Would you believe the story?

[Tkitt]

This is not about me. It’s about a friend of mine who got mad at me today because of what I told him.

 

My friend and his girlfriend of 10 years broke up a couple of months ago. He’s still in love with her and texted her a couple of weeks ago. Now, they are working on getting back together, but he’s not sure yet.

 

When she left, she told him she thought their life had become routine. Some background is that she does not have any friends and very little. They did the same things and hung out with the same people. She swears there was no other guy.

 

I broke down today and told him that I do think there was another guy. He asked why. I said because it doesn’t make sense that even if she thought their life was routine and boring, if she was still in love with him, why would she leave to sit at home and do nothing? Hanging out with her love and his friends and family would be better than being alone.

 

Now she is desperate to hang out with him, his friends and family. She is asking to come to his house or go places with him and his friends. So, their life was routine and now she wants to do the same things and hang with the same people they were before? It doesn’t make sense. I think she misses him because she is bored. I think there was another guy and that didn’t work out and now she wants to come back to their routine life.

 

He’s mad at me now and it’s depressing me because he’s my best friend. He said I was just speaking my truth, but said he’s upset because I don’t know everything about their life. I told him I do not, but I don’t want him to be fooled. He’s already told me he thinks she’s going to eventually leave again, but he’s willing to risk that because he loves her.

 

I plan on talking to him tomorrow, but is what I’m thinking way out of line? He’s a great guy and I don’t want him hurt again and I have a feeling she will hurt him again. His mother is even telling him to move on.

 

Thanks

[SGH]

You gave your two cents, and that's really all you can do. He is your friend, and I know you don't want to see him make mistakes, but he has to decide what he wants on his own. I would be weary of making accusations without proof, as well. She may have been drawn to someone else for a period of time, but it doesn't sound like there's any hard evidence.

 

I'm not accusing you, but are there any other motivations present for trying to prevent him returning to his ex-girlfriend? If you have feelings of him, you are wading into very dangerous territory. Make sure you really have the best intentions at heart as you go forward. You do not want to be the rebound off a 10 year relationship if you do have romantic feelings for him. Even if the two of you are purely platonic, you are definitely risking putting a rift in your friendship by pushing him to not take her back. Just be careful.

[Hollyj]

You should have kept your comments to yourself. It served no purpose. I think that you had your own reasons for this.

 

Why hasn't he married her after 10 years? She is probably fed up with waiting around.

 

Keep your mouth closed. Your contribution was inappropriate/hurtful without any clear evidence.

[maew]

This is not about me. It’s about a friend of mine who got mad at me today because of what I told him.

 

When she left, she told him she thought their life had become routine. Some background is that she does not have any friends and very little. They did the same things and hung out with the same people. She swears there was no other guy.

 

I broke down today and told him that I do think there was another guy. He asked why. I said because it doesn’t make sense that even if she thought their life was routine and boring, if she was still in love with him, why would she leave to sit at home and do nothing? Hanging out with her love and his friends and family would be better than being alone.

 

Why would you say this to him without any evidence to back it up? I mean you have to know that this would cause him pain and hurt... and for no good reason except that you seem to want to ensure that he never gets back together with this girl. So now, if he does, he knows you said this and it will cause a rift in your friendship.

 

Now she is desperate to hang out with him, his friends and family. She is asking to come to his house or go places with him and his friends. So, their life was routine and now she wants to do the same things and hang with the same people they were before? It doesn’t make sense. I think she misses him because she is bored. I think there was another guy and that didn’t work out and now she wants to come back to their routine life.

 

What doesn't make sense is why you are making assumptions about this girl and filling your friend's head with stories that may or may not be true about this girl. Do you have a thing for this guy?

 

He’s mad at me now and it’s depressing me because he’s my best friend. He said I was just speaking my truth, but said he’s upset because I don’t know everything about their life. I told him I do not, but I don’t want him to be fooled. He’s already told me he thinks she’s going to eventually leave again, but he’s willing to risk that because he loves her.

 

I plan on talking to him tomorrow, but is what I’m thinking way out of line? He’s a great guy and I don’t want him hurt again and I have a feeling she will hurt him again. His mother is even telling him to move on.

 

Thanks

 

Give him his space and let him process. If he decides he agrees with you then the risk you took was worth it... otherwise you may have a situation on your hands where both your friend and his GF decide to cut you out of their lives.

[Hollyj]

This explains things:

 

How to get over straight coworker?

As the question says I feel like I’ve fallen for my straight coworker. We’ve become friends over the last years or so. His fiancé broke up with him a few months back and we spent weeks texting and talking on the phone. He has other friends, but I felt like I was his only one during this time. He told me a lot of things about their relationship as well as things he said he’s never told anyone before. Now him and his fiancé are working on possibly getting back together and he’s started telling me about his relationship again.

 

My crush on his is so deep that I’ve gotten to that point where you like someone and you think everyone is attracted to him. You think everyone wants to date him. Anyone who talks to him is into him. I showed a picture of him to a friend of mine and she couldn’t believe I was attracted to him because he is not my normal “type.” I told her that I don’t get it either. I know I’m attracted to the person he is inside and that’s why I find him gorgeous when most people might not.

 

I have to talk to him everyday. I have been at the company longer and he comes to ask me questions all the time. Sometimes he comes just to talk about things. Sometimes he comes to check on how I’m doing if he thinks I’m in a bad mood. My “bad moods” are because I’m trying not to talk to him and he tells me that he knows me and can tell when I’m not myself.

 

He such a great guy, but I need to get over him. I know we will never be together. I make very good money at the company, so I can’t leave. He’s told me he’s not looking for a new job, but if I left he’d come too because we’re a packaged deal. I cannot stop thinking about him all the time to the point that I’ve started sleeping terrible. How do I get passed this?

 

Thanks

 

OP, your comment was selfish and cruel. Plus, the guy is straight. If he is smart, he will see this for what it is.

[yatsue]

I also saw your previous thread about having a crush on this guy. You are putting in context that isn't there. You make a blind assumption, under the guise of hoping he doesn't go back to his ex.

 

Stop the wishful thinking. It is cruel and you are trying to keep them broken up for your own personal gain. It is not fair to take advantage of his situation and your friend senses something is up. Hence why he is mad at you after your "advice". Please just stop it.

[maew]

This is not about me. It’s about a friend of mine who got mad at me today because of what I told him.

 

My friend and his girlfriend of 10 years broke up a couple of months ago. He’s still in love with her and texted her a couple of weeks ago. Now, they are working on getting back together, but he’s not sure yet.

 

When she left, she told him she thought their life had become routine. Some background is that she does not have any friends and very little. They did the same things and hung out with the same people. She swears there was no other guy.

 

I broke down today and told him that I do think there was another guy. He asked why. I said because it doesn’t make sense that even if she thought their life was routine and boring, if she was still in love with him, why would she leave to sit at home and do nothing? Hanging out with her love and his friends and family would be better than being alone.

 

Now she is desperate to hang out with him, his friends and family. She is asking to come to his house or go places with him and his friends. So, their life was routine and now she wants to do the same things and hang with the same people they were before? It doesn’t make sense. I think she misses him because she is bored. I think there was another guy and that didn’t work out and now she wants to come back to their routine life.

 

He’s mad at me now and it’s depressing me because he’s my best friend. He said I was just speaking my truth, but said he’s upset because I don’t know everything about their life. I told him I do not, but I don’t want him to be fooled. He’s already told me he thinks she’s going to eventually leave again, but he’s willing to risk that because he loves her.

 

I plan on talking to him tomorrow, but is what I’m thinking way out of line? He’s a great guy and I don’t want him hurt again and I have a feeling she will hurt him again. His mother is even telling him to move on.

 

Thanks

 

This explains things:

 

How to get over straight coworker?

As the question says I feel like I’ve fallen for my straight coworker. We’ve become friends over the last years or so. His fiancé broke up with him a few months back and we spent weeks texting and talking on the phone. He has other friends, but I felt like I was his only one during this time. He told me a lot of things about their relationship as well as things he said he’s never told anyone before. Now him and his fiancé are working on possibly getting back together and he’s started telling me about his relationship again.

 

My crush on his is so deep that I’ve gotten to that point where you like someone and you think everyone is attracted to him. You think everyone wants to date him. Anyone who talks to him is into him. I showed a picture of him to a friend of mine and she couldn’t believe I was attracted to him because he is not my normal “type.” I told her that I don’t get it either. I know I’m attracted to the person he is inside and that’s why I find him gorgeous when most people might not.

 

I have to talk to him everyday. I have been at the company longer and he comes to ask me questions all the time. Sometimes he comes just to talk about things. Sometimes he comes to check on how I’m doing if he thinks I’m in a bad mood. My “bad moods” are because I’m trying not to talk to him and he tells me that he knows me and can tell when I’m not myself.

 

He such a great guy, but I need to get over him. I know we will never be together. I make very good money at the company, so I can’t leave. He’s told me he’s not looking for a new job, but if I left he’d come too because we’re a packaged deal. I cannot stop thinking about him all the time to the point that I’ve started sleeping terrible. How do I get passed this?

 

Thanks

 

OP, your comment was selfish and cruel. Plus, the guy is straight. If he is smart, he will see this for what it is.

 

Wow OP... pretty shady and conniving behavior on your part. You will be lucky if your friendship survives this... never mind what happens if your "friend" finds out about your crush and that you were purposely trying to push his ex away from him.

 

As context, I had a friend... she was in my life for 15 years... she had her issues but I loved her for who she was... she started manipulating me and lying to me about spending time with my ex, trying to create drama... she is no longer my friend, and I want nothing to do with her.

 

So don't be surprised if this happens to you.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you have a crush on him or aren't dating anyone and secretly hope to undermine his relationship and that they break up. He most likely picked up on that because you are way too involved in giving unsolicited advice and unsavory theories.

I broke down today and told him that I do think there was another guy. He asked why. He’s mad at me now. said he’s upset because I don’t know everything about their life.

[catfeeder]

You're being a manipulative saboteur, and if he sees that for what it is, then he's smarter than you thought.

[RedDress]

In my obervation and experience, I think a couple of things often happen in a long term relationship:

 

- people often take their mate for granted and assume that they could easily find another mate just as good or better (whether or not that’s the case)

 

- when people are unhappy in their own lives, they often project that onto their mate. It’s the “happily ever after” syndrome. They assume that if they are not happy, it’s because their relationship is broken.

 

There may or may not have been another guy. She might just have been unhappy in her own life and thought that breaking up would “fix” the situation and romanticized about being single. When they actually broke up and she was even more miserable, she could have realized her mistake.

 

It could work again provided she actually addressed the underlying issue - she is bored in life. She needs to pick up friends and hobbies and be responsible for her OWN happiness and not expect her partner to provide all the excitement in life.

 

I agree that it was at least irresponsible to say that you are convinced there was another man without proof.