he is despicable

[goddess]

Hi. Here I am again. There are no words that can describe what a b**stard my soon ex-to-be is. On Friday, our younger son drove 5 hours and came up for a visit. My ex and I hadn't seen him in 7 months. We wanted to tell him about our divorce in person so I asked my older son to accompany me to the house. There has been NC since I discovered that his bimbo spent the night about 2 weeks ago and who knows how many other times. We are separated so I'm OK with that (sort of). Yesterday, my ex, two sons and a mutual friend got together for drinks and dinner at the house. After some time, he gets a call from his bimbo saying that she was at a bar with a gf and was too drunk to drive. She wanted him to go and get her. My son claims that he did tell to take an uber but the poor dear insisted and he caved. She certainly has his b** in a jar. He told my son that he wanted her to spend the night. My son was not only appalled but totally shocked that she took precedence over him!!! My son said that if she spent the night, he would leave. He asked him to leave!!!!!!!!! I cannot believe it. So, the child did and spent the night at his brother's apartment. He is so upset, insulted and disappointed, so much so that he is going to leave today instead of staying a week, as originally planned.

 

I was sad before about the divorce but this is too much to bear. I have never known such heartache. I don't know how to comfort my child, or what to say. There are no words for his disgusting behaviour.

[figureitout23]

Im so sorry you are going through this.

 

Goddess, as we said before you gotta distance yourself. You kinda keep putting yourself in situations that have the ability to hurt like touching a stove and you just keep touching it.

 

Do not go to dinner with this man. The very act, this soon after separation, is the definition of confusing things. You already know he is conducting himself with little regard to your feelings, this is now a known fact so again, YOU have to be responsible for your well being.

 

In regards to your son, I get it, I can be a mommabear myself, so I am so sorry, BUT your son is a grown man. Your ex doesn't necessarily have to drop everything for his grown son, its not really required. And to be fair it sounds like your son is being protective of you, as he should be, but its causing a lot of unnecessary drama.

 

If you look at this objectively, which let be honest is going to be impossible this soon, but looking at it objectively a man leaving dinner with his sons a bit early to pick up his girlfriend who is unable to drive home because shes intoxicated, is not that out of the ordinary, but because you guys are doing things newly separated couples shouldn't be doing this small thing becomes a mountain. Was insisting she stay at his place when your son was uncomfortable wrong, yeah I'll give you guys that one, but again, a hard reality to face while going through a divorce, you are not divorcing the man you married, he is a very, very different person and you are going to have to learn who he is and accept its probably not going to be your favorite person.

 

Distance yourself please.

[Seraphim]

As adults they will have to deal with him on their own. You want to comfort them naturally. In reality you can’t . That is a hole only HE can fix.

 

My dad hooked up with my mom’s brother’s wife. So the woman who had been my aunt since I was born. He destroyed them and us and I have almost zero contact with my maternal cousins decades later due to what happened. I am very estranged from my father partially for this reason the rest being his abuse and neglect.

 

Just hold your relationship with your kids separate from him. Console them when need be but don’t get involved.

 

But you’re right he is disgusting.

[Wiseman2]

The best thing you can do is not share or project your disgust onto your adult kids. Meet them in your new place, invite them over, or visit them. Develop your own relationship with them and do not burden them with your personal horror. Do not act as a family unit. They are adults and can manage.

 

Make sure you are going to therapy to navigate this. Had you been going this scene wouldn't have happened because there was no need to meet with your adult kids as if you're still a couple.

 

Stop letting your husband call the shots and continue to make idiotic decisions like meeting up at his house as if your kids are in kindergarten and need the "mommy and daddy still love you but..." talk..

[goddess]

Im so sorry you are going through this.

 

Goddess, as we said before you gotta distance yourself. You kinda keep putting yourself in situations that have the ability to hurt like touching a stove and you just keep touching it.

 

Do not go to dinner with this man. The very act, this soon after separation, is the definition of confusing things. You already know he is conducting himself with little regard to your feelings, this is now a known fact so again, YOU have to be responsible for your well being.

 

In regards to your son, I get it, I can be a mommabear myself, so I am so sorry, BUT your son is a grown man. Your ex doesn't necessarily have to drop everything for his grown son, its not really required. And to be fair it sounds like your son is being protective of you, as he should be, but its causing a lot of unnecessary drama.

 

If you look at this objectively, which let be honest is going to be impossible this soon, but looking at it objectively a man leaving dinner with his sons a bit early to pick up his girlfriend who is unable to drive home because shes intoxicated, is not that out of the ordinary, but because you guys are doing things newly separated couples shouldn't be doing this small thing becomes a mountain. Was insisting she stay at his place when your son was uncomfortable wrong, yeah I'll give you guys that one, but again, a hard reality to face while going through a divorce, you are not divorcing the man you married, he is a very, very different person and you are going to have to learn who he is and accept its probably not going to be your favorite person.

 

Distance yourself please.

 

I went over Friday night to tell our son about the divorce; then I left. I just found out this morning when my son came to visit me at my apartment to tell me that he was leaving and to say good-bye. That's when he told me what happened. I knew nothing about it.

[goddess]

As adults they will have to deal with him on their own. You want to comfort them naturally. In reality you can’t . That is a hole only HE can fix.

 

My dad hooked up with my mom’s brother’s wife. So the woman who had been my aunt since I was born. He destroyed them and us and I have almost zero contact with my maternal cousins decades later due to what happened. I am very estranged from my father partially for this reason the rest being his abuse and neglect.

 

Just hold your relationship with your kids separate from him. Console them when need be but don’t get involved.

 

But you’re right he is disgusting.

 

I know he's an adult (24 yrs). I saw the look on his face; he was so hurt when he came over to say good-bye and to say that he was leaving. As I said, he was supposed to stay here for one week.

[Seraphim]

I know he's an adult (24 yrs). I saw the look on his face; he was so hurt when he came over to say good-bye and to say that he was leaving. As I said, he was supposed to stay here for one week.

 

I get that. I was the same age when my dad pulled his crap for the millionth and last time. Your son has mourn his own pain which is different than yours.

[goddess]

The best thing you can do is not share or project your disgust onto your adult kids. Meet them in your new place, invite them over, or visit them. Develop your own relationship with them and do not burden them with your personal horror. Do not act as a family unit. They are adults and can manage.

 

Make sure you are going to therapy to navigate this. Had you been going this scene wouldn't have happened because there was no need to meet with your adult kids as if you're still a couple.

 

Stop letting your husband call the shots and continue to make idiotic decisions like meeting up at his house as if your kids are in kindergarten and need the "mommy and daddy still love you but..." talk..

 

I agree with you but it's my son who said he's so insulted and hurt regarding how his father treated him. This is his son, for crying out loud, whom he sees once or twice a year for 1 week. He was here to visit and this is how his father reacts??? By telling him to leave so he can have his precious bimbo stay because she's too drunk to drive? That's so wrong on SO many levels. Sounds to me like my ex and the bimbo deserve each other. I cannot tell you how happy I am that I'm getting divorced and getting away from this mor**.

[figureitout23]

I went over Friday night to tell our son about the divorce; then I left. I just found out this morning when my son came to visit me at my apartment to tell me that he was leaving and to say good-bye. That's when he told me what happened. I knew nothing about it.

 

 

My apologies your story read very much as you were there.

 

I feel my advice can remain the same I would only add what seraphim said about allowing your sons to have their own relationship with their father.

 

Emotions are clearly still very high with this whole situation.

 

The way you kinda counter what everyone says I think you're more venting than looking for advice, which is totally understandable and can be very relieving to get it all out but this is an advice forum and we don't know you so our advice will be as unbiased as it can ( we are only getting your side of the story so there's going to be some bias) if you want to have an ex bashing, which can be highly beneficial you may have more luck with your girlfriends.

 

I would avoid making us or your sons your bashing sounding board. I mean it'll just cause more disagreements on this board which is whatever. But your sons need to reach a conclusion about him on their own.

 

I'm sorry again. It really sucks.

[goddess]

Thank you for your response, figureitout23. Your advise is sound. I overreacted. I need to calm down. xx

[goddess]

I am so sorry to hear that you had to endure this pain. Life is so hard at times. I know my son has to deal with the pain himself but, as a mom, I cannot help but to feel heartbroken for how my son was treated.

[SherrySher]

I read this quote.."It's not about the situations that makes things bad, it's how we react to them". Your ex is going to be a jerk no matter what. Rise above it.

 

Ignore your ex, comfort your child, move forward with grace.

 

If he wants to make things bad between him and his children, he will be the one to pay for it. Do your best to stay out of it and not let him (or her) get to you.

 

Change your focus. Sending hugs.

[Seraphim]

I am so sorry to hear that you had to endure this pain. Life is so hard at times. I know my son has to deal with the pain himself but, as a mom, I cannot help but to feel heartbroken for how my son was treated.

 

It is sad. I lost a lot of family. I know you want to protect your children . Unfortunately we can’t protect them from everything . Just comfort them when you can . But they have to work this out for themselves .

[goddess]

I read this quote.."It's not about the situations that makes things bad, it's how we react to them". Your ex is going to be a jerk no matter what. Rise above it.

 

Ignore your ex, comfort your child, move forward with grace.

 

If he wants to make things bad between him and his children, he will be the one to pay for it. Do your best to stay out of it and not let him (or her) get to you.

 

Change your focus. Sending hugs.

 

Beautifully said, SherrySher. I sincerely appreciate your kind feedback. Thank you. Hugs to you as well.

[goddess]

It is sad. I lost a lot of family. I know you want to protect your children . Unfortunately we can’t protect them from everything . Just comfort them when you can . But they have to work this out for themselves .

 

I hope you are in a better place today. It's true - we can't protect them from everything. It's just that my son was just informed of his parents divorce on Friday night and then this disturbing occurrence on Saturday night. A double whammy...

 

It just made me feel so terrible.

[Seraphim]

I hope you are in a better place today. It's true - we can't protect them from everything. It's just that my son was just informed of his parents divorce on Friday night and then this disturbing occurrence on Saturday night. A double whammy...

 

I understand. As a child I lived through 3 divorces. My dad used to cheat on my mom left and right. He was abusive to everybody . And he went after my uncle’s wife to pay my mother back for no longer wanting him. I am in a much better place now I am in my 50s and have my own family ,my own adult child and my own husband . I talk to my dad a few times a year I see him maybe once a year if he’s lucky . My aunt I no longer see or talk to and haven’t seen her in years I think I’ve seen her twice in the past 25 years .

 

My mother of course wanted to protect her children as well . But adults have to make their own way in the world and make their own relationships . Let your son retreat and lick his wounds and process in his own time even if you want to catch him up and hug him forever .

[goddess]

The best thing you can do is not share or project your disgust onto your adult kids. Meet them in your new place, invite them over, or visit them. Develop your own relationship with them and do not burden them with your personal horror. Do not act as a family unit. They are adults and can manage.

 

Make sure you are going to therapy to navigate this. Had you been going this scene wouldn't have happened because there was no need to meet with your adult kids as if you're still a couple.

 

Stop letting your husband call the shots and continue to make idiotic decisions like meeting up at his house as if your kids are in kindergarten and need the "mommy and daddy still love you but..." talk..

 

My son came by to see me this morning to say good-bye and told me what happened. I could see by the look on his face that he was upset. How could I not react? I was dumbfounded. What can I say?

[Seraphim]

Basically you’re seeing the unveiling of who he really is . He was never good .

[SherrySher]

Just say that you're so sorry, and you don't know why his Dad is acting like this but that you're there for him anytime he needs you.

 

I know its tough to not go on about how much of a jerk his father is, but it won't help things.

 

The only thing you can do as his Mom is let him know that he has your love and support no matter what.

[figureitout23]

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you and your sons will get through this.

 

Your ex is showing his true colors, let him.

 

Like others said rise above.

 

One day at a time.

[goddess]

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you and your sons will get through this.

 

Your ex is showing his true colors, let him.

 

Like others said rise above.

 

One day at a time.

 

I am trying so hard. Today was a particularly hard day. Cried most of the day. Usually, I not that bad but today took the cake.

[abitbroken]

Was it out of the question for you to offer for your son to stay with you at your place? i know, maybe you were just too taken aback to extend the invite.

Honestly, if you don't, i would have an extra bed at your place and make sure your son knows that he is always welcome.

[abitbroken]

It sounds like your husband's true colors are shining through if he kicked your son out for the bimbo. Do you see now that this man you said was "so fair and good" is not? He WILL screw you over so hopefully your attorney is sharp

[Seraphim]

It sounds like your husband's true colors are shining through if he kicked your son out for the bimbo. Do you see now that this man you said was "so fair and good" is not? He WILL screw you over so hopefully your attorney is sharp

 

Amen to that. He’s going to be about as fair as a three humped camel .

[Wiseman2]

An attorney, moving, etc are the logistics and only addresses that. Divorce and all the upheaval and emotional duress is a situation that is better helped by a therapist to help you navigate these important aspects. Don't neglect that side of things and continually be caught off guard by the emotional reactions to it all. It will also help you navigate the new relationship you'll have to forge with your adult sons as a single parent. Divorce does not end with lawyers, papers and moving. That's only the beginning of all the complicated emotions and situations.

I am trying so hard. Today was a particularly hard day. Cried most of the day. Usually, I not that bad but today took the cake.