances half.

 

It is difficult to try and discuss these issues when the subject is the person sat just in the other room and when he chooses to has the hearing of a moth (which has just been named as having the best hearing in the world apparently). I want it to be a private discussion because the last thing I want is for him to over hear something and get upset or p!ssed off because that happens very easily. Like the other day he told my partner to f off in the street because he was asking him the same question while my bf was on the phone to myself because there was an issue and i was stuck in salford central when i needed to be at the next station along for the train but it took me an hour to go one stop because a train had turned over and i didnt have internet so he was looking up train times for me and because he was focused on helping me instead of answering the question he had answered 4 times previously (which was where are we going? the answer to which we are going to get clarissa from the train staition) he told him to f off then walked off because he didn't answer immediatly.

[Batya33]

Is it possible there is a romantic connection here - is the friend straight ? Has your boyfriend ever experimented with men? Here’s my read on what you have written which is all I have to go on if corise. You’re elevating the abstract “soulmate” notion over gritty reality because it’s easier to proclaim that he’s your soulmate and you two are “like married” and to get far more detailed about a cats personality and social interactions with you because that is easier than straightforward communication with your “soulmate” about a person who lives with you and does not support your relationship. Who creates tension. And he’s not a family member. It’s easier to focus on your dog - yes it’s awful that he is sick and I’m sorry but in my humble opinion you’re using your pets - or your fur babies if that’s a more appropriate description- to rationalize not facing the real issues in your relationship.

Also his being there makes it easier for you to avoid the “private discussion “. If he’s your soulmate then finding the time for a private discussion should be a mutual priority - no?

[abitbroken]

I have a little bit but I alsodidn't want to push my luck. As far as I can figure out he doesn't seem overly sold on the idea of being his carer from what he said to me but I also know how insistent his friend can be at time, especially regarding certain subjects and although this one doesn't come up often, when it does he is very insistent. He has been talking about it before I came into the picture which at this point is now over 2 years ago and nothing has been done and I think it is through apprehension on my fiances half.

 

It is difficult to try and discuss these issues when the subject is the person sat just in the other room and when he chooses to has the hearing of a moth (which has just been named as having the best hearing in the world apparently). I want it to be a private discussion because the last thing I want is for him to over hear something and get upset or p!ssed off because that happens very easily. Like the other day he told my partner to f off in the street because he was asking him the same question while my bf was on the phone to myself because there was an issue and i was stuck in salford central when i needed to be at the next station along for the train but it took me an hour to go one stop because a train had turned over and i didnt have internet so he was looking up train times for me and because he was focused on helping me instead of answering the question he had answered 4 times previously (which was where are we going? the answer to which we are going to get clarissa from the train staition) he told him to f off then walked off because he didn't answer immediatly.

 

You say you don't want to push -- this is your life you are talking about if you marry this man. You need to know the facts and the truth of his intentions. He has shown no intentions on limiting his interactions with this guy. You need to draw a line --- its great that he will do a week at your place, a week at his place or whatever but not enough time has gone by to see if that will stick. I do think you need to have nights when you are apart vs living together and eachother's places all the time -- you need to see your friends and such and have a support network that is separate of him.

 

you need to tell him how you feel about this guy and if you were to marry him one day -- this friend would not live with you two nor would be always around. If that doesn't put a fire under his feet, i don't know what will. you will not be marrying TWO men. Because that's what it would be in this case.

 

It is NOT FAIR for every conversation to be over heard by him

[boltnrun]

Can't you talk to him while he's staying at your place? Please don't tell us the friend comes with him to your home!

[clarissa1994]

"Also I have worked with children with a multitude of different issues e.g. Dwarfism, Autism, Aspergers, ADD, Down syndrome etc and have a fair knowledge with not only experiance but also with my 3 years i had studying psychology to say I am 100% sure that he has ADD also because of how he reacts to simple things."

 

So? Still doesn't give you any basis to diagnose any individual with any mental disability - that's for trained professionals who do a professional evaluation of that individual.

 

As far as your cat - you chose to buy her toys and she chose not to play with them after awhile. She didn't ask for toys in the first place so I'm not sure what your issue is. Yes, leave the cat alone other than meeting her needs if you are the caretaker at a particular time.

 

I would look within yourself and ask how you are benefiting from this situation in general -do you prefer it to being on your own? Are you concerned about being on your own?

 

Can't you talk to him while he's staying at your place? Please don't tell us the friend comes with him to your home!

 

he doesnt come here with him. he has once because i allowed it but it was supposed to be for a day and he ended up staying for 3. and let me tell you never again haha

[boltnrun]

he doesnt come here with him. he has once because i allowed it but it was supposed to be for a day and he ended up staying for 3. and let me tell you never again haha

 

So why can't you talk to your boyfriend about this issue at your place?

[clarissa1994]

The friend is straight no my boyfriend hasn't experimented with men...these things i know. And I am focusing on our family pet solely because he has been with us for 11 years and I love him. I am worried about him. Don't try and psycho analyse me, because it isn't a notion and nor am I trying to deflect and ignore what is happening by focusing on an ill pet who right now can barely open his eyes and is wheezing. I am also not in denial or anything of the sort.

 

We are making time for a private discussion hence he is coming to my home, which had already been prearranged as my father is at a wedding and we don't have the money to have someone look after the dogs.

 

It is easy for you to say oh that doesn't seem hard to save up 200 pounds and yeah, if there was a site going I was on, I could earn double that in a day but unfortunately I am out of work. It is hard being a female carpenter/joiner because you are always underestimated and there for always picked last for the team. I am not going to dive into my financial situation further than that because it is long, boring and no one's business (not that anyone asked for it).

 

Like I said the situation has come to pass and yes while there are still issues, we are going to discuss them. We actually communicate on a mature, rational and intellectual level just sometime there are certain topics that are difficult to bring up because I don't want to cause offence to anyone. His being there only makes private discussions difficult and makes me uncomfortable bringing up certain subject to pertain to his self because he is nosy and when he wants to hear what you are saying he has very keen hearing but when it is something he doesn't want to know he acts as if he hasn't heard you. It's called selective hearing and he is very good at it and will frequently butt into a private conversation intentionally held, what we believed to be out of his ear shot and yet he proves us other wise by interjecting with his own opinion on a more... between a couple conversations, which my fiance has expressed his unhappiness at his eaves dropping upon our conversations because most of the time he doesn't have a full idea about what is being discussed.

 

I think when the man finds a girlfriend of his own then things will drastically change because not only will he be happier but he also wont be around as much.

 

I think you, in my humble opinion, that you are trying to read into something that simply isn't there although given you don't fully know all the circumstances it's not hard to read there as being something more when you don't know the finer details or even know someone personally. Dropping the fact that he is my soul mate because it is something I just know to be true, and dropping you thinking that me mentioning my dog is a way to deflect the attention onto a different situation and away from one you believe i would just rather disregard now and ignore, you have said some realistically good points but most of those i have already previously given an answer too. One thing i forgot to mention is that he has also discussed it with his friend and as much as he ( the friend) likes seeing me has said we do need space because it is always three of us and we don't really get much of a chance for it to just be the two of us and do couple-ley things together like just cuddle up on the couch and watch a films.

 

A lot more has happened than I have previously mentioned because it has been an ongoing discussion with my fiance over the phone when he has has time away and I haven't been on loudspeaker. Like i said there are still some big issues but some of my larger issues have been resolved for one reason or another.

[clarissa1994]

That's what I intend to do...I have been discussing things with him over the phone when he has been out and about and such but I don't want to do everything on the phone because when you can't see someones face things can be taken out of context justlike when you type a message - because you can't see their eyes and expressions we only have tone of voice to go on and sometimes that can not be reliable at all as, for example, I think it is far easier for someone to lie to you over the phone than it is face to face.