Husband left me after 23 years

[Juleezg]

Today my husband moved out and got his own place 1.5 hours away from me. Its where his job is located that he recently got promoted to in November.

Thats when he told me when things started to change.

He sat me down a month ago and said he is not in love with me anymore and that he wants to move out to find himself. He says he still loves me just not in love.

Today he moved out

We have been together since he was 17 years old. He is now 40. Got a new job a fair distance away. His dream job hes called it.

 

He has said lots of mixed feelings this last month. He wants to move but yet he dont. He sees a future for himself without me in it and hes never seen that before he said.

He has said some hurtful things that i will never forget. He tells me that this will probably only last 2 weeks. Then he says right after that... but what of it dont?

I dont understand what is going on. How does this change like that and so suddenly?

He is the type of guy that needs someone in his life... hes never been on his own.. he has zero friends and all his family lives very far away which who he isnt close to anyways.

He basically wants me to put my life on hold till he figures out what he wants. And who knows how long that could take. So what am i suppose to do with my life i dont even know. I know hes my soulmate the love of my life.

He told me that his job is done. He did what he had to to get me to the point i am in my life and raised the kids and hes just done.

He tells me he wants a baby and i am not able to get pregnant naturally anymore. Our youngest is 17. I told him i talked to my doctor and she said i can still carry a baby but then he tells me he dont know if thats what he wants. Im 43 the clock is ticking!

Am i missing something? He insists there is not another woman.

He says at this point he dont want a divorice and he will always take care of me no matter what happens. I work part time and have never had a full time job besides being a mom. I didnt work for like 17 years. He is going to pay our mortgage and all the bills plus the stuff for his new place.

He is getting an air mattress and a chair. He took a tv and just the stuff he uses. Said he will be back someday to get more stuff but maybe he wont hes not sure.

He wants to always remain friends.

What do i do? What do i say to all this? All i feel is sadness. Just sad and afraid he will leave me for good. He told me today before he left... you know none of this scares me except the fact that i could lose you. That scares me.

All these mixed emotions is killing me on the inside. He has texted me 2 times today. I love you.

Please give me some advice.

[DanZee]

Your husband is going through a mid-life crisis. It may be because he hooked up with you at a young age so now he feels like he hasn't sown his wild oats. Someone described it as 40 turning 20. Suddenly he realizes there's all these things he hasn't done, mixed with declining production of testosterone, so he's getting moody and depressed, and he has all these responsibilities, and he's not really having any fun, and his sex life might be boring, and he really doesn't know what he wants.

 

Don't believe half the stuff he's saying to you. He doesn't know what he's saying. And don't take it personally. This is the age that a lot of divorces happen because guys go through the middle age crazies. I know it hurts you but think of it as male menopause. He's not in total control of his emotions.

 

These things can go 50-50. He either gets a divorce or he eventually comes back to you. You can help the situation by trying to entice him back. Set aside some time for him and invite him out on a date. He might actually miss dating. Maybe try seducing him. Crying and trying to guilt him won't bring him back. But trying to win him back might. If you can go on a real date, maybe you can cook him his favorite meal or go to a hotel for the weekend. Or you can do nothing and see if he comes back on his own. But if you can spice up your relationship and act more like a girlfriend than a wife, you might be able to save your marriage.

[lostandhurt]

Welcome to ENA,

 

I know you are hurt and scared right now and your head is spinning but just stay calm and keep posting. You would be stunned by how many times someone just like you finds this place with the same story.

 

First off more than likely there is another woman. Do you really think he would tell you the truth if he was cheating on you? He wants to keep you off balance and hoping he will return why he takes this new life on a test drive.

 

Look at his actions not his words. What is he doing? He has walked out on you and the children. Pretty selfish don't you think?

 

Do not have another baby with this man no matter what he says. I have no idea how you carrying a baby at 43 is going to make him feel better. If he was a real man he wouldn't be so selfish and risk your health because he is lost.

 

Do not make excuses for him or allow anyone else to make excuses for him. He knows exactly what he is doing and has been planning it for some time. What he is doing may not be right or logical but he knows what he is doing so put any notion that he is in some haze and will snap out of it soon completely out of you remind. This is about a selfish choice, not hormones, lost youth or a chemical imbalance.

 

What should you do? The smart thing to do is go seek legal advice from a divorce lawyer. You don't have to file or even consider it right now but you need sound legal advice on what your rights are. You have been married a long time and haven't worked so he will be paying a large sum to you each month. A legal separation should be seriously considered at the minimum right now.

 

Ignore his attempts at keeping you confused and on a string while you get your strength back and prepare to look out for yourself and your children.

 

Keep posting, it will help

 

Lost

[Pleasedonot5]

He wants his own space, so give him so much space that it's deafening. In other words let him explore while you move on. He's afraid he will lose you but he doesn't think he will. Nothing is more effective in this situation except NC/LC unless he wants to reconcile.

[shessofly]

I understand you’re hurting but i would let him realize the full consequences of his actions by letting him experience what life is like without you in it. It is difficult and most can’t or won’t do it, but the worst thing you could do right now is sit in your sorrow, waiting for him to make a decision. You aren’t his friend, you’re his wife and what he’s doing is absolutely cruel and selfish. Read up on the 180 and start implementing it now. Also, as lost said consult an attorney ASAP. You do not have to file for divorce today but you do need to know your rights and options, rather than sit by and let him make all the choices (in his favor no doubt) for you. Sorry you are going thru this. A baby won’t fix it. Be strong. You can get thru this.

 

Begging, pleading, pity parties, etc is not the way. Get out the house more with friends, work out, new hobbies...just get busy living even thru your pain. Let him see you have options too, and you can go on without him.

[Silverbirch]

43 is actually young so you do have strong possibilities for a good life without him if it comes to that. Even if you inky have worked p/t, that is still something good to see on your cv. I agree that you should get legal advice.

[Lester]

"He is going to pay our mortgage and all the bills plus the stuff for his new place."

- No he's not! You're being positioned.

 

There is another woman, and my guess is she's pregnant.

 

You need to contact a lawyer today!

 

Stop all contact with him.

Stop using all shared emails, computers and phones.

Do not speak any words of self-blame. They could be used against you.

Begin copying ALL bank/finance/retirement records!

 

 

PS, It's certainly not a midlife crisis! To understand infidelity, read James Dobson's "Love must be Tough". (Never let him see this book!)