Faith Commitment Action

[IAmFCA]

And let me just say --

 

Yeah, it is remarkable how many people are comfortable commenting on how and what we eat. Me included. I am not over or underweight, I am comfortable talking about health and about eating within the context of health because nutrition interests me. Enough that I took a class in it even in college. But say anything that resembles inner conflict, like "I would like a bite of cake but that's all". Or, "none for me, thank you" because one bite leads to 20 bites for me... because sugar IS a drug... And others are ready to jump in with "You earned it!" "You don't have to worry about that stuff!" "It's the holidays!" or whatever supposedly supportive comment comes to mind.

 

I have just decided I am happier when I hear all of it as a statement of kindness. A few months ago the bf said "I finally get it. I am trying to support you but I am undermining you!" and I felt such relief and also, like, 'Yeah dude. How long was it gonna take you to see the obvious.' The dinner was testy, and the steak was some sort of assertiveness on his part. He later acknowledged he knew at the time that i didn't want the steak. It came after several days of him being in a land where I know everyone and everywhere. He really struggles in those situations. I don't much give a darn. He can fix his self-worth issues on his own time.

 

But I can be kind to him along the way because he never makes it like I am the one who is a jerk, and because rose colored glasses are among the tools we need to keep a relationship together. Its a tool I have been working on since divorce. Mostly, because we all need a free pass some times, that's what friends do for one another, and certainly, he can get a free pass from me.

[Batya33]

I knew of a couple where the woman always wanted her husband to order for her at every restaurant - kind of caveman style. I was shocked because of course this was the 1990s or beyond but you know whatever floats your boat.

 

I think as far as commenting it depends if you open the door to it. I don't like comments if I haven't opened the door to it. If I have then it's on me. I'm happier when I choose how much to share in that situation and when I accept my role in it. As mentioned it's up to you what your boundaries are and everyone has different boundaries. My mother is underweight and she hates when people critique her "you're soooo skinny!" - because she knows if she was fat it would be inappropriate to say "you're sooo fat" so a negative criticism about her being underweight is just not welcome.

 

Having had an (undiagnosed) eating disorder for years I am sensitive to comments about what I eat/how, etc.

[IAmFCA]

I knew of a couple where the woman always wanted her husband to order for her at every restaurant - kind of caveman style. I was shocked because of course this was the 1990s or beyond but you know whatever floats your boat.

 

I think as far as commenting it depends if you open the door to it. I don't like comments if I haven't opened the door to it. If I have then it's on me. I'm happier when I choose how much to share in that situation and when I accept my role in it. As mentioned it's up to you what your boundaries are and everyone has different boundaries. My mother is underweight and she hates when people critique her "you're soooo skinny!" - because she knows if she was fat it would be inappropriate to say "you're sooo fat" so a negative criticism about her being underweight is just not welcome.

 

Having had an (undiagnosed) eating disorder for years I am sensitive to comments about what I eat/how, etc.

 

So many of us struggle with too much weight gain that people who struggle with too little weight gain (whatever "too" means), in some ways, have a harder road. Many of us make the assumption that slender people are lucky, or have it easier in some manner. You rightly point out that we are clear that obesity is unhealthy; perhaps because so many of us are obese. Perhaps myopia is the fundamental human frailty.

 

My daughters work hard to put on weight. Eating is a task to them, and when they are busy, its a task that falls off their to do list. When they get home they eat like linebackers, we talk about it without stress, and I have decided its a self-care/responsibility skill and not a disorder (or early signs of ~). Still... I bet they ave had to deal with comments about their slender appearance. They also have had comments about their hair coloring and make up since they were toddlers... and (of course?) they had no artifice of any kind.

 

Old school manners say that it is always rude to comment on another's physical attributes. It is past time to make old school manners new school.

[Batya33]

My mother's struggle meant that she almost couldn't get cataract surgery because she didn't weigh enough (safety concerns I guess with anasthesia?)

 

I agree about physical attributes and especially with children. So if I want to compliment a child I avoid anything physical or if they are wearing something adorable/unique I'll say something about the clothing item.

[IAmFCA]

bf called to let me know he is planning a long weekend away with his parents, except that he wanted to run it past me (?) and that they hadn't confirmed.

 

I am letting emotions run through me: I admit to having some selfish response that feels childish and childlike (the latter a trait I often enjoy but not in this context!). I haven't yet met his parents; I haven't been the subject of his long weekend planning efforts for a while; and I'd like to share with him the trip he is taking. He knows that... and he sounded a bit nervous (also, well masked) when running it past me.

 

At the same time, he is doing exactly what he ought to be doing: Making his roots and his circles his first priority, starting from himself and moving by ring ever outward. He has been showing other signs of what I call divorce recovery (privately) and forward momentum in any case: cleaning out a storage room, resuming in increments his commitment and leadership in his team sport. I slowed us down, months ago, in part to respect my role as head of household with my own family, and in part to respect the space I presumed he would need to feel ever more grounded.

 

He is doing what he ought to be doing.

 

I revel in being the center of his efforts, and so I miss the expression of "I wish I could have all of us there together" or some such. It is childish on my part, or at best, understandable but not actionable. A reflection of my own desires for security and attention/affirmation. Even that overstates it.

 

Letting it flow through, giving it voice, knowing I am okay to have emotions that aren't logical in real-world terms (and that is growth, right there!), and knowing it will unfold in a graceful manner, if I am judicious with my voice.

 

So I was all enthusiasm: that's a nice idea, a beautiful spot, etc. He didn't ask me any questions so I had only to be kind as one would in any social conversation. And now I can make a plan with my own taller-than-I-am rugrats. Maybe we will go somewhere warm.

 

---

 

My daughter FT'd with Slush's daughter for two hours last night. All of their classes are the same so they have a lot to study together. It is getting a little incestuous feeling, for me! God has a sharp sense of humor; no new news there. He and I haven't communicated since TDay weekend. I doubt any communication will follow. Through their connection months ago is how I heard more detail about his then- and ultimately short-term gf. I have to assume our kids exchange some information about us, even if it is bare bones. Haven't decided, but at the moment, thinking not to send a holiday card. As soon as I write that, it feels like the wrong decision. Christmas is bigger than us, and I always have sent one in the past.

 

---

 

"Boundaries. Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em." hahaha (not true of course. glad for mine.)

[Batya33]

I think it's perfectly normal for you to want him to say "I wish I could have all of us there together". No, it's not something you can say to him other than "it hurts my feelings that you've told me your plans to be with family and you haven't expressed any disappointment that I will not be there".

[IAmFCA]

I think it's perfectly normal for you to want him to say "I wish I could have all of us there together". No, it's not something you can say to him other than "it hurts my feelings that you've told me your plans to be with family and you haven't expressed any disappointment that I will not be there".

 

Good suggestion. I will wait it out until the moment presents itself and then will be ready with similar words if still relevant...

[IAmFCA]

Well, I brought it up. It led to a healthy discussion that was a precursor to a future discussion...

 

The events themselves / meaningless, as we know.

 

The trigger led to a discussion of his fear/caution/hesitancy, a feeling that grew over time. I said, clearly expectations and reality have a gap between them. I said, we may not be making the product we expected to make, but the process we use is extraordinary. He agreed.

 

In the beginning, I knew his expectations were going to be unfulfilled. It was like instant-couple; I did not want that nor would he have been happy over time. The change to a more individual habit has been a bumpy road. We have learned to navigate it and let go of the fear, mostly.

 

More fears and bumps to follow, assuredly. His conversation led him to talk about seeing his parents, whom I've not met, and to tell me he has some topics to discuss that cause him fear. We talked about how we each - we discovered - had made a decision to treat the other with love and respect, even if we weren't sure about the relationship. The irony that such a decision serves as support for the relationship, regardless of our intention.

 

So... we will have more talking to do. For my purposes, I prefer his love and fear to instant couple. I trust the former much more, infinitely more.

 

In any event. Maybe it works, maybe it doesn't. I think it already is. It remains a matter of readiness, time, and seeing it. He makes a similar point.

 

Interesting romantic experience, in that it arises from the people (us) and not from their (our) manufacture.

[Batya33]

You seem happy with the conversation. And certainly no matter what you should treat each other with caring and respect. To me personally the event that caused you to feel hurt -wasn't meaningless at all - by his actions he showed you really important information about where he is with you and his intentions. Actions are often far more meaningful than words including your very eloquent ones, don't you think? But of course you're entitled to find it meaningless - JMHO.

[Batya33]

Also what does treating each other with love and respect look like if you're not on the same page as far as level of commitment or involvement (meaning he doesn't want you to meet his parents yet, and this surprised you, and you were surprised/upset about how he went about planning this weekend) - certainly you can, technically, but if you're not on the same page then does that mean continuing to be open about individual boundaries and choices that affect the other person like future plans, current plans, how you spend your time, etc.? Will you feel loved and respected if he excludes you from aspects of his life you feel you should be included in as long as he does it nicely?

[IAmFCA]

All still good here. Made it through the holidays without a hitch. My concerns around meeting people in his world are forgotten; he and his parents now talk about me as if I am part of the group. The dynamic between us has settled down. The underlying issues that pop up remain, of course; life will include conflict. We have embraced conflict from a more secure place and therefore have been less volatile (if we ever were, but anyway, fewer vicissitudes) as a team.

 

Heard from FWB over the holidays, exchanged greetings by text then deleted my text thread. Did not bother to send Slush a Xmas card; always have before. Honestly, just did not feel like it. Our kids may have remarked upon it; it may have confused him; I am glad for the quiet.

 

With wishes for a happy 2019, everyone, starting from within.

 

:)

[IAmFCA]

Batya Didn't ignore your comments but also didn't post in reply... thank you for your thoughts as I know you want to make sure I check in with myself for honest assessments and translate emotional terms into concrete behaviors -- both good practices, for sure. I took the easy way out by not typing, also have been off of ENA while focused on holidays and travels and real life things.

 

I am comfortable because we communicate a lot. I am comfortable because we are on the same page with respect to whether we are just passing through, or whether we are giving it a go. I am comfortable because I see evidence of him finding more opportunities to express himself as an individual -- as may happen in the years after a divorce, and as I had hoped would occur, e.g.: Pursuing a prior interest with resumed gusto, pursuing a new hobby, and taking an interest in clearing out old possessions and furnishing his home more to his liking. And of course, I am comfortable because I am comfortable with myself.

 

Gone is the old struggle he was having, due to his habit of equating relationship with cohabitation. I leave him to his own discoveries, some of which are like "duh" to me but are new to him. When he is uncomfortable, I listen. It almost always is within him, though he sometimes thinks it originates with me. He gets sleep and a big glass of water, and suddenly he sees everything clearly again. It doesn't happen often, and I am glad I trust him to figure it out.

 

Gone is my own struggle of wanting him to initiate more. I still wish he would, but I don't struggle with it. I understand his choices and have faith in my own. Some of his choices show me that he is investing in family etc in a way that expresses his voice as an individual --it is important to him that he do that before introducing me into the group. He is right. Everyone knows who I am; he sends pics and little videos of places we go etc. I am not being excluded. Its early for him; his parents have invited him to include me, have assured him they are ready to meet me even as they remain in touch with his XW. He needs to move slowly so he can hear his inner voice, which was dismissed as a child. I am glad he is taking the time to do what he needs to do; else, he would be unable to offer me what I want.

 

Initially, he wanted to be so together that his voice would have been drowned out by "our" voice and we would have failed. Now that he has adjusted, it feels healthy and sustainable.

 

And no, I doubt he would describe any of this in these terms nor do I discuss it with him! If I say it all in my terms:

 

I was concerned about his proximity to his divorce experience, and his lack of roots as his post-divorce self.

I was concerned about my ability to deliver what he wanted.

I was concerned about his focus internally on us, and not externally on his interests, his community, his potential to expand.

 

I no longer have these concerns, and so my choice to be with him remains an easy one.

[IAmFCA]

Different topic

 

I might compete this weekend, with my name registered, my performance a matter of permanent record. The event will be part of my preparation; yet I must compete as if I were ready. Some of the tools I need to practice are unavailable to me in the time allotted; there is no practice; I am over it. I will (unless I don't) show up. Do what I need to do. And then be done with it. It is a simple thing.

 

Amazing to me, teams might assemble without any practice at all. How can that be effective? Anyway, not sweating that. I do what I do.

 

And it is a huge step! This is the first time I felt ready to show up. The readiness is related to my brain; my physical readiness has been more or less the same. I will report out.

[IAmFCA]

I went.

I competed.

I met people of interest to me as mentors and positive forces.

I fell.

Actually.

I competed anyhow.

I am crazy grateful for my day. A huge win for me.

[IAmFCA]

It is still good. :) Neither he nor I feels as joyful, internally, as we would like. For me, life feels a little heavy. For him, he is mourning fatherhood, questioning his ability to invest in my kids yet his resistance to make similar investments in nieces/nephews (whose parents and personalities are vastly different)... basically, I see two reckonings going on: "who am I, post-divorce?" and 'what is my legacy?" He has family to visit, as a way to address both of these questions, and he is getting it done, and I am glad for it.

 

I am grateful he is headlong into this melancholy of midlife thinking. It is an important marker of maturity, of life experience, and I am glad I will be able to have this shared experience and to know he has stared into this abyss.

 

For me, life is heavy, because I let it get ahead of me. Because I have not been proud of my work. It has helped me hear how much shame is still part of my self-talk. Instead, I can accept that certain dynamics have required my attention, and accept myself for doing what I can. Working hard to move ahead, and making headway.

[IAmFCA]

Finally we found 3 hours of time to be alone! Another couple of weeks maybe till the next overnight, and even a few hours at once will be a precious few.

[IAmFCA]

Note to self

Remember this man waits to have dinner and then gets hangry! lol at least we cool when that happens

 

omg funny

[Batya33]

Note to self

Remember this man waits to have dinner and then gets hangry! lol at least we cool when that happens

 

omg funny

 

I do that too sometimes because hangry creeps up on me and sometimes because I want to wait till dinner time but really shouldn't But I am aware it's happening (like I'm aware of PMS etc) and I do my very best not to subject others to it. One time when dinner got delayed even longer when my son spilled milk on the computer I was so hangry/jittery he was begging me to eat part of his dinner.

[IAmFCA]

I do that too sometimes because hangry creeps up on me and sometimes because I want to wait till dinner time but really shouldn't But I am aware it's happening (like I'm aware of PMS etc) and I do my very best not to subject others to it. One time when dinner got delayed even longer when my son spilled milk on the computer I was so hangry/jittery he was begging me to eat part of his dinner.

 

That is funny about your son!

[IAmFCA]

Bf away with his parents, on a trip he initiated so they could have time together. We said hi to each other through him. Its easy now, in truth I am glad I am not there and I am enjoying my time at home.

 

He is walking on his recovery path, whether he knows it or not. Seeing himself reflected back to himself as a singleton, as he reinvests in his relationships. His parents let him know months ago they were ready for him to be with someone new; its only the bf walking carefully forward.

 

It is nice to reflect on how easy it is. I am grounded, moving forward on my path.

 

Off to meet a friend to catch up.

 

Life is uncertain and I have much to improve.

 

Also, life is good.

[Batya33]

What is the relevance of his parents letting him know they are ready for him to be with someone new? Does he need their blessing? I'm glad you're not with him and his family if you're glad!

[IAmFCA]

What is the relevance of his parents letting him know they are ready for him to be with someone new? Does he need their blessing? I'm glad you're not with him and his family if you're glad!

 

They have maintained a relationship with his exwife, because they are her only family. Dunno. I would say he needs to affirm for himself and get affirmation that he is okay, that he has been single long enough.

 

He cheated before his marriage ended; others have accepted that and he has addressed it with two kinds of therapy. I think he wants people to see him healthy and unaccompanied. A statement that he doesn't need always to be with someone.

 

My guess, anyway.

[Batya33]

Oh it wasn't clear why you added what his parents thought about his romantic life - it sounds confusing and a bit counterproductive for them to be close with his ex but if he's ok with it that's all that matters. I don't think the word "unaccompanied" has ever or would ever come into my head because someone is not dating or single!

[IAmFCA]

Oh it wasn't clear why you added what his parents thought about his romantic life - it sounds confusing and a bit counterproductive for them to be close with his ex but if he's ok with it that's all that matters. I don't think the word "unaccompanied" has ever or would ever come into my head because someone is not dating or single!

 

Yup.

 

In my estimation, its all part of him cementinghis post divorce identity, although that's already been done. Or, perhaps, investing in top priority relationships before freely turning his attention to this one. Something in him is restoring balance of some kind. Of course I am all for it.

 

While away he has been sending me pics of us from various nights out. (and also of where he is now) I dunno why the old pics but certainly, I've not been forgotten!

[Batya33]

Yup.

 

In my estimation, its all part of him cementinghis post divorce identity, although that's already been done. Or, perhaps, investing in top priority relationships before freely turning his attention to this one. Something in him is restoring balance of some kind. Of course I am all for it.

 

While away he has been sending me pics of us from various nights out. (and also of where he is now) I dunno why the old pics but certainly, I've not been forgotten!

 

Sounds good and seems like a very different dynamic than when you first became serious about each other.