Batya33 Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 I have an injury. I am depressed. I feel like an old person. It is coming over me as if I am losing power. I have exacerbated my inward downward spiral by eating sugar. Also, an urgent home repair has kept me home while I get the two different fit-it people here. Just, depressed and treating myself poorly. Ah. The title of my journal. Faith. Commitment. Action. okay. going to do that. Hope you feel better! Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted February 1, 2019 Author Share Posted February 1, 2019 Hope you feel better! Thank you! Going to bed, reading South Beach and thinking about recipe planning. That might help me have a vision to get excited about. :) Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted February 1, 2019 Author Share Posted February 1, 2019 So the upshot of the conversations is that when I gave voice to my quiet concern... his part in the conversation confirmed it, despite himself. He is unavailable. Whenever he and I get going in a healthy and sustainable way, he feels a sadness well up within him and he withdraws into it. He tells me about it, its not like he withdraws from me, exactly. It IS as if he is preventing himself from having a new relationship, and that is a sure sign of hanging on to his past, for whatever reason. So long as he is focused on his past, how can I invest in his present and in his future? I can't. I told him I will not be in contact, which is sad, because we enjoy being together. He said he will respect my quiet and let me know if he becomes available. I am here now. More than a little hurt/offended/resentful that he can let his past distract him, its as if I am not compelling enough. I don't know, that's probably not helpful. Its not about me. Taking this day by day. Feel bad about letting him go; maybe there was a less disruptive approach (but I don't think so). Feel good about putting myself first. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted February 1, 2019 Author Share Posted February 1, 2019 In other news, trainer says don't worry about my injury. Do this; don't do that; keep going. Thank goodness. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 I'm glad you let him go if he's not available for a relationship with you. And glad your injury is nothing to be concerned about! Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted February 2, 2019 Author Share Posted February 2, 2019 I'm glad you let him go if he's not available for a relationship with you. And glad your injury is nothing to be concerned about! Yes, it had to be done. It's not the end of the conversation; he won't be able to move on without addressing this issue further, even if he chooses to be with someone else. He already intended to get at this issue and hadn't realized that he was stuck: I was the third person to tell him, and he couldn't hear it at first. Eventually, he got it. I have more than once thought "losing me will be thing that teaches him the lesson" but I had hoped otherwise. If I knew where to go from here as a couple, I would. If he figures out something, I will listen. All I can envision is NC and then a reconciliation some other time. (or not) That said, reconciliation is my preference (presuming availability). Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 Yes, it's not the end of his conversation with himself, right? From what you wrote things didn't seem to be flowing or progressing. I am sorry! Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted February 2, 2019 Author Share Posted February 2, 2019 Yes, it's not the end of his conversation with himself, right? From what you wrote things didn't seem to be flowing or progressing. I am sorry! Exactly right on both counts. Oh well. I am oddly not devastated at present, rather relieved after being depressed for TWTh. I suppose that feeling of being discouraged will come with time. Yippee? lol. In truth, I've been here before; I believe in my future. It will come to me and I will come to it. Link to comment
Jibralta Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 Taking this day by day. Feel bad about letting him go; maybe there was a less disruptive approach (but I don't think so). Feel good about putting myself first. What a bummer. But I am glad you're putting yourself first. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted February 2, 2019 Author Share Posted February 2, 2019 What a bummer. But I am glad you're putting yourself first. Thank you. It is nonsensical to me. Am trying to live in the moment. He feels he has episodes of depression. I feel everything. Angry, confused, cautious because my very intentional man is rudderless and self sabotaging. I feel compassion, and I feel self doubt. Like, am I supposed to just ride along? I asked What do you want and his answer was I am struggling to think. Maybe I am too proud. That lack of clarity is not good enough! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 Certainly you can offer him resources like the name of a good therapist, etc. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted February 3, 2019 Author Share Posted February 3, 2019 Certainly you can offer him resources like the name of a good therapist, etc. He just told me to take space from him. Lots of mixed messages, but when I said I was confused, that is what he said I will struggle with that, generally speaking. So, I have blocked his phone and texts, and emails will go to spam. I unfollowed, untagged the one relevant post on fb (group pic posted by a friend) and put him on restricted status. My daughter called yesterday to say she thought it had been a year and happy anniversary. I'll not be making any announcements of any sort. Except my bff knows. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 Sounds like he was very clear and direct when pressed. Sorry about the stress. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted February 3, 2019 Author Share Posted February 3, 2019 Sounds like he was very clear and direct when pressed. Sorry about the stress. I didn't get it because he also invited me to the gym and dinner. But he referenced a conversation from two weeks ago when I asked him if he needs space and he looked at me as if I had said something shameful and said absolutely not. And of course, yes, he does. He compared this time to taking the car to the mechanic to fix an axle so a wheel won't fall off. I decided to think of space as a gift and to appreciate all that I have and live in that world of abundance, and that made me feel better. But first, it triggered my fears of abandonment, and that was a little messy. Its better now. He thinks he can have space and have communication with me. I am concerned that contact will dull the need for or distract him from the intensity of self-discovery and redirection. I guess that is what I will tell him. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted February 3, 2019 Author Share Posted February 3, 2019 two pounds off and my hip felt fine after Friday's strength training Elliptical today. Next goal is to compete in 1 week. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted February 3, 2019 Author Share Posted February 3, 2019 oh and yes, that's what i told him. i got back a string of thank yous and appreciation for how hard i work to understand and to love yay me. 😑 but you know what? it had to happen and i too had hoped he would get there on his own. i am recalling where i was early this week: feeling we were topped out, that he was stuck, having to make that case, and succeeding after much effort. if i am going to make that stand, i guess I had better be willing to be with myself, to stand in the aftermath. and in truth i am grateful to be plowing through more tall grass. when i am in denial about a relationship issue, everything backs up behind it. Clear the emotional backlog and the sundry other items flow right through. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 "He thinks he can have space and have communication with me. I am concerned that contact will dull the need for or distract him from the intensity of self-discovery and redirection. I guess that is what I will tell him." I would let him do his own work and come to his own conclusions - all you need to tell him IMO is that it is best for YOU to have NC if he needs space. And perhaps as a fringe benefit it will be better for him but I wouldn't get involved in what is good for him at this point. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted February 3, 2019 Author Share Posted February 3, 2019 "He thinks he can have space and have communication with me. I am concerned that contact will dull the need for or distract him from the intensity of self-discovery and redirection. I guess that is what I will tell him." I would let him do his own work and come to his own conclusions - all you need to tell him IMO is that it is best for YOU to have NC if he needs space. And perhaps as a fringe benefit it will be better for him but I wouldn't get involved in what is good for him at this point. That is well said. I ended up somewhere in between; saying that I wanted to protect myself from imposing on his space. I do think NC is best for me but I don't like setting it out there as a rule. What's best for me may be more fluid; I don't know. I have started a habit of texting my back up (dormant) phone. It releases my impulses and if it sticks and is ever relevant, I can give him a thread of my texts. I think it would feel good to know I was talking to him the whole time. We share the fears associated with intimacy avoidance, and we each have a path of trying to grow past that holey foundation. Knowing silence didn't mean my inner voice was silent - that would build security and trust for later. In the How is this possible department: At noon yesterday Slush called my phone. We have not communicated in months. This is how I know God or similar has a deeply incisive sense of humor. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 Maybe you liked being with him because of his fears of intimacy -it seemed to me you weren't that into him consistently -it went up and down -so that this way you had an out if you needed one and knew he'd probably want an out eventually based on his fear? Funny about Slush texting you! Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted February 4, 2019 Author Share Posted February 4, 2019 Maybe you liked being with him because of his fears of intimacy -it seemed to me you weren't that into him consistently -it went up and down -so that this way you had an out if you needed one and knew he'd probably want an out eventually based on his fear? Funny about Slush texting you! Slush actually rang, like back in the olden days. I was in the shower so I missed it. Funny. Interesting idea about being moderately into him. Certainly, I have concerns to consider. The biggest thing we have is our ability to stay in the trenches until we feel mutually understood. That feels like a big deal. The other thing I have noticed is that how we feel seems to exist outside of whether we choose to develop a relationship. It just seems to exist at some baseline level, whether we build on it is more an act of intent. His last letter to me indicated a continued interest in a future together and a concern that he is ill equipped to sustain a relationship. That could be both sincere and the most avoidant break up ever! Certainly he wants to get past this within himself. We share issues around boundaries, intimacy, voicelessness. I feel open and available, but maybe I am still looking for an exit plan. I didn't think so. Maybe we were each other's rebounds after our involvement in dead end arrangements. I don't know. I liked it when it was all commitment and forward energy. Now, if I were to be harsh about it, I would point out the gap between his imagination and his contribution. He already denigrates his contribution, so I don't need to go there. Curious what happens next whenever he surfaces. If he learns to accept failure as part of the process he could be unstoppable and incredibly dynamic. And maybe have nothing to do with me anyhow. Will just have to see, and be true to myself in the meantime. Thankfully, I did so much work on myself previously. I am happy to focus on my path. I don't feel anxious about dating etc. I feel it will solve itself. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted February 5, 2019 Author Share Posted February 5, 2019 Never mind...... ? He has been writing me at the end of every day. His emails read like letters, and include warm affection for me, that my things and things from me are at his house as they always have been and that he is glad for it, that he misses me, that sort of thing. I have replied thoughtfully, warmly, and succinctly. As I say, I am developing a sense for what is right for me. I went on Match last night just to see if it stirred any interest, curiosity, prurient interest, anything at all. Nothing. Zip. Like looking at a survey of copier parts. I mean, that is no surprise; however, in other instances it would have at least been, I don't know, mildly interesting. The change reflects, in part, how I have grown to own and value my own path. I am glad for that. Today he emailed me during the day, it was more conversational, and it required a reply. My reply was easy and natural and he then replied to it. That is way too much connection. No. So, I have felt my limit; he likely has as well. I am going for a few days of quiet. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 ? He has been writing me at the end of every day. His emails read like letters, and include warm affection for me, that my things and things from me are at his house as they always have been and that he is glad for it, that he misses me, that sort of thing. I have replied thoughtfully, warmly, and succinctly. As I say, I am developing a sense for what is right for me. I went on Match last night just to see if it stirred any interest, curiosity, prurient interest, anything at all. Nothing. Zip. Like looking at a survey of copier parts. I mean, that is no surprise; however, in other instances it would have at least been, I don't know, mildly interesting. The change reflects, in part, how I have grown to own and value my own path. I am glad for that. Today he emailed me during the day, it was more conversational, and it required a reply. My reply was easy and natural and he then replied to it. That is way too much connection. No. So, I have felt my limit; he likely has as well. I am going for a few days of quiet. Oh it was irrelevant what I had written and deleted. He wants to keep in touch with you, it seems. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted February 5, 2019 Author Share Posted February 5, 2019 A reminder, we have known each other for 14+ years. I am just being real. Oh yes -- the trick is to live in the moment. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 A reminder, we have known each other for 14+ years. I am just being real. Yes, to me what's relevant here is the one year you dated/were romantically involved - the 14 year friendship/acquaintanceship of course factors in and to me would be basically irrelevant to whether you two are compatible for a romantic committed relationship. From the many posts you wrote about when you were dating him there certainly was a period of time when you were crazy about/really into him and saw potential for forever. Link to comment
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