he is despicable

[goddess]

Was it out of the question for you to offer for your son to stay with you at your place? i know, maybe you were just too taken aback to extend the invite.

Honestly, if you don't, i would have an extra bed at your place and make sure your son knows that he is always welcome.

 

This unpleasant scenario took place on Saturday night. I wasn't there - I was home. The ex, my two sons and a mutual friend were at the house having drinks and dinner. I briefly went over the house (accompanied by my older son) on Friday night to tell my younger son (who was coming up for a week visit - 5 hour drive) about the divorce. I left Friday night after we told him. I thought telling him in person was the right thing to do, rather than calling him, or wrose, texting him.

 

I didn't find out until Sunday morning when he came to see me to say good-bye (he didn't want to stay any longer). He was beside himself and told me what happened to him the night before. I would have been MORE than happy to have him stay with me rather than him hearing what happened in the bedroom. His room shares a wall with the master bedroom. I thought he'd have some respect for my son and be discreet while he was there. Honestly, he has all the time in the world to screw this person - can't he wait one week until my son leaves?????

[goddess]

You were right. What a shock. Seriously, I am so naive at times.

[goddess]

It sounds like your husband's true colors are shining through if he kicked your son out for the bimbo. Do you see now that this man you said was "so fair and good" is not? He WILL screw you over so hopefully your attorney is sharp

 

What he did to my son (who only comes up 2 times a year) is beyond words. It shook me to my very core! I will be meeting with the attorney next week.

[goddess]

An attorney, moving, etc are the logistics and only addresses that. Divorce and all the upheaval and emotional duress is a situation that is better helped by a therapist to help you navigate these important aspects. Don't neglect that side of things and continually be caught off guard by the emotional reactions to it all. It will also help you navigate the new relationship you'll have to forge with your adult sons as a single parent. Divorce does not end with lawyers, papers and moving. That's only the beginning of all the complicated emotions and situations.

 

I understand that now. I am trying to put things in perspective by realising that there are worse things in life. That helps me keep my sanity to some degree. Thank you for your feedback.

[katrina1980]

What he did to my son (who only comes up 2 times a year) is beyond words. It shook me to my very core!

 

Totally understandable goddess.

 

But could it also be possible that your anger is (at least in part) because you are just now dealing with the reality that your soon-to-be-ex husband has become serious about another woman, to the extent she would take precedence over your son, before your divorce has even become final?

 

If so, that would be totally understandable too!

 

My own dad became serious with another woman (she eventually became his wife – my step mom) before the divorce with my mom became final.

 

He also did things that would be considered “despicable” while this was all happening. Right off the bat, I could give you at least five examples of how he hurt/disappointed me! How his new gf took precedence over me and the rest of my siblings.

 

My mom was no help whatsoever, she only made it worse. She was so angry, she just continued trashing him, even cut up all their photos right in front of me! She was angry (rightfully so) and made no bones about telling me. It left a very bad impression on me, and because of it my dad and I actually did not speak for two years!

 

I would HATE to see that happen with your son and his dad, it’s extremely painful and caused me a lot mental and emotional distress.

 

After two years we finally reconciled, I even went to live with him after my step mom died. It was the best thing we ever did, we became closer than ever and he apologized for how he treated me during that time.

 

I am only telling you my story as a warning that YOUR anger at your husband (and your displaying such anger in front of your son) will impact your son’s relationship with him, and not in a good way.

 

I understand your son is angry too, and has every right to be! So was I when my dad treated me poorly.

 

But I think what’s best is to let them work it out between themselves.

 

Encourage your son to remain on good terms with him, despite YOUR own anger at him.

 

That is between you and your husband, don’t let that anger seep out over to your sons, it will do more emotional damage than you could ever imagine, and I am speaking from experience.

 

I wish you the best during this extremely painful process.

 

Take good care and sending hugs.

[goddess]

Totally understandable goddess.

 

But could it also be possible that your anger is (at least in part) because you are just now dealing with the reality that your soon-to-be-ex husband has become serious about another woman, to the extent she would take precedence over your son, before your divorce has even become final?

 

If so, that would be totally understandable too!

 

My own dad became serious with another woman (she eventually became his wife – my step mom) before the divorce with my mom became final.

 

He also did things that would be considered “despicable” while this was all happening. Right off the bat, I could give you at least five examples of how he hurt/disappointed me! How his new gf took precedence over me and the rest of my siblings.

 

My mom was no help whatsoever, she only made it worse. She was so angry, she just continued trashing him, even cut up all their photos right in front of me! She was angry (rightfully so) and made no bones about telling me. It left a very bad impression on me, and because of it my dad and I actually did not speak for two years!

 

I would HATE to see that happen with your son and his dad, it’s extremely painful and caused me a lot mental and emotional distress.

 

After two years we finally reconciled, I even went to live with him after my step mom died. It was the best thing we ever did, we became closer than ever and he apologized for how he treated me during that time.

 

I am only telling you my story as a warning that YOUR anger at your husband (and your displaying such anger in front of your son) will impact your son’s relationship with him, and not in a good way.

 

I understand your son is angry too, and has every right to be! So was I when my dad treated me poorly.

 

But I think what’s best is to let them work it out between themselves.

 

Encourage your son to remain on good terms with him, despite YOUR own anger at him for becoming serious about another woman so soon, and before the divorce is even final.

 

That is between you and your husband, don’t let that anger seep out over to your sons, it will do more emotional damage than you could ever imagine, and I am speaking from experience.

 

I wish you the best during this extremely painful process.

 

Take good care and sending hugs.

 

Thank you for sharing your story. I appreciate it. I was beside myself the day after it happened when my son told me. Truthfully, my ex is capable of some really stupid things, this certainly being one of them. It's one thing if he hurts me, but don't do that to your son. My son's anger and mine has simmered down. Actually, I am disappointed with him, not angry. It was a very shi*tty thing to do. He saw my son the next day and apologised profusely. My son has been through a lot in his young life and he's learned to put things in perspective. He seems to have dealt with it pretty well thus far and even decided to stay for the week, instead of leaving as originally planned. I inadvertently found out that the ex met this bimbo on-line only a couple of weeks ago.

 

He had a long talk with my son and told my son that he regrets it very much. Goes to show me how stupid and foolish my ex can be.

[reinventmyself]

I was in therapy while going through my divorce and the best advise I received was that what was best for my sons was that they had a good relationship with their father. Period.

 

As others have already pointed out - is that your family is no longer one unit.

Your relationship with your sons is separate from their relationship with their father. It takes some time to wrap your head around this one, but for all considered start working on getting there.

 

You can't help them and their father can either screw it up or make it work all on his own.

You can comfort them, be there for them, but don't add fuel to a burning fire.

For kids to turn out o.k. they basically need one good parent.

 

I know as a mother of two sons my self, you hurt when your kids hurt and it's instinctual to want to make it better. But they are young adults and they will grieve the ending of the marriage as well. It is important for them to process this.

 

I have friend, who's father ran off with his secretary and left his legally deaf wife home alone to raise 4 kids when they were very young. She cleaned the neighbors houses to keep food on the table. She never once said anything disparaging about their father. Those kids became adults and had so much respect and admiration for their mother.

 

Children are smart. They know the score and will judge each of you separately on how you handle this divorce and your personal affairs.

 

Set a good example for your sons and handle your end with dignity and respect.

Dad can screw it up well enough without your help.

Hopefully he'll come around for the sake of his sons.

 

I get it . . .I went through something similar and today my sons have a good relationship with their dad in spite of all the bad decisions he made early on.

 

Hang in there.

[goddess]

I was in therapy while going through my divorce and the best advise I received was that what was best for my sons was that they had a good relationship with their father. Period.

 

As others have already pointed out - is that your family is no longer one unit.

Your relationship with your sons is separate from their relationship with their father. It takes some time to wrap your head around this one, but for all considered start working on getting there.

 

You can't help them and their father can either screw it up or make it work all on his own.

You can comfort them, be there for them, but don't add fuel to a burning fire.

For kids to turn out o.k. they basically need one good parent.

 

I know as a mother of two sons my self, you hurt when your kids hurt and it's instinctual to want to make it better. But they are young adults and they will grieve the ending of the marriage as well. It is important for them to process this.

 

I have friend, who's father ran off with his secretary and left his legally deaf wife home alone to raise 4 kids when they were very young. She cleaned the neighbors houses to keep food on the table. She never once said anything disparaging about their father. Those kids became adults and had so much respect and admiration for their mother.

 

Children are smart. They know the score and will judge each of you separately on how you handle this divorce and your personal affairs.

 

Set a good example for your sons and handle your end with dignity and respect.

Dad can screw it up well enough without your help.

Hopefully he'll come around for the sake of his sons.

 

I get it . . .I went through something similar and today my sons have a good relationship with their dad in spite of all the bad decisions he made early on.

 

Hang in there.

 

What a truly sad story about your friend. And, I'm glad you are OK now. I will definitely handle my end with dignity and respect. I was touched by your story. Both of my sons have a very good relationship with their father. We all do stupid things occasionally. We're all human. That said, my younger son decided to stay for the full week. His father apologised profusely and they are on good terms now. My older son as well. I did get angry at first but I feel that I am no longer angry. It's pointless to harbour that emotion. I do have some bad days but, on the whole, I am coping pretty well. Hopefully, the healing will continue. But I promise you, all the others who have taken time to reply to me and myself that I will not speak ill of my ex. You can count on that! xx

[reinventmyself]

No one expects you to get it right all at once.

This has come on so quickly and it's all a learning process. . or relearning.

Given everything, I think you are doing pretty well.

[goddess]

No one expects you to get it right all at once.

This has come on so quickly and it's all a learning process. . or relearning.

Given everything, I think you are doing pretty well.

 

Thank you for your encouraging words, reinventmyself. I believe I am doing well also, all things considered. And, thank you for your feedback; very appreciated. xx

[Snflwrgrl]

I had never known such heartache before until the day my husband told me he didn’t love me anymore and he left me and our two sons. I was devastated!! I didn’t know how to tell my children or how to console them after I did. I learned first-hand that the saying “A mother is only as happy as her saddest child” is true. I found a very comforting book during this time called, “Praying for Your Adult Children” by Stormie Omartian. I highly recommend!! it to you. Have you considered DivorceCare? It’s offered nationwide and it will put you in touch with other women who are going through the same emotions you are. I made lifelong friends there and it gave me the tools I need to start the healing process. I never had to say anything to my boys about their dad. I was determined to continue to be a supportive, loving, stable parent. They figured everything out on their own and they are doing very well today. Don’t lose hope. Hugs!

[goddess]

I had never known such heartache before until the day my husband told me he didn’t love me anymore and he left me and our two sons. I was devastated!! I didn’t know how to tell my children or how to console them after I did. I learned first-hand that the saying “A mother is only as happy as her saddest child” is true. I found a very comforting book during this time called, “Praying for Your Adult Children” by Stormie Omartian. I highly recommend!! it to you. Have you considered DivorceCare? It’s offered nationwide and it will put you in touch with other women who are going through the same emotions you are. I made lifelong friends there and it gave me the tools I need to start the healing process. I never had to say anything to my boys about their dad. I was determined to continue to be a supportive, loving, stable parent. They figured everything out on their own and they are doing very well today. Don’t lose hope. Hugs!

 

I am devastated as well even though he first mentioned that he wanted a divorce in 2012, 2015 and now. Somehow, I made myself believe that he'd love me enough to overlook our issues. We were both at fault but I accepted him as he was because, in my mind, I feel that I loved him unconditionally. Actually, I still love him. I hurt so much and wonder if it will ever go away. My sons seem to be handling the news well. They were surprised yet not shocked. They kind of knew that it was coming. A part of me did as well; I just didn't think so soon.

 

Thank you for the info. I will look into both.

[Wiseman2]

Have faith in them and their intuition. Your divorce is different for them than it is for you. They still have their father. This has been rocky for at least 6 years now. He may have had lovers on the side all the while especially during his divorce threats and blaming you for not satisfying his excessive and bizarre sexual appetite. Very typical rationalization in his mind. Once you embrace completely how bad things have been for so long, you will be able to start coping and feel less shocked. It's as if you are finally awakening from the narcosis he had you in.

he first mentioned that he wanted a divorce in 2012, 2015 and now. My sons seem to be handling the news well. They were surprised yet not shocked. They kind of knew that it was coming. A part of me did as well

[figureitout23]

Have faith in them and their intuition. Your divorce is different for them than it is for you. They still have their father. This has been rocky for at least 6 years now. He may have had lovers on the side all the while especially during his divorce threats and blaming you for not satisfying his excessive and bizarre sexual appetite. Very typical rationalization in his mind. Once you embrace completely how bad things have been for so long, you will be able to start coping and feel less shocked. It's as if you are finally awakening from the narcosis he had you in.

 

This is my personal opinion, but I think just taking things for face value when going through a divorce eases the process a lot better than analyzing and shaping memories to make oneself out to be a victim of 'narcosis' or villainizing his sexual desires. Those desires simply did not mesh with hers.Is he a narcissist or crazy? Who cares? He's gone now.

 

I can't remember the poster who said when he asked about the mental status of his ex and asked what his counselor thought and she simply said they sound like a bad person, or something to that effect. That's really all you need. He's being a jerk right now that is all you need.

 

As someone who went through divorce after 10 years I honestly thank my lucky stars I didn't know this site existed and that's not to say this place isn't amazing, it is and has taught me so much about navigating the dating world but on the recovery side of things there seems to be a big pull to obsess and diagnose and victimize oneself and I probably would not be over him had I taken that road.

 

I remember the early days after he left, I went to an appointment with our old marriage counselor and I was manic, all I wanted her to do was fix it, fix him, why is he doing this. Make him stop this, explain why he's doing this, my focus was on him but hers wasn't and I remember leaving that session so ANGRY, I felt I wasted a copay to focus on me, I'm not the problem, he is, fix it. That's how muddied my mind was during that time, luckily for me she did not focus on him at all and it forced me to sit with things and face them at face value, he left, he's a jerk for leaving but he left. I didn't know about any of this other stuff so I had no choice but to use that information to heal and I can only speak for myself, but again, I don't think I'd be where I am today had I not taken that road.

[goddess]

Have faith in them and their intuition. Your divorce is different for them than it is for you. They still have their father. This has been rocky for at least 6 years now. He may have had lovers on the side all the while especially during his divorce threats and blaming you for not satisfying his excessive and bizarre sexual appetite. Very typical rationalization in his mind. Once you embrace completely how bad things have been for so long, you will be able to start coping and feel less shocked. It's as if you are finally awakening from the narcosis he had you in.

 

I do have faith in them. IMO, they are exemplary examples of human beings and I am so fortunate to have them in my life. They both have a strong and loving relationship with their father, which pleases me very much. Yes, this has been rocky for 6 years but I was willing to overlook things because I feel that marriage has its ups and down and it's not necessarily 50/50. Yes, we both contributed the the demise of the marriage but I will confess that I, for one, did not make it clear that I really didn't like what he wanted in the sexual arena. I assumed he knew. I went through the motions. I should have verbalised how I felt and not assume he knew. Perhaps I'm being too generous but I know for a fact that I don't communicate well as all. I generally am not a complainer and I keep things inside instead of speaking up. That oftentimes is my downfall. I am very easy going. But, I will say this though, I am 100% certain that he did not cheat. He may be lots of things but not a cheater. Guaranteed. Trust me on that.

 

It was like a vicious cycle. I didn't please him so resentment and anger festered within him. His displeasure came through in certain ways i.e. he began insulting me in subtle ways. I seem to possess an extraordinary amount of patience or perhaps I am dense and was in denial or in my own little world. But, I will not dis him; we were simply on different pages. Yes, I said some nasty things about him on this site but not to the kids. I don't like it but it is what it is. Now, I must put up the pieces and carry on. I still insist that it's a shame because, aside the sexual differences (which are very important), we had so very much in common. Such is life.

 

I don't mean to exasperate you, Wiseman2 - so that you know. I do appreciate your feedback.

[goddess]

I am fully aware that we both played our parts in the demise of the marriage. I accepted him and his "flaws" and thought he'd do the same. Guess he broke before I did because I was willing to spend the rest of my life with him. He was my best friend and now I've lost him...

[SherrySher]

Don't blame yourself, goddess. You did what you could given the circumstances. If the other person is wanting out, nothing you can do will work.

He obviously has his own reasons for wanting to leave, but don't blame yourself. Many of those reasons might not have anything to do with you and how you were/are but has to do with him and his own needs.

 

You were a good Mum and a good wife, don't ever doubt that in yourself.

[goddess]

Don't blame yourself, goddess. You did what you could given the circumstances. If the other person is wanting out, nothing you can do will work.

He obviously has his own reasons for wanting to leave, but don't blame yourself. Many of those reasons might not have anything to do with you and how you were/are but has to do with him and his own needs.

 

You were a good Mum and a good wife, don't ever doubt that in yourself.

 

Unfortunately, this is the reality that I have to face. A failed marriage after 29 years is so devastating. Oftentimes it seems surreal and I a crazy urge to go back to the house and embrace him. Ridiculous, I know. What can I say? Thank you for your support and kind words. xx

[Wiseman2]

It will be a roller coaster. Please let a therapist help you navigate all this. Not doing so is like walking along with a broken leg and refusing treatment...it will do more damage and scar you.