My sister went NC with me and her wedding "reception" is soon

[Johnny Utah]

Sometimes it helps to imagine yourself down the line 10, 15, + years down the line. Imagine looking back on this and yourself , what possible scenarios would make you the happiest and most at peace to have chosen? What's most in line with your sense of morality and what you want out of life?

 

I think we all have some family that just ... sucks ;)

I have a few .. doesn't matter what I've done, and I tried a lot, they are who they are. Makes perfect sense, but took til my thirties and a few rough lessons to get that.

 

So now , especially after my mom passed away and there's little of anything but myself to keep the relationships going, it's absolutely me just being me and doing what I want and not caring about what they may do. I know who they are. I only allow in what I want .

 

Your new brother in law sounds like someone you might actually have a connection with, there's that, and I have this feeling you wouldn't mind having at least a chance to enjoy being uncle to their kids , even if mom is a brat.

 

I agree. But I know I can live with this since I have lived without her most of my life. The majority. And these last two years. When people aren't in your lives, what do you owe to them?

 

It's not a matter of how I was friends with her husband or would enjoy a healthy relationship. She banned him from calling me to fix things. She controls his live and the lives of their possible children. I don't and won't have a say. That is the kind of person she is.

[abitbroken]

I agree. But I know I can live with this since I have lived without her most of my life. The majority. And these last two years. When people aren't in your lives, what do you owe to them?

 

It's not a matter of how I was friends with her husband or would enjoy a healthy relationship. She banned him from calling me to fix things. She controls his live and the lives of their possible children. I don't and won't have a say. That is the kind of person she is.

 

I think i would go just for the sake of the future kids. when she talks about when they got married, she cannot say "oh and Uncle Johnny Utah didn't come". I mean, i remember being a little kid and when we went to a wedding, asking my parents about when they got married. You never know - things could change during the marriage and the new brother in law could decide to meet you with the kids behind her back. Who knows -- he might run after a year or two. you don't have to stay long.

[abitbroken]

but wait == were you actually invited?

[Johnny Utah]

I think i would go just for the sake of the future kids. when she talks about when they got married, she cannot say "oh and Uncle Johnny Utah didn't come". I mean, i remember being a little kid and when we went to a wedding, asking my parents about when they got married. You never know - things could change during the marriage and the new brother in law could decide to meet you with the kids behind her back. Who knows -- he might run after a year or two. you don't have to stay long.

 

I didn't get an official invite.

 

Not sure how many chinese families you know, but that type of reminiscing didn't happen in my family.

 

You'd think my sister would think of her future kids. But judging by how I have portrayed her and how she is in life, it makes a lot of sense that she hasn't.

 

I hope things change but after 2 years of NC, why would think that they would? If an upcoming marriage isn't motivation to change and fix things, would a baby?

[tattoobunnie]

I just can't overlook this no matter how hard I try

 

Forgiveness helps you to move on. Not only does the anger affect your relationships with your family, but it seeps out into all your romantic relationships, and relationship with any kids you have. Avoiding the issue with No contact instead of addressing your concerns, and letting it move towards a positive direction is what weighs you down, and will stunt you as a person.

 

Nobody is forcing you to do anything, but reading this from an outside perspective, it's like you are calling the kettle black. The hugest reason why you can't stand her is because she probably reminds you of you at some point in time.

 

If you didn't possess hate, you probably wouldn't have flipped out that she hung out with your dog for a little bit.

 

I'm first generation USA born (Chinese too) / same age too. I just think you have to just let people roll off your back; and I mean, really understand, their crap is really an extension of crap that is going on with them, and not malice with you. Perspective makes all the difference.

[reinventmyself]

and she's not under my skin since I have 0 reaction around them.

 

I am team Johnny. .but I have to call you out here.

If she wasn't under your skin this thread wouldn't exist :)

[Seraphim]

How will you feel if she died or all your siblings died? Truly reflect on that.

[Johnny Utah]

Forgiveness helps you to move on. Not only does the anger affect your relationships with your family, but it seeps out into all your romantic relationships, and relationship with any kids you have. Avoiding the issue with No contact instead of addressing your concerns, and letting it move towards a positive direction is what weighs you down, and will stunt you as a person.

 

Nobody is forcing you to do anything, but reading this from an outside perspective, it's like you are calling the kettle black. The hugest reason why you can't stand her is because she probably reminds you of you at some point in time.

 

If you didn't possess hate, you probably wouldn't have flipped out that she hung out with your dog for a little bit.

 

I'm first generation USA born (Chinese too) / same age too. I just think you have to just let people roll off your back; and I mean, really understand, their crap is really an extension of crap that is going on with them, and not malice with you. Perspective makes all the difference.

 

I think my stubbornness and willingness to go NC has seeped into relationships, sure. I don't really have a problem calling myself out on my own bull$hit.

 

How does one address something when the other person calls not to address the issue but to get you to do something for them?

 

You are right on a lot of things. She is a worse version of me. She's a twisted version of me that was enabled and didn't grow up. I had more unfortunate things happen to me to make me realize how much of a selfish a-hole I was. She obviously hasn't. There are parts of her I can't stand, but I did try for 2 years.

 

It wasn't hate that caused me to get upset with the dog, it was the conspiracy to lie when it was obvious that it would piss me off. Think about how if you had a group of family do this one thing, knowing full well it was wrong and that you'd be upset that they had to all agree to lie, and still do it anyways, how would you feel about them? My feeling is disappointment. If people don't consider your feelings and respect your wishes, why should you respect theirs?

 

It's that last thought that I struggle with relationships. The search for mutual respect. I find it's harder to find than I would have thought.

 

I am team Johnny. .but I have to call you out here.

If she wasn't under your skin this thread wouldn't exist :)

 

I think it is how you interpret that phrase. When I am around her and she does something obvious like is rude and loud to my aunts or makes a callous joke or comment not showing respect, then yes, it does get under my skin. And the disregard for how my extended family has always treated and enabled her. Hence, why I wouldn't want to go to this reception to see her get undeserved treatment.

 

How will you feel if she died or all your siblings died? Truly reflect on that.

 

She's around 35 years old. I have not been in her life for about 25 or so. How well do I know her? How much would I care? I know this sounds callous and hard to believe, but she's almost like a stranger to me and that I wouldn't even go to the funeral. What would I have to be sad about?

 

I don't feel like I have a sister RIGHT now whilst she is alive, especially not speaking for 2 years. What's the difference between NC and death? None.

[abitbroken]

How does one address something when the other person calls not to address the issue but to get you to do something for them?

 

you have boundaries and tell them that you won't do that thing they asked. Easy Peasey. You don't launch into them about what happened 10 years ago. You just say no. Or describe what small part of it you WILL do (if anything at all). Do not act based on the contingency that they need to 'address their issues'. JUst have your own boundaries and that's it

 

Yes - there is a big difference between NC and death. NC has the possibility of changing - death is permanent. I think that if your sister died, you would be gutted as much as you pretend to hate her, she is still your sister. The thoughts of how things could have gone differently could come streaming in to your brain from nowhere.

[Johnny Utah]

How does one address something when the other person calls not to address the issue but to get you to do something for them?

 

you have boundaries and tell them that you won't do that thing they asked. Easy Peasey. You don't launch into them about what happened 10 years ago. You just say no. Or describe what small part of it you WILL do (if anything at all). Do not act based on the contingency that they need to 'address their issues'. JUst have your own boundaries and that's it

 

Yes - there is a big difference between NC and death. NC has the possibility of changing - death is permanent. I think that if your sister died, you would be gutted as much as you pretend to hate her, she is still your sister. The thoughts of how things could have gone differently could come streaming in to your brain from nowhere.

 

I understand what you mean by boundaries and I set no contingency verbally, but in my heart. I think my boundaries for going is to not "celebrate" but to have my presence there. It's because I can't pretend.

 

You're right about NC and death being different, but like I said, she is not like a sister to me and rarely ever has been.

 

Hopefully I haven't come across as somebody who hates their sister. I don't hate her. I don't love her. I don't love a stranger. She is my sister. We don't choose our family and that is a fact. But not being in each other's lives means there is little to no connection.

 

I know that you come from a good place and everything you say comes from a good place and heart, but I think since we don't know each other, you are assuming there is that kind of humanity in me.

 

I don't think there is. That is why I gave my long life story. I don't reflect about my whole life and how it could have been different. I don't wish for my childhood to be different because it makes sense how I acted with how angry I was. I don't regret that because it's all I know.

 

I do wish I wasn't so difficult and self-righteous. But I excuse it by saying I want to treat people well and I deserved to be treated well in return, and if they don't do that, then I am better off alone.

 

Seriously, if she died I would not be sure I would even attend her funeral. I don't reflect back on our childhood with fond memories because I can't come up with any.

[catfeeder]

I don't really have a problem calling myself out on my own bull$hit.

 

Yes, you do.

 

How does one address something when the other person calls not to address the issue but to get you to do something for them?

 

Decide how important the issue 'must' be to you. Then decide whether it's worth holding onto and what you get from doing that. Decide whether you can just neutralize your own behavior by dropping the grudge and attending family functions cheerfully and without snubbing anyone.

 

You don't need to 'do' anything for anyone that you don't want to do. "No, that doesn't work for me..." is a reasonable response to any unwanted requests for favors. Otherwise, being kind and dropping your own side of the tug-of-war rope buys you neutrality and ease going forward.

 

When you don't want to engage in a contest, don't play. You can simply fail to 'hear' any insults as you change the subject or address someone else. Playing deaf is a far more powerful response than acknowledging an insult. It's like Teflon.

 

Head high.

[Seraphim]

I think my stubbornness and willingness to go NC has seeped into relationships, sure. I don't really have a problem calling myself out on my own bull$hit.

 

How does one address something when the other person calls not to address the issue but to get you to do something for them?

 

You are right on a lot of things. She is a worse version of me. She's a twisted version of me that was enabled and didn't grow up. I had more unfortunate things happen to me to make me realize how much of a selfish a-hole I was. She obviously hasn't. There are parts of her I can't stand, but I did try for 2 years.

 

It wasn't hate that caused me to get upset with the dog, it was the conspiracy to lie when it was obvious that it would piss me off. Think about how if you had a group of family do this one thing, knowing full well it was wrong and that you'd be upset that they had to all agree to lie, and still do it anyways, how would you feel about them? My feeling is disappointment. If people don't consider your feelings and respect your wishes, why should you respect theirs?

 

It's that last thought that I struggle with relationships. The search for mutual respect. I find it's harder to find than I would have thought.

 

 

 

I think it is how you interpret that phrase. When I am around her and she does something obvious like is rude and loud to my aunts or makes a callous joke or comment not showing respect, then yes, it does get under my skin. And the disregard for how my extended family has always treated and enabled her. Hence, why I wouldn't want to go to this reception to see her get undeserved treatment.

 

 

 

She's around 35 years old. I have not been in her life for about 25 or so. How well do I know her? How much would I care? I know this sounds callous and hard to believe, but she's almost like a stranger to me and that I wouldn't even go to the funeral. What would I have to be sad about?

 

I don't feel like I have a sister RIGHT now whilst she is alive, especially not speaking for 2 years. What's the difference between NC and death? None.

 

Wait for it. And you will KNOW the difference. Death is permanent.

[Johnny Utah]

Yes, you do.

 

 

 

I don't know. If you can cite the evidence of me not calling myself on my own bull, I'd certainly hear it. I am reading all the comments and trying to see if it applies to me. I'm not just ignoring them.

[Johnny Utah]

Wait for it. And you will KNOW the difference. Death is permanent.

 

Yes. I've never felt this period of NC was never permanent as well. I consider it permanent. I'd be shocked, SHOCKED, if she had the strength to patch things up, like I did so many years ago.

 

To me, it is permanent. I don't need death to physically make that happen.

[fwdthinker]

What ended up happening?

[Johnny Utah]

My brother called not to talk to me about this but to announce him and his wife were having a baby.

 

He visited and so did family. I was able to see most of them.

 

Or course I didn't go. Couldn't do it.

 

Only my uncle made a stink of it and said if I didn't show up the second night, he would disown me.

 

I got to see more family the day after both receptions and all were cool with me so it seems.

 

I don't regret anything. Only sad that I wasn't able to see my family more.

 

My parents left me alone and everything else seems fine.